Topic : Good Parenting

Hi, 

Yes i wanted to give you some advice, you may be wondering how on earth a 15 year old girl could give you advice for her daughter. I just wanted to say that in my experence my mom didnt want to keep me from my dad, and i love my dad and he loves me. But the thing is my cousin was in the exact same situation as your daughter is. Im not asking for information but you have to realize that your daughter is just 8, and to tell her that her father is in jail, and depending on what may make her think that her father is a bad person, and since you said that you dont bad mouth her father.. even though you are telling her the truth you rreally don't need to tell her. If she asks why her father isn't calling her then you need to explian to her that he loves  you but is unable to call you right now. but i do think when she gets older you do have to tell her. also i dont know what type of person this guy is, so if hes the type to be a jerk id say you have to let her see him because if she finds out that hes a jerk then she wont want anything todo with him. yes it eill be hard if he hurts her, but if you dont let her see her dad she will blame you.. with your help if hes mean, she'll get through it... Let me tell you that shell go through alot, and i know you know that too.. But with this you will be there for her.. help her through it dont hide it from her.. 

hey do u think you could give me some advice too? 

I really have to say thank you to the advice and i will deffently use it. I'm just pretty much scared that it won't matter, well what we say. The thing is that with my mom she doesnt exsept our appolgies, but we can NEVER be mad at her. I really want to have a good life and actully be a kid, and i've tried colsling with my mom and it doesnt work because she just says stuff like if you bring this up ill groiung you so since it was doing nothing for me i just stopped going because we didnt resalve our issues. I kind of want to go to one of thoughs things like Alateen but i kow my mom wouldnt let me. The thing is im really n ot so much conserned with my realtionship with my mom im conserned about my sister and m y mom... i mean i do fight w. my mom but not as much as my sister and my mom do, and to me i guess i just never put myself first, i feel that my sister's life in a way is more important than mine. i know thats wrong but thats how i am. i dont know how to change that.. Basically i just want my mom to love me and my sister and stop telling me and my sister that we dont love her. and i hate the fact that my stepdad is taking my moms side and is mad at me, when i wasnt even in this aggument.. i talked to my stepdad 2 tiimes today and he didnt even say i love you back to me.. thats the one thing i hate the thing that makes me cry.. and they do it to hurt me.. Id that wrong? 

Okay, you indeed have good points let me just "explian" myself alittle bit. 

I understand that it is not exactly the healthiest for me to live with my mother, but what you must know is that my sitiotion with my father is that he drinks, alot. My mom does too but I have my stepdad. My life at my mom's house is extremely structured, and my mom and stepdad don't smoke, and my dad and his girlfriend both smoke. Also my life at my mom's house is extremly structured, at my dad's house there really are no rules.. So i know that i do ned rules and i really don;t want to be around the smoke... 

I do understand that my mom is wrong for blaming me for what she gave up in her lifeand ext. and i also do know that she has no right to tell me how i feel. I do leave her little notes, and at that moment it does help but right when we get into a fight it's like she forgets everything good and remebers everything bad..  

Now the thing with the consoling is that my mom does not belive that it works and that means that it won't work for any part of us. But I willtalk to my school consoler, and i will try to put myself first at times, and i will do the mirror thing and i will tell my sister todo the same.. 

But i do have one question.. Will my mom make my sister leave? 

Thanks for the advice.. i will try my best to follow it.. Thanks 

My 5 1/2 year old wants to do more like when we go to the park, like running off to play. He has proved to be trustworthy and I feel he is ready to have more freedom, but I also want to be there to protect him. I want to help him grow up safely, experience some freedom and become the great person I know he will be. How can I be a better dad and give him some room? 

He has a 3 year old brother that wants to do everything he does and I know he isn't ready to be allowed to "run and play" without us near by and he will have to learn his brother will get to do things before he does. Because of that, I think  my wife has an even harder time letting the big brother go for she doesn't want the fight with the little brother. 

I guess my overall question is how do I let my sons grow up and and at what ages/stages should they be allowed to do more? I don't feel comfortable with either boy running around outside by themselves, but there has to be a point where I can to let go and let them grow. 

What children need vs their wants confuses many parents.  With a good balance of meeting children's needs and some of their wants, most children grow to be caring, successful adults.  To begin with children need a positive atmosphere in the home that is filled with love and security.  Love means meeting their needs,  not giving them everything they ask for in life.  Children need hugging, positive affirmation when things are done right, kissed, a safe environment, positive role models, interaction with other children, time for work, play and sleep as well as nutritious meals.  They don't need yelling, screaming, hitting, belittling, abuse, fearful atmospheres, lazy parents, angry parents, non-patient parents, junk food, and parents who have no clue of children's needs or wants.  If you plan to become a parent, read books on how to rear children (and there are many good books out there) so you will get an idea of your children's needs vs wants.  You will make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up, instead learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.   

To begin, make your spouse the most important person in your life, second only to God.  Create a picture with your spouse in the center and you fill in the background with the things you can do to make them happy and more in love with you each day.  Spend time together each day and discuss any and every little thing that will bring you closer together.  Take ALL THE NEGATIVE OUT and leave it in the garbage before you see each other each afternoon.  Do little things that  help one another and reward each other with special things (This can be notes, flowers, do a particular favor, helping, etc.).  Create that loving atmosphere and let no one or nothing steal it away.  Set goals and reach them, even if it takes longer than you expected.  The best gift you can give a child is loving parents and a loving atmosphere.   

When you bring children into the world, make them the second most important person you know, keeping your spouse as the most important.  Children need hugging and kissing as well as comforting.  Times come when you get too little sleep or have days when you can't manage the baby and home and/or work.  This is the time that special things come in handy to help relieve tense times.  Baby comes before  house when they are newborns.  Allow mom to sleep when baby does during those first few weeks.  Mom, this doesn't mean iti's a time to be lazy and let hubby do it all!  During the first few months, baby will sleep a lot, so well planned days can save a lot of hassle in the afternoon and evening.  As baby grows, insure and reassure baby with love and kisses, safe and secure atmosphere.  If baby grows tense with too many people making a fuss over it, ask others to understand and just talk to the baby instead of holding it.  Babies grow accustom to other people and pets as they get older.  Most babies enjoy being held by others and seeing different faces, so let them as long as they are happy.  Teach them to enjoy other people by bringing other people into their lives.  Some children care only for their parents and do not socialize with others well and this can create problems as teens and adults.   

As they begin to crawl and walk, keep their environment safe.  That doesn't mean putting everything out of their reach, but the things that are dangerous and expensive things that you don't want damaged.  Teach them not to bother things by reaffirming the things they can enjoy, not by hitting them.  Keep toys nearby to distract them from the thing(s) you don't want them to bother.  Use the playpen as a special time to enjoy certain toys, not as punishment.  Do not allow them to play with their playpen toys outside of the playpen.  When they get something they shouldn't, thank them for their curiosity and guide them back to the place they got the item from and have them put it back.  Thank them for being obedient and remind them it isn't a playtoy and give them one of their toys to play with instead.  For the stubborn child, close that room off to them until they learn right behavior.   

During the years 2 and 3, their curiosity grow and many parents forget where they placed their patience.  With love and  positive reinforcement, that began when they were a baby, these years can be just as enjoyable as the previous.  Be careful to rarely use the word "no".  To young children, "no" seems like a rejection.  Instead, guide them into doing other things, using positive reinforcement for doing the right thing, instead of correction for wrong.  There may be times to use "time out" or take their favorite thing away, until the wrong behavior is corrected, but insure the child of your love and that this is a consequence of wrong behavior and not because you don't love them.   

Nutrition plays an important role in growing healthy children.  Replace sweets with fresh fruit and junk food with raw vegetables and dip.  Give them a wide variety of foods and let them decide what they like and don't like.  Never force them to eat the foods they dislike, but never replace those foods with junk food.  Along with nutrition insure they play outside daily, weather permitting.  Keep a close and watchful eye on them by going outside with them until they learn the boundaries they must keep, even in a fenced in yard.  This will take several years, but you can watch from a window every couple of minutes after age 3 1/2 , and as they reach age 4 and 5 you can expand that time gradually with right behavior.  Playing with them helps you keep healthy and young, too, as well as teaching them to interact with others.  Allow them time to play with others as well as playing alone.  Limit the time they watch television.   

Please never give a child everthing they want.  I know of a few children who had so much and special occasions were so eventful and wonderful, that they cannot re-create those events and have a miserable life.  Part of the problem came in not teaching them to be thankful and appreciate what they got.   

Children want to please their parents and will do so with proper  love and guidance.  I found these guidelines helped me to raise/teach my grandchildren.  Unfortunately, I didn't know or use these behaviors as a mom, but I'm so glad I learned them before I became a Grandmother!