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Topic : 07/21 Settle This

Number of Replies: 357
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Created on : Friday, April 07, 2006, 10:04:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/10/06) Are you and your spouse caught in a never-ending battle over who's right? DrPhil.com users wrote in about the biggest problems in their relationships. Heather says her biological clock is a ticking time bomb, but her husband, Steve, says they aren't ready for a baby. What does Dr. Phil think? Then, Roberta has been trying to get her husband to work on their relationship by reading one of Dr. Phil's books, but he refuses. Will he have an excuse after the show? And, Rita is asking her husband, Jeff, "Where's the romance?" Jeff says after eight years of marriage, he shouldn't have to wine and dine his wife. Will they meet in the middle? Plus, should a husband have to give up his testosterone toy, and how do you decide how big your wedding should be? Dr. Phil steps in to decide who's right once and for all. Talk about the show here.

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April 10, 2006, 11:37 am CDT

04/10 Settle This

Quote From: elijah

I have to ask...What were you thinking, Dr. Phil? 

  

Why didn't you ask that seemingly able bodied 26 year old woman why she isn't working? I cannot imagine being in a financial position like the one described by this couple and not contributing to the family bank account. What does this young woman do with her time besides obsess over a baby? And how dare she leave that man to shoulder the entire financial burden of this family alone.

  

Secondly, as a trained professional, have you not noticed in your years of experience, that the people who so absorbed with the "having" of a baby, are often times the ones who are the most disappointed in the reality of that baby?  

  

The girl needs professional help. Please don't tell these ill equipped young people that all they need is a financial plan. 

  

Deborah 

Hello Deborah, 

  

Just wanted to answer some of your questions :).  I am working, though not full time.  I work as a surgical tech for a plastic surgeon, and I make very good money there, but I don't get enough hours to consider it a full time position.  In the interim, I also do temp office work to bring in some extra income.  The $116 we have left over every month is from Steve's paycheck, and does not take into account the money that I make at my job, which automatically goes into savings. 

  

Though I don't have experience with kids of my own, I did tons of babysitting as a teenager.  While I realize that's not the same thing, I have experience with a wide variety of ages, ranging from 3 months to 12 years.  Yes, I realize babies cry, and yes, I realize they can drive you crazy :). 

 
April 10, 2006, 11:39 am CDT

timing babies

I had my children later in life.  We got all our travelling and playing out of our systems, we both completed our educations, built our practices, bought the house we wanted in the community we planned to raise our children and then had children.  BOTH my husband and I were ready to make our children a priority.  My husband and I both work restricted caseloads so we are more available for our children.  The children were welcomed into a home that was comfortable and never in debt. Our kids will go to university or tech school supported by their education funds.  They have a solid foundation economically but more importantly, emotionally. 

  

I think you have difficulty delaying gratification. "I want a baby and I want to have it even though we can't afford it and my husband isn't emotionally ready." That doesn't bode well for you as a parent.  Even though we planned well to become parents, we have both made sacrifices for their benefit. We have both delayed getting or doing things that we wanted because we had children. No biggie, we loved doing it but we are mature and both ready to have a family so we don't resent it. 

  

Children are one of those things that I think must have unanimous consent in a marriage. If your husband says that he isn't ready to be a parent yet, then he shouldn't be a parent yet. Your child deserves a happy, involved father.  If waiting 5-10 years will give your child that, then that is what you should do. 

 
April 10, 2006, 12:07 pm CDT

my advice

Quote From: steve44

Steve here from the Monday show...my wife posted a comment that I have come around...well she thinks so...but truly I feel that we should wait...watch the show and see why...come back and post some more after the show...I will be on the message boards to see what everybody thinks, and I will gladly reply to any messages or questions for me on here!

Hello:  

I am a 23 year old married woman of 4 years and have a 1 year old. I disagree with Dr. Phil stating that you need to save up $10,000 before your child is born. You will never have enough money and your emotions will never be the same even if you think you are "ready". It is good to have some savings and to buy things each week (ie diapers, wipes, etc) before the child was born and to save money but I do believe his figure is astronomical. I am a college graduate as is my husband and there are time we also struggle. But look into your insurance and getting disability while mom is off. Also check day care and cost to see what is "really worth it". A baby is a big responsibility and a lot of love but I am so glad I did it young so that I can run around with my kids and be aroung long enough to see their kids (not saying older parents cannot). I measure my life in love. And my daughter is the best at giving unconditional love. 

 
April 10, 2006, 12:11 pm CDT

You aren't crazy!!

Quote From: shannafaye

Hubby and I are wanting to have our first baby and we are both over 40. I know some people are thinking this is a crazy idea.
I had my first at 35 and I plan to have at least one more.  I wouldn't have had it any other way, I have more to offer her so I can just relax and enjoy her (when she's not screaming!!!!!!!!!!)
 
April 10, 2006, 12:20 pm CDT

Heather I agree with you... I strongly Disagree with Dr. Phil

Heather,  

  

I agree with you in the fact that I too feel and have learned that there is no perfect time to have children.. I def. didn't do things by the book.  But I had my first daughter at age 2,1 I am not 28 and have a 7 year old and a 2 year old...  

I disagree with Dr Phil in the amount of cost of raising a child in the first year.  I think he is silly.  I think he is talking from a Actor's point of view with someone who gives their child everything.  I can tell you that my children are well fed, have a beautiful home with thousands of dollars worth of toy. Not purchased all in the first year.  Well dressed and very well minded children.  My daughters are spoiled.  DR PHIL, it didn't cost me so much to raise my first or second child..   Matter of fact in the first year of marriage and our first daughter we did have it rough.  We purchased our second home together and we struggled.  But we found that love out last it all.  

Today we are typical American's.  We do live from paycheck to paycheck.  We don't struggle but by choice.  We do have trouble saving.  But our children are well cared for and we are happy.  We find that just being able to spend time together as a family we outlast things that are thrown our way.  We found many times that we have had it a little hard.  But our children came first.  And they were always always well cared for.  I decided to put myself second.  And to be a mom and raise my children and after I can live for myself while still being younger.  I can't imagine having my first child in my 30's.   

I can see your husbands point of view, but I think he needs to come to a compromise.  I think you need to meet 1/2 way.. I thought that would be what Dr. Phil would suggest.. But he didn't..  

Sorry Dr.Phil.. I often agree with advice you give, but this time I think your wrong..   

I leave you with a letter I wrote to my children just recently.. Because they have touched my life so much..  

I hope this helps..  Good luck..  

I wrote this in my online journal.  But want you to see it because it was one of those special moments for me..  Good Luck.. :)  

  

I realized today how lucky I am. I am starting my own business. I am in the finishing stages. How lucky is that?? Pretty awesome that I will be working for myself and doing what I want to do and going to classes to better my business.
My girls are growing so fast. My oldest unlocked the door to let me inside today and I was thinking how big is that.. Just yesterday she was learning to walk or so it seems. Memory's that I will never forget or let go of. Precious moments in time that are frozen still in my memory like a picture.
I have never felt so fullfilled as I do being a mom and a wife. I do have the good days and the bad days, like all. But I feel overjoyed being able to share these things with my family. There is nothing like knowing that the blood from you and the man of your dreams runs through the veins of the child in your arms as they are closing their eyes to the hem of your voice. It is so powerful.
Kids bring noise, laughter, entertainment, pride and and everlasting shine to ones life. They are so precious. To touch my daughter before I go to bed at night and know that she is peaceful with herself and happy with the life we are giving her. To accept that this will be my child forever that the Lord has granted me.
I realize some days this moment doesn't always feel like this. Some days the stress of being a mom and a wife and trying to please all is so overwhelming that the little enjoyable things get left at the weigh side. Some days can't always be so precious. But they can all have an everlasting experience on the growth of my daughters.
We are by no means the perfect family, from time to time we stray and forget as we all veg in front of the TV and forget to be thankful for the food we munch on or as we sit in the car in silence and forget that we have been gifted with love and can be strengthened through conversation.
But on days like that, I don't forget moments like this. In silence I remember the times when I was listening to my girls chase the cat and play with each other. Their ages so stretched. But yet so tolerant of each other.
A husband that allows me the joy of being able to stay home in the day to hear this.. Wonderful beings we are to be able to share all of this with each other..
Today I rec'vd a note from a friend saying she was sick and that she was sleeping while her daughter slept to rest up for her daily activites. I understand those days. When you find it hard to get off the couch but yet you have to take care of your precious children. Because if your not going to protect your family who will.
I dread the day when my oldest comes home to tell me she has a boyfriend. Or the day when she says mom can I drive. Or the day when she packs her things and goes off to college, I dread those days because as a mother I know the importance, but as their protector, I need to feel their safety. Who will protect them out of my site? I am sure God will. I am sure he is more capable of doing this them myself.
The hardest decision I had to make after having 2 children was which side of the car to place them on. See when you have one child this isn't an issue. Because everyone knows the center of the car is the safest. But when you have two you can't really do that. Because that is like saying one life is more important then the other. So then you decide which is going to go on the drivers side and which on the passangers side. That was truly the hardest decision to make so far.
But when we found out a convicted child molester had stayed in our home and we felt so violated. It isn't like they come with a label. Thanks to the internet we now know where to find this information out. But it was a violation to my family.
And almost losing our youngest at birth. Even I couldn't have stopped that. But over protecting her was wrong after too. Because a child learns what you teach them. If they are taught it is okay to lie, they grow up liars. And if they are taught to always be kind, they grow up compassionate. I once had a teacher recite to me, "teach a child a way to grow and walk some there yourself."
I realized that my upbringing wasn't great. I have changed. But I have always been an honest person. I have always made concious decisions. I have always tried to please others. Will my daughters have these same positive qualities. I am sure they will. I want this for them. I want them to be good hard working, honest people. If they make a billion, it won't be handed to them on a platter. It will come with the dirt on their hands to prove it. I have learned this from my mother. Hard work and loyalty to family.
She maybe wasn't always the best role model, but who's perfect? Look we all have someone in our lives that we can say why was that person so selfish or why did that person do this or that.. Or why was that person so immature. But to be honest, we can only be responsible for our own actions.
So who is judging. The only things I have learned to be true is treat others how you want to be treat but never expect them to always treat you that way.
You can be the person you want to be, but you can't tell others to be someone they are not.
Don't expect to much from one person. And don't hold them accountable for things you offer to them. NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Life has taught me this.. Life's little lessons. These are things I hope to pass on to my daughters.
My aunt, my role model, the kindest lady I knew. She treated me the way I treat others, with a gentle hand. With a kind soul. She was so sweet to me, but I realized this wasn't how everyone saw her. She was a true friend, but don't make her upset. Because she was the person you wanted on your side always. There were faults in her, but when she showed you her inner beauty, that overwhelmed any faults..
I have always been told I am a true friend. A person of inner strenght of encouragement. This is the kind of person I will be for my daughters. A mother, a true friend and a strength for their weaknesses. I will only see the positive in them because their faults add to their strength.
Family, Love, God, Friends, Strength, Ability to overcome and Trust. These are things that even when at my lowest, I will teach my daughters and I will not let anyone take this from me.
I love my girls, I love my husband. I love the family we have made. I love our life and the time spent together even if zoned into the TV or in a quiet car. These are moments in time that I will remember for the rest of my life.
True friends that is something you find in your family. My best friend is my husband, my mother, my aunt, my cousin, my sister, my daughters, my father, my brothers, my uncle, my grandmother, my grandfather, my girls god parents, my sister and brother in laws.. These are people who are my best friends...
In school best friends were classified as one who was in your social standings.. In life your social standings are the ones who are in your life forever.. You make what you want of it.. You give what you want to get. You are the person who sets your destiany, not the stars or the moon, the water or the sun. The color of you birth month or the sign of your year. The numbers in you name or the lines on your hands. You set your strength and weaknesses, you are the one who provides for yourself when no one else is there.. You are the one who finds what you can and can't do. You set your life pattern, you decide who you want to be as a person. You are the one who needs to be okay with you and your decisions. You are the one who needs to be forgiven by God and by you. Even if one believes there is no God (which I am not one of those) but you need to be okay with you and live with you. Girls, remember I love you and daddy very much. A love that is stronger then anything I have ever experienced before. Being a mom and a wife is great. Having you both in my life is a unexpected joy that I will never forget. That will leave the foot prints in my heart. Losing any of you 3 would be losing a piece of my heart for real. I love you all so much. Good, Bad or undecided, we will make it through this too...  

 
April 10, 2006, 12:23 pm CDT

A younger mother

In response to the 26 year old wanting to be a mother.... 

  

I had my first daughter at 21 and am currently pregnant with my second at 23.  Our first daughter was not a "planned" pregnancy.  The first year was rough, but we had the help of my mother.  Money and otherwise.  This baby was a "planned" baby.  I have always wanted children and love having them..even the days I want to pull my hair out *I am a SAHM, My husband is in the military* 

  

If you have the ability to plan and save...take it.  I don't think you have to wait 5 years but even a year of planning can be great.   With this baby we had a few months of planning before we got pregnant and then these months that have followed.  I know the figures Dr. Phil gives but somehow we all make it...and no matter what they cost...children are worth ever penny. 

  

Good luck!   

 
April 10, 2006, 12:33 pm CDT

heather and steve

Steve, can I ask whether you have a measuring stick for financial security? If you don't have enough savings now, how much would be enough? Is it more time you'd like with your wife rather than the money? If you're not ready for a baby, the money will never be enough. I know a man who has fifty thousand saved and does not feel financially well-off enough yet for a baby. I don't feel 26 is young AT ALL to be getting pregnant. Fertility drops at 27. Her clock is right on time. Not that you can't wait, or that it's bad to do so, but her age is a poor excuse to put babies off. Would you both be happy with waiting another year and then trying? I don't persume to tell you what to do, but that would be the first compermise I would try. Good luck and very best to both of you.
 
April 10, 2006, 12:35 pm CDT

Settle This

Our family has been friends with Matt and Rachelle for a while, and I feel your pain Rachelle!  My husband Josh also rides a motorcycle (hence the friendship) and his other vehicle is a convertible, while I drive the family car.  Since we only have one child, on nice days when he rides the motorcycle, I can drive the convertible!  I think there are a lot of fun cars out there that you could both enjoy, and all three kids could ride in.  Don't give up Rachelle - sounds like you might be wearing him down!  Good luck!
 
April 10, 2006, 12:37 pm CDT

04/10 Settle This

Quote From: shannafaye

Hubby and I are wanting to have our first baby and we are both over 40. I know some people are thinking this is a crazy idea.
Follow your heart and do what is right for your family. I was 37 and 39 when I had my two and there are no reasons for regret. Yea, there are gonna be people to call you selfish and stupid, whatever, but that is their immaturity, not yours. Take care of your self and be hapopy, secure and confident. as I always say, children are a blessing and a gift from God, and parenting is awesome. If you love and respect your child and are able to care for them and give them the good quality life that they need and deserve then go for it. :).............
 
April 10, 2006, 12:40 pm CDT

Grog Say "Laugh Is Good..."

Quote From: qwerty_1

Women are alien creatures from another planet sent here by the all knowing sex God "Grog" as punishment to men for being born a male human being. ( LOL) Women run on pure emotion (not all) and for the most part are in LOVE with an idea of LOVE. Where men run on football, beer and power tools (not all), women demand more attention than a 1969 Chevy pick up truck with a blown engine, flat tires, rusted out bed and a busted windshield. Beware ye yound men out there, a young woman has one thing on her mind, set up house, make babies and make you pay for it! May Grog Bless you............ 

  

  

Well I must say, I certainly enjoyed your little spin on women. Humor, in my eyes has always been the BEST MEDICINE, so thank you for giving me my laugh for the day.... Though I must say I feel a little sorry for ya if you really feel we women are all alien creatures sent by a Sex God. Men and women could and do teach each other a lot about love. You did say (not All )  so that says you must have put down your beer and power tools and, and turned the  game at some point and taken a risk.  Found out the old Chevy was worth a test drive did ya? 

  

Yes we women do look forward to finding the RIGHT mate,  Getting MARRIED, Setting up the NEST having CHILDREN. I don't see how all that can equate to just a financial situation that you feel you pay for. We each Pay and Receive in many different ways, every single day when it comes to MARRIAGE And  FAMILY. I'm sure an intelligent Man like yourself knows that.... 

  

Again thank you for the Humor....AND MAY THE GROG BE WITH YOU..... 

 
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