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Topic : 07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:46:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/04/06) Have you ever called it quits and then decided you wanted your ex back? Amber's divorce from her husband of 10 years, Duane, is almost final, but she wonders if she's making the right choice. Is Duane willing to change and meet some of Amber's demands? Should Amber tear up the papers and let Duane move back in? Then, Scott and Erin have been married, divorced, reconciled, engaged and are now separated again. He wants her to come home and raise their children together, but she says she doesn't know how she could ever love him again. What's behind the conflict in this marriage, and can they resolve it and reignite their romance? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 4, 2006, 2:23 pm CDT

hopeful changes

Amber & Duane both stated in their own terms "my way or the highway". At another point Duane mentioned that he would meet her halfway. Amber never mentioned negotiation. They both need to negotiate for mutually agreeable ground rules for the marriage to succeed. 

 
April 4, 2006, 2:32 pm CDT

I want my ex back

I am a new divorcee; 1 month, and my ex and I were separated  for 18 months before he decided to tell me he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce.  Here is my story and any advice given is appreciated: 

  

My ex and I met in 1990 and dated for 5 years; married in 1995 and had a daughter in 1997.  Shortly after the birth of our daughter, my ex began to gamble and lie to me about what he was doing.  This addiction continued for years and I always found out much later after he did it (online and casino).  The first 3 times, I told him if he ever did it again, I would leave him but I never did.  January 2004, he gambled us into a lot of debt so I left him in September 04.  We went to counseling for 2 months and nothing was his fault.  He led his family and our friends to believe I was having an affair with my best friend for years only to take the blame off of him and make me look bad.  6 months later and still separated, he lost his job while I was still trying to pay our debts down; I was living with a friend in an apartment.  I found out he was gambling again (a significant amount of money) and pulled my resources together and went to his parents.  He finally admitted to having a gambling problem and stated to his father that he put other things before me and our marriage.  He said he wanted to continue to try to work things out with me and that he would not gamble anymore and get different help for this addiction.  I also found out he had been utilizing the online dating services and found his profile stating that he was divorced and had full custody of our child, looking to remarry and have children.  When I asked him about it, he said friends set up this profile as a joke....eventually after 3 hours of discussion, he finally admitted to setting up the profile himself.  He told me he loved me and wanted to work things out so I forgave him....again and thought he would give it a try.  From April 2005 until a month ago, he continued to utilize the online dating profiles from different websites without my knowledge...he went on a date in November 05 and hid it from me.  During this entire time, he and I were living in separate homes but doing everything married couples do.  He kept telling me he loved me but needed a little more time to figure out what he wanted.  He started seeing someone in January of this year and told me two days before Valentines he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce.  I love him and know I should move on but my heart is having a hard time letting go.   

  

Now, I am not so innocent....the last few years of our marriage, he did not want to be so intimate with me and I began to make fun of him sexually in front of 2 couple friends.  I did it to make them laugh but did not realize how much it was hurting him.  I never meant to make them laugh at him; just wanted them to laugh.  I know now how much this hurt him and I have apologized over and over.  I know what I did was wrong and very insensitive to his feelings. 

  

He has been seeing a counselor who just recently told him that he was probably unhappy in his marriage for a long time, that led him into gambling, that caused the separation and divorce.  Basically, telling me it was all my fault because I didn't make him happy.   

  

What do I do to win my ex husband back or should I?   

 
April 4, 2006, 2:50 pm CDT

scott

i thought Scott looks like Tim McGraw. 
 
April 4, 2006, 2:50 pm CDT

I want my ex back too!

My husband left me  3 years ago for a woman 22 years my junior who dumped him about 6 months later. We have been married for 18 years and together for 25 years.   Needless to say I was very devasted and to a degree I still am.  Neither one of us has filed for divorce.  I do not want a divorce.  He says he has a hard time thinking about going through it because he's waiting for me to accept it more and doesn't want to see me hurt anymore but it only makes me think there is hope for us to be together again. 

 Some days he seems to want to try and get back together and other days he is sure he wants a divorce. He keeps asking me out for dinner and we are on line talking everyday mostly talking about out business and it's opportunities. 

He says he loves me and wants a relationship with me but does not want to be married. Is that even possible?  Be friends?  When I still love him? Does he want his "cake and eat it too"? 

I have two adult children which have been apart of his life since they were 9 and 11 years old.  My son wrote him out of his life the day he walked out on me and will not have anything to do with him.  My daughter, who has 2 children is torn but for the most part is keeping her distance from him.  

 In the past I have gotten angry at my daughter for letting him see the grandchildren and having him over for dinner so of course my ex blames me because my daughter is ignoring him now.  Although she has her own issues with what he has done I have believed he was not worthy to see them and told him I am a package deal.  He is not their blood father so I have felt justifed. 

The bottom line is that after watching todays show about the guy who is using his children to get his wife back it made me think that if I showed forginess by inviting him over for dinner (or to a park or where ever) to see the kids and let my daughter know that I will not be angry if she has him over her house will I be letting him have his "cake and eat it too"? Or will I be showing him the woman he fell in love with. There is no doubt that I  wanted to punish him for the affair and all the awfull things he said to me but maybe I should let it go so I could move forward.  I could be setting myself up for dissappointment but that's life.  Right? 

He is a good man who has done a bad thing.  I can forgive him but will he do it again? 

  I am not very good at getting my point across on paper so I hope this does not all sound trite.  So much has happened in the last 3 years it is impossible for me to relate it all in a short letter. 

 
April 4, 2006, 2:53 pm CDT

Scott's "all or nothing" motto

I don't get it, if Scott thinks that his rules are blackmail, then what does he call it??!! Its not love, its control and domination. I can't imagine what those kids are going to end up like in the long run- hopefully Erin (that was the wife's name, right?) will get a lawyer to work pro-bono for her so she can get out from under Scott's control. He was such a jerk, I was so glad when Dr. Phil saw right through him on the show today.. Scott sure didn't like it though. He sat there and complained that he was being ganged up on. Erin and Amber- gather your strength and run!!
 
April 4, 2006, 2:54 pm CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: lfrog1386

Even with a psychiatric eval, I wonder if they missed the very thing that I knew about my husband but could never get him to address, until I left him. He has Attention Deficit Disorder. ADD has many symptoms and they present themselves differently in different people, but I can say this with certainty: ADD sufferers usually: 

(1)are easily distracted 

(2)have a low tolerence for boredom or frustration 

(3)are extremely impulsive  and 

(4) have a desire for situations of high intensity 

Now, where your husband fits the pattern, I can't say, or even say if he does have ADD. But you mentioned that he lacks responsibility and self control-two major symptoms of ADD. His impulsivity makes him do things without considering the consequences of his actions first. You say you feel he has no empathy for you-is it because he forgets things that are important to you?Spends money without considering you and your family first? Another ADD symptom. My husband spends and spends and doesn't know how to control it. He picked up other women and had sexual encounters with them.He can't stand to sit still for very long and always has to be "on the go". He can't ever sit down to discuss the finances or any other thing that is "necessary" for mature adults to do because it bores him to death. He simply could not do it and would not do it. I did it all; ran the finances at home and our business, took care of all household chores and took away his debit and credit cards-all but one that I could control, to curtail his impulsive purchases. Ladies, here's a clue: women aren't the only ones to become shopaholics. We think it's females that only do that, not men, but we are wrong. The difference between men and women shoppers is that women buy lots and lots of little things, while men go out and buy one major, expensive purchase. The similarity between men and women is that it all boils down to low self esteem-admit it; we go out and shop when we feel bad about ourselves or our lives because the purchase gives us a rush, doesn't it? It does the same for your man.It makes him feel better about himself and he believes that these purchases will make him look like a big shot to his friends because he is secretly seeking approval and affirmation that he is a good man. 

I'll be willing to bet that your husband didn't do well in school but mostly does well in the Army. The reason why is that while school is structured to a degree, it also requires the students to (1)sit still for long periods of time-something ADD sufferers find impossible to do, (2)focus on the teacher for hours on end (ADD sufferers get easily distracted) and (3) require the student some degree of autonomy to get assignments done at home, where they may not have a parent to stay by them and make sure the work gets done(easily distracted). 

Now, the military is more structured-an environment that ADD sufferers tend to thrive in. They need to be told what to do and they also have their unit to fall back on for their shortcomings. The military gives them the excitement they crave so that they do not become easily distracted or bored. 

Most ADD sufferers suffer from low self esteem. They have been told they are stupid and dumb since they were kids. They usually don't do well in school and the bad grades and insults from peers,frustrated parents and teachers further degrades their self esteem. By the time they look for work, they find themselves in situations that they can't control and so they find themselves working one job after another-usually getting fired. 

My husband destroyed the business we worked so hard to build up because of his ADD. Not that I am excusing his behavior, mind you, because he still owns the mistakes he made, but one of my demands to taking him back was that he be diagnosed and if he turned out to have ADD, he would take medication faithfully (another problem we had-ADD sufferers tend to forget a LOT, leading you to think that he doesn't think you're worth the effort). He went to the doctor,was diagnosed immediately and was on medication the next day.Therapy also needs to play a role; a therapist experienced with ADD will teach him tricks to manage the problem that go beyond medication. 

If he has problems with forgetting often, get him to use a PDA-most guys love techno-gadgets and if you can afford a low cost one, then he will likely use it because it's fun to use(go with him and hold on to that credit card tight!). Then he can schedule appointments, jot notes,etc. and have it all in one place. The trick to making it work for your ADD sufferer is making sure they don't lose the darn thing!We've bought a few but he's improving with medication...... 

Again, I can't say if your husband has ADD, only a doctor can do that (even a regular MD). But it's a thought that struck me watching the show this morning; that I was that first couple,too. Our lives are getting back on track and while not perfect,there are things you can both learn about ADD that will explain a lot of strange, hurtful behaviors and will help you and your sufferer to learn how to cope and manage the problem.Good luck and I hope this helps. 

Sorry - I don't buy A.D.D. as an excuse for picking up women and having sex with them.  There are numerous men with A.D.D. who do not cheat on their wife!  He needs to stop.  And you need to stop accepting his excuse!
 
April 4, 2006, 2:57 pm CDT

What an eye opeing show

My husband fits the same profile as Duane.  He is unhappy about being married, loves to spend spend spend and has been online every chance he can get since mid-Jan 06.  Since I am able to see some of the web-sites he is going on , I have found out he is going out to porn sites and is looking to find old classmates.  He is 45 years old and has stated recently that he is going through a mid-life crisis.  We are both seeing separate counselors and I have made extreme process in regaining my self-confidence.  The first thing I realized is Dr. Phil is right about having to work on yourself.  I have discovered I don't need "things" to make me happy because they just cause debt.  I am working on making myself and my twin boys happy.  My husband hasn't left and we have had marital problems prior to his becoming obsessed with the internet.  After attending a session with his counselor privately I found out his counselor thinks he has a borderline personality disorder, but it doesn't appear to me they are working on this.  My husband forced himself on me after the birth of our sons and has told me to get "OVER IT" but I have had difficulty doing this.  I am thankful that I have found an awesome therapist who tells me where I need to make improvements and how to start dealing with the anger, resentment and bitterness I have for my husband.  Like so many of you we are struggling with debt and to make matters worse we are buying  a new house.  We both admitt that we are not in love with each other, but somedays I am confident I will be able to turn my feelings around.  He says we are best friends, but I know best friends don't treat each other the way we do.  I do know that I will be fine with or without my husband, financially I will be better off and I am so lucky to have an awesome support group who lets me vent and offers some advice, but they ultimately know we have to decide if this marriage will work.  By the way this is my husbands 2nd marriage and I am now realizing this is how he probably acted 13 years ago when he left his 1st wife, but the internet offers so many more options for spouses to stray from any relationship.
 
April 4, 2006, 3:01 pm CDT

I WANT MY EX BACK

I MYSELF WENT BACK TO MY EX SEVERAL TIMES AND FINALLY FIGURED OUT I LEFT FOR  REASON  NOTHING CHANGEDTHE LIES WERE STILL THERE THE CHEATING WAS STILL THERE. I FEEL SOME SITUATIONS YOUR BETTER OFFLEAVING FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS.  

 
April 4, 2006, 3:09 pm CDT

I feel your pain

Quote From: bakerygrll

i just dont know what to do.My husband of 11 years is addicted to internet porn and does not have sex with me anymore even though i am in great shape and really want it with him.i recently found out that he was instant messaging a 23 year old girl from one of his accounts and has been lying to me about who she was.it turns out he has been lying to me about alot of things over the years and has created elaborate stories to tell me so i would believe the lies.he has promised me on numerous occasions that he would stop lying.looking at porn and talking to the 23 year old.i have caught him doing all this and more many times.this time i have told him to move out if he doesnt stop.he has started going to a therapist for his addictions and i have as well.i still dont know what to do,however,because i cant seem to trust him or believe him about anything.the therapist tells me i need to make a decision.i still have hope that our marriage can be saved.we have no children.i consider him my best friend,as i can rely on him for alot.i just cant keep living with a person i cant trust.
I am going through a similar situation and have posted my story.  I consider my husband my best friend too and realized through therapy no one would treat their best friend the way our husbands are treating us.  Work on yourself and what does and will make you happy.  I am a stay at home mother of 2 five year olds and would leave my husband in a minute if he ever starts dating someone.  The internet is great for locating information and paying bills and for your childrens education, but once a person gets into the porn and all this online chatting I think marriages are in for a big surprise.  I do not go onto the internet with the intent of finding someone new or doing anything to disrespect my husband.  Our husbands have lost respect for themselves and for their spouses and I don't know if there is a way to regain that respect.  I thought my husband was doing this because I had gained weight, but after reading your message, I see this is happening to several women and it doesn't discriminate.
 
April 4, 2006, 3:10 pm CDT

Are you kidding?

Quote From: rpries31

i thought Scott looks like Tim McGraw. 

Anyway, what does his looking like Tim McGraw have to do with the show? sheeeesh 

  

 
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