Topic : 07/17 Mommy Dearest

The Mommy Dearest show sounds similar to a show Dr. Phil did 1/21/00 when he was still doing his weekly segments on Oprah.  I'm curious to know if Dr. Phil's intervention with one particular mother-daughter relationship has led to a resolution of the issues that brought them to Dr. Phil.   

Lucy was the mother who chose to stay with her husband, the stepfather who'd been molesting her daughter, Pam, and another daughter, over the course of eight years.  Lucy had written to Dr. Phil because she couldn't understand why Pam couldn't understand that she'd had no other choice but to stay with the stepfather (Lucy's explanation) and therefore forgive Lucy.    

Watching the show then, I was struck by how earnest Lucy was about wanting to understand why Pam had such a terrible time not being able to forgive her, but was completely clueless as to her own responsibility for Pam's struggle.  It seemed to me that Lucy was looking for absolution, not forgiveness.  (I firmly believe there is a huge disparity between forgiveness and absolution, especially on the part of the one responsible for the behaviors needing to be forgiven.)  I often wonder if Lucy ever finally "got it", and if that helped Pam get to the point where she was able to forgive Lucy and begin to get on with what she needs for her own healing journey.  You cannot forgive a moving target who's trying desperately to evade the responsibility for her own choices, no matter how much Pam might have needed to be able to forgive her for Pam's own well-being.  Even if Lucy was never up to the task of self-accountability, was Pam able to forgive her for her own sake and move on?  

What's the status of their relationship now, six years later?  Are there lessons they learned that could help other mothers and daughters look forward to being able to put their divisive pasts behind them and know that there's hope on the horizon for healthy relationships in the future?  Or perhaps lessons they learned that made accepting the reality that they may never see eye-to-eye possible, but still be able to move forward despite that?   

Marri, 

Please do not under ANY circumstances allow your children to be alone with your mother. I have worked in child welfare for 14 years, and have seen many, many children removed from their parents for this. There is a criminal charge called "failure to protect", where a non-offending parent can have the children removed and placed in foster care. Once this happens, you will not have your children for a minimum of a year. Also, please be aware that children have a 3x higher chance of being further abused once they enter the foster care system. 

Allowing someone you know to be a crack user to be alone with your children falls under this legal category. You seem like a smart, resourceful woman. Your mother is in deep, deep denial, and she is a danger to your kids. I don't know that Dr. Phil hammered this point home, but it is imperative that you protect your children by not allowing them to be alone with her (not even alone in the same room while you're in another room). You cannot and must not trust your mother to make choices that are in the children's best interest. Because of her addiction, she is incapable of doing so. If it were me, I would not allow them to have contact with her at all. Sadly, what they are already seeing of her anyway is the drug, not their grandmother. 

Best of luck to you...it really seems like you have used this to make you a stronger person. 

How can a woman have a baby and not want it.  Well my mother did just that and told me throughout my childhood that if it wasn't for my father then I wouldn't be here.  How is a child suppose to take that.  When I was very young my mother tried to starve me.  I have a younger brother, who got all the good attention, and three cousins who I used to play with and out of everybody I was the smallest but the second oldest.  My grandparents knew what was going but didn't know how or what they could do.  But I remember going to their house and eating like no tomorrow.  When I got older it grew into jealousy because my father who tried to love me grew apart from me because of my mother.  I grew up with love for my father and hatred for my mother mostly because she took my father away.  And now I have no relationship with either of my parents.  You grow up trying to find purpose in this world.  I am in my fourth marriage and it is going well, for now until all the little demons start showing up telling myself that I'm no good and this person is going to leave me.  I have tried counseling to no avail.  I'm still trying to find purpose.  For now my purpose is my 4 sons. 

I HATE CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You see this is what I do... I counsel those addicted to crack I wish Dr. Phil would get our ministry info to this family... you can see our websites in my profile.  Dr. Phil is right crack is a huge problem... I deal with daily and it saddens me so much it makes me want to attack even hard then I already do!  

Crack can be conquered! 

Camille 

The tears are rolling down my face as I listen to your stories. My mom also used drugs and to this day will not accept the pain she inflicted on her children. My heart is heavy everyday, and sometimes I think it will never get any better. I needed a mother so badly, but found that while I was mothering my own children, I had to mother myself. It was the only way I could give my children all the things I never had.  

The pain never goes away, but by accepting that your mothers most likely will never be able to give you what you need, you can become a stronger person. You can then begin to forgive the short-comings of your mothers and make your part of the world a little bit better for you and the people you love and who love you. 

Your not alone, 

Ramona, Bell, Florida