Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

First, if you can prove you had the child in the time frame that she claimed the child on her taxes. I would go to a tax advisor and see about amending your taxes to include the child. Then she can deal with the IRS issues. If you have had the child for 5 years, check with your state about laws regarding TPR (which is terminating parents rights) it maybe that you can first have her rights terminated by the court then proceed with an adoption... WITHOUT her consent. The most important thing to remember is to keep RECORDS, anything involving the child.... ANYTHING! 

Even if adoption is not possible, the love support and guidance you give her is what will matter in the future, always keep that in mind. If you have had temp. custody through the court for a long period, talk to you tax advisor don't allow her to miss use money that could be used for the benifit of the child.  If that is not possible ask the court of child support and that part of the tax credit for the child. Courts dont always do what is right, but given the proper information most Judges try do what is best for the child. It is scary but taking a stand now will allow you to set rules and boundries for the future, something it sounds like this "mother" needs.  

My son was 10 years old when this problem ocurred, he was overwhelmed by moving to a new school. I did a few things like emailing the teachers on a weekly basis and communicating a LOT.  

Is school the only thing he lies about? If so he may be just really not looking foward to the fuss of a "U" grade.  There maybe something that triggers the bad behavior, bored, stress... Get him to communicate in ways he understands and looks foward to doing. I would explain that everyone has "E" days sometimes and that some days are just  "S" and every now and again "U" days just happen. Start giving yourself a daily grade on YOUR behavior and explain why you have got that grade be open and honest. Instead of a punish/reward relationship with his behavior focus on getting him to be honest first by discussing "YOUR behavior grade of the day" then ask about his day and  how he think it went,  then talk about ways YOU could have made your day an "E" day. Have him do the same with his day. Having these open, honest non-threating talks, he will learn ways to improve and feel that he took part in deciding to be well behaved.  

This is what finally worked for us, it did take about 3-4 months to really kick in but now almost 3 years later, we still have conversations like this every few days. He is doing well now and the talks have evolved into many different issues as he has grew that he was very open with me about.  

I am sorry to hear what has happened.  Unfortunately there is no fix for this.  Once the state is involved there is nothing you can do.  I am raising my 4 year old grandson.  I have had him since he was 18 months.  He had a brother that had some emothional problems who is now 8 years old.  I had them both for a few months but the oldest boy was taught to abuse his little brother. The state had them seperated and adopted him out.  My husband and I went to family counceling to try to help keep him for 6 months.  I was told to have a true mothers heart is to do what is best for the child.  They said that they would find a family that wanted contact.  I said ok and I haven't seen or heard from him in 18 months.  I don't even know where he is.   

I was very angry and still am at times.  The only way I can go on is to realize that maybe the state saw something that I couln't.  Maybe he would have never felt safe because of his mother being in the same town.  When he was able to come visit he would have bad dreams because of the family problems.  I hope he can have good dreams now and know how much we love him.  The pain is still there so much at times it hurts to breath.  I have to wonder if he is happy and I'm just thinking he is hurting because I am.  My daughter is pregnant again and due in April.  I have another choice to make. 

The State lied to us as well.  I think if they could just tell a person what they are doing and why it would be hard but at least we would know.  Ther is an adoption site to sign up so she can get in touch when she is old enough. I journal every time I think of him so when I see him again he can read it.  I will never give up hope that some day his new parents will send a picture or a letter.   

Good Luck 

My Husband and I have 2 beautiful Grandchildren,a girl,who is 5 and a half,and a boy,who will be 2 this Saturday.When our Grandaughter was born,our Daughter was very irresponsible,showed no interest in being a Mother,she was neglecting her,and was unable to show her child any love at the time.She was more caught up in her Boyfriend at the time,who is not the childs father.The boyfriend was irresponsible as well,oh..he wanted to play "Daddy"..but didn't want to work,or do anything but play video games.I tried so hard to help my daughter to no avail.  When my Grandaughter was 4 months old,my daughter and her boyfriend decided they wanted to leave the state,with no jobs,no money and not having a clue of what they were going to do.I told them to leave the baby with us until they got their acts together.Well,my husband and I ended up raising our Grandaughter for the 1st. 3 years,in which at age 1 she was diagnosed as having Autism,so I did everything possible to get her the help she needed. We raised that little girl with all the love in our hearts,and she felt more like our child than our Grandchild.Well,through the court system our daughter proved that she was capable of raising her child,and we had to hand her over to her Mother. In a sense,I felt it was the right thing to do,because a child should be with her Mother,and our daughter did seem to have her life together,and had finally grown up. 

   The thing is,her boyfriend doesn't like us much because he felt we should have just stayed out of their lives...And about a year and a half ago,he made a pass at our youngest Daughter and we got upset. Our oldest daughter knew about it and instead of being upset with her boyfriend,she resents her Sister. And since that ordeal,we are not allowed to go see our Daughter and Grandchildren,. On my Birthday ,that was the only thing I wanted was to see our grandchildren,my daughter said it was ok,but when we got half way there,she called us on our cellphone,saying her boyfriend doesn't want us to come,and if we do,he was taking off with the baby,because he "is" his father.So,not to cause problems with our daughter,and him,we turned around and came home.They live 3 hours away.   I talk to my daughter,but one way or another she has a way to make me feel hurt. every time I see a picture of the babies(which I have all over my home) my heart feels crushed,it hurts so bad.i'm just as angry at my Daughter as I am him,because she knows how much we love her and the kids,and we've done nothing but love them,protect them and help them.Can anyone out there give me some advice. 

 The only advise I have to give is hang in there do not give up.    Be there when  you can.  Eventually your daughter will grow up and learn that guy is not what she wants and she will return home with the kids.    Do not  let her hold those kids over your head.  That's what did me in because I can not help my youngest grandson but I do have the oldest one.   I am not going to give up hope to get my youngest one.      The courts will not help a grandparent in fact there is little help for grandparent to get legal custody of their grandchildren.