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Topic : 07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

Number of Replies: 260
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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:46:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/04/06) Have you ever called it quits and then decided you wanted your ex back? Amber's divorce from her husband of 10 years, Duane, is almost final, but she wonders if she's making the right choice. Is Duane willing to change and meet some of Amber's demands? Should Amber tear up the papers and let Duane move back in? Then, Scott and Erin have been married, divorced, reconciled, engaged and are now separated again. He wants her to come home and raise their children together, but she says she doesn't know how she could ever love him again. What's behind the conflict in this marriage, and can they resolve it and reignite their romance? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 4, 2006, 11:18 am CDT

I want him

I left my husband 8 years ago for another man.  I always loved my husband.  We never got a divorce and we have had contact daily by phone or in person because of the kids and grand baby.  I left because our sex life was not happening and he would not improve it.  I also had a step daughter I thought was driving me crazy at times.  But I was so wrong.  I love him and now I can't seem to get him back.  I moved back in and he has changed but he is still my romeo.  He has a friend as he calls her who he calls 4 and 5 times a day to talk to.  He states they are only friends but I know they dated for a while.  Then I found out he had Viagra and that hurt because he wouldn't do it for me.  I am to blame for leaving in the first place but I love my husband and want our marriage.  I have made even more mistakes because I have been checking on him and have been very jealous.  What can I do please someone give me the answer.
 
April 4, 2006, 11:44 am CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: popcorn03

I happen to know Amber and she is one of the most generous, loving, gentle spirits I've ever met.  She has managed to raise 3 amazingly beautiful, well behaved and respectful children in spite of the problems in this marriage.  Well, it shouldn't be that way.  Imagine how wonderful things would be if there was no "in spite of." 

  

We've all been there.  We've all made mistakes.  We've dated/married/loved the wrong guy at some time in our lives, denying the obvious that's staring us right in the face.  I don't think anyone can say they haven't.   

  

As for the person who says the story was one sided, I'll bet anything you're someone he knows trying to make him look better.  He didn't say much because there's not much defense to buying $13,000 motorcycles when your family needs money to pay the bills or "hooking" up with your ex girlfriend when you're trying to talk your wife into getting back together.  Don't you think Dr. Phil would love to give him credit if it were due?  It's obvious to me that Dr. Phil prefers to present the truth and if one person comes off looking bad, it's because that's the way it really is. 

Well said!!  Dr. Phil gave Duane the opportunity to speak up and defend himself and he couldn't!  He couldn't because there is no defending himself.  Dr. Phil always is fair and he was fair in their discussion.  It is obvious to me that Dr. Phil knows what Amber needs to do and I know Amber knows what she needs to do and I know she will do it! 

 
April 4, 2006, 11:48 am CDT

Confused

Ok, so I dated a guy for 18 months & we were engaged to be married. One night after a verbal confrontation, and he saying some hurtful things, I broke off the engagement. Three weeks later he broke off the relationship. Two days later he asked if we could try again. He consistently tried for three months. Immediatley after the break up - I started hanging out with another guy, but soon realized I was not over my ex & broke that off. However, I will still not ready to move back into something he could so easily throw away. Well, when I did  tell him I wanted to try he states it just wont work...what is that? Does that sound cruel to anyone else...any advice?
 
April 4, 2006, 12:01 pm CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: stoppela42

I left my husband 8 years ago for another man.  I always loved my husband.  We never got a divorce and we have had contact daily by phone or in person because of the kids and grand baby.  I left because our sex life was not happening and he would not improve it.  I also had a step daughter I thought was driving me crazy at times.  But I was so wrong.  I love him and now I can't seem to get him back.  I moved back in and he has changed but he is still my romeo.  He has a friend as he calls her who he calls 4 and 5 times a day to talk to.  He states they are only friends but I know they dated for a while.  Then I found out he had Viagra and that hurt because he wouldn't do it for me.  I am to blame for leaving in the first place but I love my husband and want our marriage.  I have made even more mistakes because I have been checking on him and have been very jealous.  What can I do please someone give me the answer.
 Examine your reasoning for coming back. Ask for his honest opinion and give him the respect to hear what he has to say. It may hurt your feelings but you owe it to yourself and your husband to hear the honest truth. Don't get defensive if he says what you fear the most. The only way you will set things right is to hear the truth. If it can be worked out great but if it is beyond working out then move on with your life and allow him to do the same. The way you are progressing now will surely insure the death nell to your marriage.
 
April 4, 2006, 12:21 pm CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Uggh! How in the world did Scott ever convince anyone that he should have custody of the children?!  He doesn't care about them except as tools to use against his ex.  He must be a heartless father.  I can't imagine ever screwing around with my children's lives like that.  It's bad enough that the marriage failed but for goodness sake, please consider the best interest of the children before refusing to let them participate in their extended family gatherings!
 
April 4, 2006, 12:47 pm CDT

I felt that Dr. Phil totally dropped the ball on this one

 Ok, Duane does need to grow up a little.  What really concerned me was the fact that Dr. Phil didn't take Amber to task at all!  Her behaviour is extremely controlling and vicious!  Amber is what I was a little over a year ago, a bitching, controlling wife finding fault with everything her husband does in order for her to feel like a big shot.  I nearly destroyed my own marriage with this very destructive attitude and behaviour.  I felt as though everything I did was right and that my husband was too immature to make the "right" (ie. MY) choices.   Eventually, it all came to a head and he outright confronted me about and told me "look, I love you with all my heart, but you can't keep controlling me like this.  I'm not a child, I'm a grown man.  I don't need another mother.  I can't be with you as a partner if you keep treating me with this disrespect."  I got very angry but that's because I knew he was right.  I didn't trust him to make the choices I would make.  I knew I had to get this attitude in check in order to keep him.  He never did anything to make me distrust him and I felt sick to my stomach knowing I was treating him like this.  It took time, but I learned to let him go and not try to control him.  He stood by me through it all and helped me become the person I am today.  Now, I am no longer suspicious, angry all the time, or suffering from stomach upset due to stress.  I have seen firsthand that he makes good choices on his own.  I made the mistake of treating him like a child rather than a partner.  Our marriage is fantastic now and I can say that I no longer feel the "need" to control him.  It's wonderful.

Amber needs to stop acting like this if she expects to be in a relationship with ANYONE.  Duane is not the only one who will get tired of putting up with her controlling behaviour.  She will inevitably repeat this same mistake over and over, blaming each of her mates for HER problem.
You don't marry a man with the anticipation of  "fixing" him.  You accept him, flaws and all.  If you can't, don't marry him.  He may decide to change, and if he does, support him.  If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it.  Take a good look at yourself on that tape Amber.  It's not a pretty display.
 
April 4, 2006, 12:53 pm CDT

I felt that Dr. Phil totally dropped the ball on this one

 Ok, Duane does need to grow up a little.  What really concerned me was the fact that Dr. Phil didn't take Amber to task at all!  Her behaviour is extremely controlling and vicious!  Amber is what I was a little over a year ago, a bitching, controlling wife finding fault with everything her husband does in order for her to feel like a big shot.  I nearly destroyed my own marriage with this very destructive attitude and behaviour.  I felt as though everything I did was right and that my husband was too immature to make the "right" (ie. MY) choices.   Eventually, it all came to a head and he outright confronted me about and told me "look, I love you with all my heart, but you can't keep controlling me like this.  I'm not a child, I'm a grown man.  I don't need another mother.  I can't be with you as a partner if you keep treating me with this disrespect."  I got very angry but that's because I knew he was right.  I didn't trust him to make the choices I would make.  I knew I had to get this attitude in check in order to keep him.  He never did anything to make me distrust him and I felt sick to my stomach knowing I was treating him like this.  It took time, but I learned to let him go and not try to control him.  He stood by me through it all and helped me become the person I am today.  Now, I am no longer suspicious, angry all the time, or suffering from stomach upset due to stress.  I have seen firsthand that he makes good choices on his own.  I made the mistake of treating him like a child rather than a partner.  Our marriage is fantastic now and I can say that I no longer feel the "need" to control him.  It's wonderful.

Amber needs to stop acting like this if she expects to be in a relationship with ANYONE.  Duane is not the only one who will get tired of putting up with her controlling behaviour.  She will inevitably repeat this same mistake over and over, blaming each of her mates for HER problem.
You don't marry a man with the anticipation of  "fixing" him.  You accept him, flaws and all.  If you can't, don't marry him.  He may decide to change, and if he does, support him.  If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it.  Take a good look at yourself on that tape Amber.  It's not a pretty display.
 
April 4, 2006, 1:20 pm CDT

he is playing with you

Quote From: babyk1984

Ok, so I dated a guy for 18 months & we were engaged to be married. One night after a verbal confrontation, and he saying some hurtful things, I broke off the engagement. Three weeks later he broke off the relationship. Two days later he asked if we could try again. He consistently tried for three months. Immediatley after the break up - I started hanging out with another guy, but soon realized I was not over my ex & broke that off. However, I will still not ready to move back into something he could so easily throw away. Well, when I did  tell him I wanted to try he states it just wont work...what is that? Does that sound cruel to anyone else...any advice?

he is just playing with you and your feelings. all he wanted to do is be the one that would said no.  b/c you broke it off first that was a bit of a blow to his tender ego- i know b/c i was in the same kind of thing. but he said no- first i felt very upset that he would just walk away. (i did not play with his feelings)-but i quikly figured out that once those words are out, you cant bring them back in.  my advice-let him go-  he did throw it away and its your job to keep it away. ther are so many other men out there that will love you good times and bad., and they  wont play you like a puppet on a string. 

   

 
April 4, 2006, 1:39 pm CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: werewolf

 Ok, Duane does need to grow up a little.  What really concerned me was the fact that Dr. Phil didn't take Amber to task at all!  Her behaviour is extremely controlling and vicious!  Amber is what I was a little over a year ago, a bitching, controlling wife finding fault with everything her husband does in order for her to feel like a big shot.  I nearly destroyed my own marriage with this very destructive attitude and behaviour.  I felt as though everything I did was right and that my husband was too immature to make the "right" (ie. MY) choices.   Eventually, it all came to a head and he outright confronted me about and told me "look, I love you with all my heart, but you can't keep controlling me like this.  I'm not a child, I'm a grown man.  I don't need another mother.  I can't be with you as a partner if you keep treating me with this disrespect."  I got very angry but that's because I knew he was right.  I didn't trust him to make the choices I would make.  I knew I had to get this attitude in check in order to keep him.  He never did anything to make me distrust him and I felt sick to my stomach knowing I was treating him like this.  It took time, but I learned to let him go and not try to control him.  He stood by me through it all and helped me become the person I am today.  Now, I am no longer suspicious, angry all the time, or suffering from stomach upset due to stress.  I have seen firsthand that he makes good choices on his own.  I made the mistake of treating him like a child rather than a partner.  Our marriage is fantastic now and I can say that I no longer feel the "need" to control him.  It's wonderful.

Amber needs to stop acting like this if she expects to be in a relationship with ANYONE.  Duane is not the only one who will get tired of putting up with her controlling behaviour.  She will inevitably repeat this same mistake over and over, blaming each of her mates for HER problem.
You don't marry a man with the anticipation of  "fixing" him.  You accept him, flaws and all.  If you can't, don't marry him.  He may decide to change, and if he does, support him.  If he doesn't, there's nothing you can do about it.  Take a good look at yourself on that tape Amber.  It's not a pretty display.
I understand what you are saying and to a point I agree. I believe she said she had red flags before marrying him and ignored them. That was her first mistake. Her second was marrying a man who does not know how to handle money. Living with this one will put her in debt up to her ears. He is not going to change that behavior as Dr. Phil always says past behavior especially that which has happened within the year is the best indicator of future behavior. The third mistake is thinking that he would only save the porn for the two of them when it was glaringly obvious that he was not. Her fourth mistake was allowing him to treat her like a sex object when she was opposed to that behavior and not speaking up before she did.
 
April 4, 2006, 1:41 pm CDT

Dr Phil--don't you recognize ADD??

All the things described about Duane are classic ADD/ADHD symptoms.  If he doesn't get any help or treatment (and maybe even if he does!) this couple is DOOMED. I have been dealing with some of the same things with my husband, and we separated and are back together now--the ONLY way it is working is with him working on his behaviors every day, and my understanding of ADD--what it is and what it isn't. It is NOT an excuse, but is is a reason for a lot of this impulsive, childish behavior. AMber is letting her love and affection for him overrule her brain--she knows he's not going to change at this point and they will both end up miserable if she takes him back this way. 

WHY DIDN'T DR. PHIL ADDRESS THE ADD? 

 
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