Topic : 04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

I think the difference is the difference between people who choose to only cohabit once they marry and those who are more casual about cohabitation. Most of the people I know who have been successfully married did not cohabit with anyone but the person they married.  The people I know who lived together with someone and then married didn't marry the first person they lived with.

 I am a 27 yr old male from the north  and the person im with is 27 female from the south. Two different lifestyles we met at her cousins wedding in maine. I went to school with her cousin and her husband is my best friend. Upon meeting in maine we hit it off, i was teaching at the time no makeing much money living with mom and dad, she works as a tv personality. I decided to move to see if it would work, there was a struggle from the begining I had a hard time finding work and got allot of confederate questions even being singled out in a bar by her good friends upon my opinions of the flag ...she backed them, big fight etc.  After 3 months we got engaged on her TV show on air LIVE .....then it happend she planned the wedding in a month ....we faught allot and aruged about tic tac things when it hit me ...do i want to raise childeren so far from my family here in the south..do I want my children to miss out on what i had growing up ...so i asked to slow it down ..we had called off the wedding two other times due to convenice issues with family and friends ...could not be on a day of a football game ...so the wedding was set for may 28th of 2006. I asked in feb if we could post pone due to the fights and some issues that had arisen..  she took the ring off and threw it at me ...I have never left even though the ring has come off 8 times ...are fights have excalated to physical i have brusies and scrathes every time we fight ...I push back at times to get her to stay away ...something im not proud of at all ....she says things like she hates me and is not in love with me anymore then says she said them to get back at me ...she made me listen to her about the wedding after it was cancelled as she said in hopes i would just say ok lets get married...she makes great money  and no degree i have a degree and cant find a job i fit in or like ...she pused for a house ...all in her name ...

i cant get over the fights and how violent they get ..nor the things that are said ...her mother has said if the wedding is up north she would not go ...she wont move saying her family would not be around ..but that i should be able to live away from my family ......sounds contradicting .....please help me ......I do lover her and know its frustration causing her to be so angry but y would you say those things......again the ring is now in my possession and will not be given back we, live together and things are a mess at times but great others.......i dont know if i want to have my children so far from my family .......what should I do ...i am no angel in this and have pushed back at times but i feel sometimes you need to so you dont get hurt ......I dont know what to do ....is this worth saveing ...can anyone help me and us ??????      please ......we have allot of good times....i seems to be once a month we go through something dramatic .....please help .....is there a silver lining a way to solve the liveing away from my parents ?? am i being selfish by wanting to have my family around ......I have never asked her to move -- i feel everything is so one sided .....thank you for your time .......

I met my husband on the internet and we talked on-line for two evenings, I met him on the third evening, he proposed the day after we met and we were married  about six weeks later.  That was six years ago and we are very happy, best friends.  We have everything in common and feel like we have known each other all our lives.  But then we were older, Jim was 56 and I was 55.   I had been divorced (after 20 years of marriage to an alcholoic) for 15 years and he had lost his wive 14 months before we met.

I had made up a list of 10 qualities I was looking for in my next husband and decided I would not settle for less than 9 out of the 10.  I would waive the  "Millionaire" status if he had all the other qualities, which he did.

We have met some problems with his children and a bit of resentment, (their mother died 14 months before we met).  But we have worked through the situations and talked through them.  I am very "tough-love" oriented and Jim is very non-confrontational.  We agree on the action and carry through together. 

Religion plays an important part in our relationship and in every decision we make together.  I do believe that being older, you have a better sense of what you are looking for in a person and ability to make better judgments.

I knew my first husband for 6 years before I married him and did not know him at all.  I only knew Jim for 6 weeks and yet I knew everything about him.  Why the difference, I don't know, Do you?

 Like Dr. Phil, I don't think your "fiances" would have jumped off a cliff at the thought of losing you.  I would not admit that I had been engaged 7 times and was never mature enough to cultivate a meaningful relationship. Your tradeoff is the present. You're in your mid-40's, average in appearance, and alone.

I don't want to slam anyone, but, that said, how ridiculous is it to be on the fence about marriage, but ALREADY have kids together?  Sorry, people, but you are already joined for life.  Marriage is easy to get out of, shared parenthood is impossible to end.  I am a staunch feminist, and I usually scoff at all the pressure put on women to marry, but I take having children very seriously.  So many people seem to think it's no big deal.  These are not caring, solid parenting situations.

I'm convinced that pregnancy is women's big power play.  Men have controlled marriage forever, simply because they have had the lion's share of the money, which is necessary to start a household.  However, when women get tired of men calling the shots, they say "guess what, now you're hooked - I'm pregnant!"  If only women would look around and see that that particular scenerio ALWAYS causes either misery or divorce.

Since I'm on a roll, if a guy does not want to get married, he's "just not that into you."  The rest is just polite chitchat.