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Topic : Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:10 pm
Author : dataimport
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Share your advice, support and stories here.

 
hilbillygirl
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April 8, 2008, 5:59 pm PDT

looking for some guidance

My daughter  lost her 4 minor children January 5, 2007 (on her 30th birthday) after relocating from Michigan to Kentucky. There were several allegations against her & her husband and have been several more since the children were removed from her home. The children are still in foster care. The state is trying to terminate her parental rights. My sister, my niece and I have all offered to take the children which would not be living together but at least in the care of biological family. There have been many postponements, papers being filed late or not at all. The Judge has warned the State of Kentucky that they would be in contempt if certain things were not done and in a timely fashion, but apparently to no avail. The most recent court date was April 7, when the decision was to be made whether to reunite the family, or terminate the parental rights and put the boys up for adoption.  Because one of the doctors only just filed his papers that morning there has been another postponement until November. There was another court date before this one in February which was postponed until April 7.The case worker for the state finally after a year and a half contacted my sister to discuss the matter, and was very discouraging stating that all 4 of the children were special needs, with the three oldest needing ongoing therapy, that 2 have glasses and have had extensive dental work. We knew that these children could not be going through what they have gone through for the last year and a half and not need therapy, and what children don’t need frequent dental visits or visits to the eye doctor? This does not sound like someone who is making every effort to minimize the trauma of being separated form your parents and having your family ripped apart. When I relayed this to my daughter she stated that the State is hurting for money and they make money if they can place the children in state. My daughter also stated that her case worker disclosed to her that they reviewed her own records from her childhood and found me to be unsuitable to take one of the children. When my daughter was approximately 9 or 10 years old she was diagnosed with a mental illness called cyclothymia, which is a mood disorder. Yes we had many dealings with child protective services due to things that my daughter said & did. She also accused my husband at the time of sexually molesting her and then recanted her story . When asked why she would say such a thing she said " when i'm good I dont get any attention. but when I'm bad I get all the attentino I want".She ran away many many times and through all of that I managed to raise her and her brother who was blind from birth the best I could providing a roof over their heads and putting food on the table, going to school meetings, and trying to make their family life a positive experience. I completed a cosmetology course and became a licensed hairdresser in an effort to get off of public assistance and make a better life for myself and my kids. I was never prosecuted for child abuse or neglect in fact each and every day that child protective services was on my doorstep they were welcomed into my home. I went to counseling as they suggested and my children were never once taken away from me. I ask my daughter & her husband what the real story is and they claim that their state appointed attorney does not tell them much and they don’t know what’s happening themselves. When my sister was talking to the social worker she came out and asked her “what have they done that was so horrible that you want to take away their children"? and was told that my daughter would have to sign a release form in order for her to discuss it.  I do not have the resources to hire an attorney myself or even make frequent trips to Kentucky. I don’t know where to turn for help. I so desperately need to try to keep these 4 babies in my family and see that they have a better shot at a happy life than they have had thus far. i am looking for anyone to suggest where I should start. I am in Michigan and the children are in Kentucky. I work an 8-5 Job full time as onlne banking tech support I would welcome any suggestions.
 
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aborseth

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May 8, 2008, 1:28 pm PDT

taking my grandchildren to another state

My husband and I have had custody of my daughters 3 children for almost 2 years but they have lived with us for 3 years.  The parents live close but see them rarely.  They are 5, 4 and 3.  My husband is in the Air Force and we have orders to move to another state.  I guess I am concerned that we are making a mistake to take them away from their  extended family.  They see their other grandparents almost every weekend.  The eldest already has some issues about feeling deserted by her parents and I don't want to do anything to mess them up even more, but the other grandparents think we are doing the right thing by taking the away from here for  a while.  When their parents do see them they make promises that they will take them back but of course that never happens.  We did not take them from their parents, they gave them to us because they are always fighting and are not willing to take care of them the way they should be cared for. Anyone out there in the same situation?  Any input would be appreciated
 
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lcsweetpea23
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May 11, 2008, 6:58 pm PDT

Custody of Grandchildren

Hello I hope that I will receive some information from people on this subject..  I have adopted one of my grandchildren.  I have 4 more that are in Foster care or in Custody over in West Virginia.  To get a lawyer to go over to WV and fight it will cost around 10000 dollars.  The courts over there said that I have no rights as a grandparent.  They came to my house and checked it out and everything was ok.   The only reason why they will not let me have my grandchildren is because I live in Virginia and they want the money in WV.  If any one is going through something similar to this please email me back.  I have cried and even thought that I was a bad mom and grandmom because of it..  Thank You
 
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lcsweetpea23
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May 11, 2008, 7:06 pm PDT

my grandchildren

Quote From: hilbillygirl

My daughter  lost her 4 minor children January 5, 2007 (on her 30th birthday) after relocating from Michigan to Kentucky. There were several allegations against her & her husband and have been several more since the children were removed from her home. The children are still in foster care. The state is trying to terminate her parental rights. My sister, my niece and I have all offered to take the children which would not be living together but at least in the care of biological family. There have been many postponements, papers being filed late or not at all. The Judge has warned the State of Kentucky that they would be in contempt if certain things were not done and in a timely fashion, but apparently to no avail. The most recent court date was April 7, when the decision was to be made whether to reunite the family, or terminate the parental rights and put the boys up for adoption.  Because one of the doctors only just filed his papers that morning there has been another postponement until November. There was another court date before this one in February which was postponed until April 7.The case worker for the state finally after a year and a half contacted my sister to discuss the matter, and was very discouraging stating that all 4 of the children were special needs, with the three oldest needing ongoing therapy, that 2 have glasses and have had extensive dental work. We knew that these children could not be going through what they have gone through for the last year and a half and not need therapy, and what children dont need frequent dental visits or visits to the eye doctor? This does not sound like someone who is making every effort to minimize the trauma of being separated form your parents and having your family ripped apart. When I relayed this to my daughter she stated that the State is hurting for money and they make money if they can place the children in state. My daughter also stated that her case worker disclosed to her that they reviewed her own records from her childhood and found me to be unsuitable to take one of the children. When my daughter was approximately 9 or 10 years old she was diagnosed with a mental illness called cyclothymia, which is a mood disorder. Yes we had many dealings with child protective services due to things that my daughter said & did. She also accused my husband at the time of sexually molesting her and then recanted her story . When asked why she would say such a thing she said " when i'm good I dont get any attention. but when I'm bad I get all the attentino I want".She ran away many many times and through all of that I managed to raise her and her brother who was blind from birth the best I could providing a roof over their heads and putting food on the table, going to school meetings, and trying to make their family life a positive experience. I completed a cosmetology course and became a licensed hairdresser in an effort to get off of public assistance and make a better life for myself and my kids. I was never prosecuted for child abuse or neglect in fact each and every day that child protective services was on my doorstep they were welcomed into my home. I went to counseling as they suggested and my children were never once taken away from me. I ask my daughter & her husband what the real story is and they claim that their state appointed attorney does not tell them much and they dont know whats happening themselves. When my sister was talking to the social worker she came out and asked her what have they done that was so horrible that you want to take away their children"? and was told that my daughter would have to sign a release form in order for her to discuss it.  I do not have the resources to hire an attorney myself or even make frequent trips to Kentucky. I dont know where to turn for help. I so desperately need to try to keep these 4 babies in my family and see that they have a better shot at a happy life than they have had thus far. i am looking for anyone to suggest where I should start. I am in Michigan and the children are in Kentucky. I work an 8-5 Job full time as onlne banking tech support I would welcome any suggestions.

hello I live in Virginia I have 4 grandchildren in Foster care in West Virginia they tell me that I have no rights them because of where I live and that I should not want to see them.  I am in the same boat I cant afford a lawyer to go over and fight in the state of West Virginia. I wrote to Dr Phil and I hope he will do a show on this concern.  They are keeping these babies from me because of where I live.  Also,  the 2 boys were taken in april of 20065in May of 2006 she had a baby girl social services came from West Virginia and picked the baby up out of the hospital in Virginia.  She had another baby in August of 2008 they did the same thing again If you can help in any way please let me know and I will do the same.

Desparate in Virginia
 
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lcsweetpea23
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May 12, 2008, 6:21 am PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: ccrump_98

You might talk with the Dept of Children's services in your area to see if they have a Relative Caregiver Program. This is where a relative is a foster parent and you might be able to get some assistance.
I dont know you an I hope I can help in the situation a little.  I have 4 grandchildren 3 my daughters mother in law have.  One of the children is still in foster care.  My daughter had another child in 99 which I adopted.  I admire your mom and dad to take them to keep them out of the system of the state.  It hurts every day that I cannot see my grandchildren or be with them.  I live in Virginia they were taken in West Virginia.  That is there excuse that I cannnot have them. I know you have 4 help as much as you can God will reward you in the end if not down here up in heaven.
 
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lcsweetpea23
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May 12, 2008, 6:33 am PDT

grandmother/mother

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We are in a similar situation, however, our grandson ("son") is our only grandchild and we adopted him when he was about 3, but has always been in our home and had legal custody when he was less than a yr old.  He is now just 6 and has asked about his mom, which is our daughter and who his mom is, whose belly he was in.  We have been truthful to him in words that he can understand that our daugher was his birthmom, but was not able to take care of him, so we adopted him and are now his mom and dad.  I think because of his young age, he was very accepting of it, and I am not sure really understands it all but as time goes on and more quetions are asked, he will be more acceptable and understanding of the situation.  We will never talk bad about her to him, just explain she could not be a mother, and he was loved so much by both her and us.  The situation is less than ideal for any child to have to go through, but glad we could be mom and dad and with the least disruption possible.  I think the best answer needs to be honest and simple and age appropriate.  Always answer the questions the best you can and the child can grow up with the knowledge and understanding hopefully to follow.
Hello,  I am a grandmother I adopted my son when he was 3 he is 9 now.  When I got him I was diagnosis ed with crohn's disease they let me adopt him anyway.  I do not regret a minute of it.  It has been over whelming but I know God gave that little boy to me to keep me alive.  Always be thankful that you have them.  I have 4 grand children in foster care now same (daughter as my son) and West Virginia says I have know rights to them.  I would take them in a heart beat if West Virginia would turn them over to me in Virginia.
 
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ssmale
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May 25, 2008, 5:10 pm PDT

My x-wife does not have any rules at her house

My x-wife does not have any rules at her house and my son turned 16 this month. We have been seperated since 10-03. We have actually never went to court and made official on paper as far as are divorce. I think the reason is why,  evrything was working out fine and we were being civil to each other. My son started his freshman year this year and failed every class 1st and 2nd semester. The tension buil as time went on between us and I was the only one that was talking to teachers and paying attention to his attendance. Well in April he had to go to court for Truency. My son was angry about going to court. When I told the judge that he did not have any respect for any my authority or anyone elses. He got so angry he stopped talking to me. He then told me that he was going to live with his Mother. Before that we would trade every other week on Sunday nights. Now that he is at his mom's he will not talk to me at all. When I call and he is there he just picks up the phone and hangs up on me. His Mother seems not to have any problems with his actions. When he went to juvinelle hall for an assement he told them that his curfew after school was 10 pm at his mom's house and at my house was 5-6 pm.

 

My question is that now that he acts like he hates me, what should I do? I was not the best Father, but I did coach a minimum of 10 of his sports teams and loved him with every fiber in my body. Worth mentioning is that I was in a car accident in July of 05 that left me paralyzed.  When I quesstion his Mother, she says all he can remember was me drinking while he was growing up. Which I know is just untrue.

 

The problem seems to me that he would rather hate me so he could have total freedom and live with his Mother. For example he just got two piercings in his bottom lip and a tattoo on each arm. I was not asked if I thought it would be ok, which of course I would of said absolutely NO.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

Thanks. 
 
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davidnicole
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June 1, 2008, 7:17 pm PDT

What Would ower Grandchildren Do With Out Us?

 I Feel What Your Concerns Are.But The Fact is The grandchildren We Are Raising Depend On Us Grandmothers To care For Them.I Have Raised My 2grandchildren Since Birth.and Had Custody Of my 7yr.old Grandson for 5yrs.My 2daughters each had babys 3months apart.and lived at home.my daughter of my special needs grandson just got temp.custody of her son who i was raising since birth and had to take her to court and fight for my grandson.because she"s Bi-POLAR And was unable to care for her self.never mined my grandson.And Know that she has custody she still can"t cope.what is wrong with ower system?My other daughter had everything.good job,graduated,new car and she had my grandughter at home.and never could care for her.but she did go to court 4yrs.ago and gave me custody.I thought it would be intill she got her self together.not having any idea she was on drugs.she is so bad i am affraid she's going to die.she was so beautiful.I got calls from BOSTON POLICE that they found her Prostituting in china town.I have done everything to try to help her.nothing worked.I don't see or hear from her for days.my grandughter is also7yrs.old and i would like to adopt her to pertect her.her mother and father who is all so a drug addict.wrote letters for me to adopt there daughter.what do you do?i have know money to adopt.i am the only one she knows that has cared and has been taking good care of her since birth.yes i would love for my daughter to pull together to be there for her daughter.but if i wate it will never happen and if she does great.but its not fare for ower grandchildren to be put on hold.its not there fault.i love my grandchildren and my daughters to.but i will do what i have to to pertect my grandchildren.so i say move if you need to with those wonderful grandchildren and if there parents pull them selfs together enough.they will find you and do whats in the best intrest of those children.i worry every day about my daughter.know one in the family can belive she would ever go this way.what does parents do.just when you thought your job as raising young children and spending time hours in emergency rooms was over.here we are doing it all over again.i'm just so tied out.11yrs.till there 18,i'll be 60yrs.old good luck.
 
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arizonataken
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June 13, 2008, 4:24 pm PDT

Adopting my grandson

I have been raising my grandson for the past year. He is an adorable grandchild, the love of my life. My daughter had him when she was sixteen. I was shocked that she could just move out of our house (last month) and leave so quickly. It was as if one day she decided she no longer wanted to deal with the baby. I think my rules also caused my daughter to move out. She hated the curfew times and rarely did any chores around the house.  My grandson turned one year old two weeks ago.  My heart sank when she showed up to the party without a gift. I just couldn't and still don't understand how she could leave everything and just "go."  The other day I found the ultrasound photos.  They brought tears to my eyes. I am feeling very lonely right now. Is there anyone out there who feels like me or has gone through this? My husband is very supportive of the adoption. I never realized how long adoptions take..........even within the family. 
 
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arizonataken
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June 13, 2008, 4:30 pm PDT

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Quote From: ssmale

My x-wife does not have any rules at her house and my son turned 16 this month. We have been seperated since 10-03. We have actually never went to court and made official on paper as far as are divorce. I think the reason is why,  evrything was working out fine and we were being civil to each other. My son started his freshman year this year and failed every class 1st and 2nd semester. The tension buil as time went on between us and I was the only one that was talking to teachers and paying attention to his attendance. Well in April he had to go to court for Truency. My son was angry about going to court. When I told the judge that he did not have any respect for any my authority or anyone elses. He got so angry he stopped talking to me. He then told me that he was going to live with his Mother. Before that we would trade every other week on Sunday nights. Now that he is at his mom's he will not talk to me at all. When I call and he is there he just picks up the phone and hangs up on me. His Mother seems not to have any problems with his actions. When he went to juvinelle hall for an assement he told them that his curfew after school was 10 pm at his mom's house and at my house was 5-6 pm.

 

My question is that now that he acts like he hates me, what should I do? I was not the best Father, but I did coach a minimum of 10 of his sports teams and loved him with every fiber in my body. Worth mentioning is that I was in a car accident in July of 05 that left me paralyzed.  When I quesstion his Mother, she says all he can remember was me drinking while he was growing up. Which I know is just untrue.

 

The problem seems to me that he would rather hate me so he could have total freedom and live with his Mother. For example he just got two piercings in his bottom lip and a tattoo on each arm. I was not asked if I thought it would be ok, which of course I would of said absolutely NO.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

Thanks. 

My seventeen year old daughter recently moved out. A week later she had a lip piercing and blond and black hair, and a tatoo.  I about died. I come from a strict background and was shocked as I did not raise my daughter to be like this. Sounds like your child is rebelling like mine is and wants some major attention, whether it's positive or negative.

 

This is what I would do:  continue to keep in contact with your son. Send cards, holidays, birthdays, leave phone messages, send nice emails, continue with the invites. Your son will come around. I know it is tough, but I am ignoring my daughters attempts for attention. The tattoos and piercing are a cry for attention. I wouldn't even say anything about those things. I would simply try and be friendly and caring. Hopefully, your child will turn around. It won't be in the next day or two, maybe it will take years, but teenagers are so moody, one day they love you and the next day they hate you.
 
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