Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

I understand what you are going through. How is the conditions with the other side of the family? Have you contacted the other grandparents?  Are they stable? Have you and are you able to speak with to them about your concerns? 

        

       What relation is the child you have in your custody to the two that have been taken by DDS? If they are brother/sister even if you can't adopt them maybe you could work with the DDS to have information about where they would go(open adoption), They will want to know one another in the future. No matter what your choice, try to think of possible issues in the future and find a way to make it less tramatic on the children in the future.  

  

       I would try to contact other family members on both sides to build some type of support group and possibly find a member willing to take on the challenge of raising two children. Sometimes family members that are able and willing have no idea what is going on with the children. Most often if a family member is taking drugs, those who are NOT on drugs try to say away to avoid all the hassles that come with a drug addict. ie. stealing, abuse and mood swings to name a few.  

Try to find a family member and speak with them. but if that doesn't work stay in touch with DDS for future communications with your grandchildren.  

  

     Most importantly remember you are doing the best you can do. What others think is not the issue. If these are family members.... Why are they not taking the children? Most likey the same reasons (or similar ones) as you and your husband. Remind them you are no more or less able to do this than they are, and you feel that to have the children transfered into yet another tempoary home would be more harmful than helpful to them. Good luck to you and your family!  

I can really understand where your coming from.  We are raising 4 of our grandchildren . And it can be quite difficult.  Plus we are doing it out of a 8x30 RV Trailer.   Ours are 4,6,8,and a nine yr old.  So its a blast.  We love them dearly .  And their father is helping some now.  Good luck and may God bless you all mightly.

 After my 11 year old grandson had gone home after a visit.  I found out that he had gone to porn sites while on my computer.  His Mom and Dad has caught him doing this and now he can only use the computer when his Dad goes and types in a password.  I am not going to let him on my computer again  without  me being there.  I  now realize that  he is going to go to those porn sites every chance he gets.  I am wondering how being exposed to all this porn is going to affect him.  And is there anything I can do or say?
Thanks in advance for your  input.

When my father was battling cancer , he agreed to take in my  then 17 year old nephew when his mother threw him out. My nephew has had a very hard life growing up and this was no surprise she kicked him out. Unfortunately My father has since past in September and now my Mother (grandma) and I are trying to give guidance to my newphew 

  

How do you get an 18 year old to respect the values and morals you are trying to instill in him? He says we are old school when it comes to staying at his friends house. As far as I am concerned, why are you still sleeping at your friends house at 18? He says they have co-ed sleepovers. Anyone else heard of this? 

  

Most recently my nephews mother asked him to watch his 3 Half Brothers (12,11 & 10) while she went to FLorida to get remarried/honeymoon. We made it clear that it would NOT BE APPROPRIATE for his GIRLFRIEND to Stay over while he is caring for his brothers. 

Needless to say, she has........ when confronted, he lied and to make matters worse..... his MOTHER (Who again kicked him out and does not support him financially) said that it was OK if she slept over.  (BTW - my sister is estranged from the family for years.) 

When trying to explain this to my nephew.... he didn't get the fact that he was disrespecting both his Grandmother and I by disregarding what was asked. 

  

I do NOT have any children of my own so do not have any experience to call upon but am very frustrated with this. My mother and I are still mourning my father as he just passed in September - this is ONE of several issues that we have but most pressing as he will be returning this coming week and had advised that we need to discuss this further. 

Boy! Do I know what you are going thru.  We are raising our 4 grandchildren .  3 girls and 1 boy. My husband is disabled to .  But he has found a job at the school.  So that helps alot.  I am unable to work  cause of abad hip and ankle.  Also some other health problems to do with my heart.  We have been doing this for 4 years now. It takes a lot of organization.( 2 of them are on meds for Asthma. And 1 is pron to anemia.  Thank God the older one is the healthy one.) 2yrs.by ourselves and battling the grown children for support.  Mother supports by staying out of the picture.  Dad comes in just enough to confuse.  Now he's woke up and seen just how precious his gifts are . We have been doing all this in a 8X30RV.. 

  But we are hoping that dad will kick in all the way and get him and his kids their own place. My husband and I want nothing more than to be just visiting Grandparents .  But for now we are their safty net. We are their safe place from a drug addict mom and a confused dad.   So with God's help ,We will All Thrive. God Bless you Mightly. Hang in there .  Sincerely ,  Helpgrandma47@Yahoo.com 

 I have this problem with my 24 yr old daughter!  Any one who has a real good answer please send them my way! 

 My husband and I have custoday of our granddaughter who is now 4.  She has lived with us since birth along with her mother.  Her mother decided that she was going to have numerous men in her life along with all the drugs that are out there to use.  We took custody of the 4 yr old three years ago.  Since then we have moved to another state but we always seem to have the my daughter following not far behind.  NOT that she wants anything to do with her daughter, its because she gets into trouble and runs from place to place. 

 She is starting the same thing here as she did in the last state with men and this time drinking.  My daughter and I have had many conversations...(yelling) about her and her daughter.  Its only then that my daughter takes the time to even see her daughter and then again it dies down to a once a week visit for a rotten hour!  In the time that she does come to visit her daughter she will sit and talk to me the whole time about her new boyfriend...(hes another topic) While shes talking with me her daughter need not come by her because she tells "her mommy is busy talking to Nanny" so go play.  Ive truly had it!!   

 Now with the holidays coming upon us my daughter has informed me that she would be staying at our house on the eve of and I have nicely but firmly told he no she can not.  Just because its Christmas doesnt mean now its time to play mommy for the day!   

 We are in waiting to find out if my daughter is pregnant yet once again.  I cant keep doing this with grandchildren and I let her know she is on her own if she cant use some sort of protection.  Which she can but doesnt...(she knows everything)   

 We have talked about adopting our granddaughter but at the same time we tend to think we are being to harsh.  We just want this little girl to have the best of love & life as we can possibly give to her.   Should we wait to adopt or just do it?  Should I talk to our daughter about adopting my granddaughter or should we just go do it!    I have many things on my list of complaints but cant fit it all in as I would have a book.  Thanks for reading and sending a answer! 

I can relate to that! My 25 yr old daughter has been a "druggie" for years and has finally now been clean for 11 months.  It is my 21 yr old daughter with 2 sons that I'm having problems with.  I raised my older grandson almost his entire first year pretty much by myself, but now everytime she gets mad at me, she refuses to let me see him.  He's a pawn to her.  She's interested in her current boyfriend only because he has money, while she has shoved aside both of her sons.  My grandson begs and pleads and sobs and and begs more to stay with me and I just don't know what to do.  I would give anything including my kidney to bring that sweet baby here to live because he keeps telling me "My mommy doesn't like me anymore".  The situation just kills me to watch what she's doing to him (she's not quite as bad with the younger child). However my daughter will tell you and anyone that she is "an excellent mother" and that she's doing everything right, even though she moved her boys to a smaller home (but with more bedrooms) just so her friend and boyfriend could move in and support her (she refuses to work). 

  

As far as your daughter goes, I agree with you about not wanting to her "play mommy" when it's convenient for her (and only then).  Children need stability and it sounds like your granddaughter would be anything but stabile with your daughter.  If it were me, I would adopt the granddaughter, assuming that your daughter wouldn't contest it.  Do you have any ideas on how she would react if she knew you wanted to adopt her daughter? 

I really don't know which topic to post this under.  I'm still confused on how these boards work. 

  

I don't know where to start, but I'll try to keep this short.  

  

Here's my dilemna: I raised my grandson almost his entire first year because my daughter was still being a teenager (17) doing teenage things, and would NOT stay home and take care of him.  We fought because I tried to get her to stay home and she didn't want to do it.  THEN.....the first disagreement we had once she hit 18, she moved out and used my grandson as a pawn (a behavior she still uses to this day). If she was made at me, I didn't get to see him. Eventually, I had to pacify and please her to see him. He is now 4yrs, and throughout these 4 years, whenever she's mad at me, I don't get to see him. He and I are very close and she doesn't seem to understand it is him that's suffering.  Instead, she only sees that she is "punishing" me. 

  

The current issue, is that she had been letting the 4yr old co-sleep with her most of his life. She now has a boyfriend who is very manipulative, and she doesn't "like" him (so she tells me), but she is sleeping with the guy because he pays her bills. She refuses to get a job. Her younger son who is 23mos. (who use to be joined at the hip with her) has also been pushed aside because her boyfriend has a 2yr old daughter whom she treats like royalty (to please the boyfriend).  My grandson has told me numerous times: "Mommy likes xxx better than me" (xxx=boyfriend's daughter). 

  

She moved the kids into a smaller trailer (but with more bedrooms) so her friend (a girl) could move in and pay half the rent. Her boyfriend pays the other half.  My 4yr old grandson has suddenly been "dumped" out of her room and into his own room at the new trailer and he is absolutely petrified!  He has been begging to stay at my house, and when she comes to get him, he sobs and pleads and begs me not to make him go home. When he gets home, she lets him call me, and we spend 40 minutes (at least) with him totally sobbing, begging me to come get him.  His younger brother (who use to go to bed first), now stays awake while he's put into the dark room by himself and told it's bedtime while he screams hysterically that he's scared.  He tells me he knows his "Mommy doesn't like him anymore" which is how he seems to be feeling.  The younger son is permitted to take his toys, hit him, bite him, etc and he's not allowed to do anything about it.  When he tries to say anything to his mother about his brother (taking his toys or doing anything), she tells him "Be quiet, that's not nice!" or "I don't want to hear it".  He's not even permitted to say anything.  Now the new 2yr old daughter of the boyfriend even gets to sleep in my daughter's room, while my 4yr old grandson screams hysterically. 

  

I can't do a thing about it, because the minute I say anything to my daughter she says she "doesn't want to hear it", and will do the opposite.  She's 21 and still rebelling it seems.  There have been different guys in her life, and while she would date them, she always left my grandson with me, night after night when he was 2, 3, etc.  Now, her new live-in boyfriend manipulates her, calls her names, has hit the roomate, etc, and she won't throw him out because she needs his money.  No one can even suggest anything about her parenting though, because the first thing she says is "I know I'm an excellent mother and I'm not doing anything wrong!".   

  

My older grandson is in sheer terror because of the way she's handling the sudden sleeping in his room....not to mention she just moved into this trailer two weeks ago, and it's a new room that he's not familiar with, and she suddenly wants him to sleep alone for the first time in a room he's afraid of, while his brother now is permitted to stay awake.  She ran out of fuel on Thursday, so he slept at my house from Thursday through Sunday nights, and today he begged and begged me to pick him up from school so he didn't have to go home.  She came here for awhile this afternoon and when she tried to leave, he had a "meltdown" and refused to leave, ran and hid and then hung on my leg.  

  

Of course I reinforced what she said, (her telling him it was time to go).  I "back her up" in front of him, but I'm just physically sick over seeing this poor baby pushed aside for her selfish reasons to begin with, and now shoved into another room because she's sleeping with a guy she hates for his money.  I don't even know what to say to my grandson anymore because he begs me (and I means begs, pleads, sobs, cries, etc), to "Come get him", "Don't make him stay there", "Let him sleep at my house", etc.  I'm sure there's a better way to wean him to his own room....but she won't hear anything from anyone about it!  It's her way or no way, no matter what effect it has on him and his well-being. 

  

From the time his younger brother was born, he was pushed aside and has always been treated second rate.  Now that my daughter has a boyfriend with money, that's become her "goal in life"...to please the boyfriend, even at her son's expenses (both sons).  I have left out a whole lot more info and other things she's doing to and with the kids, but it would take too long to put it all here.  She never hits them or swears at them, etc....she's just so caught up in herself and her own self-centered needs that she can't/won't see what she's doing.  She was almost evicted last month because she has no income at all.  She absolutely refuses to work....she expects everyone to take care of her and support her.  However she will insist to anyone and everyone that she is mature, responsible, and independant (which is far from the truth). 

  

There's much more to this, but it would take too long to type it all.  She's done soooooo much *to* me, and against me, etc, but I have to tolerate it and not say anything to her, or I don't get to see my grandson.   Then, if I don't want to give her money, she tells me I'm suppose to start being a mother to her!!!   

  

I know there really isn't anything I can do for my grandson (because the first thing she'll do is forbid me to see him), but how can I handle this for myself?  I am so upset over this that I'm sick everyday.  This poor baby is begging for help and I can't do a thing to help him.   

  

Suggestions? 

  

  At this time we have not had the conversation of adoption!  Theres so much to this story its just unbelievable...Makes me wonder alot these days and when I read and see just how many of us grandparents are doing the raising of our grandchildren it just breaks my heart!   

  Although for our grandaughters sake and well being this is truly whats best for her.  I have many times thought my daughter would pop out of her world and become the mother she needs to be but I see that never happening.  I have kept a journal on both my daughter and granddaughter from the day this little girl was born.  In the begining of this journal I state that this journal is being kept for future references to the minor child.  My daughter knows I keep this journal and has asked me if I was ever going to let our granddaughter read it...I have told her "yes" I will not lie to her now nor will I lie to her in her future.  We have sole custody of our granddaughter and there were things put on our daughter like a "parenting class" & "anger management class"  she has completed her anger mgnt with lies and still to this day has not even looked into parenting!  she has never bought her daughter a gift of piece of clothing unless its a birthday..Sad but so true!  But again!  Shes the ""best mommy""  ever in her eyes!  I cant tell you how many times Ive cried over this!! 

Have you thought about trying for custody?  When we filed for custody our daughter looked at us like it was never gonna happen.  BUT!!!  The proof was right there in front of her in black and white.  By the way...putting these things (truth) on paper for the courts is not a fun thing as all involved sometimes just dont like the truth.  I want to wish you good luck and plenty of strength through your journey.  For his sake you might want to get that custody and put the shoe on the other foot.  YOUR DAUGHTER wont like you until she does realize this was truly the best...who cares!  Its in the best intrest of an innocent child!  He did not ask for the parents hes gotten!  Help him!