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Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:10 pm
Author : dataimport
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Share your advice, support and stories here.

 
sue46747
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March 29, 2006, 10:54 am PST

Grandparents raising teenager problems

I've had my 16 year old Granddaughter off and on since she was 3 months.  I'm her Mom since both her mother (drug addicted) and step mother (bi-polar problems) have not been.  Her Dad, my son, is dealing with single parenting my 14 year old,  bi-polar, grandson and it's taking all his patience and  time.  So Rae s with me we get along well,.  She's a blessing. 

  

Within the last month we took on Dan's 15 year old grandson.  The boy's mother "slipped out of town" here last year to get away from debts and a bad reputation.  She headed to FL to live with her mother. The boy was having problems at home and in school.  He was in trouble because of attitude and being disruptive so she sent him back here to us.  She didn't tell us that this.  We found out after he got here.  He hadn't attended school for at least the last 2 months he was in FL and even though I E-mailed her the phone #, address, and name of the Administrators of the school he'd be going to he didn't have the proper legal paperwork he needed to be enrolled in school here when he arrived. So we are working on this.  So far he's lost at least 3 months of his Freshman year.  And schools here have only 2 months left until school is over for the summer. 

  

He's sullen and angry most of the time.  He does whatever he can to upset my granddaughter.  Spying on her and her boyfriend, even setting up a hidden vidio camera on them one time.  He makes rude comment and is constantly snide and difficult.  I know he is homesick but he calls his mom and demands money then hangs up on her.  He is distructive if he doesn't get his way. 

  

Dan has Cronic Obstructive Lung Disease  and is on Social Security Disability  so he's not up to keeping this boy in line.  We paid $250 for a airplane ticket for him to come up with his Grandmother when she came to visit her mother.  We have almost $1000 invested in getting his custody straightened out so he can go to school.  I can see how taxing he is on all of us and I'm ready to chuck it all, pack his bag  and put him an a Greyhound headed for Ft Myers.   

  

I raised 2 boys and never had this problem.  But then I had a chnce to work with them from "birth" where this one has been spoiled and allowed to pretty much do as he pleased for 15 years.  He's a 6'1" 280 lb bundel of aggrivation with size 12 feet.   

  

Has anyone got any ideas??  I'm open to any help. 

  

  
 
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johackett
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April 3, 2006, 10:49 am PDT

Grandma misses granddaughter

I also raised my grandaughter for her first year... her parents lived with us for that year.. and it was a year from hell... I wrote three times to Dr. Phil to ask him to do a show on grandparents rights... and if we did not have any rights we needed to get them.. I know in my state of Florida we have no rights.. but we are the ones who raise them.. buy their food clothes and everything else they need... I took full care of Kaydence until they decided they were tired of each other and split up... now the only way I get to see her is if I meet at Nicki's lawyers office.. I have only seen her once in 2 months for just an hour.. I was just happy that she remembered her grandma.  Nicki is 17 yrs old and is a pathological lier... RJ who is our grandson is 21 yrs old and is a pathological lier... they have put my husband and myself through hell with their fights and the police showing up at our house..both of them fighting for custody... and accusing each other of all kinds of stuff... and when that does not work they decided to add my husband to the list by accusing him of abusing  Kaydence...  this is all so outragious... my husband works two jobs trying to pay the bills we incurred having them live with usnow all these accusations are flying all over the place... She supposedly was told in August about Ken's so called abuse of  Kaydence... I asked her why she stayed here another 4 months if that was the case... I said if someone abused my baby I would be in an uproar... all hell would break loose... but she never did or said anything about it till now... so now we have to find a way to defend this accusation and also be able to see our Granddaughter... what A couple of selfish young people they r... hateful also. I think this is such an important issue because there are so many of us grandparents out there who r trying to either raise their grandchildren or at least be able to visit them... u know without us grandparents there would be no grandchildren.left rights!!!  I know Dr. Phil is a strong advocate for the children so I hope he reads this and will speak for our grandchildren who need us!!! thanks!!
 
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jesslyn58
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April 7, 2006, 5:53 pm PDT

Raised and adopted by grandparents

I am a 47 yr old lady who was raised by her grandparents. They adopted me when I was less than 2 yrs. old. I am thankful everyday for their love and discipline. My Mother was "old school" very strict. I hated her as a teen, even got kicked out of the house at 18. We made ammends after I grew up a little. My bio-mother was their daughter, she got preg.and married  at 18 to a marine.  I don't remember a time when I didn't know they adopted me. THey loved me and weren't afraid to correct me. Anyone out there raising grandchildren--I admire you and hope you can keep the strength to be firm yet loving. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, it's a life time career. You all will see the reward for your hardwork someday. My bio-mother died at 46 yr old, she had remarried when I was in third grade. I ALWAYS considered her my sister. She never was a mother to me.
 
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debbiehinz
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April 10, 2006, 7:07 pm PDT

I adopted my grandchild

My husband and I took in my Granddaughter when she was 10 months old.  She grew up calling me Mommy and my husband Daddy....she still does.  She is now 6 and I am not sure my husband and I are correct by not telling her that she is adopted.  My daughter (her Mother) is still an active part in her life as her SISTER.  Right now she does not know any better and my husband, this is his first (and will be his only) child so he refuses to tell her, this is HIS little girl.  I want to tell her sometime because I have heard horror stories of adopted children who find out late in life and they have a hard time accepting it.  I would like to know what to do, I would like to know what is best for our little girl before it is too late.
 
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delachae
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April 17, 2006, 5:48 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: jesslyn58

I am a 47 yr old lady who was raised by her grandparents. They adopted me when I was less than 2 yrs. old. I am thankful everyday for their love and discipline. My Mother was "old school" very strict. I hated her as a teen, even got kicked out of the house at 18. We made ammends after I grew up a little. My bio-mother was their daughter, she got preg.and married  at 18 to a marine.  I don't remember a time when I didn't know they adopted me. THey loved me and weren't afraid to correct me. Anyone out there raising grandchildren--I admire you and hope you can keep the strength to be firm yet loving. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, it's a life time career. You all will see the reward for your hardwork someday. My bio-mother died at 46 yr old, she had remarried when I was in third grade. I ALWAYS considered her my sister. She never was a mother to me.
I stayed angry with my mother for a long time, I was 33 when I was released from all the hurt and pain I felt. I am now 50 when I was 33, the Lord showed me that I was blessed because when mother's day came around I did have my mother some did not. He told me that she did not abort me, but gave me life. I cried that day because I realized my Mom did the best that she knew how to do to help take care of me. My grandmother raised me and my mom moved to NY. I know your mother is deceased, but can you release the hurt, she tried. For whatever reason she was not able to raise you, SHE gave you LIFE.
 
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delachae
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April 17, 2006, 5:55 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: sirripper

hello I'am the grandmother of a 3 year old boy who is my son's child.My son has visitation tue&thur every other week-end,every other holiady and from june -sept in summer. My problem is grandparents visitation.Because my grandson's parents were not married the mother has the right to say if I can see the 3 year old. She will say yes I can see him then after i drive 16 hrs. their is a show down maybe yes maybe no to the visitation. I realize this is a power struggle going on. my question is how can I make this go smoother.
I have a 9 yr old grandson in Oh, I live in VA. When he was born his mother would not let me see him, I did not get to see him until he was 4 years old. I put it in the Lord's hand. She now allows him to come for the summer an will meet me half way. God is good. Pray about it and do not worry. She will come around.
 
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delachae
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April 17, 2006, 6:00 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: barliani

hello all,i am a first timer here on the boards, so please excuse any mistakes i may make. here's the background. my mother-in-law has adopted all 5 of my sister-in-law's children. my sister-in-law is currently in jail and should be getting out in about 20 years or so. i never really got to know her, but people tell me that she is someone who is frequently verbally and physically abusive towards her children and mother. i think this past experience may have resulted in all the kids having some form of behavioral problems. here's the situation. yesterday one of the kids, the second oldest, has recently run away. my husband and i are told that this is the second time she has run away. yes, she came back both times, but not before we seriously contemplated calling the police. yesterday she left the house at 4pm and returned home around 11 pm. we were also told yesterday (for the first time) that this child has graduated from screaming obscenities to her grandmother to actually hitting her. here's my question. given that my husband and i do not live with them, what can we do to make things better? i would hate to see this child follow in her mother's footsteps. her GPA has recently dropped to such an extent that her middle school is threatening to expel her. when we heard about this, i am ashamed to admit that i lost my temper. i told her that it is impossible for her to break out of the poverty cycle with no college degree. and that from the looks of things, she may not even graduate from high school. i am afraid i may have contributed to her running away by losing my temper.i am very worried about this child and i don't know how i can help. i have tried talking to her and it does not seem to help. any and all advice will be welcome. thank you all very much for listening.
Can you and your husband take this child? She is acting out her mother's behavior. She does not feel loved.  Save her, give her a girl's bedroom to enjoy, help her to enjoy being a child.
 
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delachae
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April 17, 2006, 6:10 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: pat2332

I wish there was something more substantial I could tell you.  One thing I can tell you is it is hard to say but it is YOUR daughters life.  I know as we sit here and look at her choices it is both confusing and painful.  We just can not understand why someone with all the love in the world would make a choice that is so dreadful for them and the life of their child.  For now be grateful that you can get on a plane to seen your grandchild.  It will NOT be that way forever.  Do what you have to do for now. And remember to pray. 

  

I am here today because my 20 year old son came home yesterday to announce his girlfriend of about 4 weeks is having his baby? I have always talked openly about protection and sexually transmitted diseases with my son...I don't know where it all fell apart.  I have been divorced for 5 years now, my son still has somewhat of a relationship with his Father.   

  

 I asked to meet my son's girlfriend when they first started dating because he was spending A LOT of time away from home.  He said she wants to move slow so she was not ready to meet me yet...so I waited a couple more weeks and asked again....well I still have not met her, even after the pregnancy announcement.  My son has attempted to pressure her into meeting me and she broke up with him so he backed off ........and has asked me to just back off."she is just not ready/willing to meet me yet"........ 

  

Can Any Body Smell a Rat...I think so.  He said she is 29??? My son is very Innocent and somewhat insecure and I think he just wants to belong to someone...he has no idea what he is in for...He moved to her apartment yesterday, he is uncomfortable talking to me when she is around.  I have seen a change in his personality...Mom you call me too much and you are holding me back???  Yes, I pay for the tuition and books and bought the car he drives (he does pay his car insurance and a small car payment) .I asked to talk with her over the phone....she refused!  What the HELL is going on..I can not think, sleep why wont she meet me??  My head is swirling around with ideas.  My son tells me she is about 3weeks pregnant??? he would 'nt really know.  He has a part-time job and has now decided to quit school.  Not that he was that interested in going in the first place. 

  

Has anyone else had this happen??  Any idea why she REFUSES to meet me.  I have never seen or talked to her.  My son has always introduced me to previous girlfriends.  He wants me to meet her he has even shown me where she lives.  But I know if I just showed up, I would lose that battle and maybe my son.  I have heard him tell her he wants her to meet me.  He said Mom what can I do?  Also he thinks he is going to marry her "do the right thing" 

  

Know what , if he want to act like a man then you need to let him go get a job and pay for his own tuition. LET him grow up, heck he is going to be a father soon.  He is already living with her so what you need to do is inform him that next semester he will be paying, you do not have to pay his tuition nor do you have to feel guilty for not paying it.  Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. If she does not want to meet you fine. Honey, believe they both will change their mind. Enjoy your life. LIVE. He is over 18 loose the strings, you raised him, did the best you could now it is time for him to live and learn. Its okay. Take that money and go to the spa, better yet take it and go on a cruise and visit the spa on board. LIVE! He is not going to die, but he sure is going to grow up QUICK.
 
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delachae
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April 17, 2006, 6:18 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: kbgranma

Recently my daughter met a guy on the internet and just after knowing him for a month moved in with him out of state. He fed her a bunch of lies which I proved to her were lies. She has taken my 3 yr old granddaughter from the only home she has known. I have taken care of her daughter since the moment she was born. providing this child with everything a child could want,need or desire I have given her every oppurtunity lessons in ballet ,gymnastics.bought her memberships to museums etc. I have told my daughter if she would come back I would get her an apartment put her through school, watch my granddaughter and help her until she got back on her feet she said what if the offer wasn't good enough.  What should I do besides collecting mile points flying back and forth cross country? This guy is a felon, a liar, has been married twice, and living on welfare. SOME ONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!
We as parents want to protect our grown children, when we need to let them go. We can only pray for them, ask God to protect them. Ask her if you can keep your grandduaghter. Do not buy her back or she will not learn that she has to pay a price for the choices she makes in life. She can live with you and apply for grants to attend college. If you do everything she will become dependent on you or someone else. Hopefully this will be a quick thing. Pray for the protection of your granddaughter, may God place His angels around her. Summer is coming, call your daughter and ask if you can get the baby for the summer. Do not give into her manlipulations.
 
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mnm111904

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April 19, 2006, 11:29 pm PDT

when should a grand parent step away??

my husband has a problem with his x m-inlaw. he and the x wife had started early and young. he wne t away to the military. he has been back since 02 but for the longest the x m-in law had him living there. by his request he asked her to care for while he was away due to issues of the x wife. but now all this time has passed and mom is barely having son live with her in oct/nov last year. an that was at the request of my husband because he stated one of the partents should have custody if it wasnt her it would be him. he wants his son. he loves his son dearly. whom should he be directing his anger to? what can he do to get them to see his point. he always feels klike now he has to deal with 2 mothers. not just one. and plans always get based on there doings not what he might have in store. he is left out of the loop alot. at this point the son only wants gma cuz she abides by his wants. is there any hope for my husband on trying to have more control with his own son.
 
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