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Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Number of Replies: 316
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:10 pm
Author : dataimport
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Share your advice, support and stories here.

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December 13, 2005, 8:19 am CST

Dear Bebop

Quote From: bebopbetty

Thank the dear Lord for you being able to have your two granddaughters and save them from the system. I am raising my first granddaughter (12) and denied access to her older sister (my son and two woman). We spent 28,000.00 to save Ash and she is worth it as we get the loving!  I run CANGRANDS a support group for GRG and kinship families in Canada.
I was curious after reading your story.  What did it take to adopt?....and did you talk to your daughter before you adopted?  Im in between on this and we are ready to adopt too..Just wasnt sure how to go about it...In talking with our daughter or going against her...We have had our granddaughter from birth and thought her mother would wake up..but no luck so we went and sought sole custody. After years of having custody and are daughter still doing what she does best...We thought about just adopting.  Our granddaughter already has our name as our daughter could not figure out who the daddy was.  Im always looking for some good advise as I get at wits ends at times!
 
December 26, 2005, 9:45 pm CST

Nana and Papa helping with Granddaughters

Our son at the age of 30 now has moved back home with 3 little girls, 7, 6, and soon to be 5,. He just got his divorce papaers and we are coping as well as we can. The mom only in the picture it there is no one in her life(like boyfriends) she is using the girls on the phone and telling them it's all daddy's fault they are not together now.  Everytime they visit her, they end up calling our son, crying and saying all kind of stuff to up-set everyone, because of her telling them stuff to up-set them. She left them to go into bootcamp, cause she don't want to be a mom or wife only when she wants. She got out cause she can not do it. But she never came back to her husband or her girls, she stayed with her family in another state, so my son filed for divorce, she came here for a hearing and the judge ask her did she know what she was doing giving our son 1st custody of the girls, she said yes, 3 times. Why, I do not understand the law will let a person use their kids like this I will never know.....so I am tuning it over to God to pray these little girls mom will stop using them, and go on with her on life.....Trusting in GOD!
 
December 28, 2005, 10:04 am CST

he needs you

Quote From: nanny5x5

Have you thought about trying for custody?  When we filed for custody our daughter looked at us like it was never gonna happen.  BUT!!!  The proof was right there in front of her in black and white.  By the way...putting these things (truth) on paper for the courts is not a fun thing as all involved sometimes just dont like the truth.  I want to wish you good luck and plenty of strength through your journey.  For his sake you might want to get that custody and put the shoe on the other foot.  YOUR DAUGHTER wont like you until she does realize this was truly the best...who cares!  Its in the best intrest of an innocent child!  He did not ask for the parents hes gotten!  Help him!
it seems that your grandsons need you so much. she will eventually see that they are what she needs to be living for not "good sex" or even bad sex at that. money isn't what makes everything right. she needs to be agood role model for her two children and seeing how it is obvious she is not. maybe it is time for gramma to rescue these babes. they need you now more than ever. try for custody, i am sure the judge will see that the children are not in a good situation and if only temporary custody is gained, then atleast they will have peace for that amount of time!
 
December 29, 2005, 10:59 am CST

The good and bad of Grandparent Visitation

I am a 34 year old mother of 5 who feels that my parental rights, if you call them that… are being trampled. I do not fall into the category of teen mother, drug user, child abuser, or an incarcerated parent. My children, all girls, are 6 months, 9yr old step-daughter, 10, 11, & 14 years old. I grew up in an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive home.  As an adult, I made a decision that, that legacy stops here.  I would not pass the abuse down to my children.  My children would have a happy childhood and I would do my best to see that it happened.  My mother has continued to undermine my parental rules, berate me in front of my children and condone my daughter’s lack of respect towards her elders.  I have endured years of malicious and slanderous lies about me and my parenting by my mother and sister.  She has made anonymous calls to DCFS and to this day she denies making them.  It is a shame to see the Department that is used to “protect” children condones such behavior from an adult.  

 I have been in a 14 year long fight to keep custody of my eldest daughter.  Ten years ago, her grandparents were awarded grandparent visitation and I have abided by it and even given them more than were awarded. My parents were also sued by myself and my ex-husband for the cost of our attorney fees and in 1996 they were ordered to pay the fees in excess of $9,000. (You will find a copy of the check enclosed). The toll that this type of suit takes on a family and marriage is unimaginable.  My husband at the time was falsely accused of physical and sexual abuse, all of which were unfounded. The allegations were only made on my eldest daughter’s behalf at the time she was three years old and the same goes this time around only this time she is 14. Please keep in mind that I have 3 other biological children of whom my mother & sisters has no interest.   

 Now that my ex-husband is not in the picture the allegations are being made toward me. It is the same scenario just 10 years later.  My daughter and I have a relationship that most mothers and teenage daughters have.  I have rules that should be followed and she does not think that she A) Should have rules and B) have to follow those rules.  I am very aware of who Courtney runs around with and where she is at, at all times.  With the way the world is today, I don’t think that a person can be blamed for trying to guide their children in the right direction. 

  

 

During the process of defending ourselves it drove my marriage to divorce and my ex-husband to suicide.  Last October I remarried and now my current husband and I are being slandered and put under financial hardship once again, by having to seek council to defend my guardianship. This time there are not allegations of sexual abuse just that my daughter wants to live elsewhere rather than have rules at home.  I want my child home and it seems that “legally” she doesn’t have to come home.  I will not give up guardianship or rights to my daughter.  I gave birth to her, she is not a car that you trade in when it starts acting up and that is what is being asked of me.  She has signed the petition for guardianship….she is 14 years old.  I am 34 and confused by all of this, so how on earth she to know what is is best at her age. 

Recently, my daughter has decided that she would rather go live with her biological father, of whom she has never known.  He gave her up for adoption and surrendered all rights in 1996.   

  I was under the impression that once you surrender your rights, you were not to have any contact unless the custodial parent gave consent, not the grandparent.  DCFS and Kid’s Hope United are actively involved and state that the child should return home, but also state that they cannot make her. It has been over a month and she is adamant and refuses to comply. She is a typical teenager who is currently smarter than her mother and step-father.  If it is any indication of the type of person my mother is, just ask he is a caseworker with Kids Hope United.  She knows my mother personally and asked to be removed from the case out of fear of retaliation from my mother if the case did not go her way.  She has had personal experiences with my mother and was afraid that my mom would go after her job. She told me this during a conversation that I had with her before she turned the case over to Ron.  That is why Ron from Kid’s Hope United was handed the case.  Since Ron has taken the case, they have “avoided” meeting with Ron by dodging phone calls and visits. I had sought to have counseling for Courtney and myself and that is when this all started. 

My mother and sister are only fueling the fire by encouraging her to stay away and have done so by sneaking the child to and from visits with her biological father without my consent & telling her to lie to me about it for over a year.  This is a perfect example of why grandparent’s rights should not be given. We are talking about my parents, not my in-laws.  Currently, I am being sued for guardianship of my own child and not for any good reason.  Why should I have to hire an attorney and defend my parental rights, when I am just trying to raise my children?  My mother is financially supporting the suit and has the money to do so.  Please note, that in no way do I want any part of his estate.  I simply am trying to show that my mother and sisters have the financial means to keep dragging me thru the courts. 

  

 

 I feel as a custodial and the only legal parent that I should be able to go and get her and make her come home.  I am being told that as long as she continues to refuse no one can make her return and if I do go try and make her return home, then she is placed in protective custody and DCFS and Kids Hope United is once again called.  When did our children start being able to legally decide what is best for them at such a young age?  I recently heard on the radio that our State Representatives were at odds, over if an 18 year old person is capable of making a decision that will affect the rest of his life by getting a tattoo.  However, the law is letting my 14 year old daughter decide what is in her best interest by letting her “choose” where to live.  I see something critically wrong with this picture.  Since when does getting a tattoo have more of an effect on you life than leaving home at such a young age?

  

 

  There is no abuse and this is just a typical case of a teenager who along with her grandmother, knows how to use the system and is abusing it.

  

 

 

 

This has been going on for way too long and would like some help to see that something of this nature does not happen in the future.  I can understand a child not wanting to return to an abusive or neglected home, but in this instance it is not the case.  We are a family of medium income with a good home and good moral values.  Just because I feel that my teenager should not have her belly button pierced, a cell phone, or a $100.00 purse does not mean that I am a bad parent or that my child can decide that he/she wants to live with someone who will buy it or who can afford to.  My other children are on high honor roll and excel in school. They both have 4.8 and 4.7 GPA and Courtney, my oldest did so up until grandma & aunts started deciding what was in her best interest. She excelled in school and was in Beta Club and honor roll until she started sneaking around with my mother and sister to see her biological father. That is when her grades initially started to decline. It was actually a relief to her when I found out. I did not have a problem with her wanting to know “where” she came from.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that my mother and sister made the decision as to what was best for Courtney.  That should have been my decision to make.  She is at a very impressionable age and I did not and do not feel that telling a teenager to lie to her mother is a real bright idea.  Teenager’s have enough problems opening up to their parents. So why did her grandmother tell her to lie to me.  I find that in itself disturbing behavior, from what should be a responsible adult.  If you will, note the timeline of events.  August 1st my attorney sent my mother a letter stating that she was to cease visits to her biological father or we would seek to have her grandparents rights terminated.  Less than 2 months later, my daughter was gone.  

  

 

I am a good mother and I love my children.  Raising a teenager is not easy, as I am finding out.  I do not hit my children, nor do I use the belt, but in this case I do admit to pulling my daughters hair, but only after she looked me in the eye and in front of my younger children, proceeded to call me a mother f-ing b--ch of a mother.  She has done this in the past, but never in front of my children or to my face.  What kind of example does this set for her siblings?  I also have submitted several letters of my character in my defense and can provide testimony from such individuals and others if needed.   

 

 

In closing I would like to state that when this all began, my husband, my uncle and I were told by DCFS caseworker that the allegations would be unfounded.  I was also told by DCFS in an interview at my home, that “people” in his office had heard that my daughter and I had never had a good relationship.  I suspect that those statements were a big influence in the decision that was made.  I thought that the decisions were based on the facts and not hearsay or an individual’s opinion of someone. I also do not understand how the department can “ADD” an allegation, just because they had no evidence to prove the initial claims. The only people that you will find to state that I am a bad parent would be my mother, sisters and a 14 year old who doesn’t like rules. DCFS never took the time to speak to other family members, school teachers or others on my behalf. I am sure that he is a very educated individual, but I feel that he was looking at the situation from a “teens” point of view and not a parenting one.  DCFS was at all times very polite and professional, though the statement regarding his co-workers and there opinions I found disturbing and influential. I have recently found out that  a caseworker, in the DCFS Office is REALLY good friends with my sister and brother in law who my daughter currently is staying.  She has advised them on many matters having to do with this case.  Now I see how the DCFS system works.  I requested a copy of the complaints some time ago and I have yet to receive them from the  office.  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

 
December 29, 2005, 11:05 am CST

On behalf of Shelbik.......Grandma is TOXIC

I am writing this letter on behalf of Shelbi K.  I am Shelbi’s aunt.  Shelbi’s mother and I were born to the same parents.  I say this, because, I no longer consider Mrs. S my sister.  Mrs. S and her husband have tried since the day Courtney was born to undermine Shelbi as a parent.  They once contacted me when Courtney was about 6 months old, stating that they were concerned about Courtney’s safety.  They said that they had stopped by Shelbi’s house and she was “swinging from the chandeliers, high on drugs.”  They asked that I go and check on her.  My sister  and I went to Shelbi’s to see if this were true. (I didn’t believe it for a second, but, felt that it was my duty as an aunt to be sure everything was okay.  Upon arrival, we found Shelbi in the kitchen baking cookies and Courtney was in her infant seat beside her mother.  The allegation was totally untrue.  Mrs. S and her other daughter’s have pulled various stunts such as this.  I could go on and on, but I know that you are not concerned about Mrs. S ethics, but Shelbi’s ability to parent. 

  

 

  

  


I would like to state that in all the years I have known Shelbi, she has been nothing but a caring mother.  She and the girls have been thru a lot in their lives, but she has always made sure that her girls came first.  I am around Shelbi, her husband and the girls on a weekly basis and talk with her several times a day. I was there to support her many times during the custody fight for her daughter Courtney and also during her divorce and the death of the girl’s father.  Shelbi discussed quitting her job with me and her grandmother, so she could be at home with her children during the time after their father’s death.  She did so and everything was fine until she sought employment and Courtney had more “free” time without mom around.  She was aggressive on getting the girls into counseling after the death of their father and sought to do whatever was in the girl’s best interest.  She has had the full support of all the family and even her ex- in-laws.  Shelbi at no time has EVER been abusive to ANY of her girls.  I know that times have changed, but even my children respect me enough not to speak to me the way Courtney has her mother.  Most parents have the grandparent’s support and in this case it is grandma and an aunt that is encouraging bad behavior.

  

 

  

  

  

 

  

  

Like all parents dealing with teenagers, it has been trying for her, but the influence and controversy Shelbi’s mother and sisters have caused has made the job of parenting twice as difficult.  Almost 2 years ago, Shelbi met and married her current husband Tony.  It seemed that her difficult relations with her mother had somewhat quieted down.  I have never seen Shelbi or the all girls happier.  Yet again, and as no surprise to me or my siblings, Mrs. Sill, Shelbi’s mother once again started the custody controversy, this time enlisting the help of Shelbi’s sister.   This all started when Shelbi was in the hospital giving birth to her youngest daughter .  Courtney was supposed to be staying with Grandma but unbeknownst to Shelbi, Mrs. S and  her sister had been facilitating contact with Courtney’s biological father and she had even been spending the night at his home. Her biological father had surrendered his rights in 1996 at the age of 28 years old.  My youngest son was aware that this was going on, but as Courtney’s buddy and teenager, he chose to keep quiet.  It was not until a few weeks after Shelbi came home from the hospital that she discovered what had been going on behind her back.

 Shelbi is a wonderful mother.  She constantly is baking cookies, running the girls to and from school functions and is even coached the girls volleyball team.  Shelbi has always made sure that the girls had everything that they wanted and in my opinion maybe even spoiled them to make up for the difficult times.  I have witnessed Courtney on several occasions be rude, hateful and completely disrespectful to her mother and other adults.  She has always threatened Shelbi with “grandma” and knows that “grandma” will do anything for her.  I think that the findings of “indicated perpetrator” are ridiculous and are the fabrication of a teenager who knows how to stir up trouble.  Many times, Shelbi has called me asking for advice in regards to Courtney.  Being the mother of two boys, I will say that Courtney has given her mother a run for her money and it seems that the system is willing to play right along.  My mother, Shelbi’s grandmother cannot believe that this is still continuing 14 years later.  I will state for the record, that if myself or any of my siblings thought that Shelbi was a bad parent or had abused the girls at anytime, we would not hesitate to step up and say so.  Actually, I would say that if anything, Shelbi is a bit laxed in her discipline.  How can you say that she is a substantial risk to one child, and then leave three other children in her care?  I cannot believe how DCFS has handled this case.  We have children in the United States that are actually being killed, abused and left alone to fend for themselves, yet you go after a caring, loving mother. Shelbi, has always been a parent to volunteer for the PTA, she drove a school bus for almost 4 years, and I remember the only thing that she wanted to be when she grew up was a mom.  It is a shame that she has been put thru what she has.  Neither her, nor her children deserve any of this. 

  

 

  

 

  

  

  

 

  

  

L.D. 

  

 

  

  

  

 

  

  

 
January 2, 2006, 4:42 pm CST

Adoptions

  To Anyone who can give me a few answers here!  We have custoday of our 4 year old granddaughter.  WE have been wanting to adopt her but arent real sure about how to go about it. 

  At this time our daughter (granddaughters mother) is pregnant again and with areal low life.  We had already been wanting to adopt but really dont know what legalities it takes.  Ive read a few messages in her about others adopting and though maybe someone could help me out in this matter!..........Thanks for any information..........Nanny5x5 

 
January 2, 2006, 4:54 pm CST

Asking About Adoption!

Quote From: itsgina14

 I have 2 of my grandchildren, that I am raising. I have had them both since birth. Morgan is now 3 years old. And Trinity is 18 months. I have adopted Morgan, and Trinity's adoption is in process now. It is not an easy thing to do, but it is very rewarding. All I have to do is look into their little faces and I know I made the right choice. It is much more difficult  now, then when I raised their mother and her sister. I do not have the energy now, that I had then. All the things I thought I would be able to do when my biological children were grown, will probably never happen now. For me, it was a good choice, I love the girls very much, and I am never lonesome or bored.nor will I ever be able to retire.

   I hoping that maybe I can find some answers here about adoption.  We have been wanting to adopt our four year old granddaughter.  We have had her since birth and 3 years ago we went to court abd recieved sole custody of her.  Now we want to make things more final. My daughter her mother seldom sees her and is now pregnant with another child.  We have had to make big changes since this has all come about.  If you can help me with some answers on this I will truly be blessed.  Im thinking our first step would be to call a lawyer.  Please let me know so we can start making our steps forward.......Thank You So Very Much....Nanny5x5 

 
January 3, 2006, 8:11 pm CST

Please Help Me

I am a 36 year old mother of 2 daughters ages 20y and 10m. and the grandmother of  

3 granddaughters ages 5y, 4y and 3y.  

The eldest granddaughter has always lived with my husband of 14 years and I.  

My daughter had Child protection service CPS take custody of her other two and since  

I didn't have legal custody only a power of attorney CPS took the child I raised as well.  

Cps told us that after services were set up and we moved into a larger home we would get  

custody of her. In 16 days she will be put up for adoption and we will never see her again  

much less say goodbye to her. CPS's booklet that they use as the standard info they give  

out states on the 1st page "It is the primary goal of CPS to keep children within their  

own homes or families and to offer services to make that happen" No such services have  

ever been offered to us even though we have repeatedly requested any and all services  

that will have them put my baby back home with us where she belongs.Cps has repeatedly  

lied to us and intentionally mislead us on several occasions and for some reason sabotaged  

our every move forward with more lies. They have also denied all of my family before they  

even filled out the paperwork. We have a 10 month old and have the means to support,  

nurture, teach and love my grandchild as well.  

We paid $4000.00 ( the money we have been saving for the down payment on a new house) 

to an attorney we were told had experience and had never lost a case, but in court  

he acted afraid and since hiring him in August I have spoke to him once (in court) and 

have never had a phone call returned. 

Please help me! I am so afraid and I am getting desperate. They won't even  

let us see her and we don't know why. I don't know how I can handle the thought 

of not saying goodbye to her, she must think we abandoned her and how will she  

be all she can be in her future with something like this affecting her. It's not  

fair to her she's only 5 years old she calls us mom and dad and I miss her please help PLEASE 

Thank You, 

Jamie Finn magiksun@yahoo.com 

 
January 24, 2006, 9:20 pm CST

At Wit's End

I am at my wit's end with this dilemma, I have tried just about everything to figure how to get my 9 year old grandson to stop lying. I know children will do that from time to time but he is at epidemic proportions. He lies about his conduct in school, he won't do his homework, he has chores at home but says he doesn't feel like doing it. And to make it worst thinks his Mom should do his chores and give him all the freedom to do as he wishes.  He does his work in school, he even tudors other students in his class. He is on the principal's list honor roll. He has been recommended by his teacher to be placed in advanced study courses because he finishes his so fast and with great accuracy. We have tried asking him why he lies so much, he just says he doesn't know why. He has been placed in time out from television, had his favorite games taken away, and is not allowed to participate with the other children in field trips if he doesn't earn the priviledge. He has yet to go on a field trip with his class because of the chronic lying. I have watch him do his homework at my house only to find out later he won't turn it in the next day. He will tell his teacher that he forgot and left it at home. He won't bring notes home from his teacher. We find out about his antics either when we pop-up at school to check on him or the teacher will make a call to his mother or myself. I try talking to him before his mother to see if there is something bothering him, he says all is fine. He tries to make things go well by being the first one to say he has had a great day in school and that his conduct has rated him an "E" for that day. Which we soon find out is not true, he will have done something during the course of the day to end it with a "S" or "U" for that day. He has been told very strictly that he has to maintain good grades and conduct in order to enjoy the fun priveledges he wants ie- video games, movies, play dates. Can some light be shed on how to reach him to effect his constant lying. He knows full well he will be found out, yet he lies anyway.
 
January 24, 2006, 9:31 pm CST

taking mother to court!

  We have had our grandaughter for 5 years now. Her father signed his rights away because he knew it was the best thing to do for her. The mother is thinking of herself and doesnt want to let us adopt her. The mother has never supported her finacially. I registered her for school. I took her to the dentist and doctor. I buy her clothes,feed her ,ect. Her mother and father broke up last september and the mother has only called her 3 times and seen her 3 times. We hired a lawyer and got temporary custody. The mother has supervised visits. She is living with a man she has only known 2 months. And the mother also does drugs. She has come to my house high the times she has seen her daughter. She still does not financially support her. Our lawyer told me that we will get her just on the finacial reason. If we lost her we would never see her again. Our grandaughter is so close to us she calls me mama and mommy . I need to find out from people who have been there, how hard is it to adopt a grandchild under  these circumstances. Also the mother has had 4 jobs in 5 months. She had a car and lost it,because she would not pay for it. She also lost her lawyer because she could not pay for him. She also used our grandaughter on her income taxes and got alot of money.Please post back. Thank You
 
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