Topic : Good Parenting

The reason he is to move out right after graduation: he has decided not to go to school, and is not making any real attempt to get a job.  He knows that if he gets a job before graduation, he can live with us through the summer to save and get a place to live.  With his complete lack of responsiblity, we feel concerned that he is planning on using us so he can remain lazy.  Not mentioned in my original question is that he has become intolerable to live with- toxic, mean, rude, selfish, hurtful and insulting to us (parents) because we are disabled he calls us worthless.  We knew he has been using pot, but today found out he is out a lot of money from buying it.  He recently visited his dying grandmother and ignored her and was rude to everyone there.  His music is death metal/satanic to our christian family, and his Only activity is video games.  Throughout the last few years we have tried to take away the videos and music with no success - he would become dangerously aggressive.  We had him in the hospital with no success. We went to 1-1/2 years outpatient counseling after which the counselor said she had done all she could with him due to his manipulation and lack of respsonsiblity, and could treat him no more.  Every time I ask a question about him to a message board, I'm told it's our fault that he is such a problem and when I believe that, the guilt consumes me.  There is really something internally wrong with him.  His sister is currently in college studying physics, lives on her own, and works two jobs and both children were raised exactly the same.  About the grad party:  I'm concerned that he will be rude and selfish in front of close family members, and I would probably more embarrassed than he,  considering his behavior is all my fault.  I'd like to let him stay another week after graduation, but I don't even know if I can make it until then.  His attitude is literally making mine and my husband's illnesses worse. Today, he missed the bus and as usual,  it was the busdriver's fault, not his.   Thank you for your thoughful comments - you seem to understand more than most.  I appreciate your information.      

I still have to ask...what are your goals for your son by kicking him out??  He will end up on the streets, into drugs and who knows what else...

 

What he needs is an intervention...get some of your other family members involved.  Check him into a drug treatment center...get him some psychiatric help...if he has a psychiatric problem, the doc will evaluate him for meds...I have bipolar disorder...my meds make ALL of the difference for me...

 

Obviously, your son needs to learn responsibility, but if he is into drugs, he will just get worse on the streets...

Some of the information you provided has been very helpful.  Now I'd like to propose a new solution for his future....but must take into consideration that he came home completely wasted last night and passed out (admits pot/denies alcohol-but I smelled it).   It's important to know that we do love him unconditionally.  That's why we're trying so hard to do what will be best for him and his life.   What if we....... 

  ** Insist he go for CD treatment, inpatient if possible.  While there, also have him diagnosed for any possible mental illness (I have bipolar).  Let him stay at home while he is in treatment and longer based on his behavior and needs.  Remove all the demonic CD's and remove all video games from his room.  I've already helped him apply to 3 vo-tech's, scholarships, done FAFSA, etc - but will do all again if he will just visit the schools and keep an open mind.

 Every ounce of our help and assistance will be given as long as he stays 'clean'. ---

.......BUT.........           He will not cooperate with any treatment, we've tried inpt and outpt.

                                    He will not agree to anything if we remove his CD's or games.

                                    He will continue to see the same druggie friends unless we tie him down,

                                         even though that is an issue that will be discussed at CD treatment.

                                   What do we do if he tests posative for anything? We use home drug tests (to surprise).

                                   There is no guarentee that he will change his acquired toxic personality.

Please advise or offer alternatives..  Thanks Dr Phil Followers.

I think that you are definitely on the right track to get your son into treatment, and diagnose any mental illness that might be there...bipolar disorder is definitely hereditary.

 

I have bipolar disorder myself, and without meds, I would be a wreck!!  Many people with bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses, "self-medicate" with illegal drugs and alcohol...an extended in-patient treatment program might save his life...and save him from a life on the streets...

 

Hopefully, he will accept treatment.  And hopefully, he will take his meds if he is diagnosed with bipolar disorder or other mental illness...it is really common for a person with bipolar disorder to be on meds for awhile, and then when they feel better, think that they don't need the meds anymore...and end up in a mess again...

 

You are right to get rid of the demonic CDs and other bad influences in his life...

 

Vo-tech school is definitely a great idea for him...after he receives the drug/alcohol treatment, and gets treatment for his mental illness (if he is diagnosed with one).

 

I don't know what it will take to convince your son to go into treatment...that's a hard one...legally, you can't force him...he is an "adult", and has to make his own decisions...keep up the tough love...eventually, he'll thank you for it...

 

As far as positive drug tests...perhaps he shoud have a signed contract...if he tests positive, he agrees to go into treatment...

 

 

I am almost 24 old, I have 4 brothers, two of them and I live with our parents. I am the only girl and middle child, also the first to graduate in my entire family. My entire life I have never relied on my parents for support, yet they treat me like crap, like I'm a low-life. I don't do drugs, I have never ran away,  I don't steal, I don't cheat, didn't have bf's in high school. Pay for my own bills (except rent), pay for my own tuition, have had a job since 17. Completed an internship and i have also been a musician since nine years of age (out of all of my performances they only saw one, it was obligatory because I didn't have a ride). My two younger brothers and my parents always make fun of and me. They also like to make it clear that I don't do anything around the house, I'm so busy continuing my school/music/work/internships that I only spend time in my bedroom. I don't use anything except the bathroom. They even threw away all of the newspapers I had left on our family computer desk, I am interning as a journalist and I have published stories. I don't know how to describe the way I feel, although im on my own, I don't have freedom. Although I know I have accomplished alot I don't feel like it matters. An example of the things they do: the night they threw the papers away I asked my brother if he had done it and he said yeah my dad told him to do it, I told him I needed those clips he said he didnt care, he was in bed at this point and I woke him up to see if I could get them back. My mom said I overreacted and those papers weren't worth waking my brother up, I can't retrieve those newspaper clippings. Little things like that. and alot more. Three weeks later, my dad walks in the door and the first thing he tells me is 'theres one of your papers make sure you put it away, i don't want to hear you b**** about it later.' Today, I walked in after eating lunch with friends and he said (What
s up with you? Where the hell have you been?'  My dad never asks where I have been, he works two jobs so he's never home. It sounds immature, but my entire life, I have felt my only source of comfort was my friends who actually knew what I was all about. They care more about seeing my work on the front page of a newspaper than my parents. I'm not looking for a 'good job,'  Ive been pretty straight foward about how I feel and about how they treat me. Realistically, I am so in debt from college that i cant move out any time soon. I am just looking for them to stop picking on me, stop treating me like im a nobody. :(

You can't force your family to be nice to you...Even with your debt, you should find a way to move out on your own.  At age 24, it's high time that you had a life of your own.  Look for a cheap apartment, or find a roommate.  You can look on www.craigslist.org and find just about anything that you need, in your own town.  They have various housing listings, jobs, furniture, and anything else that you might need.  You could post your own ad, that you are looking for an apartment with a roommate.  I would caution you, though, to check references before you move in with somebody.  You really need to get away from this unhappy situation.  You have a choice...you don't have to stick around and be treated like that!!

 

(And learn from your own childhood how NOT to treat your own kids when the day comes.)

 

 

Becky (age 46, mom of 3 boys)

 O.k. so I'm insecure!!!.  I have 2 beautiful children a daughter aged 3yo and a son 22months.  I think they gorgeous and bright.

Yes we have tantrums and we use timeout as the primary means of discipline and don't often have to use it.  We never spank.  Occassionally I will let one of the children lie on the floor screaming if it's a case of them not getting their own way.

I hear you you're wondering what on earth the problem is.  Well what I'm wondering is am I doing it right??  DH and I have no family locally and our neighbours are always making comments like, "I never had to lock cupboards and drawers when my kids were young", "one word from me and the kids never touched something they shouldn't again", "You really should stop your children coming to your bed" etc etc

The playgroup say we have nice polite and helpful children but the neighbours keep making comments that make me feel totally inadequate.  I don't know what to do or think.  Sure I pick my battles but I don't scream at my kids like the neighbours or spank them.  Their kids by the way are significantly older than ours

Thanks

You're doing a great job!!  We had cupboard locks on all of our cupboards and drawers that contained anything potentially dangerous to our kids.  And we put the breakable knick knacks out of reach.  Spanking isn't necessary to raise well-behaved kids.  There is nothing wrong with having kids in your bed, if you don't mind them being there.

 

Everybody thinks they're an "expert" when it comes to giving advice on parenting...just ignore them.  Their kids are probably not perfect...no child is perfect!! 

 

Temper tantrums are par for the course...leaving them on the floor screaming, and not giving in to them is a good way to break the habit.  If the noise is bothering you, make them go to their rooms to do the screaming.

 

As your kids get older, you will have to adjust their discipline according to age...but if our boys, ages 10 and 14, fight, they still get time-outs at opposite ends of the house...staying there until they think they can get along.  Our oldest son is 19, and he is away at culinary school.

 

As kids get older, rewards for good behavior go a long way...our kids get rewarded with time to play computer games after doing their homework and chores for the day.  Immediate rewards work best, but long-term rewards can be used for long-term goals.

 

Your kids are young...your adventures are just beginning...being a parent is sometimes scary...have some confidence in yourself...it might be helpful to read some parenting books, if you are feeling less than confident...you'll probably be surprised at how much you are already doing right!!

 

Becky

 

   I am married with three children, two girls ages 18 & 16 and one boy age14. My family recently moved from NJ to TN for no reason except to make our lives better. My oldest daughter lived with us for about 2 months and was depressed because of a boyfriend she left behind. She moved back to NJ with my mother and started college there. She is still with the same boyfriend that my husband and I do not care for. The problem that I am having now is that my middle daughter wants to move back to NJ because she hates it in TN. She had a difficult time and dislikes her high school but she does have some friends. She talks to her friends in NJ all the time. She wants to move back with my mother and finish her last two years of high school there. She refuses to get a job here in TN or go back to the high school.  She just recently got her license to drive and has her own car that my husband wants to take away if she doesn't get a job. I am not ready to let her move so far away, its hard enough to let one daughter go. I also do not think it is fair for my mother to have to raise my two children. I am so depressed! I love it here in TN and do not want to move back but I can't stand the stress that my daughters are putting on me. I am taking my upset feeling and putting them on my husband and son. Do I let her move back to NJ or make her stay here. I do not want her to hate me and regret her life here. Please help me make this decision.

ok so names kathy an im 20 years old, i want to become a marine, im suppose to go talk to a sargent next week, an hes gonna help me get physically fit before going to bootcamp, i havent signed anything yet cause i have to loose the weight before i can sign on, yes you have to be a certin weight that matches how tall you are to sign up, well like i said i plan on going in, my mom knows an shes not happy bout it ubut i know my dad would so be pissed at me an not talk to me, its a choice i want to do an to serve for my country because i am not haqppy with the work i do now, i work in a hospital an i just feel i could serve my country better. any ideas on how to break it to my father? i dont want to lose him but im afraid i will if i join

 

-kathy