Topic : Good Parenting

im a 15 year old girl i have adhd and recently my parents got divorced, i was wondering wats the difference between abuse and well not? i realize its hitting but i am just not sure.......is it only when they leave bruises? or wat is it?

please help

I was 29 when I had my first son. I was scared and happy all at the same time. I grew up from a divorced family. My parents separated when I was 10 years old. It took me a long time to come to my senses that this was of no way my fault. I was a kid that got into loads of trouble so wasn't to sure. As I got older in life I found out that both of my parents had an affair with some one else. My father messed around with a friend of his wife and got her pregnant. My mother messed around and got pregnant and then 2 years after she had my sister my parents separated. Then there was the fact of who got custody of the kids. My older brother stayed with father. He was 14 at the time. My sister went with my mother she really didn't know much due to she was very young. I was the rope in the tug a war in court. I was 10 and went back and forth. My mother it turned out wanted me for the child support and my father wanted me to save the money. I ended up staying with my father. I wished I wouldn't  for many reasons. He was a very mental and physical abuser of me. He always took out his anger from his daily life on me. Then you ask why not stay with mother well, She liked the men. I was an 11 and 12 year old day care provider for her. I really had no idea of what parenting should be. It took me up to the age of 18 to finally wake up and tell my father to kiss off. I moved out with my female friend who is now my wife. When we got moved in together she had a son that was 8 years old. I was a drunk and not that good of a person at that time. I truly say that my wife is the one who saved my life. She stood her ground and got me off the alcohol. We have had a very rocky 9 years of marriage filled with arguments in the beginning and life turning accidents in the past couple years that made our marriage stronger. We have two boys together. 08 years old and 05 years old. My stepson is 16. I have struggled in what is "Good Parenting". My father's answer to anything was to beat it into them. My mother just never really keep an eye on us.  I have always just thought what my parents would do and do the opposite. I started to watch Dr. Phil about 3 years ago. I really have picked up his quote " Hows that work-in for ya ! " I find myself saying that on alot of trials that face me. It seams like I end up up with the same answer 95 % of the time it's not. So, I try a different approach. I do not beat butt. I find that sitting on the floor works most of the time. It is a real challenge to raise kids when you have nothing to go by. I bust my butt everyday of my life with parenting and just keeping a roof over our heads for the most part. I fight depression and have very low self esteem. I saw a show with so many people and heard Dr. Phil mention his book Self Matters. On Sat. Feb. 16 th I bought it and Family First. I have only read one real book in my whole life. So, this will be a ch allege in its self. I am up to page 50 in Self Matters. I must say the book is very powerful. Having a full time job and everything else. I must say I am so much looking forward to making some serious changes in Me. So, maybe I can see what it is to define being a "Good Parent." I believe that first I must be able to find in myself  that I am a Good Person that I can really say I can be a Good Parent. I wish everyone here the best in Parenting. 

From Matt:  ( A Dad in Pennsylvania)

musik_lover15       I am sorry to hear that your parents are getting a divorce. It is very hard on kids. I know this first hand. My parents got devorced when I was 10. I just found it shocking you asking what is abuse? I hope you know that you can find answers you seek from your family doctor as well as a school counsler. You really don't need any bruises to have a form of abuse. The best that anyone can do is ask friends and family and people you trust to just talk. Even a good teacher is worth talking with.

Last night I went to bed early. I woke up around 10 pm and went to tell my son don't forget about his clothes in the dryer. OH MY GOD !! He was smoking pot in his room. We don't even smoke in the house.( cigarettes). I freaked out on him said alot of stuff to him. My last resort is tough love.He knows right from wrong. He is being defiant  . I love my son very much and He is my first. I 'm still learning about parenting a child that is 16.  I need help . When he first started acting stupid I would give him a hug and express how much we love him and how he is a big part of this family. We don't make him stay home and babysit or anything like that. Especially now. I'm not having him  watch after the 3 year old because he is making bad choices.I don't let my 2nd kid 13 to put herself in the position to where he would pick a fight with her. I would be afraid that he would hurt her . He use to be a very caring kid. I don't know what happened.For the last 3 years I have tried and went out of my way to accomidate him, just to keep the peace. That  isn't working. I told him last night I will not be talking to him or even make eye contac with him until he sraightens up.He might hate me now, but in 10 years he will love me again.I just don't want my son to get in a problem that he can't get out of in his learning process.Where have I gone wrong?

I'm at the end of my thether.  I spent an hour browsing and reading Dr. Phils advice on parenting, taking care of yourself is a gift to your children etc....

I am handling  a situation totally incorrectly at the moment. We moved house 6 months ago - a total of 35 minutes drive from our old house. Many reasons really...we felt we were living in an area that offered our teenager ample opportunity to get into trouble. She hung around for hours with her friends whos parents answer to teenage pregnancy was to put them on the pill and be done with it.  Kids were drinking and smoking and as our dd is impressionable we felt that we would be better to move than to stay.  We were known as the strict ones - strict because we didn't allow her hang around until 11 or after, strict because we felt that at 14 she was not old enough to attend the local disco where 'meeting' was a regular occurance (irish term for making out with boys).  There is time enough for that.  she had given up her activities and her boyfriend had a huge influence on her - a negative one.  She loves him I have no doubt and misses him terribly.  Although I would like ot add that she was not allowed a boyfriend and certainly not one so intense as himself.  He's argue for ages on the phone with her about her seeing other boys - she's 14.  I'd end up taking the phone from her and banning the use of her mobile after she went to bed.

Anyway back to my point.  she hates us for the move. we've ruined her life etc etc....we would expect as much and are not surprised by it.  our issue is what to do with it.  it has been 6 months, she found it hard to settle in school but it is becoming apparent that she is determined to not make it work. there is nothing like her old friends..naturally,....nothing like her old school.....we've made allowance and have gone softly softly listening and supporting.  BUT how long do you entertain that for before the line is drawn. I know she tries to make me feel badly every day.  she now says she's given up despite the fact that she was asked and went to the movies on Friday night last with new friends from her new school. 

how long do I allow her to wallow?  I am not so cold as to expect her to 'get over it' but when do you start directing it a little more positively?  She needs to move forward and start particiapating in creating her own happiness.   I have suggested dance classes, horseriding, going back to karate (she's a black belt), art classes, scuba diving...she's not taking anything up. she's miserable and determined to stay that way. 

any advice. Is there are holes in this please ask questions to fill in the gaps.

thanks in advance

worried mum 

Dear Matt.

I am sorry for all the disruption in your early life and I'm happy for you that you are working on yourself.

It sounds like you are going in the right direction. Dr. Phil also has a book called "Family First" which is great for setting family values and could answer many of the questions you have.( I am in my early 50's and have raised four daughters. It is only now that I realize what things I did well and areas I could have improved on).

I am so thankful I was a mom who never hit her children. When the girls, ages 32, 29, 22, 20,, start to reminisque about their childhood, I am so glad that beatings were not part of their rememberences. I babysit two boys (since their birth), and their father was raised by a father who slapped  him around and he says'if it was good enough for him, it's good enough for them")  Thankfully he works out of town through the week and is home on weekends!  I have seen bruises on the one child's butt at one time and was furious!  I hope these boys don't follow in their father's footsteps, and praise to  you that you know that abuse is not how to raise children.  The oldest boy is ten years old and you can tell by some of the things that he says that he has already picked up on things, just by the hitting and the way his father shows no respect for his mother, that this behavior may continue on in the next of their generation.

Dr. Phil also says, "You can tell the measure of a man, by the way he treats his family(or wife) behind closed doors")

Regarding your stepson, once again Dr. Phil says to stay out of the disapline department. It is up to the natural parent on how and what disapline  to enact.  I would agree unless he is disrepectful and once he grows bigger that mom, you may have to step in and remind him of that.  Alcohol is a huge factor in this family and I am proud of you for steering away from it.  It is nothing but trouble. You must have an angel for a wife to stay and get you through. I hope you are good to her.

My first husband was a drinker and was very verbally abusive to me and though he never hit the girls they were afraid of him. To this day they are "afraid" to tell dad this or that, or "afraid" to ask dad something, and look at their ages!!  I always encourage them face him saying, "you know he's not going to hit you, he just yells." And they say 'yeah but his face gets really red and the vein on his forehead pops out! "(Which it does) Then we laugh about it.  My second husband is a Godsend. Nothing rattles his chain and he has been a stepfather to my girls for 12 years.  He never interfered with any arguement or disapline except to say "Listen to your Mother."

I also suffer from depression and can understand from that point of view too.

But seriously, get the book, read some more and you can never stop learning how to be a better parent.

It is not until you see your child graduate high school . . . you give yourself a pat on the back, then when he graduates college. . . another pat on the back, and when you see them walk down the aisle to marry a good person, you realize. .. .I did a good job. And when you see your son/daughter being a good parent , , ,you say to yourself, . . . I did a GREAT JOB!

God Bless you and your family.

(I would be proud of you if you were a son of mine)

when we were married in 1951 we agreed that we could expect to have some degree of influence on our children until they were 18. therfore our job as parents would be to give them experience and guidance to be independent and responsible at  that age. we jointly would be the authority in the family, but would listen to their ideas. our three girls arrived more than a year apart but with birthdates that put them in stairstep order in school. we tried to offset the birth order psychology, not always successfully. when they were in middle grades they were given household chores so their mother could return to work and as part of preparation for adulthood. (some friends thought children should not have responsibilities, but today we have a good adult relationship with ours and theirs are gone with the wind) each was given a small allowance to cover church donation, school expenses and a little to spend. when our oldest went into high school she asked what her allowance would be. her face fell when i said the same as last year. but highschool is more expensive, she said. i pointed out she could earn money and reminded her that she had already been babysitting and could do more if she asked for it. when she graduated from high school she had bought a sewing machine, made her own dresses and had $800 in the bank. the other two had similar experience. all three put themselves through as much college as they wanted with scholarships, work grants and student loans, with parental support for dental and medical expenses and occasional housing. the oldest has a masters degree and teaches school. the other two dropped out after three and two years, respectively, and went into long successful careers in dinner theater. we have never offered them advice on child rearing except when specifically asked. they credit our example for their own parenting. each has a somewhat different approach but it all works.