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Topic : 07/17 Mommy Dearest

Number of Replies: 326
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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:44:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/03/06) Marri and Jessica both want to confront their mothers, who they say were neglectful and abusive during their childhoods. Marri has put up with her mother, Marilyn's, addiction to crack cocaine for 18 years, and she's ready to shut her mom out of her life for good if she doesn't admit she has a problem and seek help for it. Marilyn says her drug use is the solution, not the problem, and she can be a good mother and still smoke crack. Then, Jessica says she had to care for herself when she was a little girl. Her mother, Deana, was never around, and when she was, she was bringing strange men home for sex. In a ploy for attention, Deana committed her daughter to a mental institution -- three times! Tired of holding in her anger, Jessica demands her mother take responsibility for what she's done. Will these daughters get some emotional closure on their painful childhoods? Share your thoughts here.

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April 3, 2006, 7:39 am CDT

Dang, my mom's Mother Theresa!

I never thought I'd see two psycho women who would make my mom look like a saint.  And suddenly Dr. Phil brings them on the show.  These women are clueless psychopaths who don't admit fault, only gripe about their own sorry lives.  Well, stupid morons, don't bring children into your misery!  If I were Marri, I'd forget I had a mom.  That woman is a nutjob, hands down.  She'd rather have drugs than her own kids.  She's one sick, sick moo cow.  If I were Jessica, I'd give her mom exactly what she wants; a life with no one to love.  She has tried so hard to love that woman who deserves little more than her spit, and that woman still doesn't want it!  What a colossal jerk her mom is!  The mom should have been committed for life; she has some severe psychological problems.  I was a young mom, yet I couldn't imagine my life without my kids, and I CERTAINLY wouldn't even come close to considering unloading them on a mental institution.  What a whack job! 

  

My mom allowed me to be molested for five years because she didn't want me to cause problems with the member of the family who was doing it.  When I confronted her years later, she denied I had ever told her, but she still didn't want me to bring it up to anyone.  I might make someone mad.  I thought she must be the worst mother in the world; boy was I proven wrong today!  I'd take my looney bin mom over these two losers any day! 

 
April 3, 2006, 8:35 am CDT

I have not survived, I have overcome...

Quote From: vdixon79

I also have a mommy dearest.  I think my Mama had a nervous breakdown when she turned 30 or so.  My younger sister was born right before that.  My normal life stopped there.  I became Mama's mama after that in a lot of ways.  My dad is an alcoholic and workaholic as well so that made things much worse.  I always had to referee with them and Mama would have me search the house, vehicles, and yard for liquor bottles to dump them out from as early as 8 years old.  Sometimes we did not have food because my dad would be out of work for weeks at a time. Almost all the time there was rotten food all around and if I would try to clean, Mama would freak out and make me stop.  I never could have friends over because things were so horrible and nuts at my house.  I've always had problems connecting to people and fitting in but always thought it was part of my personality.  I always made really good grades in school though and I suppose I am quite intelligent.  I ended up doing pretty well for myself considering the circumstances because they taught me how not to live and how not to treat my kids.  I never realized how much they affected who I was until I went to talk to a therapist.   My marriage ended right after my second child was born (he was born mentally handicapped) so I finally had to talk to somebody.  It was there that I found a pamphlet on codependence that described me at that point to the letter.  I realized then that I could change and I have.  I have a couple of friends now and my exhusband and I reunited.  I still talk to my parents and I am rather close to my mom and sister.  My dad is still there, but still a workoholic/alcoholic so we do not speak to much.  I still deal with some bitterness though I realize they probably did the best they could.  The worst thing right now that I have a hard time dealing with is the realization that the rest of my family did not have anything to do with us because my mom would tell so many lies about them and she alienated us.  My mom is still a pathological liar.  I wish she would get counseling.  But I cannot make her I suppose.  I do wish though that I had a chance to be a child.  I do have kids of my own though and I make sure they have all the things and get to do all the things that I did not. 

My point is though, you do not have to let your childhood define who you are.  If there is a will to break the cycle, you can do it and have a good life.  You also have to let go of the bitterness or it will poison you.  Forgiveness is very important!

   Your comment about having problems connecting with people and fitting in makes me realize that I am not the only one. For the last 4 years I have been struggling to overcome my childhood/past. my mother was not an abuser she was abused by my father. Her pain was so great that she became a self-mutilator and was generally always hurting to much insIde and out to me a mommy. She died when I was 8 years old due to what I consider "cancer caused by deadly emotions". From this point forward my father lived with guilt and became a workaholic whom I watched try to kill himself when I was 9. These are the highlights of a childhood filled with sadness and non-acceptance and being the adult to make sure things got done to the point of spoon feeding my mother tomato soup because my father had beaten her up so badly. I struggled to understanad why me and it took a long to realize it had nothing to do with me, I was just a victim placed in the "war-zone" without choice. In my college humanities class we were given an assignment to write something special about what you learned from your parents growing up and mine was very short and simple. "I learned how to not live my life, I learned how to not raise my children and I learned how to be a strong pillar reliant only upon myself".  

   When I looked at Marri today I think she wants the present and the future  with her mother in a healthy state but I also think she is mourning the past. The past of not having a mother whose face lights up at the sight of you at the end of the day, mourning having a mother polish your piggies and kiss your "ouches". Who did she talk to about her first date, her first kiss and about the girl who said something rude to her in the bathroom at school. I think thats a huge part of Marri's tears right now. Marri, it will get better, focus on giving yourself what you need and above all keep your eyes on your children, I experience the  joy with mine and it is such a sweet feeling.  I wish you the best.  

 
April 3, 2006, 8:36 am CDT

Can I get an amen!

I have a infant daughter and a step daughter that is nine. There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING that would make me treat them this way.  The only man that they will ever see me with is there father and the only "drug" I have in the house is some codiene left over from my c-section.  I would lay down my life for my little girls. 

How dare these two creatures call themselves a mother. 

 
April 3, 2006, 9:04 am CDT

I'm completely disgusted at the two mothers on today's show.

I just saw this show, & I must say, I'm completely disgusted at Marilyn. Who does that woman think she is, treating her own kids like they were nothing? And the most disturbing thing is that she's using her own 8 year old granddaughter to get drugs?! Is she insane? She needs to be thrown into jail for that. She doesn't care about anyone but herself & the stuff that she's always smoking crack. Marri definitely needs to keep her daughter away from her & move on with her life, away from her. I believe that she can do better, & she deserves a whole lot better.  

  

As for guest #2, I don't think that Deana is really sorry for what she's done. She puts her daughter in the mental Institution 3 times? What for? And keeps bringing men into her home to have sex with? She really doesn't show Jessica any attention at all. She says that she wants to change, but I don't believe her. She says it & says that she loves Jessica, but she doesn't show it. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Jessica deserves better as well. 

  

I am absolutely disgusted at both Marilyn & Deana at the way they treated these kids. Both Marri & Jessica can move on without them. It's such a shame that they have to put up with them, & it sickens me. 

 
April 3, 2006, 9:08 am CDT

my own private mommie dearest

i was only able to watch a small potion of the show this morning, but the part i did get to watch, shook me so badly i almost threw up on my living room floor........watching jessica and her mother was almost like watching my mother on tv somehow. when i was very young she worked a lot, and ended up marrying a man she worked with when i was about 7 or 8. shortly after that, is when things became very dark for me. my mother and step-father were both abusive to me, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me, and my stepfather molested me a few times, something i kept secret until recently. i remember my mother having these rages where she would scream and sometimes hit me with her hands or whatever she could get them on.......even biting me a few times that i can remember. i would go to school with bruises all over, and i would tell people what happened, and sadly the system did not protect me the way it fortunately stepped in to protect my brothers and sister. my mother and stepfather were convicted in 2003 on several counts of various child sex charges. when the children were first taken from the home, my mother lied to me on svereal occasions as to why they were removed......and when i found out the truth i ended my relationship with her and it has been at least three years since i last had contact with her or my stepfather. however i about six moths ago i gave birth to my daughter, and since then almost every time i think of that woman and the way she makes me feel this terror creeps over me that i can't even begin to describe. sometimes i have nightmares and i even still have flashbacks to things that have happened in the past. i can't stand loud voices, and i jump or flinch at most anything. i desperately want to overcome this so i can be the mother to my daughter that my mother wasn't to me. because we bothe deserve better than that.
 
April 3, 2006, 10:50 am CDT

Are they sure mom's name was Deanna??

I was reading about mom putting Jessica into the hospital and bringing hom strange men and such...I thought they were talking about MY mother!  She hospitalized me 3 times and weven ewent so far as to let a homeless guy move in with us!  When I was not the center of all things wrong in her life she was railing about how my b1/2 brother's dad molested him.  I don't even believe he ever touched him.  The worst part is that now she's got HIM doing it!  ( He's 15 and acts like Norman Bates) They cact more like lovers than mother and son.  It's sick.
 
April 3, 2006, 10:54 am CDT

I know the feeling!

Quote From: mhomies5

How can a woman have a baby and not want it.  Well my mother did just that and told me throughout my childhood that if it wasn't for my father then I wouldn't be here.  How is a child suppose to take that.  When I was very young my mother tried to starve me.  I have a younger brother, who got all the good attention, and three cousins who I used to play with and out of everybody I was the smallest but the second oldest.  My grandparents knew what was going but didn't know how or what they could do.  But I remember going to their house and eating like no tomorrow.  When I got older it grew into jealousy because my father who tried to love me grew apart from me because of my mother.  I grew up with love for my father and hatred for my mother mostly because she took my father away.  And now I have no relationship with either of my parents.  You grow up trying to find purpose in this world.  I am in my fourth marriage and it is going well, for now until all the little demons start showing up telling myself that I'm no good and this person is going to leave me.  I have tried counseling to no avail.  I'm still trying to find purpose.  For now my purpose is my 4 sons. 

I know exactly what you're talking about. I still find myself not eating because of the way my mother treated me when I was living with her. Those emotional scars are horrible. I didn't have a dad that loved me either. I still have trouble eating sometimes because when I was about 14 or 15 she would make me wait until my stepdad, brothers (there were 5), and any other drunk male got what they wanted to eat and then if there was anything left I ate. But just for spite one of my brothers would sometimes steal the food off my plate and I knew it wasn't worth fighting for. I still have nightmares because of it. I'm learning to deal with all that pain. It's very hard, but I have a book that helps a lot because it guides me through the process of dealing with all that emotional baggage. I go through one chapter a day. And I pray........and pray.........and pray. That's the only way I know of for the scars to heal. 

 
April 3, 2006, 11:27 am CDT

Coping with the cruelties of something some call love.

I’ve read these posts time and time again, thought about responding but never have.  It was easier to keep my own life to myself. Scars tend to ache more if you rub at them…  I think what makes it so hard is that even though my mother was cruel, harsh and most often unloving is that few as they were, there were moments when she could be a what I needed her to be.  Never enough to ease all the times that she wasn’t but enough to make me tolerate her and hope for more.  It never came. 

She was rarely physically abusive but oh the things she would do or say to shred my heart and soul.  I often wish that she’d hit me, at least that would end.  But the words she used not only cut when she said them but did it continuously not only as they echoed in my head in her voice but as I learned to say them to myself.   

We lived with my grandmother, who was my salvation while she was alive.  She was where I learned what love should be but she died when I was 13.  I think my mom was jealous of my relationship with her mother because whenever they would get into an argument my mother would pile us three kids into the car to go for a ride while she cooled down.  She’d rant about all her life could have been if it weren’t for us kids.  Thankfully my brother and sister, being 4 and 5 years younger than me, don’t remember these rides or the details like I do.  They always ended with her driving by the children’s orphanage and telling us that we’d be living there if it wasn’t for Grandma…  Just one of so many ways that she made me feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy.  As I grew older the threats to be rid of me never ended, they just changed.  Funny too how they were always directed at me and not at my sister or brother.  I was threatened with juvenile homes, then just the streets as I grew older. 

Needless to say I had no self esteem.  I remember asking my friends why they were my friends because I could never see any value in myself and never could understand why they would want to be around me.  I look back on the person that I was then and I know just how far I have come.   

My mother spent most of the rest of her years emotionally tormenting me but through it something in me had changed.  I found value in myself.  I found my worth and I found my pity for the woman who lived such a miserable life that the only way she felt she had accomplished anything came by her devaluing those around her.  She was never going to be what I wanted or needed her to be.  She was human, flawed, and carried her own scars.  It would have been nice to have grown up in a loving whole family but I didn’t.  It’s a nice image but we’re none of us guaranteed the ideal life, we make of it what we will.  Only we have the power to make it good or bad.  I can look back now and know that as harsh as it may have been I learned some valuable lessons and skills by having to learn to cope with what had been my life. 

My mother passed away from her own neglect at the young age of 53.  She’d sworn she would never see the new century, not hard to self fulfill when you have so many health issues that you intentionally neglect managing like diabetes.  Every time she was in the hospital I was there to help where I could, including begging the health care professionals that she was committing slow suicide intentionally by doing everything she was told not to do.  I realized that the very destructive nature she’d turned on me had been turned in upon herself.  The professionals told me that they couldn’t force her to take help she hadn’t asked for herself.  That’s when I also realized that I couldn’t get from her what she couldn’t give herself.  When she died I have to admit that I felt a huge sense of relief.  I loved her and I miss her but the constant emotional rollercoaster she’d dragged me on my entire life had come to an end.  Of course the past would always been there but there would be no new pain piled on.  For the first time in my life I felt like a weight had been lifted from me because I’d somehow made myself responsible for more than I should have ever born.  I won’t say that my life is all that it should be, it has and will have a huge impact on my life everyday but I’ve learned how to survive when others would give up.  I’ve found that simple things make me happy and I work hard to see life in a positive light.  Dr. Phil is right, there’s no such thing as reality, only perception.  I choose to perceive it now much better than I’d had to live it to begin with.  It’s a work in progress.  *smile* 

The one observation that I’d most like to make is, we as humans can be cruel, history and current events prove that, but why is it that some go out of their way to be the ugliest to those whom they are supposed to love?  What twist occurs to bring about that condition? 

 
April 3, 2006, 12:15 pm CDT

God Bless Jessica

I sincerely hope you can be very strong and get away from your mother. I would be lost without my mother, so I can only imagine how hard it would be to walk away from her!  BUT...She is draining you, your spirit, your childhood and now your child's childhood.  Be strong and find a safe place where you and your child can live without such a horrible dramatic dangerous woman, in your life. You'll be much better off without her. She's nuts! Run girl, and ONLY stop to look back, when and if your mother ever pulls her head out of her ass. 

Which I highly doubt, from her own words. 

I feel so bad for you Jessica! My heart goes out to you. 

Best of Luck for  you and your daughter! 

 
April 3, 2006, 12:19 pm CDT

I also had a mother who was and believe still is addict

My mother hurt her back when I was 10 years old.  I was left home alone a lot since my parents divorced when i was 4.  I did things to try and get her attention but of course she wasn't home enough to find out.  I had to go to my aunt's house to eat.  My mammaw drove a truck and when she was in on weekends gave me money to hide from my mother so my cousins could take me to get something to eat through the week.  There was one day I had a wart had that wart remover on it.  It as on my ankle and my mother was high on the couch and thought it was one of her pills and tried to get it.  She did pills that caused her seizures.  NEVER did she admit she had a problem.  I decided at age 13 to go live with my dad who was just a tad bit better he didn't do drugs but had habit of getting his way with mental abuse.  I just wanted someone to care for me.  I also thought if i left my mother would get help and get better and I wouldn't have to stay with my dad. 

  

I got married when I was 18 I love my husband but I admit I did marry to get away from my family was one major reason for a early marriage.  I have medicine I am suppose to take for miagraines I won't take them.  I'm so afraid of turning into my mother.  I won't let her watch my kids because I don't know if she is better for sure I hear she isn't from family.  She tried to get me to go in and get her pills for her and Me a kid at drug dealers.  I don't want her to do that to my kids and so we don't speak half the time because she want's to watch them.   I've dealt with a druggie mother for the past 14 years so I know what a lot of you are going through It's not easy and I still have the fears.  You just have to take one day at a time along with one arguement at a time.   

 
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