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Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:10 pm
Author : dataimport
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Share your advice, support and stories here.

 
sandman1053
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July 3, 2007, 1:37 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: drillsarge

    You sound like a sound, well adjusted grammy who loves her grandbaby to pieces.

 

    It is very fortunate that you and the grandchild are buddies.  It is also very fortunate that your daughter has learned to say no to drugs. 

 

    I feel that it is important for your grandbaby to be with her mother for everyone's sake including your own.  You say you will miss the child and that is believable but there is a lot more to it than that.  Your turning her over to her mother may be just what it takes to keep her off of drugs in case of a weak moment.  Your refusing to let her go could be one of those weak moments.  Who knows ?  I wrote another script about grandchildren raised by grandparents that explains my other reasoning.  Another thing, is your ages.  When she is 18 you will be 76 (if you make it) and 76 is no age to be worrying about a teen ager.  What about college and costs to raise her.

 

    My opinion is that mommie should get her child.  I would set up some visitations and prepare the child and yourself for the return.  When you are comfortable that things will go well, do it.

Just think, you can sleep late, go when you want to and not when you don't want to.  All that fun stuff, just different fun stuff.  Surely, they will come visit you or you can go see them.  when the return is made I suggest you let the child go, if you know what I mean.  You can still be her buddy but not in charge any more.

My opinion is that you should do what is best for the granddaughter.  I myself have adopted my 5 year old granddaughte because my daughter is a drug addict.  I feel that the children deserve a stable and loving home.  I also feel that a child is not a possesion that you can take and leave as you please.  It sounds like your granddaughter has bonded with you and has chosen you as a parent.  I feel that it is wrong for the parents to just come back whenever they please and rip a child from the home that they have come to know as "home" just because they are clean at the moment and decide to play mom or dad again.  On top of that with any addiction the relapse rate is high so who is to say that they will not relapse and the child will go through trama again.
 
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lust4life
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July 10, 2007, 2:17 pm PDT

Need advice for ending this balancing act!!!..of gparents & parents

I'll try to keep this as short & to the point as possible, although I know it will be hard to do so because it is very complicated.

*Please do not get me wrong through all of this. I love my grandparents, my mom, & my stepfather unconditionally. This is my story:

 

It all began 16 years ago when my biological father was arrested for physically abusing my mom & consequently, she left him. Then, the three of us (mom, my younger brother, myself) moved in with my grandparents. We would live there for 9 years. During this time, especially in my younger years, I would rarely see my mother. This is where stories start to differ(iow someone's lies). My mom claims she was working all the time & would go out occasionally on weekends. My grandparents claim she was out for weeks at a time(they wouldn't know where she was) & would only work on the weekends. Anyway, as you can see there was a lot of resentment in the house towards my mother & as a result I grew to hate my mom & resent her as well.

My grandparents pretty much raised me during those years(from what I can remember) along with some assistance from my mother. I am very grateful for all of them giving what they gave, and dealing with me through those times. Having witnessed abuse first-hand, I was nothing short of a handful with my out of control emotions. My mom got a new boyfriend, and for 4 years he lived within my grandparents' household as well(by this time everyone had decent full time jobs). Here's another difference of stories. My grandparents say they never paid rent or anything, while my mom & stepdad say they did(very little b/c they were trying to save for a house) & also paid completely for the 2 car garage/shed to repay them.

Finally, my mom & stepdad had enough money to move out & did when I was 13. Again, my grandparents' resentment towards my mother had rubbed off on me making me hate her for moving out of the house. Even after my mom, stepdad, and brother had moved out I stayed with my grandparents for 3 weeks.

I moved in with them for almost all of my high school years, & thought I hated it. Looking back now I didn't have it all that bad. I rebelled every chance I got. I was ungrateful & spiteful, but only towards my mother & stepdad, which would make my grandparents laugh. My mother I think realized this, and  became very resentful & angry with my grandparents. I thought my mom owed me everything, since she wasn't around that much when I was younger. I thought so many awfully mean things.

The summer after my first year at college I finally stepped over the line with everyone. I had failed many classes(to spite my mother for not paying all of my tuition), and was partying(self-medicating) a lot. My mom & stepdad tried to set up boundaries(curfew) which I broke & was kicked out of their house. My grandparents hate drinking(it's against their religion) and unhappily agreed to take me in. I did not re apply to go back to college & ended up jobless come school time due to the camp where I worked at closing down. My boyfriend of that time dumped me. I was worthless, & the rest of the world was letting me know it.

It was at this time I guess you can say I hit rock bottom. I woke up one day at 1 pm, depressed as usual(for that time & earlier years) & decided I hated life, and needed to figure out why I was such a worthless human being with all this rebellious rage inside of me.

So to save you some reading, I re-examined a lot, got a job, applied for a Com. College, got a new (incredible)boyfriend and still failed. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't move on.

So here's where I need the ADVICE:

My mom still resents/dislikes my grandparents & my grandparents still resent/dislike my mom. Thankfully now I am neutral & non-judgmental towards the both of them, BUT I am always put in the middle or made to feel guilty about hanging around one group more than the other. It drives me CRAZY!! I know they both still care about each other b/c they will cry to me about how they wish the other group had been different. I want them to grow as much as I did...or even just forgive and forget and ACCEPT. All of them would be happier, and so would I!!! It has become a game of just avoiding both groups so I can focus more on myself and not fight an uphill battle to make them stop this pointless one-up-manship. After all, I'd still love to spend as much time with all of them as possible (I'm 19 & will be moving out in the next couple of years) without all this anger and spite between everyone. (Trust me it's almost unbearable.) How do I help them & myself at the same time without falling apart??? Thank you for taking the hour to read all this. lol. & PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ADVICE!!

 

 
 
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met70003
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July 11, 2007, 10:59 pm PDT

what is thr right thing to do?

  I have a sister who is 27.She has given birth to7 children in 11 years.My parents(whom are both in their early fifties) have been raising her oldest child,now 11yrs old,since he was 6 weeks old.She was 16 when she had him.Since then,she has been married,and had 2 children from that marriage.They divorced ,and my aunt has been raising those 2 children ever since.The father wants nothing to do with them.(ages 7 and 9.)Then she had a one night stand,became pregnant,and could never track down the father.She meets some guy who she moves in with and he raises the child as his own.During the next 4 years she and her boyfriend have 3 children together.He leaves her while she is pregnant with the youngest one,now 11 months old.He has refused to see his children fot the past 11 months and has had no desire to.All of a sudden my mother gets a phone call from my sister saying"I do not want the kide,pick them up or they will stay at day care." That was 3 weeks ago,my brother 1 of the children,and my parents have the other 3. Ages 5,2,11 months.I know emotionally and financially they can not do this.They have it hard enough with her 11 year old that they raise as their own. My sister has decided she wants to sign her rights away,so child protection notified the father of the 3 children that they have together and he also wants to sign his rights away.My parents will not allow the children to be put in foster care.I went to their house today and saw a voucher for clothes for the children from a church.So,knowing all that I have told,my question is this:I have 4 children of my own,ages 13 to 3.Should I take one of these children so my parents wouldnt have it so rough?I think about it everyday and dont know what to do.
 
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ccrump_98
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July 16, 2007, 5:29 am PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: sandman1053

My opinion is that you should do what is best for the granddaughter.  I myself have adopted my 5 year old granddaughte because my daughter is a drug addict.  I feel that the children deserve a stable and loving home.  I also feel that a child is not a possesion that you can take and leave as you please.  It sounds like your granddaughter has bonded with you and has chosen you as a parent.  I feel that it is wrong for the parents to just come back whenever they please and rip a child from the home that they have come to know as "home" just because they are clean at the moment and decide to play mom or dad again.  On top of that with any addiction the relapse rate is high so who is to say that they will not relapse and the child will go through trama again.
I agree. I am a grandmother trying to adopt my ADHD/ODD 9 year old grandchild. My daughter never had a drug problem but she physically aboused the child and left her in the care of people that taught her very sexually explicit things. After almost two years with us she is a different child and we don't want her to revert back to how she was. My daughter is a manipulator that wants to come and go as she pleases. Fortunatly, I'm in my early fifties and healthy enough to raise this active child. These anti-grandparent people need to put themselves in our shoes. Most grandparents do NOT set out to disrupt their lifestyle to start raising a child again. I myself would have rather been using my money to pay off bills and travel. It is an act of love to disregard all of that for the welfare of your grandchild. If we didn't care about our daughter we wouldn't consider raising her child. But we cannot and should not allow her to continue to disrupt our lives and treat her child like a posssesion that can also be used to illicit sympathy from us whenever she wants something from us mom is almost 28). Children with my grandaughter's issues need stability lest they end up in the juvenile system and/or a ward of the state. Then everyone loses.
 
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ccrump_98
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July 16, 2007, 10:25 am PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: findbalance

Hi, Im new to this, just trying to find people in the same situation as us that understand.  My husband and I are raising our 2 granddaughters aged 7 and 2.  Mom is a drug user.  In October of 06 we removed the children for their own safety.  We stood by Mom and tried to help but in January of 07 she disappeared, stopped calling and stopped coming to see the kids.  I find this whole process so frustrating.  Because she is of legal age and did not leave the children in a dangerous situation she has not broken any laws.  Why has she not broken any laws?? Where is the accountability for bringing these beautiful children into this world and then just walking out on them?? I don''t understand it.  Is it not a crime to completely abandon your children and destroy lives???

Yes, the legal system really stinks. Grandparents that step in are looked down upon and don't have any rights. The Dept of Children's Services tends to put band aids on gaping wounds since they are so overworked. You should consult an attorney and see if you can seek legal custody in Juvenile Court. It's really hard to get medical care or make educational decisions for grandchildren that you at least don't have a Power of Attorney for. Any grandparent such as yourself should be commended from stepping in and trying to do the right thing.
 
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momof4gmaof4
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July 16, 2007, 7:40 pm PDT

I totally agree.

Quote From: ccrump_98

I agree. I am a grandmother trying to adopt my ADHD/ODD 9 year old grandchild. My daughter never had a drug problem but she physically aboused the child and left her in the care of people that taught her very sexually explicit things. After almost two years with us she is a different child and we don't want her to revert back to how she was. My daughter is a manipulator that wants to come and go as she pleases. Fortunatly, I'm in my early fifties and healthy enough to raise this active child. These anti-grandparent people need to put themselves in our shoes. Most grandparents do NOT set out to disrupt their lifestyle to start raising a child again. I myself would have rather been using my money to pay off bills and travel. It is an act of love to disregard all of that for the welfare of your grandchild. If we didn't care about our daughter we wouldn't consider raising her child. But we cannot and should not allow her to continue to disrupt our lives and treat her child like a posssesion that can also be used to illicit sympathy from us whenever she wants something from us mom is almost 28). Children with my grandaughter's issues need stability lest they end up in the juvenile system and/or a ward of the state. Then everyone loses.
I am a grandmother of 2. My 23 year old has a 3 & 4 year old who don't know thier ABC's or numbers. They aren't even potty trained. She tries to guilt me. My husband and I are only 42 and 43 but both disabled & cannot physically or financially do it, we have 2 children at home that we are still trying to raise. They are homeless as far as I know right now and her dad & stepmom are healthy and active, and more than willing to keep them unless or until our daughter can provide stability. She won't let him because she is scared he won't ever give them back. My daughter's husband can't hold a job to save his life. Here is the cherry on top, she is pregnant! She had a job but she gets hyperemisis so badly she can't work while she is so sick. My heart breaks for those kids. I love my daughter to death but she does not make good choices. They spend every dime they do get on junk.  She had section 8 housing and lost it for not following the rules by letting someone live with her that wasn't on her housing or the lease, then she got a place to rent & was evicted for the exact same thing. My hands are tied. Her aunt wants the baby she is carrying but my daughter says if she put it up for adoption she doesn't think she could handle keeping it in the family. I guess she would just rather not know about it's future than to see it doing well within the family! I don't understand. I STAND AND APPLAUD grandparents who are able to step up to the task, regardless of what they have to do without! I do think it is sad that it is common that children are being raised by thier grandparents, but I thank God for those who can. It breaks my heart every day that I can't. She like others have said hasn't broken any laws so what can you do?!?! 
 
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ccrump_98
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July 17, 2007, 8:41 am PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: momof4gmaof4

I am a grandmother of 2. My 23 year old has a 3 & 4 year old who don't know thier ABC's or numbers. They aren't even potty trained. She tries to guilt me. My husband and I are only 42 and 43 but both disabled & cannot physically or financially do it, we have 2 children at home that we are still trying to raise. They are homeless as far as I know right now and her dad & stepmom are healthy and active, and more than willing to keep them unless or until our daughter can provide stability. She won't let him because she is scared he won't ever give them back. My daughter's husband can't hold a job to save his life. Here is the cherry on top, she is pregnant! She had a job but she gets hyperemisis so badly she can't work while she is so sick. My heart breaks for those kids. I love my daughter to death but she does not make good choices. They spend every dime they do get on junk.  She had section 8 housing and lost it for not following the rules by letting someone live with her that wasn't on her housing or the lease, then she got a place to rent & was evicted for the exact same thing. My hands are tied. Her aunt wants the baby she is carrying but my daughter says if she put it up for adoption she doesn't think she could handle keeping it in the family. I guess she would just rather not know about it's future than to see it doing well within the family! I don't understand. I STAND AND APPLAUD grandparents who are able to step up to the task, regardless of what they have to do without! I do think it is sad that it is common that children are being raised by thier grandparents, but I thank God for those who can. It breaks my heart every day that I can't. She like others have said hasn't broken any laws so what can you do?!?! 
Well, if you are up to the task, you can allege physical abuse and try to get legal custody. My daughter did things similar to yours. She has a few misdemeanors on her record. She also got booted from section 8 housing. The last time she was out of a job and about to get evicted, it PAINED me not to give her any money. When would she stand on her own two feet? She left home a couple of months before her 18th birthday and I BEGGED her not to. Now she tells people that I threw her out. She doesn't seem to understand that if you leave home at 18 to move in with trash, you are saying that you no longer require the guidance of your parents. But she seems to think that I am obligated to support whatever poor choices she cares to make. She stays clean just long enough to convince everyone that she is finally getting it. But if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. In my daughter's case, it shouldn't take getting arrested for child abuse before she finally decides that she wants to be a mother to her child. The only wise decision she made was to take my advice and get a tubal ligation thank heavens! Thanks for your support and I wish you well. I know that it can be frustrating.
 
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ccrump_98
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July 17, 2007, 10:21 am PDT

Should you take one of the kids?

Quote From: met70003

  I have a sister who is 27.She has given birth to7 children in 11 years.My parents(whom are both in their early fifties) have been raising her oldest child,now 11yrs old,since he was 6 weeks old.She was 16 when she had him.Since then,she has been married,and had 2 children from that marriage.They divorced ,and my aunt has been raising those 2 children ever since.The father wants nothing to do with them.(ages 7 and 9.)Then she had a one night stand,became pregnant,and could never track down the father.She meets some guy who she moves in with and he raises the child as his own.During the next 4 years she and her boyfriend have 3 children together.He leaves her while she is pregnant with the youngest one,now 11 months old.He has refused to see his children fot the past 11 months and has had no desire to.All of a sudden my mother gets a phone call from my sister saying"I do not want the kide,pick them up or they will stay at day care." That was 3 weeks ago,my brother 1 of the children,and my parents have the other 3. Ages 5,2,11 months.I know emotionally and financially they can not do this.They have it hard enough with her 11 year old that they raise as their own. My sister has decided she wants to sign her rights away,so child protection notified the father of the 3 children that they have together and he also wants to sign his rights away.My parents will not allow the children to be put in foster care.I went to their house today and saw a voucher for clothes for the children from a church.So,knowing all that I have told,my question is this:I have 4 children of my own,ages 13 to 3.Should I take one of these children so my parents wouldnt have it so rough?I think about it everyday and dont know what to do.

You might talk with the Dept of Children's services in your area to see if they have a Relative Caregiver Program. This is where a relative is a foster parent and you might be able to get some assistance.
 
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leonabuk
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July 25, 2007, 2:55 pm PDT

help with what to do with situation

My son and daughter in law and my 2 small grandsons live with me.  My son and his wife split up, my son moved in with me with the grandsons, met another woman and moved in with her and her mother. She also had a small child. Soon my son came home, grandsons had been emotionally abused. Regressed and had major behavior issues. Worked with them for many months and they had recovered pretty good. Son left for job out of state, got back with wife, moved back in with me. Was doing great at first but now have found out they are smoking pot. They cannot afford anything let alone spending money on drugs! They love their sons, would not give them to me, except to raise while they go get themselves together. 

What should I do!! My husband is stationed in germany. I really don't want to raise them but of course will do what I have to do. My son will not promise to stop smoking pot and even denies it. Yet he refuses to take a drug test.

Help! Anyone out there with experience with this kind of problem? 
 
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pamwells07
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August 6, 2007, 12:45 pm PDT

ADOPTING GRANDCHILDREN

 MY HUSBAND AND I ADOPTED MY GRANDDAUGHTER THIS YEAR WE HAVE HAD HER SINCE SHE WAS ONE YEAR OLD SHE WILL BE THREE IN OCTOBER. IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT TIMES OF MY LIFE. I HELPED TO DELIVER HER AND WATCHED AS I SAW HER BEING NEGLECTED AND LEFT TO DEFEND FOR HERSELF AT BIRTH. I WOULD CALL DCS EVERY OTHER DAY FOR A YEAR WITH NO RESULTS. MY MOTHER AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP ONE FRIDAY MORNING FOR THE WEEKEND,WHEN WE ARRIVED THE OLDER HALF BROTHER ANSWERED THE DOOR. TO OUR ASTONISHMENT THE BABIES WERE IN A ROOM IN THE FLOOR NO CLOTHES ON IN A PILE OF FILTH. THE MOTHER WAS IN ANOTHER BEDROOM IN BED WITH SOME MAN SOUND ASLEEP AND NEVER NEW WE WERE IN THE APARTMENT. SHE IS ONLY 8 MONTHS OLD AT THIS TIME. I FINALLY GOT EMERGENCY CUSTODY WHEN THEY TURNED OFF THEIR POWER AND WATER. I NEVER TOOK HER BACK. I;M 50 AND STARTING OVER AGAIN.I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY I ONCE HAD OR THE FINANCES, BUT SOMEHOW WE;LL MAKE DO. IF THERE;S A WILL THERE;S A WAY. DON;T COUNT ON DCS TO HELP YOU , BUT JUST KEEP CALLING . ALSO TAKE PICTURES,PICTURES PICTURES. THAT IS WHAT SAVED ME FROM HAVING TO TAKE HER BACK INTO A SITUATION THAT WOULD HAVED RUINED HER LIFE.

                                                                            GOOD LUCK TO ALL GRANDPARENTS IN THIS SITUATION.
 
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