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Topic : 07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

Number of Replies: 260
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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:46:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/04/06) Have you ever called it quits and then decided you wanted your ex back? Amber's divorce from her husband of 10 years, Duane, is almost final, but she wonders if she's making the right choice. Is Duane willing to change and meet some of Amber's demands? Should Amber tear up the papers and let Duane move back in? Then, Scott and Erin have been married, divorced, reconciled, engaged and are now separated again. He wants her to come home and raise their children together, but she says she doesn't know how she could ever love him again. What's behind the conflict in this marriage, and can they resolve it and reignite their romance? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 3, 2006, 6:12 pm CDT

Think it through

Hello.  I am a 47 year old female who just took her husband back after a 4 year separation.   Wow it is an emotional roller coaster.   It is something we both want and wanted.  However,  before you do this,  make sure the questions you ask about "while we were apart" are answered truthfully.    Honestly,  the answers,  if presented in a lie,  are far more damaging than anything else the two of you have been through.   Since my husband has returned I have learned things about him that actually turn my stomach.   He is a totally different person than the man I thought I knew.   In all honesty he is someone I would not have anything to do with at all.   He is manipulative and is a blatant liar.  I know I have gotten myself into a situation that perhaps I did on my own.  But... I never bargained for anything I have learned.  Strip Clubs, hookers, and total scanks, women he slept with out of the blue, women he took home from stip clubs,  are just the icing on the cake.  Lies about behaviors that he knew if I would have known upfront,   would have never agreed to move in together.  Lowlife friends and a lifestyle that would make his own mother cry.   Lowlifes that he lied about me to in an effort to make himself look better. Marriage proposals while he is still married to me was the first thing to cross my path.   The list goes on and on.    I know most people would feel I am crazy for trying.  But I remember how it was without him.  I love him with all my heart.  I fear that who I love is no longer with me.  I keep looking for him and he has not appeared.   I long for the relationship we had before.  I fear that it is never going to happen.  I can not recover from what has happened.  Maybe if the people he were around were even 1/10 of what I knew him to be, it would not be so difficult.   Maybe if he would have ended the affair he was having before comming home to be with me , I would be better.  Maybe this, Maybe that.  Who knows.   It is hard to maintain your self esteem and your trust.  It  IS an uphill battle all the way.   We have  been at this for over 1 year now.  We still argue about his lies after he came home.  We fight about his denials of how he felt and that he liked what he was doing. He claims one thing verbaly,  and his behavior states something different.   Also ,  he alone,  is responsible for his own actions.  Each time it breaks a little more of me and us away.   I am not without fault here. I also had an affair.   But it never felt right to me. I ended it very abruptly.   I wanted him But he was gone with out a trace.  I lived in hell for four years over my mistake.  Now I am to blame for his falling apart and falling into a world of  liars, hookers and crack whores, and lowlife women.   I am not sure how much longer I can hold up.  So People be smart.  Before you decide, think it through and do a little investigating on your own.  Save yourself and give it time.  
 
April 3, 2006, 9:16 pm CDT

Sorry to hear

Quote From: leettak

Hello.  I am a 47 year old female who just took her husband back after a 4 year separation.   Wow it is an emotional roller coaster.   It is something we both want and wanted.  However,  before you do this,  make sure the questions you ask about "while we were apart" are answered truthfully.    Honestly,  the answers,  if presented in a lie,  are far more damaging than anything else the two of you have been through.   Since my husband has returned I have learned things about him that actually turn my stomach.   He is a totally different person than the man I thought I knew.   In all honesty he is someone I would not have anything to do with at all.   He is manipulative and is a blatant liar.  I know I have gotten myself into a situation that perhaps I did on my own.  But... I never bargained for anything I have learned.  Strip Clubs, hookers, and total scanks, women he slept with out of the blue, women he took home from stip clubs,  are just the icing on the cake.  Lies about behaviors that he knew if I would have known upfront,   would have never agreed to move in together.  Lowlife friends and a lifestyle that would make his own mother cry.   Lowlifes that he lied about me to in an effort to make himself look better. Marriage proposals while he is still married to me was the first thing to cross my path.   The list goes on and on.    I know most people would feel I am crazy for trying.  But I remember how it was without him.  I love him with all my heart.  I fear that who I love is no longer with me.  I keep looking for him and he has not appeared.   I long for the relationship we had before.  I fear that it is never going to happen.  I can not recover from what has happened.  Maybe if the people he were around were even 1/10 of what I knew him to be, it would not be so difficult.   Maybe if he would have ended the affair he was having before comming home to be with me , I would be better.  Maybe this, Maybe that.  Who knows.   It is hard to maintain your self esteem and your trust.  It  IS an uphill battle all the way.   We have  been at this for over 1 year now.  We still argue about his lies after he came home.  We fight about his denials of how he felt and that he liked what he was doing. He claims one thing verbaly,  and his behavior states something different.   Also ,  he alone,  is responsible for his own actions.  Each time it breaks a little more of me and us away.   I am not without fault here. I also had an affair.   But it never felt right to me. I ended it very abruptly.   I wanted him But he was gone with out a trace.  I lived in hell for four years over my mistake.  Now I am to blame for his falling apart and falling into a world of  liars, hookers and crack whores, and lowlife women.   I am not sure how much longer I can hold up.  So People be smart.  Before you decide, think it through and do a little investigating on your own.  Save yourself and give it time.  
About your situation. It sounds like your husband is a sex addict. It doesn't sound like he has taken any responsibility for his actions and that he is covering up his behaviour. I sounds like you are blaming yourself for his behaviour about having an affair yourself. Something must have happened for you to split up in the first place and the fact that it took 4 years to get back together again. I think the hardest thing is when a person bases the relationship on the good beginning of a relationship thinking somehow it will be like that again and maybe it was an illusion. I go to a support group called COSA.(co dependent of a sex addict) I wish you well in trying to figure things out and hope things get better for you. It really sounds like you have to start taking care of yourself. Really take care of yourself.
 
April 4, 2006, 6:03 am CDT

I can relate

To Amber:  I can so relate to your situation.  I am 40 years old and have been married to my husband for 16 years.  Regarding finances, he's the very same way.  Up until about 4 years ago, I was the one who wrote checks for the bills and we had a joint checking account.  My husband would continually spend money like we had a money tree in the back yard.  I had to juggle bills all the time and it was very stressful.  I tried and tried to talk to him about it but he is very immature and selfish.  I wanted us to work toward the same goals and his goal was to get what he wanted when he wanted it.  He would make major purchases without even consulting me.  One time he came home in a red corvette!  Another time he bought a 36' boat.  Actually, I think he bought about 3 different boats.  Anyway, when he would come home with this stuff I felt like he was doing it to me.  I'd ask him, "Don't you realize what this is doing to me?  We cannot afford this.  How are we going to pay for it."  His response was the way he grew up.  He'd pay for it as long as he could and then they could repossess it.  I was not raised that way and I did not want to live that way.  Like you I saw red flags before the marriage but I thought we had so much fun together that everything would work out.  Well, 4 years ago I ended up having a nervous breakdown and had to spend 7 nights in the psychiatric ward.  Which actually turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself because they hooked me up with counseling and through that I learned to take care of myself.  While I was in the hospital and I told him that finances were my major problem, he said he would start paying the household bills and we could each have a personal account to pay for our individual credit cards, etc.  Well, that really took a load off me.  It feels wonderful not to have my money snatched from me because of his childish whims.  Since then I have been able to pay off all but one of my credit cards and I am saving money.  I hate that we have to like like this but this is the only way to keep my sanity.  About 2 days after I got out of the hospital and he knew that finances were pushing me over the edge, he came home and announced he had bought another very large boat.  I believe I stopped breathing for a moment.  I asked him how he could do this to me knowing what I just went through.  He said it was his money and he would pay it.  Anyway I haven't spent a dime on that boat but it just showed me that he was always going to think of himself first and the marriage second.  I didn't want to divorce because our daughter was 2 years old and I was afraid if we weren't married she would never see him.  I didn't think he would want his life bothered with what he called "that baby".   Since then I have learned to expect a lot less from him, actually expect nothing from him and I don't get upset because he never lets me down because I never had any expectations to begin with.  I truly hate that my marriage is this way.  If I had it to do over I never would have married him in the first place.  Think about that.  Think hard.  Take care of yourself.  If you don't take control of your life, someone else will.  I wish you much luck.  Sorry this is so long, I just kinda got on a roll.
 
April 4, 2006, 6:51 am CDT

our situation

My husband Bill and I have only been married a year, but he has changed drastically in that year. When we first met he was the perfect gentleman and my best friend. We got pregnant almost immediately after we married and that's when the problems began. As I was watching the show today I was shocked at how much my husband and I were like the first couple. He has rediculous spending habits, I feel as if he lacks responsibility, self control, and empathy for me. We argue nearly every day about money, his mood swings, just about everything. Bill is in the ARMY and just the other night I was in a car accident with our 3 month old infant because the military police dropped him off on post for wandering down the middle of the street. I wish that there was more help out there for soldiers. We have gone to indivdual group therapy sessions, marriage retreats, as well being psychiatrically evaluated. Nothing helps. Bill is entirely too self centered. All he says is," I'm too selfish for this. I've made a mistake" or ,"Tabby you just need to deal with me. I am like the lottery...sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I guess you just don't like to gamble." I was also laughing when I heard the guy's motto on the show today. My husband also lives by that very same motto. I just want my knight in shining armor back. I want the man I fell in love with back. Sometimes I do want to leave, but marriage is something I take very seriously and I wish my husband could meet me half way.
 
April 4, 2006, 7:27 am CDT

Amber be strong and know you have lots of support

Amber you keep strong and know that you have my support.  Start putting yourself and the children first and let Duane move on with his selfish lifestyle.  It isn't easy and it is always easier for people outside the situation to tell you what to do, but believe me when I say you are a great person and you deserve more!  I truly take each and every word Dr. Phil says as gospel and I really believe that Dr. Phil is on your side and he does not push divorce as you know....he always has said you have to earn your way out of a marriage.  Well girl, you have earned your way out!  You are young, beautiful and have three gorgeous children that need their mom to be happy.  You touched my heart and I will keep you in my thoughts.  Your friend in NY 

 
April 4, 2006, 7:42 am CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Okay, here it goes, 

Love does NOT, I repeat NOT conquer all problems in a relationship, if anything, sometimes we are so blinded by the good feelings that the emotion brings, that the red flags are too often ignored ( and as much as many will hate to see this, it seems it's women who choose to ignore them most often ).  This is the reason for abusive relationships, and controlling relationships. 

What I want to know is this, are women today THAT desperate that we have to settle for the first thing that bats his eyelashes at us ?  I mean let's get real here, the signs are there at the beginning of any relationship.  If he was acting like a sex starved teenager while you were dating, unless you set him straight at the beginning, guess what, and here's the SUPRISE, it will continue after you get married. 

My advice to anyone contemplating taking someone back would be, understand you cannot change him/ her, they HAVE to be willing to change themselves, and I would not take them back until they have proven they have taken the proper steps to change themselves, if it takes a year, so be it, if you choose to stay in contact great, well with the children you kind of have to, but the separation might be better for all, if you can get along. 

My next bit of advice would be to upgrade your job skills, make a positive change for yourself, so you don't feel a need to have someone look after you, that gives you leverage, so if the changes were only superficial, you have given yourself the tools to stand on your own two feet, and the confidence to say, I can look after myself thank you. 

I think a marriage can survive the " Almost, but not quite Divorce, " but it takes the efforts of both parties, and the commitment to yourselves, and you own sanity, and I think we have to start teaching our daughters, that marriage and children are NOT the only option out there for her, we should be teaching them to value themselves, and to stand on their own, and maybe we will have a generation of strong women, who don't NEED to be taken care of. 

  

 
April 4, 2006, 8:22 am CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: bitagijo

My husband Bill and I have only been married a year, but he has changed drastically in that year. When we first met he was the perfect gentleman and my best friend. We got pregnant almost immediately after we married and that's when the problems began. As I was watching the show today I was shocked at how much my husband and I were like the first couple. He has rediculous spending habits, I feel as if he lacks responsibility, self control, and empathy for me. We argue nearly every day about money, his mood swings, just about everything. Bill is in the ARMY and just the other night I was in a car accident with our 3 month old infant because the military police dropped him off on post for wandering down the middle of the street. I wish that there was more help out there for soldiers. We have gone to indivdual group therapy sessions, marriage retreats, as well being psychiatrically evaluated. Nothing helps. Bill is entirely too self centered. All he says is," I'm too selfish for this. I've made a mistake" or ,"Tabby you just need to deal with me. I am like the lottery...sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I guess you just don't like to gamble." I was also laughing when I heard the guy's motto on the show today. My husband also lives by that very same motto. I just want my knight in shining armor back. I want the man I fell in love with back. Sometimes I do want to leave, but marriage is something I take very seriously and I wish my husband could meet me half way.
If you ask me, he is telling you he wants out.  Just look forward and see what your baby is going to learn.  Obviously, he is very immature and needs you to make the move.  He will never tell you to go because he is a coward but he will never let you be respected again.  I can tell you this because the father of my two year old son was very similar.  Eventually he became verbally and so emotionally abusive that I left.  It was very scary and I found support in our mutual male friend.  The male friend and I became very close and I became ridden with guilt.  I cared about my son's father but enough was enough.   I never thought he would or could change.  What scared him most was when the other man proposed marriage.  He then realized how special I am and that many people see that quality that he took advantage of.  I made a choice to work things out again with him and it has been a very rough road.  Sometimes I am so certain I did the right thing being a family again, other days I feel that I will never feel that connection, the trust or passion.  It can be so hard to love someone who was so cruel.  And I am afraid of being hurt again so I sheild any feelings I may feel.  I feel that as soon as he is "comfortable" he will be in control again.  Good luck to you and your baby, I think you should look for support from friends and family to give you and your husband time to seperate and see if YOU even want this man in your life or if you are just dissapointed that he is not  interested in being a  family anymore.
 
April 4, 2006, 8:22 am CDT

duane seems familiar.....

Yikes!  Duane is the exact carbon-copy of my ex-husband.  Mine would come over and grope me in front of friends and family, make sexual comments to my mother, and everything else that Amber mentioned.   

  

The weird thing is that my ex also went and bought a motorcycle right before the divorce was final.  AND a new car......a drum set (he doesn't lay drums), 2 custom guitars, a new computer, digital camera, and a PDA.  Oh, and a nice weekend suite in another city, where his girlfriend lived (I found that part out later).  When I noticed that our savings account had dropped several thousand dollars, I pulled the remaining money out (less than 1/3 of what had been in there). 

  

My lawyer took one look at my ex, when we went to our court hearing, and asked, "What did you EVER see in that jerk?" 

  

The judge asked me the same thing.  My ex was even a jerk to the judge, who rules almost entirely in my favor and gave me a lot more than my ex got. 

  

Amber: stay far, far away from Duane.  Unfortunately, you will have to deal with him until your youngest child is 18, but you don't have to put up with his attitude, etc.  My ex is a royal pain in the butt and I have to deal with him until my daughter is 18, but I have a WONDERFUL guy now, who wouldn't even think of doing the things my ex did.  Run, don't walk, and get far from Duane!!! 

 
April 4, 2006, 8:30 am CDT

Feel the same way

Oh my, oh my. So I'm not the only one who's confused about the home situation. I'm 37 and have been married since 1998. I saw red flags go up before I married my husband, but, with family helping push to get married because I was 30, I chose to marry my husband without much thought. He had 2 children from a previous relationship and then now, we have 3 together. My brakes failed and I couldn't stop before, during, or even now in this marriage. My husband is very controlling and he is very good at manipulation and using the kids, and maybe it's not directly but can still affect them. I've threw my husband out 2 times and took him back each time and then finally moved out of the house with the children and after 2 years, he just moved in. It was a mistake that I continue to make. My husband hasn't changed. He's like a kid himself. Isn't responsible. And now feel stuck because I don't want to keep putting my children through this relationship. I have taken my husband to court for support because he hasn't allowed me to work outside the home, and everytime I did, he would make it impossible for me to go and I would end up getting fired. I receive child support  and he threatens that if I divorce him, he'll run and I won't get a penny from him. I have 2 children with disabilities and it is impossible for me to work at his point due to the compromising positions of their disabilities. He tells me every day that if I don't like it, divorce him, and I won't get a penny. I keep telling him, it's not for me, it's for his kids. I haven't had a new wardrobe, new shoes, or anything new in probably 4 years. Everything goes towards bills and the children for their needs. I'm just so confused, because of his threats. He tells me he'll never change and this is the way it is. I have 2 choices he says, to either drop the support and be a family or to keep living the way we are. If I drop the support, he has a history of not paying bills and spending fivorously. He already had us lose one home and vehicles, I'm not jeopardizing the lives of my children and having them not have a home to live in. He's hung up on the sexuality of a relationship. I'm like Amber, I don't like being groped in front of the children. It's inappropriate. There is more to a marriage than sex. I don't know how to feel. I get angry with myself because I'm caught in something that I feel I can't take a stand for. I don't know whether to be quiet and live the rest of the 14 years until my youngest is 18 and then get out or to get out now. I should have never taken my husband back. Amber shouldn't take hers back either. They won't change. Don't take them back. My husband and I were better towards each other when we were separate than together.
 
April 4, 2006, 8:35 am CDT

I want my wife back

Life is too short to live it so unhappy.  I was with a wonderful man for 25 years.  He treated me with respect and I treated him the same.  We found things that we enjoyed together and sometimes we gave into the things that made the other happy, but not hurtful or boring to the one giving in.  I lost my love in November 2004 after a long illness.  I would give anything for just one more day with him but I know that I treated him good while he was on this earth and I also know how much he loved me.   Maybe the people on Dr. Phil's show today should ask the question, "What if something tragic was to happen to my partner, would I have said and done everything I could to let them know how much I loved them?"  Something to think about! 

 
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