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Topic : Good Parenting

Number of Replies: 277
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:45:41 pm
Author : dataimport
Being a good parent means more than just changing diapers and wiping noses. Share with us your strategies and stories of great parenting.

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June 10, 2008, 11:20 am CDT

What's the right decision?

 

   I am married with three children, two girls ages 18 & 16 and one boy age14. My family recently moved from NJ to TN for no reason except to make our lives better. My oldest daughter lived with us for about 2 months and was depressed because of a boyfriend she left behind. She moved back to NJ with my mother and started college there. She is still with the same boyfriend that my husband and I do not care for. The problem that I am having now is that my middle daughter wants to move back to NJ because she hates it in TN. She had a difficult time and dislikes her high school but she does have some friends. She talks to her friends in NJ all the time. She wants to move back with my mother and finish her last two years of high school there. She refuses to get a job here in TN or go back to the high school.  She just recently got her license to drive and has her own car that my husband wants to take away if she doesn't get a job. I am not ready to let her move so far away, its hard enough to let one daughter go. I also do not think it is fair for my mother to have to raise my two children. I am so depressed! I love it here in TN and do not want to move back but I can't stand the stress that my daughters are putting on me. I am taking my upset feeling and putting them on my husband and son. Do I let her move back to NJ or make her stay here. I do not want her to hate me and regret her life here. Please help me make this decision.

 
June 26, 2008, 12:04 pm CDT

i want to join the marines, and keep my dad at the same time, afraid ill lose him

ok so names kathy an im 20 years old, i want to become a marine, im suppose to go talk to a sargent next week, an hes gonna help me get physically fit before going to bootcamp, i havent signed anything yet cause i have to loose the weight before i can sign on, yes you have to be a certin weight that matches how tall you are to sign up, well like i said i plan on going in, my mom knows an shes not happy bout it ubut i know my dad would so be pissed at me an not talk to me, its a choice i want to do an to serve for my country because i am not haqppy with the work i do now, i work in a hospital an i just feel i could serve my country better. any ideas on how to break it to my father? i dont want to lose him but im afraid i will if i join

 

-kathy

 
July 7, 2008, 1:28 pm CDT

How do I let go!!

My daughter will be 19 next month, she is home from college and is not going back in the fall. She is going to go to the local community college. The question I have is I know she is legally an adult, and I worry about her. She goes out to the under 21 clubs and is out to 2 or 3 in the morning. Do I have a right to make a curfew since she is living in my home or should I learn to accept that I have to move on because she is a grown up. She has never been in trouble and I hope it stays this way!! Thanks for the advise!!

 

 

Lisa

 
July 7, 2008, 6:13 pm CDT

coming from the baby of five

Quote From: lab4960

My daughter will be 19 next month, she is home from college and is not going back in the fall. She is going to go to the local community college. The question I have is I know she is legally an adult, and I worry about her. She goes out to the under 21 clubs and is out to 2 or 3 in the morning. Do I have a right to make a curfew since she is living in my home or should I learn to accept that I have to move on because she is a grown up. She has never been in trouble and I hope it stays this way!! Thanks for the advise!!

 

 

Lisa

i so totally understand this. my parents for the longest time wouldn't let me do anything, but its a part of letting them make mistakes an make their own dictions BUT being there as a safety net just in case, just let her know how you feel about the situations an about not doing drugs/drinking to much, Ive seen some of whom i considered my friends get DUIs an it makes me think do i wanna be associated with that cause it isn't cool, like you just gotta let her do her thing....but the safe way an talk to her, an i understand the at your house live under my rule thing, i never understood that till i got older, but i would say come home at a more decent time so i don't have to worry or call me an let me know whats up an when your coming over, just make sure she knows her surroundings an check some of the clubs out that she goes to on-line an see if its in a bad part of town, i work in a hospital and the things i see an the pain parents go through is really tough from bad dictions kids make, hope this helped  =)
 
July 22, 2008, 9:17 am CDT

Is it to late?

I have huge issues with my parenting skills, in fact I have realized after reading just a small part of Dr. Phil's book Family First, that I need serious help, but I wonder if i have already distroyed my son? He will be 18 in August, is there any hope even if I do adopt Dr Phil's 5 factors, and what if my son isn't up to the change after all of these years of disfunction?
 
July 23, 2008, 1:08 pm CDT

19 year old "know it all" in trouble with the law

Anyone have advice about a 19 year old living at home who thinks he knows everything and may becoming alcoholic. He is very depressed and my be suicidal. I know tough-love, but he's no longer a minor and suicidal. He missed work this morning because he was hung over... boss called and is concerned about his drinking. He's on probation and was smoking dope, but now i think just drinking because it is out of his system quicker for his testing. I wan't to start an intervention but don't know my parameters. please advise!
 
August 20, 2008, 1:16 pm CDT

21 year old son at home/help

 My middle son had squandered his inheritance money (thousands of $s) - mostly car upgrades.  We were instructed by my husband's grandfather to let our 3 sons spend their monies if they wanted to.  He is only one that went through his stash foolishly. After high school my husband and I paid for him going to community college of which was 3 years and he was on academic probation and never finished. He has also had lots of jobs in the meantime of which he never stayed for more than 6 months.  Recently, our older son (single) had him live with him and to work at his company where he works to work in the warehouse.  He told him that if he didn't like the job after a week, he could quit.  Well, it lasted about 3 weeks and he did just that even though he was eligible for benefits.  I knew that this arrangement wouldn't last long for him. The job does require a long commute and was eating into his pay for gas and he just didn't like it there. Our older son would have gotten a $500 finders fee for his brother working there for 3 months and ever more $s for working there longer.  Middle son gave 2 weeks notice, but  never went for the 2 weeks - just quit  and said he was one offense anyway for  getting fired.  Needless to  say his older brother is  miffed and  disgusted with him as we are.  Now  he is back home.  He wants us to fund  going back to another community college  ($2000).  We refuse to fund him anymore.  The job would have paid for his schooling if he stayed as they did for 2 years of regular college for my older son who was employeed there while going to college. My son says his friend's parents pay for his friends college and evidentally think we're being terrible for not helping him.  We told him to get a loan if he really wants to go back to community college. He found out that it would take 7 to 8 weeks for the loan to process which would be beyond the starting time....he gave up.  Now he's neither going to school OR WORKING!   We told him he could come home again under the conditions that he would have to work and school would be his option.  If he is working for one semester's time, he can return to the community college where he was under probabation (nearer location) and start with a clean slate. He is extremely stubborn and I or my husband are so stressed dealing with him.  We've tried to get him to live elsewhere, but he won't do what is necessary to do so and doesn't have any money or any friends to go live with.  I guess you could call him a "Peter Pan" .  We've pretty much cut him off giving him money and is living off his last wages which is disappearing.  Needless to say I'm at my witts end what to do - don't want him to live on the street.  We were paying him for chores, but we've cut them off too. He is threatening that he will not speak to us again after he leaves home (whenever that is!). My husband and I have been fighting over him, especially about letting him come back home.  From an outsider's perspective, any ideas of how to deal with this dreadful son?  My husband says he should go into the Coast Guard or other armed forces which will help both him and us.
 
September 4, 2008, 7:35 pm CDT

need some help

hi i'm a stay at home mother of 2 girls they are 3 and 4! my 3 year old is always getting in to thing doesnt lisning and time outs dont work!! i'll be in the supermarket and if i let go for two seconds she ran off and out the door!! it is really hard beacuse i cant go awhere beacuse she alway being naughty, and the one time we did go out for tea she wouldnt sit down and started throw her food!! and screamin!! what do i do when nothing i do works? please help, my 4 year is good most of the time and we alway been able to take her place and she does what she is told when i take her out!!  
 
September 5, 2008, 7:53 am CDT

Good Parenting

Quote From: mms1982

hi i'm a stay at home mother of 2 girls they are 3 and 4! my 3 year old is always getting in to thing doesnt lisning and time outs dont work!! i'll be in the supermarket and if i let go for two seconds she ran off and out the door!! it is really hard beacuse i cant go awhere beacuse she alway being naughty, and the one time we did go out for tea she wouldnt sit down and started throw her food!! and screamin!! what do i do when nothing i do works? please help, my 4 year is good most of the time and we alway been able to take her place and she does what she is told when i take her out!!  

I woud suggest going somewhere with the older one and leaving the younger one home with a babysitter that wouldn't be fun for her. have the babysitter say that she is just there to supervise that she stays in her room while her mom is gone. oh and by the way your mom said that you will pay me.

most likly you will have to pay the sitter but you can have your daughter pay you back with toys or chores.  I would do this a couple of time before you take her out again.

another thing you can try is have a friend that you trust standing outside the supermarket and when she acts up or runs off you have the friend take her home and have her put your child in her room until you get home.  then stop for icecream on the way home and make sure you are still eating it when your child see's you. you may think this is mean but she is going to think twice about running off. then the next time you go out you leave her home. it may take a couple of time to really get through to her. make sure you plan it out well before you exicute it. i would be happy to help with any questions you have. good luck let me know if you try it and how it works 

 
September 11, 2008, 1:42 pm CDT

Good Parenting

Quote From: maryanders

 My middle son had squandered his inheritance money (thousands of $s) - mostly car upgrades.  We were instructed by my husband's grandfather to let our 3 sons spend their monies if they wanted to.  He is only one that went through his stash foolishly. After high school my husband and I paid for him going to community college of which was 3 years and he was on academic probation and never finished. He has also had lots of jobs in the meantime of which he never stayed for more than 6 months.  Recently, our older son (single) had him live with him and to work at his company where he works to work in the warehouse.  He told him that if he didn't like the job after a week, he could quit.  Well, it lasted about 3 weeks and he did just that even though he was eligible for benefits.  I knew that this arrangement wouldn't last long for him. The job does require a long commute and was eating into his pay for gas and he just didn't like it there. Our older son would have gotten a $500 finders fee for his brother working there for 3 months and ever more $s for working there longer.  Middle son gave 2 weeks notice, but  never went for the 2 weeks - just quit  and said he was one offense anyway for  getting fired.  Needless to  say his older brother is  miffed and  disgusted with him as we are.  Now  he is back home.  He wants us to fund  going back to another community college  ($2000).  We refuse to fund him anymore.  The job would have paid for his schooling if he stayed as they did for 2 years of regular college for my older son who was employeed there while going to college. My son says his friend's parents pay for his friends college and evidentally think we're being terrible for not helping him.  We told him to get a loan if he really wants to go back to community college. He found out that it would take 7 to 8 weeks for the loan to process which would be beyond the starting time....he gave up.  Now he's neither going to school OR WORKING!   We told him he could come home again under the conditions that he would have to work and school would be his option.  If he is working for one semester's time, he can return to the community college where he was under probabation (nearer location) and start with a clean slate. He is extremely stubborn and I or my husband are so stressed dealing with him.  We've tried to get him to live elsewhere, but he won't do what is necessary to do so and doesn't have any money or any friends to go live with.  I guess you could call him a "Peter Pan" .  We've pretty much cut him off giving him money and is living off his last wages which is disappearing.  Needless to say I'm at my witts end what to do - don't want him to live on the street.  We were paying him for chores, but we've cut them off too. He is threatening that he will not speak to us again after he leaves home (whenever that is!). My husband and I have been fighting over him, especially about letting him come back home.  From an outsider's perspective, any ideas of how to deal with this dreadful son?  My husband says he should go into the Coast Guard or other armed forces which will help both him and us.

Gee, you could be me! My middle son has been a handful since middle school. Lying about his grades was the first line of offense. He left HS and we enrolled him in an audio engineering school. He loved TV production in HS and this was his passion. We co signed the loan so he wouldn't be out there floundering around.

 

He barely made it through because he lied about being sick and forged a doctor's note. I was able to convince them to give him another chance. He moved out to be closer to the school and to help a fellow student out with his transportation to the school.  He was using his brothers old car which he was supposed to be making payments on but made very few. He asked me if we would co sign for another $3k so he could pay off his brother and get the car in top running condition for when he graduated. Come to find out there wasn't an agreement of rent money for transportation and he took a good portion of the money to pay for rent. Then he addopted a dog and that cost money because the dog had heart worms.

 

Well about a month after he graduated he tells me it isn't working out with this kid and he needs to come home. All the money is gone and he now has a dog. Only problem is our two dogs don't like other dogs so we had to find a place for the poor animal. My sister has several dogs so I asked her if he could stay there for a couple weeks. My son was supposed to move out with some friends. Never happened. The dog was there for three months with my sis paying for the dog food etc, and my son never offering help, going to see the dog, or even saying "thanks". She took the dog back to the humane society and since she used to volunteer there they let her know when he got a home. Happily to a great family!

 

My son is pissed off at my sis for doing that now. He still doesn't have a job and disrespects us by coming and going as he pleases and showing attitude when we ask him about jobs. He says he is applying places but I don't believe him, he loves to lie. He is a bit narcissitic so that concerns me also.

 

I'm ready to kick him out but I'm afraid he will go live with the crowd from HS who smoked pot and are going nowhere fast! I know he smokes pot and cigs and I'm at a loss as to what to do with him

 

I saw on the Dr. Phil show about siblings being so different that some need to find thier identity even if it isn't a good one. His older brother breezed through HS in honors classes and is in college now studying computer engineering. His younger brother while not as good a student as the oldest  one, has done better then him and excels in sports. I was a middle child so I can sympathize (sp) but I was never like this!

 
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