If there is anyone else out there dealing with a similar problem, I'd appreciate their perspectives. Although "technically" the "Step Mom," I've been the primary mother of my two stepchildren (12 and 9) for over a year now. Their biological mother parented with "benign neglect" their entire lives, and they have made great strides since coming under my influence and that of my extended family. Unfortunately, the Florida family courts require this "joint custody" type of arrangements, so like it or not (which the kids don't), they have to be shuttled up to their biological mother to spend at least 3 days a week in her home. The neglect is still there, and last night, she almost left the 9 year old girl home alone, to take the 12 year old with her to pick the oldest kid up from an airport a good 30 minutes away. If I hadn't overheard her in the background while talking to my stepdaughter, asking my stepson to go with her, I would not have been able to alert my husband so he could stop her. The worst part about the visitation, is their regressed behavior when they return to us. The 9 year old is back to sucking her thumb and whining, and the 12 year old is back to bouncing off the walls, misplacing everything he owns and crying needlessly over silly fights with his sister. I have the 9 year old in counseling with a school psychologist, to help her deal with her understandable hatred of her mother. I may have to end it at the request of the child, since she tells me she is tired of the counselor asking her "how she thinks her mother would feel....etc." The bottom line is that this woman knows full well that her children want very little to do with her, yet does very little in response to change that, while they are in her home. Her attitude is basically "If they don't like it, tough. They're just kids and kids aren't supposed to be happy."
The kids have been begging me to let them go before a judge so they can tell him or her that they don't want any visitation with their mother (it's not that easy). They've also been begging me to send them up north to live with my parents, who they hardly know. Although they have both maternal and paternal grandmothers in the same area, it's my parents they'd rather live with, since their home does present the best all-around benefits for them. We're trying to work out the logistics involved with possibly relocating up north, but in the meantime, the problems are still there.
I was lucky in that my two older children grew up without problems. They were emotionally well-adjusted, did well academically, and did not involve themselves with drugs or a bad crowd. I was a single parent. With my step children, I feel like I've entered the picture a day late and a dollar short, as they've got problems (all stemming from their biological mother) that I'm just not used to dealing with. I've tried everything I can think of to remedy the worst of the issues, thus far to no avail. This is why I'd appreciate input from other parents.
My 12 year old stepson has the most issues, and I fear that if left undiagnosed and untreated, he will not grow up to be a functional adult. Since I am not a professional, I cannot state whether his "hyperactive" behavior stems from a disorder such as AD/HD or deep-seated emotional problems. This boy is often "checked out" of reality, in his own little world. He's constantly moving some part of his body, often times without realizing it. For example, he'll make this snake-like motion with his arms together, and accompany it with this "wah-wah-wah" noise, and continue to hum or sing to himself "out loud." When he speaks, he does so way too loudly, and even his teachers have told him he talks too loud (the mother is loud). He is unable to clearly relate a story, such as telling us what happened in school that day. Instead, he goes off on tangents, and ends up confusing himself (and us) to the point of not even remembering what he was talking about. He is horribly disorganized, and loses every pen and pencil he has in his backpack. He has to borrow from classmates, and has even let his spiral notebook run out of loose-leaf paper without telling us (forget telling his mother - if it involves her having to spend money to buy or replace school supplies, she won't do it). One of his biggest problems, both at home and in school, is his failure to follow directions. Instead, he impulsively charges off to do things "his way," and cries when it ends up being the wrong way.
I do not feel comfortable letting this boy out of my sight at a shopping mall, or even sending him across the way to Walgreens to by a newspaper. He still watches cartoons, and loses everything purchased for him, from cell phones to footballs to sports caps. Recently, he lost over $100 in cash given to him by his grandmother. I repeatly warned him to put the money in a safe place or give it to his father for safe keeping before he lost it, but he said he wouldn't lose it....and he did. For him, the biggest problem is his peers. He is made fun of in school, and the few friends he does have, seem to only want to associate with him in school. During the Christmas break he tried making plans with a number of boys and one girl, and they all "blew him off." I can honestly say that I can't blame them, since they are maturing and he is not. Twelve year old kids who are maturing normally are starting to think and act like teenagers. They don't want to hang around 12 year olds who still watch cartoons and pretend they are "super heroes."
I would like to see this boy evaluated and treated by a child psychiatrist, but this is not feasible at the present time. The biological mother is absolutely no help at all, so telling her that her son has emotional problems that need to be dealt with is not an option. It's fine with her that I'm the one who spends my money on school supplies, clothing, etc. Less for her to "have to be bothered with."
Part of me feels I should be honest with him, and tell him that I feel that the reason his so-called "friends" are blowing him off, is because he is immature and acts more like a 10 year old than a 13 year old. He already knows I think he is immature, because I've told him so in anger. I think that even a "tough love" approach is better than ignoring a problem that isn't likely to just "go away" on its own. This boy reminds me of a cousin of mine, now 42, who is an absolute mess. Had this man gotten the psychiatric help he needed when he was younger, things would have likely turned out differently. I do not want my stepson to turn out anything like my cousin.
Do any of you feel he will just "out grow" his immaturity ? What about peer interaction in the meantime ? I don't even think there are fifth grade boys in his mothers' neighborhood he could hang out with, since the kids in this area don't just "hang out" without making "play date" plans.
Thanks in advance for any input.
At 12 years old, my own son was able to do all that and cook dinner for me on nights I was working late.
