Topic : 07/17 Mommy Dearest

 when does parenting begin.  You can't make someone be there who doesn't want to be there or find other things more important than their son.  Be happy knowing that you are there for your nephew and in his own way, he knows this, feels it and loves it and you.  I have a 16 year old son who has ADHD and mental retardation.  Although this is not the same as bi-polar, we have shared much of the same things I believe.  There is no magic pill, many medication adjustments, living in reality with their issues, remembering to separate what is normal teenager and young adult behavior, etc. 

Let it go and be happy knowing that you are enough for your nephew.  Sometimes parents can't or don't want to be parents and maybe this is their way of handling by staying away.  I would be sure to not say anything negative to your nephew about his parents though -- these kids are much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes and he has probably already figured it out on his own.  When he is ready, he can face them and ask the questions.  You just keep being his home, his safe place to fall, his rock when he gets soft, etc. 

You are a great Aunt and more.

 She told me at a very young age that all her miseries were brought by me. It was my fault because I came to this world to fast for her. I was her confident....! at 5 how can you understand that your mom pain is because of you. She made me responsible for my sibling I had to care for them being the oldest . She never helped me when my grand-father abused me. She knew about it. The same when my father did it. She even told me that it was my fault. I was an obese child and she said that was okay because it protected me for men ?!! But from her cruelty. 

I can go on and on. One day I met a women who gave me my wings. She made  me see that I was not what my mom wanted me to be without knowing all my story she helped me be what I am today. I am happy and a mother who broke the circle of abuse, mentally, physically and s*****.   

I am a wife a citizen a person.   

Nicole  

  

  

   Why does everyone who has screwed up their kids resort to old cliche " Nobody's perfect. Kids  

   don't come with manuals." ???? 

   For God's sake,  if you've never changed a diaper, given a kid a bath, or been responsible for  

   feeding and putting a child to bed, then you don't have any business having one of your own!!!! 

  

    Don't teenagers babysit anymore?  Don't kids help take care of younger siblings anymore?  

    Doesn't anyone volunteer to watch the children of their friends, siblings and other relatives? 

  

    If you've never done any of these things ( I did all of them between the ages of 10 and 20, and  

    became a parent at the ripe old age of 21 knowing that I was fully prepared. ) then you must be  

    a VERY self-centered person, and are probably not mature enough to handle parenthood.  And  

    if you are still determined to become a parent despite knowing nothing of how to handle a child,  

    then I suggest that you sign up for a parenting class at your local church or community center or  

    community college or welfare agency.  Because no child deserves to be your social experiment. 

I had this wonderful chance to be on the Dr Phil Show when they were trying to find the guests to be on the show but I just so happend not to check my email on the sunday that they sent it to me so I missed my chance how ever I would still like to share my story with you. I am now 21 years old and I have a mother that I no longer talk to at this point for my self and the protection of my child and the children that I will have in the future. My mother has never really cared what has been going on with my life and it has been almost three and a half years since I stopped talking to her. she is a drug addict and an alcoholic and she will not take responsibility for her actions. she is now 41 years old and since I was little all I can remember is her being with alot of men. and her doing drugs in front of me I know that she needs help but I thing that she is beyond help at this piont I have been trying to get her to realize that I have her only grandchild and she may never get to see him unless she shaps up. however she tells me that it is way to hard. and she blames every thing on my Dad. Non of this is my falt or his but she doesnt seem to think so. some days I wish that I could have the relationship I used to have with her but when I look at reality I know it will never happen. she alowed me at the age of 10 to drink alcohol and even after I joined my church and she new it was not permitted to drink she would still offer me some. I told her no after I got baptised but I know that she was dispionted in me. Some time I think if she could only see me now and how happy I am with my husband that she may change but that is why I stay a way from her because I know that my feelings are the ones that are going to get her in return because she can only change if she wants to. and at the moment I thing that it will take her getting lung cancer for her to realise what she has missed out on all these years. for all of you that have gone through the similar experiences. keep your head up. and dont look into the past for answers look to the future and what you stand for it is the only way that you will get throught the hurt that you are feelling at this moment in time. I can say that I do forgivemy mother for the things that she has done. but I will not let me or my children suffer for her sake. My God bless you all. 

  

Thumaplina 

Wow...wrong...

I never did any of these things. I never changed a diaper, babysat,  fed a baby, bathed a baby or been responsible for a baby in my ENTIRE LIFE.

I'm FAR from self centered. I just never really had the opportunity to any of that stuff. There are no little kids in my family near me. None of my friends had younger siblings that I ever had anything to do with and I never had any interest in babysitting when I was a teen. I think I held 2 babies before I had my own...LOL

I am, if I do say so myself, a fabulous mother! My daughter is 2 now, healthy, happy and smart.

You are completely wrong. Completely. I learned along the way to change diapers and give baths. I called my mom and my MIL when I had questions but raising a baby isn't really all that hard. LOL

What IS important when deciding to have a kid is having an idea of how you will raise them. No one really cares about diaper changes and baths. That silly stuff is easily figured out. Sure I knew nothing about having a baby, but I had a nest prepared and I had a husband who I had discussed parenting with at length, for YEARS ahead of time.

So, please, don't call people selfcentered and immature simply because they have never handled a baby before. Like I said, I was 25 before I really handled a baby. I'm neither of those things.

The writer who felt basic/baby/care 101 was the most  essential  requirement before having a child was WRONG.  Since each baby is different, what you've learned with one child may not apply to the next.  Just following the rule of keeping baby clean, dry and comfy just about covers all bases.   

   

The important issue to focus on is to love the child, put the child first.  (no martyrs please!)  If a child feels loved,  feels secure, is encouraged to learn, taught patience and love, (by example is best) .....most likely that child will grow into a confident loving adult, who hopefully will make a good parent themselves.   

   

The biggest problem is.........so many young adults have not matured enough to take care of themselves.  When they become parents, I really feel sad for the child.  I'd like to see a mandatory maturity test given BEFORE anyone can become a parent.  That would save a lot of children from having rotten memories their entire lives.  

   

 My parents were totally dysfunctional.  It took years for my brother and I to undo the emotional harm they instilled. (He was in therapy for five years.)  Fortunately  I married a stable, loving, intelligent man who through the years helped me become confident, unafraid, develop self-respect. He taught me to see the good in people.    

   

(I don't mean to imply that my husband was or acted like a psychiatrist.  He just loved me, showed me patience, taught by example.  I had no idea how to handle anger other than fly into a rage, scream, yell.  How stupid is that.  By his example of calmness, seeking to understand, to talk it out,  I am able to handle disagreements in a calm manner.)  

   

My mother always boasted to everyone how she embroidered the diapers, and went without food so I would be dressed properly.  She would tell me how she kept me so clean and neat, what  a pretty baby I was..  That I heard all my life and,  and,  how much I owed her.  My mother told me at a young age that I was adopted.  No one wanted me, so she took me, gave me a home.......even though in truth, I was her biological child.  

   

So it's not diaper skills that make a good parent, it's love and patience, respect and listening.  If all parents had more of that, what a sweeter, kinder world it would be.  

   

   

You should be very proud of the fact that you were able to rise above what you mother taught you to think about yourself. It's always easier to blame someone else...therfore you don't have to look at yourself and what it is you're doing wrong. Adults don't always act like adults and age does not necessarily bring about wisdom. There are plenty of adults out there who should never have children. 

  

It is never a child's fault for the parent's problems and it is very difficult to convince adult survivors of abuse this very fact. It is not your fault nor was it ever your fault that your mother had the problems she did.  

  

It is very difficult to change the cycle of abuse and you should be proud of yourself for doing so. So often abused children either wind up marrying and abuser, or abuse either their spouse and/or children as a result. I've worked with many teenagers in regard to abuse and it's so important for them to see that it's not their fault and that they do not have to be a product of their environment...they can have control over their future if they choose to. It's about making them believe in themselves. 

  

I'm glad you've found happiness and may life provide you with all the wondeful things it has to offer in your future. 

I am amazed!  Are all those people reading the same thing I am?  It seems that no one addressed the scenario stated by Mommy Dearest.  Self justification woulld appear to be part of the problem here (from what I read)  Much time and work will have to pass and happen for these women to get out from under the bondage of their mothers damaging lifestyles.  (small m)  Can they forgive? Not likely.

Listen I had a mother who was just as bad and let me tell you if you give her the power to ruin your life you have no one to blame but yourself.  You need to let that part of your life go and move on to a new stage in your life.  Do not take the baggage with you.  My older sister and I both decided that we would grow up and raise our children to be will adjusted and not have crappy lives like we did and I will be the first to say that I have a beautiful 18 year old daughter and a wonderful relationship with her.  It drives my mother crazy.  I choose to put that part of my life behind me and move on.  I cried about it, spent time in theropy figuring out it was not my fault and do not allow her to interupt my life anymore.  She is not in my life or my daughters, but we are not the worse because of it.  We have family in our lives, but we do not have unproductive family in our lives.  So in my opinion these young ladies just need to decide that they are not to blame and move on.  Good luck to both of them. Tina

I just don't understand human nature!  I was a good mother, very devoted to my two children that I had to raise by myself and I don't understand these two girls at all.  I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and three months into my chemo treatments my daughter left my life taking my only granddaughter.  It has been 2 yrs 6 months and 3 days since I have seen them.  Here you have two mothers that did not love their daughters enough to take care of them and they are still wanting love from them.  I just don't understand, you love and take care maybe too much and they leave when you need them the most and then these two situations where you can see that the daughters are really crying out for love and an answer.  Well girls, I am a mother on the other end of your situation and I would like to find out why too.  The both of you are worthy, beautiful and loving.  I hope that the rest of your life will be happy, healthy and prosperious.