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Topic : 07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

Number of Replies: 260
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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:46:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/04/06) Have you ever called it quits and then decided you wanted your ex back? Amber's divorce from her husband of 10 years, Duane, is almost final, but she wonders if she's making the right choice. Is Duane willing to change and meet some of Amber's demands? Should Amber tear up the papers and let Duane move back in? Then, Scott and Erin have been married, divorced, reconciled, engaged and are now separated again. He wants her to come home and raise their children together, but she says she doesn't know how she could ever love him again. What's behind the conflict in this marriage, and can they resolve it and reignite their romance? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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July 9, 2006, 10:53 am CDT

I want my ex back

Today is not so good.  I have now been separated from my husband for 7 months.  The abuse got so bad I had to leave.  When I left I took very little with me.  I had hope that my husband would wake up and come for me and get the help we needed to  be happy.  Boy I was dead wrong.  The day after I left he turned off my phone, 5 days later he filed for divorce.Refuses to give me any money.  He took me off all bank accounts 4 years ago so I have no money, home or job.  I was a stay at home wife for 8 years and now I am 47 starting over.  The pain he has caused me hurts so bad some days I cant even get out of bed.  I live so far away from anything so getting help is hard.  I wish I knew where to begin.  I am just hanging on by a thin thread.   I am so devastated that this man I was married to can do this to me.   How can one person be so mean and hurtful to his own wife and just kick her to the curb.  He claims he misses me but not enough to take me back.  We have been to court once only to be continued until July 21,  06  He has e-mailed me with verbal abuse so that I would sign the divorce papers.  I wont sign nothing until I at least get my belongings I had before the marriage.   I an so hurt as to how I could spend almost 9 years with him and overnight he just walks away.  i pray for strength and hope I can find some help out here.  I live in maple valley Washington and it is so far from anything  and I don't know anyone out here.  Even after all he has done to me I just want him back.  How can one person be so heartless.  All I want to do was get help and go home.  Now that is a dream that will never happen.  I scared as to what is next.  My god I have not worked in 8 years and my enter voice just keeps repeating all the nasty things he has called and told me over and over.   I say yet another prayer for strength and help
 
July 10, 2006, 5:37 am CDT

GET OUT FAST

I WAS READING ABOUT THIS SHOW I WANT MY EX BACK. THIS MAN IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AT ALL. GIVE YOUR SELF TIME AND LOOK INTO YOUR HART WHEN YOU DO YOU WILL SEE HE IS NOT ALL THAT YOUR MIND AND HART ARE TELLING YOU HE IS. FROM A PERSON LOOKING IN ON THE OUT SIDE I SHAKE MY HEAD AND SAY WOW LOOK AT WHAT HE IS SAYING TO THIS WOMAN  

. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND DOSE NOT WANT TO EITHER. YOU WILL FIND SOME ONE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT A GOOD MAN ONE THAT WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT THEY ARE OUT THERE Read DOCTOR PHIL'S BOOKS THEY WILL HELP YOU ALOT.    

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

 
July 10, 2006, 12:39 pm CDT

At Wits END

Quote From: ravineklp

Your children deserve their mother as a whole person!!  With the constant conflict it tears a little bit of you away at a time. You need to have your own interests whether you stay or not ; but at the same time "we teach people how to treat us" as Dr. Phil would say.  There are so many single parents who can  and do raise children alone. These parents that are dedicated enough even provide a better living and loving situation alone than if they'd stayed. A life without all of the turmoil would be great for all of you.  You've been a caretaker for so long, I am a caretaker as well and at times its been difficult since I do little for myself. (I am trying to remedy this now.)  I am striving to show my children 13 and 18 that I think enough of myself and their mother, to take better care of myself.   

  

Karin 

  

Thanks Karin 

  

All that you say is true, but I am so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Although i promise myself i will not let him drain me of my energy, i do just that.  I cant for the life of me understand why he chooses to do the things he does.  As far a teaching people how to treat me, that is something i live by.  I never do unto others if i do not want it done to me.  I have managed to work, go to school ( one semester left to obtain my bachelors in human services, that is funny isnt it) cook, clean, wash clothes, spend time with him, and he just is so selfish.  Even though he provides financially, it seems as if its because he has to, not because he wants too.  I just want to get my degree, see what job offers i can get (possibly out of the state of NY).  I know this seems selfish on my part, but I have put up with his selfishness for years.  Despite the situation, i am always supportive of my children, and i will learn to be supportive of myself. 

  

  

 
July 11, 2006, 1:38 pm CDT

Abuse board

Quote From: ttlove

Today is not so good.  I have now been separated from my husband for 7 months.  The abuse got so bad I had to leave.  When I left I took very little with me.  I had hope that my husband would wake up and come for me and get the help we needed to  be happy.  Boy I was dead wrong.  The day after I left he turned off my phone, 5 days later he filed for divorce.Refuses to give me any money.  He took me off all bank accounts 4 years ago so I have no money, home or job.  I was a stay at home wife for 8 years and now I am 47 starting over.  The pain he has caused me hurts so bad some days I cant even get out of bed.  I live so far away from anything so getting help is hard.  I wish I knew where to begin.  I am just hanging on by a thin thread.   I am so devastated that this man I was married to can do this to me.   How can one person be so mean and hurtful to his own wife and just kick her to the curb.  He claims he misses me but not enough to take me back.  We have been to court once only to be continued until July 21,  06  He has e-mailed me with verbal abuse so that I would sign the divorce papers.  I wont sign nothing until I at least get my belongings I had before the marriage.   I an so hurt as to how I could spend almost 9 years with him and overnight he just walks away.  i pray for strength and hope I can find some help out here.  I live in maple valley Washington and it is so far from anything  and I don't know anyone out here.  Even after all he has done to me I just want him back.  How can one person be so heartless.  All I want to do was get help and go home.  Now that is a dream that will never happen.  I scared as to what is next.  My god I have not worked in 8 years and my enter voice just keeps repeating all the nasty things he has called and told me over and over.   I say yet another prayer for strength and help
You need to go to the abuse board here. There are a lot of people who have gone thru what you are. Lots of good advice there. Go to members, then message boards, then scroll down to relationships, then marriage, then click on abuse.
 
July 11, 2006, 7:19 pm CDT

07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: esaubrowne

 It is good that you are recognizing that you have made some bad decisions and caused severe damage to someone you deeply love.  Unfortunately,  it is the nature of the beast that those closest to us are the ones hurt most by our misdeeds.  You may or may not be given a second chance, but that is not up to you.   Second chances are not a  right we have because we have endured the pain of realizing what we have done.  Those issues that caused you to break up so  many times before need to be worked before you even try to mend  any previous relationships or start a new one.  (or you'll just have another hurt person to be grieving about)  Take a breather!!  In order to have a balanced  view of your situation, you have to accept the fact that you may have caused irrepairable damage, and continuing to relate in the way you have done in the past will only cause more damage.  Learn what you need to do differently first.    Believe me, whatever it takes to change the course of your life is worth it - or it will get much worse.
Thanks for the advice.  I  only hope the time  will heal.  I will continue on, but it does hurt the way he is treating me now.  I guess this is how he is dealing with the pain, avoiding me at all cost.  I do have faith and am in no hurry to do anything.  I believe eventually an opportunity will present itself and I will run into him and he'll have to face me.  I'll use this oppportunity to talk to him.

On Tuesday July 11th, Dr. Phil was talking to the couple about how history repeats itself.  But he also said something that means the opposite, something like you can create a new history and ...........I didn't catch the rest.  Can you provide me with the line he said?
 
July 13, 2006, 5:09 pm CDT

red flags

Quote From: content2b

Some people are very good at justifying their behaviors.  They are masters of manipulation.  A woman can see the red flags, but depending on her definition of  what "love should look like", she can see her partner's unstable behavior and anger tendancies toward outsiders and make the false assumption that if her partner really loves her, he will never act that way towards her.  Until one day, he realizes that she is the easiest target and the only one who will allow him to get away with those behaviors.  Usually, he is manipulative enough to cause her to believe that somehow she caused his reaction.  This will go on until she gets the courage to stand up for herself.
My soon to be ex husband was the sweetest, supportive, giving compassionate, understanding, loving during courtship I th-aught I was the luckiest woman on earth.  4 years later it was like a switch went off.  First the verbal abuse then the physical abuse,  then the total control over money he took me off all the bank accounts because I did not work.  He did not want me to work.  Now during a nasty divorce he is out to destroy me.  Even through I have no money, almost homeless and fighting my inner soul to save what is left of my mind I still cant believe he could change overnight.  So you never know what is going to happen.  He is so manipulative that he still tries to make me and the court system believe that it was all my fault for his behaviors.      He was and is still good at pulling the wool over on anyone and any situation.
 
July 21, 2006, 9:20 am CDT

07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: erinmartin

One more thing...he is my EX husband.  And you are right...I didn't get what I wanted.  Someone that treated me with respect and as an equal.  Not someone trying to control me.  So, yes, I will agree with you there.  Scott is a great dad, but I am equally a great mom.  It's not about Scott and I, anymore.  It's about our children.  I was simply trying to make him understand that.  Okay, guess that was more than one thing.

WOW!!  I never thought i would reply to this!!!  But Holy Cow Erin is making everyone think she is just the best mother in the world.  

    No matter how tired and stressed or how emotionally drained, if I wanted my kids I would have fought for them.  Her ex would not have gotten more time if as you say it is joint custody, if you would have pushed the issue with a judge.   

   

   Mother's as a rule get custody of the children if there is no outstanding things going on with said mother.   Do you have something that is keeping you from having the kids full time or is it just you were looking for a way out of a full-time responsibility?  With your ex having the kids more it  gives you more free time to do whatever you want to do.   

   

   I really do believe that there are two sides to every story and maybe I am not giving you the benefit of the doubt.  BUT.... I think what I saw was pretty accurate.  Scott got no chance to say anything and all that you had to say was that he was controlling. And that you were sorry that you had no chance to grow up and have fun.    

   

  I also think it is strange reading the post of the show how it says you were only 14 and he was 24 but you did not start a relationship until 10 years later...ummmm... find that hard to believe!!!!  I would imagine you stayed in contact in those 10 years.  It just goes to show that you were looking for that older man figure and when he didn't let you play you got mad.  

   

  Well that is enough.   Sorry Erin I really don't think you should have gone on TV with all of this.  Maybe the benefit is getting some feed back from people who can see what is going on....on and off the screen.  

 
March 21, 2007, 3:59 pm CDT

Sounds like...

Quote From: bitagijo

My husband Bill and I have only been married a year, but he has changed drastically in that year. When we first met he was the perfect gentleman and my best friend. We got pregnant almost immediately after we married and that's when the problems began. As I was watching the show today I was shocked at how much my husband and I were like the first couple. He has rediculous spending habits, I feel as if he lacks responsibility, self control, and empathy for me. We argue nearly every day about money, his mood swings, just about everything. Bill is in the ARMY and just the other night I was in a car accident with our 3 month old infant because the military police dropped him off on post for wandering down the middle of the street. I wish that there was more help out there for soldiers. We have gone to indivdual group therapy sessions, marriage retreats, as well being psychiatrically evaluated. Nothing helps. Bill is entirely too self centered. All he says is," I'm too selfish for this. I've made a mistake" or ,"Tabby you just need to deal with me. I am like the lottery...sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I guess you just don't like to gamble." I was also laughing when I heard the guy's motto on the show today. My husband also lives by that very same motto. I just want my knight in shining armor back. I want the man I fell in love with back. Sometimes I do want to leave, but marriage is something I take very seriously and I wish my husband could meet me half way.

We all have narcissistic traits. However. those who are the extreme have narcissistic personality  disorder (NPD). The best information online, IMO, is http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html. Then begin looking for message boards. You will be surprised at how many stories that will ring true to you. Most importantly, and perhaps most disturbing is that NPD is NOT treatable with meds or therapy. Thus, you must decide if you want to continue in a relationship that will not change.

 

My best,

PM

 
June 12, 2007, 1:51 pm CDT

Follow up Erin & Scott

WOW!  Less than 4 months after this show, Erin got together with a married man at a local bar.  Eventually she forwarded one of his emails to his wife so he would get busted and move out.  Even though he is still married, she is making plans for how their wedding will be.  Perhaps it wasn't all Scott, after all.  Party on, Erin.
 
June 13, 2007, 10:29 am CDT

A year later...

Quote From: jjenny

  

This did seem like man bashing if you ask me. Why did we only hear her complaints and not his? I can't believe that the issue of the  "mother who would fight to the death for her kids" willingly GAVE UP  custody of her kids, and admits to paying no child support, was never addressed. Yet now she should be able to come and go in their daily live's according to her own personal agenda ie, hanging out with her friends. The issue of the Mother out partying all the time was quickly swept under the rug and not confronted either.The Father got zero credit for taking custody of his kids. Now if everybody, including Dr. Phil, wants to be honest here....................... 

  

                                    *if the custody arrangement had been reversed and the Mother had custody and the FAther was out partying not paying child support....... 

  

 Dr. Phil would have been all over that man for not paying child support and drilling in how hard it is to be a single parent, bla bal bal balh ( we have all heard his rant on it a zillion times) Dr. Phil would also be advocating a clear cut schedule for visitation so there would no back and forth with the kids. He would be telling the Father how unfair it would be to the kids if he was just showing up when he felt like it and the Mother said no. But in this case he actually chastizes the Father for not allowing the Mother to come and go as she pleases. I mean, think about it, didn't we just see the revesre on the "divorce" show just last week.  

 


A year later, we find Erin still sitting nightly on a barstool and having an affair with a married man that has destroyed his life (yes, he had a part in it), his wife's life and his children's.  Erin, you are the ultimate party girl.  Why not admit that and move on.  You complain about paying child support BUT you do not want to have the kids with you full-time as their dad does.  JOINT CUSTODY in this case means you have some say in decisions about their medical treatment, education, etc.  It DOES NOT mean they live with you.  You even bring your married lover on your visits with your children.  And you say that's being a "good mother?" 
 
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