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Topic : 07/03 "I Want My Ex Back"

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Created on : Friday, March 31, 2006, 12:46:27 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 04/04/06) Have you ever called it quits and then decided you wanted your ex back? Amber's divorce from her husband of 10 years, Duane, is almost final, but she wonders if she's making the right choice. Is Duane willing to change and meet some of Amber's demands? Should Amber tear up the papers and let Duane move back in? Then, Scott and Erin have been married, divorced, reconciled, engaged and are now separated again. He wants her to come home and raise their children together, but she says she doesn't know how she could ever love him again. What's behind the conflict in this marriage, and can they resolve it and reignite their romance? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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meanddoug

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April 4, 2006, 4:25 pm PDT

Do I or Don't I?

I just left my husband about a month ago and am about to go meet him for a coffee for the first time since I left. I miss him like crazy, and love him so much it hurts, but I had to leave. He is an alcoholic and clinically depressed. He goes from being the most charming, loving, funny, generous man, to someone who calls me horrible names and makes cruel comments, gets angry and frustrated easily, yells, throws furniture and dishes, and punches holes in the walls. I am lucky we don't have children together, he has a five year old son. We have been married less than a year, but lived together for two years before we married. Holy red flags batman! He says he isn't giving up on our marriage, and will get counselling, but so far he's all talk. I am struggling to stay strong while missing him so much. I have to say though, my new apartment is so calm and peaceful without him. I never new which Doug I was going to get when I walked in the door. Maybe I should get a cat instead?

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jacuelyn

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Happy

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April 4, 2006, 4:31 pm PDT

Erin you go girl (far away)

Erin your doing exactly what I should have done years ago. Being married 27 years to a controlling person and they cant figure out why you dont want to crawl in bed? The words coming out of their mouth make you cringe dont they? Everything comes with an underlying meaning. If your nice its the signal for okay jump in bed. I never felt better being on my own alot of lonliness but my self esteem is so much better. I dont feel like I have to watch everything and everybody , I can wake up and decide when and what I want to do, not what do I have to do to keep peace

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sbcatcher

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April 4, 2006, 4:31 pm PDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: mykidzmum2

Well said!! Dr. Phil gave Duane the opportunity to speak up and defend himself and he couldn't! He couldn't because there is no defending himself. Dr. Phil always is fair and he was fair in their discussion. It is obvious to me that Dr. Phil knows what Amber needs to do and I know Amber knows what she needs to do and I know she will do it!

I happen to know Duane well and I can tell you the only reason he did not "defend" himself is because he would have opened a whole can of worms and had to expose Amber's true self. He was man enough not to do that to her on national t.v. As you can see he is still in love with her and didn't want to hurt her. It is too bad Amber has to use that love to try to get everything she can get out of this man. She wants him to sign over the house? Why so she can have the last thing this man has left? She wants him to live with his parents? Why so she can get more of his money for alimony and child support? She wants to fix him? I actually think she broke him. Believe me Amber has gotten whatever she could and she will get what she can from her next victim.

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jjenny

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April 4, 2006, 4:34 pm PDT

You're kidding right?

This did seem like man bashing if you ask me. Why did we only hear her complaints and not his? I can't believe that the issue of the "mother who would fight to the death for her kids" willingly GAVE UP custody of her kids, and admits to paying no child support, was never addressed. Yet now she should be able to come and go in their daily live's according to her own personal agenda ie, hanging out with her friends. The issue of the Mother out partying all the time was quickly swept under the rug and not confronted either.The Father got zero credit for taking custody of his kids. Now if everybody, including Dr. Phil, wants to be honest here.......................

*if the custody arrangement had been reversed and the Mother had custody and the FAther was out partying not paying child support.......

Dr. Phil would have been all over that man for not paying child support and drilling in how hard it is to be a single parent, bla bal bal balh ( we have all heard his rant on it a zillion times) Dr. Phil would also be advocating a clear cut schedule for visitation so there would no back and forth with the kids. He would be telling the Father how unfair it would be to the kids if he was just showing up when he felt like it and the Mother said no. But in this case he actually chastizes the Father for not allowing the Mother to come and go as she pleases. I mean, think about it, didn't we just see the revesre on the "divorce" show just last week.

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sinbare

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April 4, 2006, 4:35 pm PDT

Tim McGraw????

Quote From: rpries31

i thought Scott looks like Tim McGraw.

Tim is much better looking? Not even close!

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ceildh1

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Cranky

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April 4, 2006, 4:37 pm PDT

Please Think about this

Quote From: lindalm727

Hello all,

I'm going through something similar. I want my ex back too. Only I was nevered married to him, but we have a beautiful daughter together. We were together for 1 year and half. He says he is done trying and I want us to try one last time. I want us to get counseling and try. We have never tried that, he said he would but never got to it, cause he moved on to another female. I hate the fact he has a new girlfriend. He says it's not his girlfriend and he only sees her ocassionally but after a week of being apart he had already found someone. And now has been seeing her for 4 months. He raley sees his daughter. He only saw her 3 times last month. He plays these games with me....a couple of weeks ago we got together intamtley then the next day wanted nothing to do with me. we fight all the time....now i won't let him see the baby unless its around me in a public place. what do i do?

Why do you want him back exactly ? is it for your daughter ? Trust me she will not thank you for forcing her to live with a father who obviously is too immature to realize that SHE should be number one in his life, and belive me she will thank you less for being brought up in a home with parents who are constanly fighting, or are living with pent up resentment toward each other.

If he says he's done, then he's probably done, and no amount of nagging or tears will bring him around, as hard as it is, you have to move on for your own sake, get a lawyer and get child support, again, get an education, and give your child a life not to mention, you sound young, you deserve to be happy.

He's playing games because he can. He has obviously learned if the latest kicks him out of bed, he's got another one to go to, there aren't too many games out there that can be played with only one player.

Yes, I agree that breaking up is NEVER pretty, and it is hurtful, and it can leave you feeling like garbage, but you know what ? There was life before this jerk, and life will go on after him, but it is up to YOU alone to embrace life and find a way through, if not for yourself, than for your daughter, he obviously wants to break from you, but he wants to see how far YOU will allow him to string you along, to be blunt, it is now YOUR problem, he's having some fun with a willing partner. Sorry about the ramble, but I hate to see young women end up settling for just anything.

It will be hard, but not impossible to get the education and job skills you need, if he cannot be trusted with the child, then you are right to have him supervised, but do it through the courts so he has nothing to hold over you and so you have legal recourse if he tries to break it, but for your sake, you need to break completly, and think of yourself and child.

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ebertpj

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April 4, 2006, 4:42 pm PDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Quote From: leettak

Hello. I am a 47 year old female who just took her husband back after a 4 year separation. Wow it is an emotional roller coaster. It is something we both want and wanted. However, before you do this, make sure the questions you ask about "while we were apart" are answered truthfully. Honestly, the answers, if presented in a lie, are far more damaging than anything else the two of you have been through. Since my husband has returned I have learned things about him that actually turn my stomach. He is a totally different person than the man I thought I knew. In all honesty he is someone I would not have anything to do with at all. He is manipulative and is a blatant liar. I know I have gotten myself into a situation that perhaps I did on my own. But... I never bargained for anything I have learned. Strip Clubs, hookers, and total scanks, women he slept with out of the blue, women he took home from stip clubs, are just the icing on the cake. Lies about behaviors that he knew if I would have known upfront, would have never agreed to move in together. Lowlife friends and a lifestyle that would make his own mother cry. Lowlifes that he lied about me to in an effort to make himself look better. Marriage proposals while he is still married to me was the first thing to cross my path. The list goes on and on. I know most people would feel I am crazy for trying. But I remember how it was without him. I love him with all my heart. I fear that who I love is no longer with me. I keep looking for him and he has not appeared. I long for the relationship we had before. I fear that it is never going to happen. I can not recover from what has happened. Maybe if the people he were around were even 1/10 of what I knew him to be, it would not be so difficult. Maybe if he would have ended the affair he was having before comming home to be with me , I would be better. Maybe this, Maybe that. Who knows. It is hard to maintain your self esteem and your trust. It IS an uphill battle all the way. We have been at this for over 1 year now. We still argue about his lies after he came home. We fight about his denials of how he felt and that he liked what he was doing. He claims one thing verbaly, and his behavior states something different. Also , he alone, is responsible for his own actions. Each time it breaks a little more of me and us away. I am not without fault here. I also had an affair. But it never felt right to me. I ended it very abruptly. I wanted him But he was gone with out a trace. I lived in hell for four years over my mistake. Now I am to blame for his falling apart and falling into a world of liars, hookers and crack whores, and lowlife women. I am not sure how much longer I can hold up. So People be smart. Before you decide, think it through and do a little investigating on your own. Save yourself and give it time.

Hell-o, I just read your heart felt life, I'm sorry for you but you wrote this for me i've been DIVORCE for 4 yrs and grieving for my ex-husband I had a bad wreck and stayed in the Hospital for 3 weeks when I was let go he stayed 2 weeks and then he left me to drown in it, no money no nothing to make it after three yrs of marriege, and I had been married for 25 yrs before him and he knew I had just been through hell .. My husband My first husband would make the guy on the Dr show look good he did that with me and my youngest still believes his crap and he was 17 when I left his dad.. I have three children they are grown now 34,29,27,.. I'm 51 now and I guess I have lived enough in hell ..I have prayed and cried for him to come back, and he loved the computer, if you get my drift, he loved looking at other woman ,too.. He would live in the computer room.. he would sneak around ..well its a book of what I have lived in, don't want to bore you.. I wanted to say thank you for writing and I'm sorry for you but you have answered a prayer I have been praying for .. for4 yrs..I don't need the hurt any more.. I'm going to clean my closet ...of him...One thing becareful who you date because they never stay the same, that is who I miss he was my best friend, not a good husband but a good friend when I was going through the first divorce , I don't have a friend to get me over him, i'm disable too.. and older, thank you again I know he is never coming back, but my stupid self wanted that. now maybe I can go on..

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sinbare

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April 4, 2006, 4:45 pm PDT

Get a paternity test

Quote From: ladybuy21

hi im 22 years old and me and my husband have been spilt up for 6 months and i really want him back and he don't want to get back together what should i do ? I know he still loves me and i still love him . After we split he found out i cheated on him and now im going to have a baby in about 8 weeks and not sure if its his are not. He says its not his.THat was not the reason we spilt till he found out than really didn't want me back if i could turn back time i would .I feel like he is not giveing this time to be fix are to give me a 2nd go round what shold i do

A paternity test will answer the question of who the father is. How will that help your relationship is up to you. The boy was hurt when he found out about the affair. Why you split up is unimportant now. If after you've had the paternity test and he is the father, he may feel differently towards you. But if not, the real father still needs to be told. If you really want your husband back try making amends for cheating.

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maris18

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April 4, 2006, 4:47 pm PDT

thanks for sharing

Quote From: piehole74

Back in 2000, my husband of just about 5 years( 1 month short). Got a divorce. We had 2 GREAT boy's 3 and 1.

We grew apart it was like we where roomates, no sex life what so ever. So why stay togeather? He did not want to split up.We lived in different towns, he got the boys every other weekend and 1 night durning the week.

After time had gone by we both started to date, i right away got into a relationship with another man. He just dated. I grew to love this other man, but in the back of my mind i always woundered if i had did the right thing.

Well my ex and i talked alot, even got togeather from time to time and hung out. This went on for 2 years, me being with another man and him dating. But while this was going on we where getting to know each other again. After you are married with kids, bills, work etc, its like you get in a rut and can't get out. I decided to end it with the other man and see where my ex and I would go from there.

Well i can tell you we got back togeather, i moved into his home, and things have been GREAT!!!!!!!!

It's like we fell in love all over again. I understand him so much better now. I had to change alot and so did he but after being apart for 2 1/2 years we both learned alot.
So sometimes going back is not always a bad thing, you both have to want it, and you both have to change what was wrong to start with. Yes we still have little spats ( he does make me mad), but i know now it's gonna be ok. Hope everyone the best of luck!!!!!!!!

I'm really happy for you. I feel that's what me and my husband need right now. We have no kids, been married almost 2 yrs, but have been together since May 2000. We started out as friends (although we both admitted that we loved each other from day one) and it evolved into more. We always were close and could always talk to each other but in the last yr it turned into a roommate situation. In his eyes i should be jumping his bones and touching him every moment of the day!! But he hasn't held a job in over a yr and has sooooo many issues going on. I keep thinking if we seperate (even though I don't want to) that maybe he will realize what he wants. I can't believe you were apart for that long and things worked out. Was there a jealousy issue with dating other people ? THat's the one part I don't know if i could handle.

Thanks for sharing :)

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justafan

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April 4, 2006, 4:51 pm PDT

sometimes we just have to take our own advice

Quote From: dgt123

To Amber: I can so relate to your situation. I am 40 years old and have been married to my husband for 16 years. Regarding finances, he's the very same way. Up until about 4 years ago, I was the one who wrote checks for the bills and we had a joint checking account. My husband would continually spend money like we had a money tree in the back yard. I had to juggle bills all the time and it was very stressful. I tried and tried to talk to him about it but he is very immature and selfish. I wanted us to work toward the same goals and his goal was to get what he wanted when he wanted it. He would make major purchases without even consulting me. One time he came home in a red corvette! Another time he bought a 36' boat. Actually, I think he bought about 3 different boats. Anyway, when he would come home with this stuff I felt like he was doing it to me. I'd ask him, "Don't you realize what this is doing to me? We cannot afford this. How are we going to pay for it." His response was the way he grew up. He'd pay for it as long as he could and then they could repossess it. I was not raised that way and I did not want to live that way. Like you I saw red flags before the marriage but I thought we had so much fun together that everything would work out. Well, 4 years ago I ended up having a nervous breakdown and had to spend 7 nights in the psychiatric ward. Which actually turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself because they hooked me up with counseling and through that I learned to take care of myself. While I was in the hospital and I told him that finances were my major problem, he said he would start paying the household bills and we could each have a personal account to pay for our individual credit cards, etc. Well, that really took a load off me. It feels wonderful not to have my money snatched from me because of his childish whims. Since then I have been able to pay off all but one of my credit cards and I am saving money. I hate that we have to like like this but this is the only way to keep my sanity. About 2 days after I got out of the hospital and he knew that finances were pushing me over the edge, he came home and announced he had bought another very large boat. I believe I stopped breathing for a moment. I asked him how he could do this to me knowing what I just went through. He said it was his money and he would pay it. Anyway I haven't spent a dime on that boat but it just showed me that he was always going to think of himself first and the marriage second. I didn't want to divorce because our daughter was 2 years old and I was afraid if we weren't married she would never see him. I didn't think he would want his life bothered with what he called "that baby". Since then I have learned to expect a lot less from him, actually expect nothing from him and I don't get upset because he never lets me down because I never had any expectations to begin with. I truly hate that my marriage is this way. If I had it to do over I never would have married him in the first place. Think about that. Think hard. Take care of yourself. If you don't take control of your life, someone else will. I wish you much luck. Sorry this is so long, I just kinda got on a roll.

And I'm the worst one for that but . . . I think you haven't admitted to yourself that you are now living an "emotional divorce", as Dr. Phil says. If you wouldn't marry him now, given the choice, it just doesn't seem right to stay married for your daughter's sake. If he cares so little for her that he wouldn't make the effort to see her if you are apart, then it is BETTER for your daughter to be away from his influence - he will damage her. You can't fix him. You have lost your respect for him. He is a selfish man. He doesn't deserve you. I am you, 10 years later. It only gets worse. Why lose any more time?

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