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Topic : 04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Number of Replies: 152
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Created on : Friday, April 07, 2006, 10:11:35 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How long does it take to know if you’ve found your soul mate? Years? Months? Weeks? Or could you know in only a few days? Just two weeks after their first date, Katie and Erik walked down the aisle. Did Katie get married so fast just to beat her sister to the altar? And is Erik everything he says he is? Find out what Dr. Phil learned about him through a background check. Then, Lance and Stacia knew each other only three months before marrying. Lance says that simply wasn’t long enough and so, within their first year of marriage, he had five affairs. Now, they are headed for divorce because they say they don’t really know each other. Can this marriage be saved? Next, Darcy is 51 and has been engaged seven times. At one point she was engaged to two men at the same time! Will she ever find love? Plus, Sandra has been engaged six times and married four – and she's barely 30 years old! Dr. Phil shows these guests – and you – how to Love Smart before rushing to the altar. Talk about the show here.

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April 13, 2006, 9:53 am CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Dear Doctor Phil. I think that people who want to get marry is a good thing but some people who do 

not want to get marry is a waste of time and money aswell.  Well I had better close now. Sincerley-- 

Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 
April 13, 2006, 10:10 am CDT

Dear Xtina---

Quote From: xtina0775

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

How many times have you seen your therepist? I know that for myself, it took me quite awhile to 'warm up' to my therepist and to truly open up and let it all out. It took me a whole year!! Once I finally spoke my deepest fear, I felt such relief. I hope that you can find this relief, whether its through your therepist or on your own, because everyone deserves that feeling. 

It sounds like you might be having fluctuation hormones due to your pregnancy that could be what is causing you to feel 'trapped' as you say. Pregnancy has a way of creating those 'trapped' feelings!! Now, you don't have the option of just leaving. My advice is to be gentle on yourself and your boyfriend- your confusion is understandable. When the baby is born, you will start to have different feelings, and you will know at that point whether you should marry or not. Don't make plans for the wedding until you know for sure! Just because you are having a baby, that doesn't mean you need to be married. We all know someone who married "for the child's sake" and in my experience, it hasnever worked out. I wishyou well! 

 
April 13, 2006, 10:16 am CDT

Engaged too soon

Studies show that people who live together first actually have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live together first- kind of surprising don't you think? I thought so at first, but then I really thought about it, and it makes sense. When two people live together, often times there is this fantasy that once the wedding is over, their partner will 'magicaly' change into the perfect husband/wife. And then, that doesn't happen. What happens is that life goes right back to the way it was before the wedding. 

Anyone considering getting married after only a few months/weeks together, slow down! What is the rush!? I think that most of us want to find that partner to be with forever, but its best to go slow and steady instead of fast and furious like that first couple on the show. 

 
April 13, 2006, 10:25 am CDT

Enaged too soon!

I was enaged once right out of high school. Me and the guy were together for 2 years 8 months before we started thinking about a wedding. We didn't stay together long enough to have the wedding. So I know it's hard to be in a place like that. I in enaged and the wedding is in May 2008. We have been together for 2 months now. 

 
April 13, 2006, 11:02 am CDT

Love At First Sight Believer

I just want to say that my parents met on December 24, 1965 and married January 10, 1966 (17 days later). They have been happily married for 40 years, raised four children, twelve grandchildren and one great grandchild. They have never regretted getting married so quickly after they met. They said that they knew the very first time they met that they were meant for each other.
 
April 13, 2006, 11:11 am CDT

Married/Engaged too soon

Quote From: jenoc99

Studies show that people who live together first actually have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live together first- kind of surprising don't you think? I thought so at first, but then I really thought about it, and it makes sense. When two people live together, often times there is this fantasy that once the wedding is over, their partner will 'magicaly' change into the perfect husband/wife. And then, that doesn't happen. What happens is that life goes right back to the way it was before the wedding. 

Anyone considering getting married after only a few months/weeks together, slow down! What is the rush!? I think that most of us want to find that partner to be with forever, but its best to go slow and steady instead of fast and furious like that first couple on the show. 

Well, what about pre-marital sex???  Everyone seems to be skipping that part. A lot of folks just want to get on with it so they can, well, get it on! There are still couples who actually wait to get married before making love. I know a lot of relationships and marriages, including my own, that have failed for many reasons.  For whatever it's worth, it is truly up to the individuals. Everyone moves at a pace comfortable to them at the time. For example, I knew my "test" husband (my ex) as a good, good friend for fifteen years before tying the knot. We became romantically involved, were married eight months later and I divorced him eighteen months after that!!!  Gee. And I thought I knew him after fifteen years of friendship! He was great as a friend, and eventually, a date, but just LOUSY as a husband! Sometimes you just can't tell about someone; even after many years of thinking you know them.
 
April 13, 2006, 11:35 am CDT

Long term relationships

Quote From: qwerty_1

"I think I will never get the respect I deserve unless I have a ring on my finger.  It is hard to not want the wedding and make it "official" by law, by government, by God, and by family." 

 

  

God is not "law" "government" or even "family". God is the relationship you have to LOVE. Be it your Boy friend - family- friends and your relationship to creation. Your Creator does not condemn or reject you--- people do. People are taught social boundries  very early in life. Doesnt make it right, just makes it what it is. I don't know you but I respect you for making your post- loving another and standing your ground. Respect is earned in strength. My Cherokee heart teaches me this-- Regards,   Singing Eagle  Aho 

I agree with Singing Eagle. It is more of a social issue in most cultures than anything else. Nikkitea, I too am involved with a wonderful soul and, like you, not engaged or married. We are just boyfriend and girlfriend. Would I like an "upgrade"? Sure. But until then, it would be nice to be addressed on wedding invitations as "Audra" instead of "guest" or see my picture in family photo albums.  Your partner should take more responsibility in this too, as it sounds like his family is a bit  judgemental, materialistic, and ignorant. Two people don't need a big, expensive ceremony, diamonds, white dresses, tuxedos, and courthouse documents to love each other.  It sounds like other people may need that, but if the two of you don't, carry on! By the way, some states recognize "common law" marriages if a couple has shared the same address for up to seven years. Perhaps you are already married!
 
April 13, 2006, 12:26 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: jenoc99

Studies show that people who live together first actually have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live together first- kind of surprising don't you think? I thought so at first, but then I really thought about it, and it makes sense. When two people live together, often times there is this fantasy that once the wedding is over, their partner will 'magicaly' change into the perfect husband/wife. And then, that doesn't happen. What happens is that life goes right back to the way it was before the wedding. 

Anyone considering getting married after only a few months/weeks together, slow down! What is the rush!? I think that most of us want to find that partner to be with forever, but its best to go slow and steady instead of fast and furious like that first couple on the show. 

My husband, of 5 years, and I got married after knowing one another for 10 months. I believe that there is something to say about love at first sight. There are going to be people who don't believe in that at all, but it's their opinion. We are happily married, and work to make our marriage work. You don't get married and expect things to "just work out".No, it's doesn't work that way. If you need a book to tell you how to be married, you shouldn't be married. Marriage is a partnership, give and take, if you are too selfish, marriage isn't for you. You shouldn't have to read a book to find that out.
 
April 13, 2006, 12:29 pm CDT

Don't Make a Decision Now

Quote From: xtina0775

I just need someone's advice.   

  

A little over two years ago I came out of a 4 year relationship in which I was cheated on.  I was deeply in love with this man and he betrayed me.  After a long depression I got over it - or so I thought.  Then I met my now fiance in October of 2004.  He treated me like a princess and loved me so much and I loved him a lot too -- I was very happy.  He was my dream man.  April of 2005 we moved in together and then June of 2005 became engaged.  We were scheduled to wed this July of 2006 but we recently found out I am pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant walking down the isle so we postponed to July 2007.  Now all of a sudden I feel things went way too fast and I feel trapped and feel like I have made a huge mistake in my life.  I am now unsure if I love him and am not sure how to get my confused mind back in order.  I am over my head I feel and not sure how to get that love back that I felt for him in the beginning.  I am also not sure if this is real or just my hormones talking...I have tried couseling but it is not helping so far.  Any advice?? 

If you are pregnant now you are in a very emotional state.  Now is not the time to make a life-changing decision.  You were very happy until you got pregnant and had to postpone the wedding.  It's probably the cumulative stress of the wedding planning, postponement, and pregnancy (not to mention the financial implications) that has got you down.  You were ready for one big event, but not the whole bunch of it at once.   You are not trapped.  You probably haven't made a huge mistake, but even if you have, you can get through it.  Just don't make a bigger mistake by making a decision based on hormones and emotions.   Tell your fiance how you feel and work together through this difficult time.   If he treats you like a princess he will be glad to work with you on this - and it will be good practice for all the other difficulties life will throw at you if you do get married.  

 

Please also realize that sometimes love is not what we FEEL, but what we DO.  Love is not dizzy romance, but the elevation of another's needs over our own.  So when you don't feel love, use the word as a verb.   Deliberately and actively LOVE your fiance, care for him, nurture him.  After the baby has come and things have settled down you will be in a better mental space to determine what you are really feeling.  And you will know that you have behaved responsibly and with integrity.  But don't worry about the wedding or the next 50 years (or even 5 years) of your life at this point - just get through the pregnancy first.   You need to focus on one priorty, and that should be keeping yourself and your baby well. 

 
April 13, 2006, 12:58 pm CDT

Married in just 3 months too................

I was also married in just three short months. The show today was so easy to relate to because I had so much in common with the 2nd guest. My husband was also in the Navy and I was a single mother of two looking for someone to sweep me off my feet, he was looking for someone that would be devoted and say YES!!!! Love was not the total reason for the quick marriage and looking back now we had no foundation and just didn't know each other. The 1st 6 months involved several affairs on his part, a lot of pain and a pregnancy. He left for deployment 6 months into our marriage and it was only then that we finally moved forward. We got honest, opened up, I began to heal from the affairs, and began to understand that we had made a mistake but we're willing to build a foundation so that we could begin a marriage and start our family. Our 6 months apart was the best thing that happened to us because I finally knew who I had married. It is almost a year later we are still together and IN LOVE...... Marriage is a gift and if its right will be there in 3 months, 1 year, or 3 years later. No rush is needed when love and a solid foundation is involved. So to those who think love is at first sight, it may be but just take your time to make sure it lasts a lifetime.
 
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