Topic : 04/12 Dangerous Love

You met your husband when you were 17 but your situation is nothing like Michelle's.  Michelle met Chuck when she was 16.  Chuck used her sexually for the first time 5 days later. She was in a live in spousal relationship within one month of meeting this "man".  All of that happened before she was 17. 

Then, he has helped her completely drop out of her life for a year and a half so far.  She doesn't attend school or work; she just wastes time in his basement until he is there to use her sexually again. Worse, he says he won't marry her for 8 years. That means that she is completely dependent on him and becoming less and less employable but she has no legal rights to support when this train wreck hits. 

I suspect that her situation isn't a mirror of your own. 

Just to clarify, for the American public who may or may not be familiar with the laws in Canada, and for obviously the Teens in Canada who like to twist the law to suit their own ends and to justify their behavior. 

The Age of Consent in Canada is indeed ( as horrible as it sounds ) fourteen years of age, meaning a girl or boy of this age group can consent to sexual intercourse, BUT....... 

If anyone older than two years older ( Which means over the age of sixteen in this case, Sorry but some of these kids are having trouble with the math here ) has sex with a fourteen year old, it Statutory Rape, obviously there are parents out there that should be looking into this as well. 

Canadian Parents, if you are concerned, your fourteen year old brings home a twenty four year old, Daddy and Jounior should have a talk, and the local police should be called, you HAVE options 

I watched the entire show last night and I was appalled by both groups of people. 

 Angela,  you said straight out that you intended to make your brother's life and Tosha's a living hell.  Quite the loving sister you are (note the dripping sarcasm).  Your brother is in love with a person who, while in the same EXTENDED family, is far enough removed that the relationship shouldn't be an issue.  Even the Catholic church wouldn't have a problem with it and the church is not exactly noted for its liberal views.   You don't have to accept your brother's choice, but your disapproval doesn't justify your outrageous behavior.  Anthony is a fully grown adult and can make his own decisions - your approval is not required and your childish notes and tricks do you no credit - in fact your actions make.you seem to be an extremely vicious and mean-spirited person.   Anthony, I know you have an interest in the house, but if you are ready to get married, get out on your own and get some space of your own.   

 As for Chuckie, he was obviously scrambling to justify his egregious behavior.  He thinks Michelle's enough of an adult to make an adult choice about sleeping with him, but he thinks they should wait 8 years to get married because she won't be adult enough to make the decision to get married until then.  Does he really buy that logic?  Does anyone?  That magic wedding day that's scheduled to happen after she graduates from college in 2014 is never going to arrive if she never gets to college - she's certainly not doing anything to get there.   Chuckie obviously just likes to poke little girls and has created this fantasy of a someday marriage to justify the sexual exploitation of a child.  

 Michelle, here's a clue:  if you were anywhere close to mature you would be taking steps to secure your future (getting your GED, getting a job, getting into college), instead of loafing in the basement by day and sleeping with a surrogate daddy by night.  I'm sure you're having fun playing house, but part of being a mature adult is doing the things we need to do, not just what we want to. 

 To the sons, Jeremy and Shotzi - you seem like very intelligent, articulate, and well-grounded kids, with good senses of humor and a startling level of maturity for your age.  How that happened with the father you have . . .  I don't know but your mom must be a heck of a lady.  Stay strong, and if you can, stay with your mother.   You shouldn't have to share your home with your father's little sex toy. 

 And for those who think I'm being judgemental, you're damn right I am.   I don't care what adults do in private, but when it comes to those who take advantage of children I am absolutely judgemental.  

It's nice to hear of the patience that you endured, because it seems like you are a mother before anything else. 

The funny thing is that all my husbands wanted me back after all they did to me.  I just couldn't accept it.  They hurt me so much and then it's like, honey let's put ********** behind us.  Well, with the first two I had no children, so there was no way I was going to be patient. 

With my third husband, God blessed me with a girl.  I stayed in that marriage for 5 years (the longest), for the sake of my daughter.  3 of those years he was not even with us.  I just thought the fact that we were married would at least be good for my girl. 

We then got divorced and I was reading so much about the negativity of girls not developing a strong relationship with their fathers and that will affect them in adulthood. 

So, I said,well it seems the right thing to do to get remarried to provide my girl with a dad. 

My neighbours introduced me to this man, a professor, well established, mature, respectful family, etc.   

But all that, I found out, you can throw out the window and the one thing I asked for was to be patient with my daughter and give her time to adjust and he showed me otherwise. 

I told him a few months ago that I no longer wish to continue this marriage and will be leaving this summer. 

I wanted to leave then, but he asked me to give him some time to change.  I still feel I can't do this, and I will never be able to raise my daughter the way I want to.   

So, like I said, I want to be single to raise my daughter. And as you said love doesn't have to come from a man. 

The thing is that I don't have a man in my family that I can put my head on his shoulders.  I so much wish that my dad was alive today, so I can cry on his shoulders and ask him, why men are like that. 

I don't know if you know what I mean by that.  It's like when you need a man in your life like a brother or a father who you can get advice from, and who will support you emotionally. 

I went to college when I was 16, dropped out a year later and was working.  When i met my husband, our first date was my 18th birthday; he was 42.  We were married 6 months later; that was 31 years ago.  Now, let me preface by saying, I love my husband, I adore him, and I do not regret marrying him. 

However.... 

Can a marriage with this age gap work? Clearly, it can.  However, I can assure it, if marriage is difficult, having this large of an age difference increases the problems significantly.   There are a 1000 little issues that can cause friction that are directly attributed to the difference in our ages.   

Fortunately, there are no childen involved, or I believe it would have been even more difficult.   

In addition to the differences that simply occur because the two of you grow up with completely different life experiences, there is also the hard cold fact that the bodies are aging at different rates.  My husband is in good shape for a 73 year old man, but he is _73_; he simply does not have the strength, energy, or desire to do things we once did, and the memory begins to slip as well.  I understand that.  But its not easy, I'm 49, and there are things I would like to do, things I would like him to do, and the reality of it is, he's simply not physically up to it.  I love being with him at home more than I would enjoy going antiquing or to an event on the weekends.   

Are you strong enough to stand up to be different?  We also think its hilarious when someone looks at us and then mention, your father or your daughter, and we correct them, to 'my spouse'.  People are shocked and embarassed, others will feel its perfectly okay to tell you what you are doing is wrong.  if you want to blend in, being with a significantly older person is not the way to do it. 

Can you separate the spouse from an authority figure?  We are taught to respect our elders, etc.  Now you are married to one.  Just because he's older, doesn't make him right.  Are you strong enough to be able to see this individual as a man who is a partner, not someone who is a father?  And you will most likely have to teach him not to treat you like a child. 

Are you prepared to give up your youth for an older man?  Life is not a rehearsal, this is your one shot.  Are you willing to stay with this person, and not date other people, party, go to college spring break, etc. while your friends do?  its very hard in a college environment not to want to hang with people your own age, if you do, you risk destroying your relationship. 

Are you prepared for the possibility that you may have to nurse your husband in his final days?  True, spouses get sick at any age, but with someone that much older, you must be prepared for this eventuality.   

Are you prepared to be alone and independent?  My husband insisted I complete my education,  The day I graduated with my masters,  I gave HIM a gold watch, he could retire from all the hard work he labored to get me thru school.  He wanted me to be able to fend for myself when he is gone. 

Are you prepared to make financial and purchasing decisions on your own?  When my car died, my husband drove me to the dealership and said, okay, buy yourself a car.  I told him, I couldn't do it,, and he said to me, you will have to do it sooner or later, best to do it sooner.  And so I did.  I have managed the money, major purchases, investments, etc. for the past 31 years, again, in preparation of the day that I will be alone. 

Are you both prepared for the day you no longer need him?  Its a terrifying turn of events, the day you no longer need the person you leaned on for so many years.  It requires a great deal of trust and commitment on both sides: first, that the investment and trust the spouse makes will not betrayed, and secondly, that the newly independent spouse isn't going to simply go wild with this new way of life. 

Both parties need to really consider what the future brings... first you fall in lust, then you fall out of lust and into love, that's when the hard work starts.