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Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Number of Replies: 316
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:10 pm
Author : dataimport
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Share your advice, support and stories here.

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January 25, 2006, 8:46 pm CST

Court is the answer

Quote From: wickerls

  We have had our grandaughter for 5 years now. Her father signed his rights away because he knew it was the best thing to do for her. The mother is thinking of herself and doesnt want to let us adopt her. The mother has never supported her finacially. I registered her for school. I took her to the dentist and doctor. I buy her clothes,feed her ,ect. Her mother and father broke up last september and the mother has only called her 3 times and seen her 3 times. We hired a lawyer and got temporary custody. The mother has supervised visits. She is living with a man she has only known 2 months. And the mother also does drugs. She has come to my house high the times she has seen her daughter. She still does not financially support her. Our lawyer told me that we will get her just on the finacial reason. If we lost her we would never see her again. Our grandaughter is so close to us she calls me mama and mommy . I need to find out from people who have been there, how hard is it to adopt a grandchild under  these circumstances. Also the mother has had 4 jobs in 5 months. She had a car and lost it,because she would not pay for it. She also lost her lawyer because she could not pay for him. She also used our grandaughter on her income taxes and got alot of money.Please post back. Thank You

First, if you can prove you had the child in the time frame that she claimed the child on her taxes. I would go to a tax advisor and see about amending your taxes to include the child. Then she can deal with the IRS issues. If you have had the child for 5 years, check with your state about laws regarding TPR (which is terminating parents rights) it maybe that you can first have her rights terminated by the court then proceed with an adoption... WITHOUT her consent. The most important thing to remember is to keep RECORDS, anything involving the child.... ANYTHING! 

Even if adoption is not possible, the love support and guidance you give her is what will matter in the future, always keep that in mind. If you have had temp. custody through the court for a long period, talk to you tax advisor don't allow her to miss use money that could be used for the benifit of the child.  If that is not possible ask the court of child support and that part of the tax credit for the child. Courts dont always do what is right, but given the proper information most Judges try do what is best for the child. It is scary but taking a stand now will allow you to set rules and boundries for the future, something it sounds like this "mother" needs.  

 
January 25, 2006, 9:11 pm CST

Lies

Quote From: nanaoftn

I am at my wit's end with this dilemma, I have tried just about everything to figure how to get my 9 year old grandson to stop lying. I know children will do that from time to time but he is at epidemic proportions. He lies about his conduct in school, he won't do his homework, he has chores at home but says he doesn't feel like doing it. And to make it worst thinks his Mom should do his chores and give him all the freedom to do as he wishes.  He does his work in school, he even tudors other students in his class. He is on the principal's list honor roll. He has been recommended by his teacher to be placed in advanced study courses because he finishes his so fast and with great accuracy. We have tried asking him why he lies so much, he just says he doesn't know why. He has been placed in time out from television, had his favorite games taken away, and is not allowed to participate with the other children in field trips if he doesn't earn the priviledge. He has yet to go on a field trip with his class because of the chronic lying. I have watch him do his homework at my house only to find out later he won't turn it in the next day. He will tell his teacher that he forgot and left it at home. He won't bring notes home from his teacher. We find out about his antics either when we pop-up at school to check on him or the teacher will make a call to his mother or myself. I try talking to him before his mother to see if there is something bothering him, he says all is fine. He tries to make things go well by being the first one to say he has had a great day in school and that his conduct has rated him an "E" for that day. Which we soon find out is not true, he will have done something during the course of the day to end it with a "S" or "U" for that day. He has been told very strictly that he has to maintain good grades and conduct in order to enjoy the fun priveledges he wants ie- video games, movies, play dates. Can some light be shed on how to reach him to effect his constant lying. He knows full well he will be found out, yet he lies anyway.

My son was 10 years old when this problem ocurred, he was overwhelmed by moving to a new school. I did a few things like emailing the teachers on a weekly basis and communicating a LOT.  

  

Is school the only thing he lies about? If so he may be just really not looking foward to the fuss of a "U" grade.  There maybe something that triggers the bad behavior, bored, stress... Get him to communicate in ways he understands and looks foward to doing. I would explain that everyone has "E" days sometimes and that some days are just  "S" and every now and again "U" days just happen. Start giving yourself a daily grade on YOUR behavior and explain why you have got that grade be open and honest. Instead of a punish/reward relationship with his behavior focus on getting him to be honest first by discussing "YOUR behavior grade of the day" then ask about his day and  how he think it went,  then talk about ways YOU could have made your day an "E" day. Have him do the same with his day. Having these open, honest non-threating talks, he will learn ways to improve and feel that he took part in deciding to be well behaved.  

  

This is what finally worked for us, it did take about 3-4 months to really kick in but now almost 3 years later, we still have conversations like this every few days. He is doing well now and the talks have evolved into many different issues as he has grew that he was very open with me about.  

 
January 30, 2006, 7:46 pm CST

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: magiksun

I am a 36 year old mother of 2 daughters ages 20y and 10m. and the grandmother of  

3 granddaughters ages 5y, 4y and 3y.  

The eldest granddaughter has always lived with my husband of 14 years and I.  

My daughter had Child protection service CPS take custody of her other two and since  

I didn't have legal custody only a power of attorney CPS took the child I raised as well.  

Cps told us that after services were set up and we moved into a larger home we would get  

custody of her. In 16 days she will be put up for adoption and we will never see her again  

much less say goodbye to her. CPS's booklet that they use as the standard info they give  

out states on the 1st page "It is the primary goal of CPS to keep children within their  

own homes or families and to offer services to make that happen" No such services have  

ever been offered to us even though we have repeatedly requested any and all services  

that will have them put my baby back home with us where she belongs.Cps has repeatedly  

lied to us and intentionally mislead us on several occasions and for some reason sabotaged  

our every move forward with more lies. They have also denied all of my family before they  

even filled out the paperwork. We have a 10 month old and have the means to support,  

nurture, teach and love my grandchild as well.  

We paid $4000.00 ( the money we have been saving for the down payment on a new house) 

to an attorney we were told had experience and had never lost a case, but in court  

he acted afraid and since hiring him in August I have spoke to him once (in court) and 

have never had a phone call returned. 

Please help me! I am so afraid and I am getting desperate. They won't even  

let us see her and we don't know why. I don't know how I can handle the thought 

of not saying goodbye to her, she must think we abandoned her and how will she  

be all she can be in her future with something like this affecting her. It's not  

fair to her she's only 5 years old she calls us mom and dad and I miss her please help PLEASE 

Thank You, 

Jamie Finn magiksun@yahoo.com 

I am sorry to hear what has happened.  Unfortunately there is no fix for this.  Once the state is involved there is nothing you can do.  I am raising my 4 year old grandson.  I have had him since he was 18 months.  He had a brother that had some emothional problems who is now 8 years old.  I had them both for a few months but the oldest boy was taught to abuse his little brother. The state had them seperated and adopted him out.  My husband and I went to family counceling to try to help keep him for 6 months.  I was told to have a true mothers heart is to do what is best for the child.  They said that they would find a family that wanted contact.  I said ok and I haven't seen or heard from him in 18 months.  I don't even know where he is.   

  

I was very angry and still am at times.  The only way I can go on is to realize that maybe the state saw something that I couln't.  Maybe he would have never felt safe because of his mother being in the same town.  When he was able to come visit he would have bad dreams because of the family problems.  I hope he can have good dreams now and know how much we love him.  The pain is still there so much at times it hurts to breath.  I have to wonder if he is happy and I'm just thinking he is hurting because I am.  My daughter is pregnant again and due in April.  I have another choice to make. 

  

The State lied to us as well.  I think if they could just tell a person what they are doing and why it would be hard but at least we would know.  Ther is an adoption site to sign up so she can get in touch when she is old enough. I journal every time I think of him so when I see him again he can read it.  I will never give up hope that some day his new parents will send a picture or a letter.   

  

Good Luck 

 
February 4, 2006, 4:18 am CST

WE ARE ADOPTING! NANNY5X5

Hello to fellow readers!  We are now in the middle of the adoption of our 4 yr old grandddaughter.  So far things things are going well and our daughter has agreed to this.  Right now our daughter is pregnant with another child to be born in August.  Scared!  Oh Yes!  We have already been this round once before and our daughter has a nasty temper.  Even after her Anger Mgmt class....Like that did her any good!  Right now Im scared of what might happen with this next child.  I was there the first time and could take control of the situations that got out of hand (which was everyday)  This time I wont be!  I know she has to learn and grow on her own but I dont believe it should be at a childs exspense!  I will keep my eyes open!   I do have to say that parents and grandparents who watch and see the wrong things should keep some sort of a journal...believe me...this has helped us out!  If at anytime you need to talk about something like this feel free to email me at Grandsassy@comcast.net  This is a nanny that has devoted alot of time and energy and it will always remain that way. Im available if you want to chat....Best Wishes & Good Luck Too ALL!!  Nanny5x5
 
February 13, 2006, 5:35 am CST

unable to be in my grandchildrens lives...

My Husband and I have 2 beautiful Grandchildren,a girl,who is 5 and a half,and a boy,who will be 2 this Saturday.When our Grandaughter was born,our Daughter was very irresponsible,showed no interest in being a Mother,she was neglecting her,and was unable to show her child any love at the time.She was more caught up in her Boyfriend at the time,who is not the childs father.The boyfriend was irresponsible as well,oh..he wanted to play "Daddy"..but didn't want to work,or do anything but play video games.I tried so hard to help my daughter to no avail.  When my Grandaughter was 4 months old,my daughter and her boyfriend decided they wanted to leave the state,with no jobs,no money and not having a clue of what they were going to do.I told them to leave the baby with us until they got their acts together.Well,my husband and I ended up raising our Grandaughter for the 1st. 3 years,in which at age 1 she was diagnosed as having Autism,so I did everything possible to get her the help she needed. We raised that little girl with all the love in our hearts,and she felt more like our child than our Grandchild.Well,through the court system our daughter proved that she was capable of raising her child,and we had to hand her over to her Mother. In a sense,I felt it was the right thing to do,because a child should be with her Mother,and our daughter did seem to have her life together,and had finally grown up. 

   The thing is,her boyfriend doesn't like us much because he felt we should have just stayed out of their lives...And about a year and a half ago,he made a pass at our youngest Daughter and we got upset. Our oldest daughter knew about it and instead of being upset with her boyfriend,she resents her Sister. And since that ordeal,we are not allowed to go see our Daughter and Grandchildren,. On my Birthday ,that was the only thing I wanted was to see our grandchildren,my daughter said it was ok,but when we got half way there,she called us on our cellphone,saying her boyfriend doesn't want us to come,and if we do,he was taking off with the baby,because he "is" his father.So,not to cause problems with our daughter,and him,we turned around and came home.They live 3 hours away.   I talk to my daughter,but one way or another she has a way to make me feel hurt. every time I see a picture of the babies(which I have all over my home) my heart feels crushed,it hurts so bad.i'm just as angry at my Daughter as I am him,because she knows how much we love her and the kids,and we've done nothing but love them,protect them and help them.Can anyone out there give me some advice. 

 
February 15, 2006, 7:55 am CST

keep letting them know u love them

Quote From: lisa_j_o

My Husband and I have 2 beautiful Grandchildren,a girl,who is 5 and a half,and a boy,who will be 2 this Saturday.When our Grandaughter was born,our Daughter was very irresponsible,showed no interest in being a Mother,she was neglecting her,and was unable to show her child any love at the time.She was more caught up in her Boyfriend at the time,who is not the childs father.The boyfriend was irresponsible as well,oh..he wanted to play "Daddy"..but didn't want to work,or do anything but play video games.I tried so hard to help my daughter to no avail.  When my Grandaughter was 4 months old,my daughter and her boyfriend decided they wanted to leave the state,with no jobs,no money and not having a clue of what they were going to do.I told them to leave the baby with us until they got their acts together.Well,my husband and I ended up raising our Grandaughter for the 1st. 3 years,in which at age 1 she was diagnosed as having Autism,so I did everything possible to get her the help she needed. We raised that little girl with all the love in our hearts,and she felt more like our child than our Grandchild.Well,through the court system our daughter proved that she was capable of raising her child,and we had to hand her over to her Mother. In a sense,I felt it was the right thing to do,because a child should be with her Mother,and our daughter did seem to have her life together,and had finally grown up. 

   The thing is,her boyfriend doesn't like us much because he felt we should have just stayed out of their lives...And about a year and a half ago,he made a pass at our youngest Daughter and we got upset. Our oldest daughter knew about it and instead of being upset with her boyfriend,she resents her Sister. And since that ordeal,we are not allowed to go see our Daughter and Grandchildren,. On my Birthday ,that was the only thing I wanted was to see our grandchildren,my daughter said it was ok,but when we got half way there,she called us on our cellphone,saying her boyfriend doesn't want us to come,and if we do,he was taking off with the baby,because he "is" his father.So,not to cause problems with our daughter,and him,we turned around and came home.They live 3 hours away.   I talk to my daughter,but one way or another she has a way to make me feel hurt. every time I see a picture of the babies(which I have all over my home) my heart feels crushed,it hurts so bad.i'm just as angry at my Daughter as I am him,because she knows how much we love her and the kids,and we've done nothing but love them,protect them and help them.Can anyone out there give me some advice. 

I understand how u feel.  I raised my 2 older grandkids and I hardly ever seen them when they were younger,but  they are older now and  they never forgot who loves them. With your daughter and boyfriend- sometime you just have to bite your lip and let the sister work thing out for them self - it keeps u nutural but let them know you are there for both of them and listen and be a friend ( not a mom ) it hard - I  have been there .. hope this helps
 
February 15, 2006, 8:18 am CST

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: missesp

I am sorry to hear what has happened.  Unfortunately there is no fix for this.  Once the state is involved there is nothing you can do.  I am raising my 4 year old grandson.  I have had him since he was 18 months.  He had a brother that had some emothional problems who is now 8 years old.  I had them both for a few months but the oldest boy was taught to abuse his little brother. The state had them seperated and adopted him out.  My husband and I went to family counceling to try to help keep him for 6 months.  I was told to have a true mothers heart is to do what is best for the child.  They said that they would find a family that wanted contact.  I said ok and I haven't seen or heard from him in 18 months.  I don't even know where he is.   

  

I was very angry and still am at times.  The only way I can go on is to realize that maybe the state saw something that I couln't.  Maybe he would have never felt safe because of his mother being in the same town.  When he was able to come visit he would have bad dreams because of the family problems.  I hope he can have good dreams now and know how much we love him.  The pain is still there so much at times it hurts to breath.  I have to wonder if he is happy and I'm just thinking he is hurting because I am.  My daughter is pregnant again and due in April.  I have another choice to make. 

  

The State lied to us as well.  I think if they could just tell a person what they are doing and why it would be hard but at least we would know.  Ther is an adoption site to sign up so she can get in touch when she is old enough. I journal every time I think of him so when I see him again he can read it.  I will never give up hope that some day his new parents will send a picture or a letter.   

  

Good Luck 

sorry to hear about your grandkids - I right now am going threw the same with mine grandkids(4) of them. My daughter lost them because of the dad and never made an effort to try to get them back and I have had them 1yr and yesterday cps said that they found some stuff in my history that keeps me from having them. 11yrs ago my son died of cancer when he was 8yrs old and my mother did everything even told lies and now they are holding it against me unless I can prove it again - I do hope your all the luck in the world - when they are older they will find you they found my sister
 
February 18, 2006, 3:31 am CST

Letting Grandmother Adopt was a bad idea


This is a long story, but I promise it is worth every minute of your time. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother would hit me in the face, tell me she hated me and couldn't wait to get me out of her home.I was subjected to sexual abuse by her leaving me alone with her bi sexual boyfriend, I was subjected to physical abuse by her now x husband, I ended up in the juvenile court system and on every psychiatric drug known to man, I attempted suicide over 100 times. Not all were serious, but a few were. My mother would throw me out and then call the police and report me as a runaway to have me arrested.I lived on the streets of Dayton Ohio as a teen. I eventually ended up in a foster home. While all of this was going on I began writing to a boy who was in juvenile prison. My mother knew I was writing him and didn't care. I wrote to him for a year and a half. I was even allowed to go visit him in prison with his mother. The emotional attatchment created with all of the pain in the home was one that I fear will never go away.The day he got out my mother said I was no longer allowed to have any contact with him.I'm sure you can imagine what that was like. I met him at the bus stop with his mother the day he was released I concieved a child. This is where the IMPORTANT part of the story comes in. Turns out my mom was right about the boy, what she was wrong about was allowing me to write an inmate for a year and a half in the first place. So I ended up back at home with my mom. Pregnant at 16. When my baby was born I fell in love instantly. I knew I was going to be the best mother and she was all that I cared about.
My mother kept harrassing me, accusing me of not feeding her, or bathing her enough. She would come home from work and say there are still the same ammount of bottles in the refrigerator as there were when I left. Well that was because each time I fed Lindsay I made a new Bottle so that the refrigerator would always be stocked.I bathed her 1 time every 2 days with sponge baths in between. That is what they told me to do in the hospital. I was doing everything right but she was determined to drive me away. One day I got a visit from child protective services. They said mom had called them and that they were opening a case. This scared me so bad I didn't know what to do. Soon after my mom began throwing me out again. What was I supposed to do take my baby on the street?My mom would say it doesn't matter you might as well leave her here they will eventually take her from you and give her to me. You are too young to raise a child. I believed every word she said to the point that I left and only came to visit Lindsay. Eventually that too became too painful to bear.My mom seemed to really love her and be doing better with her than she ever did with me. So I thought maybe God gave me Lindsay to give my mom a second chance. I ended up signing papers so that my mom could adopt her. 2 years ago I found out that my mom was begining to do the same things to Lindsay that she did to me, and that Lindsay was starting to show some of the same behavior problems that I did. My mom seems to think its all genetic, denying any responsibility. My mom told me she had hit Lindsay in the face "a little too hard" .Lindsay would call me crying after mom would have hit her or told her things like "I hate you" or "you make me sick" "you are ruining my life"etc... I knew things were going just the way they did with me. Now I find out that mom has pressed charges on Lindsay, has her on probation and has had her in juvenile detention.I guess mom never thought that when you abuse a child they might eventually fight back.So now she has her hands full. I could sit back and smile and say she's getting hers now, but the person who is getting hurt the most is Lindsay.
Another element of this story is I have 4 children other than Lindsay and they are all upset by this. Their Grandmother has turned her back on them too. They had been expressing their feelings to me about their sister having been taken away from me, and I told them the best way to deal with their feelings would be to write their grandmother a letter. So they did. Maybe I did the wrong thing by mailing the letters but I felt she needed to know. I called my mother the other day because my oldest daughter was having her 10th birthday and she was asking I wonder if Nanna will call to wish me a happy birthday? My mom got very angry and said that the last time she heard from her grandchildren she got hate mail so she no longer wants to have anything to do with them. Please help my family Dr Phil! If you don't I fear the worse for Lindsay. She is already saying suicidal things and her life is going to be destroyed by my mother if she doesn't get help.
 
February 21, 2006, 6:18 pm CST

sorry

Quote From: starnightl

sorry to hear about your grandkids - I right now am going threw the same with mine grandkids(4) of them. My daughter lost them because of the dad and never made an effort to try to get them back and I have had them 1yr and yesterday cps said that they found some stuff in my history that keeps me from having them. 11yrs ago my son died of cancer when he was 8yrs old and my mother did everything even told lies and now they are holding it against me unless I can prove it again - I do hope your all the luck in the world - when they are older they will find you they found my sister
I know what that feels like.   My youngest grandon lived with me off and on for 5 years.  His father was released from jail moved back in with his sons mother. (who has allot of problems).    I have not seen him or talked to  my grandson in over a month.    I also keep a journal for him and hope that some day I will see him again. he will be able to  read what happened and why he could not stay with me.   His oldest brother lives with me so that is a comfort.  I hope to do my best by hime.   He is a great kid but has allot of problems that we are working through.      Do not give up and dont give up hope
 
February 21, 2006, 6:28 pm CST

quote

Quote From: starnightl

I understand how u feel.  I raised my 2 older grandkids and I hardly ever seen them when they were younger,but  they are older now and  they never forgot who loves them. With your daughter and boyfriend- sometime you just have to bite your lip and let the sister work thing out for them self - it keeps u nutural but let them know you are there for both of them and listen and be a friend ( not a mom ) it hard - I  have been there .. hope this helps

 The only advise I have to give is hang in there do not give up.    Be there when  you can.  Eventually your daughter will grow up and learn that guy is not what she wants and she will return home with the kids.    Do not  let her hold those kids over your head.  That's what did me in because I can not help my youngest grandson but I do have the oldest one.   I am not going to give up hope to get my youngest one.      The courts will not help a grandparent in fact there is little help for grandparent to get legal custody of their grandchildren.  

 
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