Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

First...I want to applaud all of you for the love and commitment that you show your grandchildren and children. I need to ask all of you for advice on a reverse role scenario! My parents helped me raise my son from the first weeks of his life. I was there everyday, serving my country and being his mother. While the time was not divided very evenly, I did the best that I could carrying the load of both motherhood and service member. I had to sacrifice 1 and 1/2 years due to uncontrollable orders that did not give him the lifestyle that I thought he deserved, but I feel as if that was the best decision at the time. My question for all of you is...It has been 10 years since the wonderful day I gave birth to my first son. I now have three sons, a wonderful husband, and a life full of new military adventures. While the lifestyle is not rich and glamorous, we do okay; but not as well as my parents. My dilemma is that my son compares me to my parents on an everyday basis and is not happy. I allow my parents to have the summer months with him even though each year proves more and more damaging. This past summer was the worst! My father is now calling me telling me that I need to take my son to counseling because he does not feel as if he fits in. He feels as if he needs to move back to Arizona and live with them. Where on earth would he be getting this information if it was not from them?  I love all three of my sons with all my heart. I have sacrificed many things to make their lives happier, even though in the long run it takes a toll on me. What on earth do I need to do to have my parents back-off and let me raise my family? I am eternally grateful for the wonderful parents and grandparents that they are but I am 30 years old and the mother of three beautiful gifts and they do not respect that. They only see the one child and are obsessed that what I am doing is wrong. Am I? Am I really that terrible for needing the help of my parents at one point but not needing it now? Please help me find the words that I need to tell them and my son that I am an okay mother...even though I do not have all the material things that they have. Do you have any words of advice of encouragement as grandparents for a daughter who is trying with all her might to make it work?

Help me find the words please!

You are such a wonderful gran; they are very lucky to have you. I'm sure you are fulfilled, keep taking care of yourself so that you continue being are there for them. May I reccomend this page for inspiration? www.relationship-affairs.com/Grandparents.html

I have a grandmother who is 103 yrs old and i cherish every moment I get to spend with her. grandparents have so much to teach, so much to share and so much love to give!

My husband's scenario is a little bit different than those described here previously.  He was going through a painful divorce and bitter custody battle over his son (who at the time was not even 2 yrs old).  He asked his mother & stepfather to step in and help him get custody of his son.  His mother and him got joint custody with her being the primary conservator due to his job caused him to have shiftwork, lots of hours (trying to pay off the financial burden that was deemed his part in the divorce), and was a two parent household.  I met him a few months later and we dated for quite sometime.  His son called me "momma" on his own account and took to me like I was his real mother.  The question never arose and we didn't draw attention to it, but instead just let it pass like nothing out of the ordinary cause he didn't know any better & his biological mother shared no interest in him, but only to drugs & alcohol at that time.  My husband's parents continued for over a year trying to get my husband to allow them to adopt his son for the following reasons: 1. He would draw his grandfather's social security (about $800 something a month) to be put back towards school  and 2. so that they could obtain insurance through the grandmother's work which could only supposedly be obtained through him being "legally theirs" .  They also promised that my husband could have him back at any time he requested (legally readopt him) , he would be informed and consulted on any major decisions to be made, and that he would never be denied access or visitation or every being able to have his son for the day, weekend, etc.!  My husband and I went through about a four month period of not talking or being together while we were dating before we were married about three monts later when we reconciled. Now they have went back on all these promises and refused to give my husband back his son.  They say things like forget him, have another child, disappear out of his life, you can't see him more than we do, we are unfit parents for him, etc.  My husband's mother is on numerous psych meds and on FMLA to not have to work due to her fragile emotional state, but yet she is the primary caretaker of a now four year old? 

Usually the conversations end in a big blown up arguement or an outright attack on me.  I am the only outsider out of the blood boundaries in this situation so she blames everything on me to get my husband angered toward me to divide the "attacking force".  She constantly blames this and everything on me, has told my husband's son that he will be in big trouble if he calls me mommy, etc.  Dealing with her is a constant exhausting battle in itself.  She has a conversation and then 10 minutes later can't remember it cause of all the valium, wellbutrin, and other psych meds she takes numerous times throughout the day.  You might think I am exaggerating, but I promise you she is this way!  My husband's stepfather also refuses to give his son back cause "he took the easy way out", but they pressured him for over a year and when we weren't together, he finally gave in cause he knew he could get him back whenever he wanted as promised in the future.  This whole situation is tearing our whole family apart and has really tested our marriage.  You would think it would weaken it, but instead it has only strengthened it and deepened our desire to right this horrible wrong.

We sincerely appreciate what they have done for the son, but my husband wants him back as promised and now has to pay $5,000 just for the attorney retainer fee to get legal counsel to do anything.  This battle they estimate will cost double that and then probably some more.  This is not a matter of money but what is in the best interest of the child.  My husband and I are stable, fit, and deeply desiring his son's return.  His parents now practically refuse all contact with him and if we do get to see him then we have to beg for it and play by all their rules.  They love to change the rules midstream too.  The tension in the room when we are all in it is overwhelming.  They have to money just to throw into this lawsuit and say that they will exhaust every means available to keep him from getting his son.  The boy knows who his father is and that I am his stepmother, he knows he lives with his grandparents, but he has not came up with the question why yet.  We are quite fearful of what they might tell him because he was just trying to give his son a better life temporariliy while he got on his feet emotionally, physically, and financially after the divorce and couldn't provide insurance for the boy either which was much needed. 

We had him every other weekend before his school (daycare) was out for the summer like regular school then he came to live with us from late may to middle august, but going to see them on the weekends or at least 3-4 days out of the week.  We have had him every weekend since mid-august and he constantly cries, begs to stay and not go back to them, and for us to let him live with us.  The grandparents won't consider the idea and say we couldn't possibly know what was best for him or take care of him, but this is the same child we took care of for almost  three months day and night without any problems during the summer.

Basically I could go on and on, but this situation is just messed up.  I stand by my husband in whatever decision he makes and will support him in whatever he decides to do.  Like I said we are grateful for what they did, but want him back with us where he belongs.  We know this is going to be a long drawn out battle and our lawyer says we have an excellent shot at getting the adoption turned over due to the fraudulent promises that were made to obtain my husband's signature here in texas.  We will seek full custody and hope that is what the court feels is right as well.  We will forever be in debt to them for what they did and even promise to let the child visit them no matter what.  We believe in burying the hatchet and getting along for the child's sake, but not sugar coating it into believing we are one big happy family because they have burned one too many bridges. 

Please if there is anyone out there with advice, knowledge that could help us, or just comments then please send them our way.  We are living on prayer alone right now and trying desperately to come up with the money to progress further.  Like Dr. Phil said earlier we all need to put our agendas aside and do what is best in the interest of that little 4 yr old boy.  He is truly a wonder and a blessing regardless of how this turns out.  My husband sits awake and night and just worries himself constantly thinking that he may never get to be reunited with his son in the traditional sense.  He plays songs constantly that remind him of his son or the situation and it makes me so sad for him.  I can't imagine what he's going through with the loss, betrayal, upcoming battle, and feeling of guilt for causing all this turbulence in our lives.  I tell him I love him and this is for better or worse til death do us part.  Thanks to all of you who toughed it out and read all of this or provided any feedback in whatever capacity to us.  God bless you all and keep praying that this situation will work out for the best interest of the child no matter what happens to all of us.  Goodday!  Thanks again for listening well reading and bearing with us all.

Ladyjustice in texas looking for answers, help & advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, My name is Sheila and I am new to this message board.  First, a little about me. I am 35 yrs old, have 2 kids, 10 and almost 8. I am also a step-grandma to a 3 week old baby girl. Love my step-daughter, love the baby...no problems there. I live with my boyfriend of 9 yrs and I work full time in the health care field. 

My concern or issue is with my neighbor lady, Miss B.  Miss B. is a lovely lady who is close to 70 yrs young. She has recently gotten full guardianship of her 2 grandchildren. One girl, Kay 8 yrs old, and my friend Daniel, 7 yrs old. Both children have been through more in their short life, than most adults have been through in an entire lifetime. They lived with their Mom, who didn't want them , then they went with their Dad , who drank all the time. After that, they went to a foster home. While in the foster home, Miss B. (Grandma) proceeded with the custody and guardianship legalities.

Miss B. now has the children living with her full time, with no help and very few visitations from their Dad. Kay seems to be adjusting well to the living situation, school and making friends. Although there may be some underlying issues that have not surfaced as of yet.

My friend Daniel, however has a completely different story. He is an adorable child, however when people hear of the things he has done, they think he is the Devil himself.  He hates school, has no friends and throws the absolute worst temper tantrums you could imagine. He got a warning from the teacher, then sent to the office. He calls his teacher stupid, has hit and pushed the office lady. He told the principle that he was going to burn the school down. He didnt want to get off the bus on morning to go into the school, and the bus driver tried to get him and he kicked her in the face. The school is tired of dealing with this behavior and he has been suspended for 3 days out of school, hes been kicked off the bus numerous times, and now hes has to go to ALC (Alternative Learning Center) which means he sits at a desk all day outside of the principles office. THIS CHILD IS IN THE FIRST GRADE!!!!
Miss B.'s way of handling this behavior is to punish him by taking all his toys from him and he has to stand in the corner. Sometimes for hours on end.

The other day, Daniel got a green light, which means he had a good day and no warnings. He was so proud and we all told him he was great and we knew he could do it. The next morning at the bus stop, I gave my kids a kiss goodbye and Daniel came to me to tell me he got a green light the day before, He fell into my arms and I hugged like my own and kissed him on his head. This morning it was the same thing, he came to me and I hugged and kissed him again, and told him to do his best today.

My issue is, that I think the only attention Daniel gets is aggressive, hollering, punishment, from both the school and his Grandma. Please dont think I am bashing Miss B. Im not. I think it takes a great woman to raise 2 young grandkids on her own. She is also single, No Grandpa.

I think Daniel is a lost, sad and lonely child who is craving and begging for love and affection.  Miss B. has had so many problems with Daniel, that she has begun to take him to Mental Health to have him evaluated. He already sees a psychologist.

My question is how, if at all, can I suggest to Miss B. that Daniel needs extra love and less punishment and hollering. (Remember, I have 2 kids so I am not a saint parent) Please, though if anyone has any suggestions or comments, please to help me help my friend Daniel, Let me know. Thank you  Sheila

I have to totally disagree with what you are saying that it is the grandparents fault for how their children turned out. First many who are raising their grandchildren have more than one child. I have 2 children and 4 step children who grew up in my house. I am raising one grandchild. My oldest daughter is the biological mother. She made her own choices to run off and leave her child. I did not make her do any thing or did I cause her to act as she did. We can not hold our children's hand all through adulthood. Some just make very bad decisions and never look back and try to change them.  My other children are raising their children all on their own. So if they are OK why did one do the things she did? Because she cared more about the so called boyfriend and herself more than she cared about her own child. There is some people who are not parent material and they continue to have children and then want someone else to raise them.

If you have not been in our shoes then it is wrong to sit back and tell us it is our fault . Many of us did not up and say one day Hey I am going to raise my grandchild. Most of us got calls from the Department of children and families saying either you come get the grandchild or we will put them in foster care.Some had their children just up and leave their child without ever looking back. Many of us have tried hard to try to put our grandchildren and their parents back together but when it fails over and over we finally see we have to think about what is best for the child. I do not whine about how hard it is or do I complain. And yes when my granddaughter needed a stable home to be raised in I said yes I will do it. To talk with others who have been there done that can be a life line. We all still love our adult children. But when a situation happens and you find yourself  raising a grandchild it changes the family dynamics. I had to find a way to be a mom to my granddaughter while still being a mom to my daughter. For some it is easier than it is for others.Some find their selves in courts fighting for their grandchild so they do not loose them from the family completely. Sometimes the grandchild may be in a different state than you and when the government is involved and you are fighting hard not to loose them in the system you do get some bitter feelings toward your children who allowed this to happen to your innocent grandchild. That is what you are hearing when you say we are whining. It is frustration with the situation.

No one knows what their children or grandchildren will do in the future. All we can do is try to raise them to know right from wrong. We hope they chose the right way. If they don't we can not be blamed for their mistakes. I hope you will never have to face this situation. If you do I hope you will remember this message you wrote. You say it is human to make mistakes. Yes that is correct. But is it fair to make an innocent child pay for their mistakes?

You know it is easy to sit back and tell someone everything their children do and has done is their fault. But do not assume you know why those of us who made hard decisions to parent again.

Now that is a thought for you HUH?

a grand who did what she did for her grandchild

http://www.recoveryhappens.com/book.html