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Topic : 04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Number of Replies: 152
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Created on : Friday, April 07, 2006, 10:11:35 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How long does it take to know if you’ve found your soul mate? Years? Months? Weeks? Or could you know in only a few days? Just two weeks after their first date, Katie and Erik walked down the aisle. Did Katie get married so fast just to beat her sister to the altar? And is Erik everything he says he is? Find out what Dr. Phil learned about him through a background check. Then, Lance and Stacia knew each other only three months before marrying. Lance says that simply wasn’t long enough and so, within their first year of marriage, he had five affairs. Now, they are headed for divorce because they say they don’t really know each other. Can this marriage be saved? Next, Darcy is 51 and has been engaged seven times. At one point she was engaged to two men at the same time! Will she ever find love? Plus, Sandra has been engaged six times and married four – and she's barely 30 years old! Dr. Phil shows these guests – and you – how to Love Smart before rushing to the altar. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More April 2006 Show Boards.

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April 12, 2006, 11:03 am CDT

lost that loving feeling

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

 
April 12, 2006, 12:53 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: xtina0775

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

You didn't say if there was anything happening during that time that might have made you changed your mind.  How long after the break up that you met your fiance ?  Have you talked to your fiance about hese feelings  ?  6 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man whom I knew since college (I'm 50 years old).  Things were good for the first few months then he began to get very jealous of my past (I had been married once and in one serious relastionship after the divorce).  He was even jealous of the time I spent with my son.  Needless to say, the relationship quickly deteriorated and I left him after 2 years.  Nine months afterward, I met my husband.  It took me a long time to warm up to him.  10 months after we met, he hinted at marriage and I was totally freak out.  I remembered the pain, the confusion, the heartache of the other relationship and I was not sure if I wanted to get into another ever !  I was okay seeing him but hyperventilating every time i thought about FOREVER with him.  And he was simply a wonderful man, still is.  He sensed my ambivalence and backed off.  Five months later, sensing that I was more comfortable with US, he proposed.  We've been married for almost 2 years now and we're blissfully happy. 

I didn't mean to be wordy; what I'm trying to say is to respect your feelings and try to figure out if they reflect what you now have in your current relationship.  Did you rush into this relationship very soon after the other breakup ?  If you did then it is possible that after 2 years, your head is finally becoming clearer and you now could see the current relationship what what it really is .  If you didn't then It sounds to me that you might be reacting to the pain of your past.  What if you marry the guy and he turns out to be a cheater like the other one ?  How did you miss the signs in the other relationship ?  Did you look for those this time aroud ?  Did you see them ?  If there truly no cause for alarm in the current relatioship then may I suggest that you give it time.  Don't punish the man in your life for the wreck that the other one left behind.  Don't sabotage your relationship by assuming that all men are dogs.  Talk it out with you fiance, friends, family....TALK IT OUT.  It helps to verbalize your feelings.  I think you still love him but the fear of being betrayed is making you feel confused.  Just because you don't feel loving toward him does not mean you no longer love him.  Stress would do that to anyone of us anytime.  Think it through.  Don't let one bad experience ruin your chance of happiness but don't let loneliness and fear of an uncertain future propel you into a life long commitment you are not ready to make and honor. 

 
April 12, 2006, 12:55 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: xtina0775

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

You didn't say if there was anything happening during that time that might have made you changed your mind.  How long after the break up that you met your fiance ?  Have you talked to your fiance about hese feelings  ?  6 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man whom I knew since college (I'm 50 years old).  Things were good for the first few months then he began to get very jealous of my past (I had been married once and in one serious relastionship after the divorce).  He was even jealous of the time I spent with my son.  Needless to say, the relationship quickly deteriorated and I left him after 2 years.  Nine months afterward, I met my husband.  It took me a long time to warm up to him.  10 months after we met, he hinted at marriage and I was totally freak out.  I remembered the pain, the confusion, the heartache of the other relationship and I was not sure if I wanted to get into another ever !  I was okay seeing him but hyperventilating every time i thought about FOREVER with him.  And he was simply a wonderful man, still is.  He sensed my ambivalence and backed off.  Five months later, sensing that I was more comfortable with US, he proposed.  We've been married for almost 2 years now and we're blissfully happy. 

I didn't mean to be wordy; what I'm trying to say is to respect your feelings and try to figure out if they reflect what you now have in your current relationship.  Did you rush into this relationship very soon after the other breakup ?  If you did then it is possible that after 2 years, your head is finally becoming clearer and you now could see the current relationship what what it really is .  If you didn't then It sounds to me that you might be reacting to the pain of your past.  What if you marry the guy and he turns out to be a cheater like the other one ?  How did you miss the signs in the other relationship ?  Did you look for those this time aroud ?  Did you see them ?  If there truly no cause for alarm in the current relatioship then may I suggest that you give it time.  Don't punish the man in your life for the wreck that the other one left behind.  Don't sabotage your relationship by assuming that all men are dogs.  Talk it out with you fiance, friends, family....TALK IT OUT.  It helps to verbalize your feelings.  I think you still love him but the fear of being betrayed is making you feel confused.  Just because you don't feel loving toward him does not mean you no longer love him.  Stress would do that to anyone of us anytime.  Think it through.  Don't let one bad experience ruin your chance of happiness but don't let loneliness and fear of an uncertain future propel you into a life long commitment you are not ready to make and honor. 

 
April 12, 2006, 1:19 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: boioboi

Just wanted someones input.  My boyfriend and I have been going out for over three year and we own a home.  We argue occasionally, but I don't think its anything major.  I am ready to get married, honestly I just think its ridiculous we have been living together for so long (about 2yrs).  I want to get married, even though sometimes I'm just so tired of waiting that I loose interest.  I think its because I'm upset at the moment.  His excuse for us not being married yet is because of the money and he has also uses our arguments as an excuse.  I see them as something normal.  So I'm wondering when I should put my foot down.  How long is too long?
Two years is probably long enough.  I am not sure I could undersstand putting off getting married for money reason; do you want a big wedding or something  ?  I think there is an inherent danger in cohabitation; men get complacent and women get desperate.  It is often a losing proposition for the women.  Do you still love him or you're just ready to get married ?  Don't get married simply because you're ready.  That is a sure recipe for divorce.  We,women, tend to want to get married after a period of cohabitation because it seems to make sense and it's uh somewhat a comfortable arrangement.  I have a funny feeling that you don't really love him; you're in love only with the idea of being married.  Men will marry the woman they love when they're sure of their feelings and WHEN they're ready (whatever that means..).  If they don't want to marry you or even set the date then it's time to re-assess the situation and make some rather drastic decision.  If he doesn't want to get married because you two argued then either (1) he was using that as an excuse to straddle the fence or (2)  he has an unrealistic expectation of marriage  or (3)  he's truly concerned about the fequency/quality of these arguments.  By all means, talk it out it happens to be # 3.  But my feelings is that he might have feft somewhat ambivalent about the relationship and no amount of nagging is going to make things better.  As a matter of fact, it tends to work the opposite.  IF you really love him and you truly feel he's the man for you then discuss the issue with him.  Be prepare to talk about selling the home you jointly own, split the proceed and go your separate ways if he's not prepared to move to the next stage.  Be strong, be tactful but be firm. 
 
April 12, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

reply

Quote From: xtina0775

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

 could it be that you are pregnant.  Alot of things happen when you are pregnant.  Many of my friends become off their husbands during pregnancy.  Don't judge the situation now.  Wait till after the delivery. 

I hope this helped 

 
April 12, 2006, 3:36 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: ummzainab

 could it be that you are pregnant.  Alot of things happen when you are pregnant.  Many of my friends become off their husbands during pregnancy.  Don't judge the situation now.  Wait till after the delivery. 

I hope this helped 

Thank you for your input. 

  

I was thinking maybe I should wait til the baby is born to figure things out.  I think I will do that.  I will wait til my head is clear and maybe when the baby is born it will bring us closer together.  We will see.  Thanks for taking time to read my post and give me feedback -- it is most appreciated. 

 
April 12, 2006, 3:38 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: mtinca

You didn't say if there was anything happening during that time that might have made you changed your mind.  How long after the break up that you met your fiance ?  Have you talked to your fiance about hese feelings  ?  6 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man whom I knew since college (I'm 50 years old).  Things were good for the first few months then he began to get very jealous of my past (I had been married once and in one serious relastionship after the divorce).  He was even jealous of the time I spent with my son.  Needless to say, the relationship quickly deteriorated and I left him after 2 years.  Nine months afterward, I met my husband.  It took me a long time to warm up to him.  10 months after we met, he hinted at marriage and I was totally freak out.  I remembered the pain, the confusion, the heartache of the other relationship and I was not sure if I wanted to get into another ever !  I was okay seeing him but hyperventilating every time i thought about FOREVER with him.  And he was simply a wonderful man, still is.  He sensed my ambivalence and backed off.  Five months later, sensing that I was more comfortable with US, he proposed.  We've been married for almost 2 years now and we're blissfully happy. 

I didn't mean to be wordy; what I'm trying to say is to respect your feelings and try to figure out if they reflect what you now have in your current relationship.  Did you rush into this relationship very soon after the other breakup ?  If you did then it is possible that after 2 years, your head is finally becoming clearer and you now could see the current relationship what what it really is .  If you didn't then It sounds to me that you might be reacting to the pain of your past.  What if you marry the guy and he turns out to be a cheater like the other one ?  How did you miss the signs in the other relationship ?  Did you look for those this time aroud ?  Did you see them ?  If there truly no cause for alarm in the current relatioship then may I suggest that you give it time.  Don't punish the man in your life for the wreck that the other one left behind.  Don't sabotage your relationship by assuming that all men are dogs.  Talk it out with you fiance, friends, family....TALK IT OUT.  It helps to verbalize your feelings.  I think you still love him but the fear of being betrayed is making you feel confused.  Just because you don't feel loving toward him does not mean you no longer love him.  Stress would do that to anyone of us anytime.  Think it through.  Don't let one bad experience ruin your chance of happiness but don't let loneliness and fear of an uncertain future propel you into a life long commitment you are not ready to make and honor. 

Thank you for your input. 

  

We do talk alot -- we talk about it all the time.  I am very upfront and honest with him.  There is nothing in particular that has happened -- just feel like the feeling faded away.  We will continue to work on it.  Thanks for taking time to read my post and give me feedback.  I appreciate it.   

 
April 12, 2006, 3:55 pm CDT

Open Letter to Dr. Phil about one of quotes

                     Phil, 

  

                           I have been facing many personal issues recently.  I have been feeling depressed 

                      and some unfortunate situations have occurred. 

  

                              You have stated that " You need to give yourself the love you  

                                                                        wished you had received." 

  

                      

                           PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS STATEMENT 

  

                           People tell me that I will feel love when I volunteer.  I do not feel such love 

                           when I volunteer.  I just feel okay, I have helped someone.  I help others as  

                           I would hope someone would help me. 

  

          

                         Thank you for reading! 

                                

                            Your endless 

                           Sherlock Holmes Beth 

                            

 
April 12, 2006, 6:37 pm CDT

You are most welcom

Quote From: xtina0775

Thank you for your input. 

  

I was thinking maybe I should wait til the baby is born to figure things out.  I think I will do that.  I will wait til my head is clear and maybe when the baby is born it will bring us closer together.  We will see.  Thanks for taking time to read my post and give me feedback -- it is most appreciated. 

You are most welcome. 

  

 
April 12, 2006, 6:48 pm CDT

you have to dictate how people will treat you

Quote From: beth93

                     Phil, 

  

                           I have been facing many personal issues recently.  I have been feeling depressed 

                      and some unfortunate situations have occurred. 

  

                              You have stated that " You need to give yourself the love you  

                                                                        wished you had received." 

  

                      

                           PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS STATEMENT 

  

                           People tell me that I will feel love when I volunteer.  I do not feel such love 

                           when I volunteer.  I just feel okay, I have helped someone.  I help others as  

                           I would hope someone would help me. 

  

          

                         Thank you for reading! 

                                

                            Your endless 

                           Sherlock Holmes Beth 

                            

I think what Dr. Phil is saying is that no one will love you like you can love yourself. 

What do you want from anything in life? Find out, and then once you know that make a plan.  How do I get there? What sort of resources do I need?  

You dictate how others perceive and treat you. 

For example, I am a mother and a wife.   

My daughter needs my time and attention.  My husband needs time and attention.  I need time and attention.   

They don't care about my well being, not because they don't care about me but because it's human nature. 

So my husband expects breakfast on his table, a packed lunch to take to work, dinner at the table, washed clothes, clean house, a wife whose ready for her husband, and all this is about him, him, him. 

Now, I need a break from time to time, and believe you me, many many times, it's not enough to verbally say it, I have to put my foot on the ground and say, you know, It's my time off and if you want anything then do it yourself. 

So here, I loved my self and I gave myself what I needed.  He would not give it to me freely.  

Same with your job, friendships, etc.   

Even though, I am sitting here giving you advice, I am in most need of it.  It's hard and tough I know, but turn it to your benefit. 

  

 
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