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Topic : Good Parenting

Number of Replies: 277
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:45:41 pm
Author : dataimport
Being a good parent means more than just changing diapers and wiping noses. Share with us your strategies and stories of great parenting.

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December 31, 2005, 9:48 pm CST

temper tantum

I have a 4yrs old  daughter that just pick up the habit of crying everytime espeacially when we are at the store. She start once we are out of the door & for all the unnecessay reasons you can think of and the more I say be quite the more she cries.  

I have sent her for time out, threnthen to send her to my sister in another country, spank her in the store bathroom but nothing seems to work. 

I have had to shout at her several times & it seriously affecting my feeling towards her. 

Even my husband who hardly ever raise his voice has hard to shout at her more than twice in the past few days 

It all  started about a month ago when our family friend started droping their daughter who is 3yrs over at our place, the girl shout & scream alot, and will cry for everything or anything she want and her parent does not disciple her at all. For now I cannot stop them from bring this girl bcos we can to this state through this family but I'll really like to have solution on how to prevent my kids from copying her bad habit. 

I have a 2yrs old boy who does everything the sister does and I am so scared that my boy might start the same thing soon. 

  

  

Pls let me have yr advice on how well to handle the situation 

  

Thank you 

 
January 3, 2006, 9:45 am CST

Good Parenting

Quote From: jennife72

well that is the case with me and my son  

i am a single parent and it is just me and my son in the home 

i think it will changed once me and my fiance get married in the fall of next year and purchase a house  

he has no respect for me at times  

he will talk back and when i tell him something it is like i have not said a word 

what do you think? 

will that make it change? 

we have been together for almost 3 yrs and he does not live with us  

but i think it will change when we all are under the same roof 

 my fiance even thinks that  

  

let me know 

  

While having a male role model should help, I don't think simply moving in together and changing your last name will fix the problem. First et me ask, have you and your fiance talked about how you are going to parent your son? You both NEED to be on the same page so that you can be consistant, otherwise he'll learn some behaviors are ok and times when one or the other parent isn't present. Second of all, talking back: Have you tried time out? If you have, have you been doing it correctly? Here are a get guidlines.  

  

1) Time out should be short. There are two variations of this a) 1 minute for every year old they are or b) 2 minutes plus 3 seconds for each year. Either way a time out shouldn't be 1/2 an hour.  

  

2) Time out should be in boring place. "Go to your room!" is a really bad way to send a kid to time out, there's plenty of stuff in a kids room to find ammusment with. The point of time out is to remove anny reiforcement. So, find a place that is out of reach from anything and is facing a wall. Place a chair or mat there and designate this place for time out.  

  

3) Time out doesn't start until the child quietly sitting. If they get up or talk, time out starts over. If they get up you may need to physically place them back on the chair. But you need to stick to it! 

  

4) Do not talk to the child while they are in time out. That doesn't mean don't talk to them at all if you need to tel them to go back to the chair when they get up, or if you need to tell them to you have restarted time out. But, don't carry on a conversation.  

  

5) After the time is up, tell the child why they got a time out, that the behavior is not ok, tell them to say they are sorry. Only then shoud you hug them.  

  

If you follow these rules, and really stick to it, there is no reason your son should talk back to you anymore.  

 
January 3, 2006, 9:57 am CST

Good Parenting

Quote From: hestin

 

     Today I had a 7 year old girl over for a play date with my 6 year old daughter. They are classmates and have been friends for two years. Today was only the third time this girl was over to our house and my daughter has never been to her house. As I was walking past my daughters room I heard my daughter say “OK but let’s do it quick before my mom catches us.” I opened the door and they both had their pants pulled down with their bottoms in the air. When they saw me the dropped to the floor and sheepishly wiggled back into their pants.

  

 

     After questioning them it seems they were playing “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine”. The friend told my daughter that if she did not do it she would not be her friend anymore so my daughter did it even though she knew she shouldn’t. So it seems I have two problems.

  

 

     One is that after extensive research, I cannot find anything that tells a parent what to say to your child about this. It seems we should say something and there are plenty of things NOT to say to avoid the “shameful, self-conscious feelings about natural and healthy interest in their bodies”. Yet it needs to not happen again. We have already had the privacy talks but how far should one go in explaining the why’s without confusing the child or putting ideas in their heads?

  

 

     The second problem I seem to have is my daughter’s desperate attempt at keeping a friend. Why would she do something she knows is not right to keep a friend and how can I improve her self esteem?

  

 

     Hopefully there will be some answers for me here.

  

 

  

 

Your daughter is right around the age where kids really start "exploring" themselves. That being said, this type of behavior is pretty normal. Now, that's not to say that it should continue. But I think we should assume that this was pretty innocent, which makes it a good time to talk about it. You said you've had the privacy talk... what did you talk about (i.e. why your private parts are called just that). I don't think you have anything to worry about regarding this incident, but do talk to her she's getting old enough to heat the truth about her body and it's probably best she hear it from mom over some kid at school.  

 
January 3, 2006, 10:10 am CST

Good Parenting

Quote From: motherfry

I 'm a mother of 4 children. I have two sons 21. I have 2 daughters 19 and 20.  My daughter 20 had been engaged for 2 years now. We are planning a Oct. wedding. My daughter 19 recently got an engagement ring with plans to finish college  first thinking of a date in 2009. My son came home from the Army and ask his girlfreind to marry him . Of course she said yes. They now want to get married in a few years. Here is my problem. I'm a single mother on a fixed income. I have been planning my oldest daughter wedding and slowly paying ahead. Wanting to be fair to everyone. How do I decide how to pay for who's next. My daughter beleives that my son should wait his turn in line if he wants mom to pay for it. My son thinks since he is the oldest I should pay / plan his first. I feel really torn right now. I want to be fair. I want them both to have the most exciting day of their lives to be the best. Their father is still in the picture however he is totally disabled from an accident and is living on a tight budget also.,  Please someone anyone give me some advise to help clear my head...

Traditionally, it is the family of the bride who is supposed to pay for most of the wedding expenses. Given that, why is your son looking for you to pay for his wedding? Is the family of your son's fiance able to pay for a wedding? You said you were a single parent, so I must ask where their father is in this picture. Furthermore, I think you children might need to face the reality of the situation... two (three) of are getting married, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY (I am planning a wedding of my own right now). This means they might not get their dream wedding, that means they might just have to cut some corners, it means they might have to pay for some/most of it themselves. As far as who's get's paif for in what order (don't tell them!) but who is getting married first? Clearly when they get married will dictate when the money is due. It might not be "fair" but I'm not hotels, DJ, and photographer don't care about what's "Fair," they just want their money.  

 
January 4, 2006, 9:43 am CST

Dealing With Immature Stepchildren

If there is anyone else out there dealing with a similar problem, I'd appreciate their perspectives. Although "technically" the "Step Mom," I've been the primary mother of my two stepchildren (12 and 9) for over a year now. Their biological mother parented with "benign neglect" their entire lives, and they have made great strides since coming under my influence and that of my extended family. Unfortunately, the Florida family courts require this "joint custody" type of arrangements, so like it or not (which the kids don't), they have to be shuttled up to their biological mother to spend at least 3 days a week in her home. The neglect is still there, and last night, she almost left the 9 year old girl home alone, to take the 12 year old with her to pick the oldest kid up from an airport a good 30 minutes away. If I hadn't overheard her in the background while talking to my stepdaughter, asking my stepson to go with her, I would not have been able to alert my husband so he could stop her. The worst part about the visitation, is their regressed behavior when they return to us. The 9 year old is back to sucking her thumb and whining, and the 12 year old is back to bouncing off the walls, misplacing everything he owns and crying needlessly over silly fights with his sister. I have the 9 year old in counseling with a school psychologist, to help her deal with her understandable hatred of her mother. I may have to end it at the request of the child, since she tells me she is tired of the counselor asking her "how she thinks her mother would feel....etc." The bottom line is that this woman knows full well that her children want very little to do with her, yet does very little in response to change that, while they are in her home. Her attitude is basically "If they don't like it, tough. They're just kids and kids aren't supposed to be happy." 

  

The kids have been begging me to let them go before a judge so they can tell him or her that they don't want any visitation with their mother (it's not that easy). They've also been begging me to send them up north to live with my parents, who they hardly know. Although they have both maternal and paternal grandmothers in the same area, it's my parents they'd rather live with, since their home does present the best all-around benefits for them. We're trying to work out the logistics involved with possibly relocating up north, but in the meantime, the problems are still there. 

  

I was lucky in that my two older children grew up without problems. They were emotionally well-adjusted, did well academically, and did not involve themselves with drugs or a bad crowd. I was a single parent. With my step children, I feel like I've entered the picture a day late and a dollar short, as they've got problems (all stemming from their biological mother) that I'm just not used to dealing with. I've tried everything I can think of to remedy the worst of the issues, thus far to no avail. This is why I'd appreciate input from other parents. 

  

My 12 year old stepson has the most issues, and I fear that if left undiagnosed and untreated, he will not grow up to be a functional adult. Since I am not a professional, I cannot state whether his "hyperactive" behavior stems from a disorder such as AD/HD or deep-seated emotional problems. This boy is often "checked out" of reality, in his own little world. He's constantly moving some part of his body, often times without realizing it. For example, he'll make this snake-like motion with his arms together, and accompany it with this "wah-wah-wah" noise, and continue to hum or sing to himself "out loud." When he speaks, he does so way too loudly, and even his teachers have told him he talks too loud (the mother is loud). He is unable to clearly relate a story, such as telling us what happened in school that day. Instead, he goes off on tangents, and ends up confusing himself (and us) to the point of not even remembering what he was talking about. He is horribly disorganized, and loses every pen and pencil he has in his backpack. He has to borrow from classmates, and has even let his spiral notebook run out of loose-leaf paper without telling us (forget telling his mother - if it involves her having to spend money to buy or replace school supplies, she won't do it). One of his biggest problems, both at home and in school, is his failure to follow directions. Instead, he impulsively charges off to do things "his way," and cries when it ends up being the wrong way. 

  

I do not feel comfortable letting this boy out of my sight at a shopping mall, or even sending him across the way to Walgreens to by a newspaper. He still watches cartoons, and loses everything purchased for him, from cell phones to footballs to sports caps. Recently, he lost over $100 in cash given to him by his grandmother. I repeatly warned him to put the money in a safe place or give it to his father for safe keeping before he lost it, but he said he wouldn't lose it....and he did. For him, the biggest problem is his peers. He is made fun of in school, and the few friends he does have, seem to only want to associate with him in school. During the Christmas break he tried making plans with a number of boys and one girl, and they all "blew him off." I can honestly say that I can't blame them, since they are maturing and he is not. Twelve year old kids who are maturing normally are starting to think and act like teenagers. They don't want to hang around 12 year olds who still watch cartoons and pretend they are "super heroes." 

  

I would like to see this boy evaluated and treated by a child psychiatrist, but this is not feasible at the present time. The biological mother is absolutely no help at all, so telling her that her son has emotional problems that need to be dealt with is not an option. It's fine with her that I'm the one who spends my money on school supplies, clothing, etc. Less for her to "have to be bothered with." 

  

Part of me feels I should be honest with him, and tell him that I feel that the reason his so-called "friends" are blowing him off, is because he is immature and acts more like a 10 year old than a 13 year old. He already knows I think he is immature, because I've told him so in anger. I think that even a "tough love" approach is better than ignoring a problem that isn't likely to just "go away" on its own. This boy reminds me of a cousin of mine, now 42, who is an absolute mess. Had this man gotten the psychiatric help he needed when he was younger, things would have likely turned out differently. I do not want my stepson to turn out anything like my cousin. 

  

Do any of you feel he will just "out grow" his immaturity ? What about peer interaction in the meantime ? I don't even think there are fifth grade boys in his mothers' neighborhood he could hang out with, since the kids in this area don't just "hang out" without making "play date" plans. 

  

Thanks in advance for any input. 

  

  

At 12 years old, my own son was able to do all that and cook dinner for me on nights I was working late.  

 
January 9, 2006, 5:53 am CST

walking the line...

Quote From: tkebobby

Traditionally, it is the family of the bride who is supposed to pay for most of the wedding expenses. Given that, why is your son looking for you to pay for his wedding? Is the family of your son's fiance able to pay for a wedding? You said you were a single parent, so I must ask where their father is in this picture. Furthermore, I think you children might need to face the reality of the situation... two (three) of are getting married, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY (I am planning a wedding of my own right now). This means they might not get their dream wedding, that means they might just have to cut some corners, it means they might have to pay for some/most of it themselves. As far as who's get's paif for in what order (don't tell them!) but who is getting married first? Clearly when they get married will dictate when the money is due. It might not be "fair" but I'm not hotels, DJ, and photographer don't care about what's "Fair," they just want their money.  

As the mother of the brides I have gotten books to find where my place is. I know what I need to pay for. What to get involved in and what not to. The young lady my son is engage to live with her grandparents with her father and two other sibs. Her mother is on public assistance. So to expect them to be able to pay for a wedding is not likely. My son is in the Army  and all the wedding plans will be made by her. Don't get me worng I will help pay for  a wedding for my son However for the young lady to have the attitude " It is the brides parents who are responsible for the wedding so we will plan the wedding when we want." This is totally wrong. I know that I will have to help with the wedding and I need time to save for his wedding. I spoke tomy son and TRIED to get him to unsderstand that yes they might have good intentions however reality is they will not be able to afford it. I want my son to have a wedding as equal as his sisters. 

         The father of the children is still in the picture However  he is totally disabled from a terrible accident and lives on a fix income. He will help as he can but there is not much he can do. I don't not hold that against him . I treat him as a equal in the wedding planing and ect. He is a good man just not able to had out cash... 

            I just pray that it all workd out and that  my children will come to some peace about all this and wait their turn to get married. 

 
January 14, 2006, 4:42 pm CST

Need advice please

Ok here is the story... my husband of 13 years works a full time job 8 to 5. I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids.. 3, 5 and 7. I do everything here. I take care of the kids, clean the house and every single day by the way. I  take out the trash,take care of the yard, cook dinner, do the laundry, take care of our 4 dogs, 3 cats and bird and anything else that needs to be done, My husband just sits on the couch until dinner or bed time. Tonight my 5 year old asked me why doesn't daddy ever help me? I said why don't you go ask your daddy. Well his daddy said he doesn't help because he has a job and has to work! I told him I know it's just because he is lazy! His dad does the same to his wife too! He said that's his answer and if I don't want to hear that again then don't send the kids to him with that question. We got into a fight just a few weeks ago for the smae thing. Telling the kids he doesn't have to do anything at home because he works. Oh and I forgot to metion that he will start working from home next week. So he won't even have to leave the house like so many others have to do. What do you think about thiis? Is it right? I just don't want my kids to grow up and do the same thing to their spouse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
January 14, 2006, 8:53 pm CST

Good Parenting

Quote From: bonita_14

Ok here is the story... my husband of 13 years works a full time job 8 to 5. I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids.. 3, 5 and 7. I do everything here. I take care of the kids, clean the house and every single day by the way. I  take out the trash,take care of the yard, cook dinner, do the laundry, take care of our 4 dogs, 3 cats and bird and anything else that needs to be done, My husband just sits on the couch until dinner or bed time. Tonight my 5 year old asked me why doesn't daddy ever help me? I said why don't you go ask your daddy. Well his daddy said he doesn't help because he has a job and has to work! I told him I know it's just because he is lazy! His dad does the same to his wife too! He said that's his answer and if I don't want to hear that again then don't send the kids to him with that question. We got into a fight just a few weeks ago for the smae thing. Telling the kids he doesn't have to do anything at home because he works. Oh and I forgot to metion that he will start working from home next week. So he won't even have to leave the house like so many others have to do. What do you think about thiis? Is it right? I just don't want my kids to grow up and do the same thing to their spouse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
when you and him are alone together, try talking to him about this and if you get the same response as usual which you probably will, just tell him, that you are only one person and you are going to make a list of everything that needs to be done and as you get them done you are going to cross them out, make sure that he knows that things will be prioritized from imporant to not imporant, and other then taking care of the kids, your shift is from 8-5 and what ever does not get done will be put off til the next day or when you can get to it.......Make sure that you have prepared meals already in the freezer (I freeze all left overs), or make it a priority to cook the meal a head of time, before 5. And anything that you do not get done, otehr then taking care of the kids, leave it, do not touch it. and when he asks for something, maybe a clean shirt, or whatever, remind him that your shift is over....No, he may not like it but maybe if you atick to it, he will get the hint. maybe after a couple weeks or so, you can try talking to him again but don't be manipulated. parenting and taking care of a home is 24/7 and if he isn't willing to pitch in some then, make things easier on your self........Though my hubby is good with our kids and all, there has been times when I have had to remind him that he is a part of this family as well and since it took two of us to make these babies, it is going to take two of us to take care of them, I do not hesitate to let my hubby know that I am going out for a bit, sometimes I got o the store, sometimes out with a friend, what ever, I make sure that the kids are well taken care of, And I say " I am going out for a bit, you need to take care of the girls" and I am out the door. Luckily this works for me, he doesn't mind, but you need to make sure that you are getting a break and time to your self and if he complains then get some one to come over and watch the kids for an hour or so and leave. ANd when he says something, just remind him that he doesn't feel that he has to help so you took it on your self to not bother him. Remember, we teach people how to treat us and even if he doesn't change, at least he will know that you are not happy with him and you are not going to let him manipulte you.........As far as your kids go, you can teach them to love and respect others and remind them that there is only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week and that a marriage is about two people loving and caring for each other that they will eventually have to decide onhow they are going to treat their spouse, I think if you do some of these things that I suggested and I am sure you will get more suggestions, your kids will see that and learn from that as well. Actions speak louder then words.
 
January 31, 2006, 1:47 pm CST

Don't drag the kids into it

Quote From: bonita_14

Ok here is the story... my husband of 13 years works a full time job 8 to 5. I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids.. 3, 5 and 7. I do everything here. I take care of the kids, clean the house and every single day by the way. I  take out the trash,take care of the yard, cook dinner, do the laundry, take care of our 4 dogs, 3 cats and bird and anything else that needs to be done, My husband just sits on the couch until dinner or bed time. Tonight my 5 year old asked me why doesn't daddy ever help me? I said why don't you go ask your daddy. Well his daddy said he doesn't help because he has a job and has to work! I told him I know it's just because he is lazy! His dad does the same to his wife too! He said that's his answer and if I don't want to hear that again then don't send the kids to him with that question. We got into a fight just a few weeks ago for the smae thing. Telling the kids he doesn't have to do anything at home because he works. Oh and I forgot to metion that he will start working from home next week. So he won't even have to leave the house like so many others have to do. What do you think about thiis? Is it right? I just don't want my kids to grow up and do the same thing to their spouse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 Whatever you do to deal with this ... and I agree totally that you need to change things ... just be careful that it doesn't come between the kids and their dad. Remember, he is only doing what he has been taught all his life (not saying he can't change & he should). My sister does that thing where she sends the kids to ask their dad leading questions. All it does is undermine their relationship with their dad, and gives them the feeling that they have caused the argument that follows.

If your son is asking why his dad doesn't help, that shows that he knows this is something that bugs you. He's heard the arguments or whatever. Kids will just accept it as 'the way things are' otherwise. Maybe your husband's mother never complained about it, so he grew up thinking it was normal and fine? Hopefully, your son will grow up saying "I don't want my wife to feel that way".

I think that jettav's idea of knocking off at 5 and putting your feet up is a good one. You might need to take a 2 hr lunch and finish later to get the littlest one into bed without chaos, but definitely make the point that you will only do 8 hrs of work and anything left over doesn't get done. Just like a business, if there is too much work for one person, your husband might have to hire you an assistant LOL. Don't forget to take your day off, too. If it doesn't work & he insists it's 'women's work', I'd just focus on training the kids to help out. At least you'll change the next generation.
 
February 2, 2006, 5:45 pm CST

What should I do?

Hi everyone
I would appreciate your advice on this matter. I have a child who has made a friend at school. My son has been talking about this other child a lot and asking if he can go over to his house to play after school etc. I have some reservations about letting my son go to this child's house to play as I don't know the parents that well. From what I have witnessed (briefly at the schoolgate etc) of this child's mother she doesn't seem very responsible or caring and I worry a bit about how well she will supervise/care for my child whilst he is at their house. I know that my child's safety and wellbeing takes priority so I would refuse to let him visit if I felt it was unsafe, but on the other hand I think maybe I could be being too cautious or judgemental about this child and his mother and possibly I havent given them a fair chance? What do you think? I don't want my unfounded fears/judgementalness to ruin my child's friendships with other kids.
On the other hand, if I decided that it was best to not allow my child to visit, how could i handle this without seeming rude/offensive to the other child and his family? 

Eagerly awaiting your friendly advice :)
 

 
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