Topic : 04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

I'm a hopeless romantic that would never purposly discourage love, but in regards to marrying too soon...I have personally learned the horrific effects of jumping in too deep, too fast.  Approx. 6 years ago, I met a 'man' and at the time and for a while, it was love at first sight.  I'm embarrassed to say that after 2 months of dating, he proposed, I accepted.  Twice we tried to get married and each time something happened to post-pone our courthouse marriage.  If there is such a thing, call that divine intervention.   I cannot express enough to anyone what a violent ending my 'true love' story had.  To back up, we moved in together and co-habitated for almost 4 years.   2 years in, I finally opened my eyes and realized that I was living with a manipulative, mean-spirited sociopath.  Long story short - he viciously attacked me in the home that I still live in.  Not only had my life been threatened several times, several ways, but  I was sexually assaulted, verbally abused, beaten, kicked, chocked and forced to be a hostage in my own home for 24 hours.  Happy to be alive, but in a severe amount of pain, broken, swollen, bloody and bruised.  To all persons who feel as if they truly know someone after a short time and are ready to take the plunge, please be sure there are no harmful objects under the surface.  My blindness to the warning signs almost killed me. 

Having survived that, I also had to endure years of Personal Protection Orders and looking over my shoulder.  But again, and most important, I survived.  There are still many days that I look around my home and vividly remember the events of those hours.   My only hope is that no one else ever has to experience that type of ending to what should've been a happliy-ever-after. 

I agree, many of my friends who married successfully, did NOT live together before marriage, but I know many who have NOT lived together, and were divorced in a year.My "Husband " and I have lived together now for seventeen years with two children, and yes both children are his.  Do they know mom and Dad aren't REALLY married like their friend's parents, sure they do, we've never hidden that from them, and yet funny, they've never questioned our love for them, or the stability of their family, no big deal for us or our REAL friends, so it was no big deal to them.

My husband and I thought it was better to provide a stable happy home, and to look after our kids together, no matter what, whether we stayed together or not, that was our focus, not what family or friends thought, and you know it was funny, they did come around, maybe they didn't like it, but it didn't matter.

Now, that being said, My friends that went ahead lived together, then got married,well yes they are divorced, but why ?  In one case, once he figured, " great, she signed the papers, she can't leave, I now own her."  In another case, she thought "well we're married so NOW he MUST toe the line. "

I have nothing against mariage, but we have no plans to change things, and I think I worry less than my actual MARRIED friends.

Marriage just isn't my thing.  My advice though before planning to live common-law, here in Canada or in The United States, check with your provincial or state courts to find out if you need to register your status, especially if your plan on owning property or having children together, if for no other reason than to protect your own and the childrens rights.

Whether you choose to marry, or live common-law, it IS a commitment, and either way, both parties should do their RESEARCH into their local  laws and find out the ins and outs of both options before deciding, no regrets here about my decisions, so I don't need anyone preaching to me, or trying to change my mind.

thank You

First, I'm so sorry that happened to you.  :-(

Sociopaths act super loving & attentive in the beginning, sweeping women off their feet.  They don't immediately show their true colors.  If you marry a guy in the romantic glow of his early super-romantic ultra attentive behavior without taking adequate time to get to know him first, you run the risk that Prince Charming is really a sociopath.  And about 1 out of 23 people are believed to be sociopaths. 

First, I want to say congratulations to those of you who had short pre-marital relationships yet still manage to have long happy relationships.  I think what many people seem to miss, however, is that for everyone one of you, there are so many more out there that get married so soon and end up in bad marriages or worse divorces.  If you are the type of person that is prone to make a marriage work, then you would have made a lengthy courtship work, too.  If you are not the type of person that can make a rough marriage work, wouldn't you at least like to increase your odds of making the right decision by getting few years under your belt first? 

I too believe in love at first site, but there are two thoughts on that:

1. If it is really love at first site, it will still be love at 1000th site.  There is no reason in the world why waiting to get married is bad for a relationship.  There are a hundred reasons why not waiting can be bad.

2. Although it may truly be love at first site for you, and it may look like love at first site for your partner, only time will tell if your partner is the type of person to fall hard and cool off later.  Waiting until you have been through a few hard times should settle it.  Two months is almost never enough to really hit hard times.

As for those readers who have commented that they have been waiting forever for their man to give the marriage "ok", there is no good reason for waiting an unreasonable length of time to get married.  If he says that he wants to save up money or get a better job first, sit down with him and draw up a plan for making those happen that includes a reasonably firm timeframe.  Then, if he isn't working torward that plan, he probably isn't the right one for you.  Think hard about getting out!

And, yes, I'm a happily married man who knew that my wife was the right one from week two.  She knew I was the right one after month two.  We could have gotten married right then, but we waited 2 1/2 years and have no regrets!

  I also married a sailor and we only went together for three weeks before we got married. We just KNEW we were right for each other. We were from total opposite sides of the US  and two total different families but same religion and we enjoyed many of the same things.  I do not believe that length of time has anything to do with it. I think that the couples in trouble because they were engaged too soon would have had problems no matter how long they knew each other. My husband and I were a unique couple that is for sure and everyone was shocked when we told them we had been married after three weeks. NOW the important thing is that we were very much in love the whole time and we were married for 39 years. We would still be married today had he not suddenly got cancer and died last October 12 2005 , one month before his 65th birthday and our 39th Anniversary.. He was my best friend, my soul mate and I miss him very very much.

I remarried for the second time after only three months of dating a man I met in church.  I thought it was a great sign.  We were in love at first sight.  We believed that because we had both learned our lessons from our first marriages that we wouldn't make the same mistakes.  Unfortunately we didn't talk about parenting skills and techniques, money matters, dealing with ex-spouses....nothing.  We were in love and got married.  The honeymoon lasted about three years for the two of us, but the children from both marriages truly got caught in the middle because we didn't have a common plan.  Looking back I realize it was a mistake.  After ten years the marriage ended.  I wouldn't want to make that mistake again.