Topic : 04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years.  I have two children from a previous marriage and we have one together.  We met in January, started dating in August, engaged in September and married in November.  I thought he was the man of my dreams.  He seemed so perfect for me and my children in everyway.  We had gone through some rough spots and separated after being married for fives years.  Got back together after three months of being separated.  We were finally able to talk out our problems and we seemed to be more in love then when we were first together.  I really thought it was going to be great after that, and the first year back together was.  Then, I got really sick and found out that I have a life long illness that comes and goes whenever it feels like.  I was then sexually attacked and we had to deal with that.  Now, I am almost a completely different person then I was after all these changes with myself.  I can no longer be as active as I was because of my illness.  It seems like all of this has been too much for him and we have really drifted apart.  I guess him for having to deal with all of it and me for realizing that I thought I was marring one man and got another.  I know if it were me in his shoes, I wouldn't feel any differently, but I know he does.  Even if he had some kind of accident and could never walk again, I would still love and take care of him the way I would have if it had never happened.  I feel abandoned for being sick and having limitataions.  If I would have known this, I really don't think I would have gotten back together with him.  Now, I feel really stuck.  I don't want to upset our children again by splitting up.  It was very difficult on them.  I cannot work a hectic job, (which is what pays the most) so I am afraid to be a single parent again.  I have spoken with him twice that we need to recconnect or our marriage will end eventually, but he has not made any attempts to do so.  I know all of this has to do with marring so soon after we met.  I would definitely tell others not to make the same mistake.  Life is so unpredictable that you never know what may happen.  You must go through hard times with someone to fully know how you will handle them together as a unit before committing to a long life together.  Be 100% sure that the person you choose CAN and WILL be able to stand next to you fully without any doubts before being married.  Just because he is a good man and good provider doesn't mean that he is the one that will be their for you when it really counts.  Find all of this out before you say "I do".  Anyway, any advice for this situation would be greatly appreciated.  It is very easy to say get out, but I also feel that my children really need a stable home.  Oh, also, we don't fight much at all.  It is not a poisonous home for them.  We just basically go day to day.  A lot of times we don't even talk much to eachother.  We are very civil and it seems like we co-function for the families sake.  I know I don't want to live like this, but I feel as if I don't have any other choice.  I want to be loved and nurtured and comforted.  He claims that he is so unhappy with his work and how life is and the constant struggle with finances and the pressures of parenting that he has nothing left to give.  Do I wait until or it changes one day?  I really don't know what the right thing is to do.  I keep saying that my time will come.  I wish it was now, but shouldn't the kids happiness and stable home life come first.  If I was on my own they would miss out on after shool functions and sporting events and such, because I would be working all the time and if I wasn't working I would be in bed crying in pain from working my body so hard due to my illness.  PLEASE HELP!!!

The saying you find love when your not looking for it is so true!  The day I met my husband, I decided I was going to enjoy being single and quite looking for love.

For fun one morning I was on Yahoo Personals looking for someone to visit with.  I decided to use the Lucky Spin option, just a random guy.  I even thought that would it be crazy if I got married to someone I met this way.  First new face, I clicked on his profile and liked what I read just thinking maybe I will make a new friend.  How was I to know he would end up being my best friend?

We had a great chat that morning.  When I had to leave, I gave him my number to call me that night.  He called me exactly when I asked him to and told me he was looking forward to talking to me that entire day.

At the beginning, I told him that it would be cool to hang out sometime and wasn't planning to date him.  The more we talked and had in common (our feelings about life and relationships) the more I changed my mind.   It was changing quickly: from maybe we should go on a date to maybe ending up in a relationship someday down the road. 

We were completely honest with one another from the beginning and realized we were falling in love.  We knew this was a bit crazy but we were following our hearts.  My heart was racing and I was scared to say those three little words, then he said that he loved me and I told him I loved him too. 

We agreed to take down our profiles.  As we continued to talk, I blurted out: I believe you are the man I want to marry! He asked if it was a proposal and asked me to marry him.  We decided to do it quickly, maybe we’ll even write a book someday.  We started to plan out our lives together.   

We talked on the phone over 16 hours before meeting 3 days later.  We went out for dinner and talked late into the night.  We spent every moment we could together and on the phone while apart.

He's in the Army and the night after we met, he asked what if he got deployed?  Would I still want to get married? I told him of course, that he's worth the wait.  Unfortunately, the next day this became a reality for us.

Earlier that morning, I was talking on the phone with my dad.  He was very eager to meet him and already assumed we were going to get married.  I took Tom to meet my parents that weekend, they absolutely loved him!  (My mom and granny were concerned about the deployment issue just because of hard it would be on me.)  I asked my parents if they would serve as our witnesses and they said yes. 

The night before we got married I introduced him to one of my friends.  When I spoke alone with my friend he said he was happy for me and could tell how happy I was.  I told him how long we had known each other and he told me, his parents only knew one another a week before tying the knot 27 years ago.   

Getting married was very emotional for the two of us, I cried after we said our vows.  The man of my dreams is now my husband. 

That weekend, we went to Missouri to surprise his parents (they knew nothing about me).  They were shocked for only a moment and then welcomed me into the family with open arms.  I have the best in-laws I could ever ask for!  We didn't tell them how long we were together, but his mom already assumed it was not very long.  That's not an issue to her, since they got married after dating for only 3 months (47 years ago). 

We made the most of our time together before he was deployed.  The more we learn about one another, the more we fall in love.   He was deployed 5 weeks after we got married. 

We have been married over 7 months now.  During this time our love grows stronger and we continue to grow closer.   We have yet to have an argument and refuse to during this time (8000 miles apart: it’s pointless!).   

He continues to sweep me off my feet with his words.  He's proud to be a romantic and surprises me with flowers.  I'm finally embracing my mushy side when I send his weekly care packages. 

We know we are a rare pair.  We are both in out late 20's and have the crazy part of our 20's out of our system.  This is the first marriage for the two of us and neither one of us has children.  Of course that was the first two questions our friends asked when they learned of the news.   

I have made a lot of positive changes in my life since meeting him.  I believe that he's a blessing from God because the night we first talked on the phone, was my first night on my journey of sobriety.  I had a drinking problem for over 3 years. I always knew good things would happen but not this quickly. 

On February 17, 2007 we are going to renew our vows so our friends and family can celebrate the love we have for one another!   

I got married two months after meeting my husband...one thing you mentioned I believe is super important!  TALKING!  We didnt mix sex in until we had spent weeks and hours just talking about eveyrthing under teh sun.  I mean EVERYTHING.  I learned more about him that I knew about all my previous boyfriends together.  I think so many get married because they are in love with the idea of marriage, being a couple and don't really plan what happens after marriage.  I read alot of comments here about how hard marriage is and I agree.  My marriage isn't perfect but its happy, its real and it feels right...even when we're so pissed at each other we can't see straight (which isnt very often).  We both brought baggage and have worked hard to eliminate it and see if for what it is...that alone has created alot more security in our relationship and less stress.  Its hard to face though at times because we all want to believe we left it behind long ago. 

My biggest advice to people wanting to jump in....make sure you've talked till you have nothing to say (which has yet to happen to us!) and be honest with what you want. Don't think you'll change something you don't like after you get married.  I fyou don' like it now...you'll hate it even more in 6 months.  Women want to nuture...lose that idea when you're deciding what is right for you.  You don't want to be the guys mom either.  The more honest with yourself you are..the better choices you will make...so listen to that little voice you try to ignore.

AJ

WOW...I thought I was reading something I wrote....I told my husband the same thing...I am clingy and was afraid I'd scare him off in the beginning...so I warned him...its also why we didnt sleep together right away. The first time we met after he left me (we met at a bowling alley with some friends and were there about 1/2 hour) he went to his friends and said...she's the one.   LOL  So we both knew right away but did like you said...TALKED, and talked and talked.  He owns a semi truck so we would talk for hours on the phone in those first months when he'd be on the road (he drove Canada to Portland alot then and would be gone late afternoon to the next day...(I'd go see him before he'd leave).  I also was only getting married once and I didnt wait to be 39 to mess it up!!

AJ

My parents,   God bless them, met on a blind date on New years eve and were married 6 weeks later.  They just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.  After 3 children, 8 grandchildren and 15 great grandchildren, at the ages of 87 and 83 they are still going strong.  They are wonderful parent and great role models.  My father at 87 just found out he has a slow growing cancer.  My mother fuses over him all the time.  I have worked in the geriatric field for 30 + years and I have no doubt that the day one of them leaves this world the other will be very close behind because after 65 years they both do not want to live without the other. Theirs was a marriage you no longer see .I only hope my marriage will be as strong as theirs.  I have been married for 26 years, its been rocky at times but my role models were very strong.  My husbands parents were married for 27 years before his father passed. they were married after 2 months and had 5 children in 7 years.  It also was a very strong marriage and there was 27 years difference in their ages. My husband and I knew each other for about 6 months, and I'm 7 years older then he is. He was 20 when we got married and was only married for 5 months before we had a 3 month premature baby,with a birth defect, he was in the hospital for 4 months and on oxygen for 13 months. Our marriage has been tested,  he was 16 when he received a head injury from a baseball that ended up causing a blood clot on his brain, which resulted in personality changes and short term memory loss with depression and was 21 years of age when he tried to commit suicide.  We put him in treatment and to make a long story short, he is now 25 and doing great.  He is on medication which he will have to take the rest of his life, but he knows this and has come to terms with it.  Our daughter at age 18 was on drugs, and we put her into a drug rehab.  she spent 30 days in there and when she got out became pregnant.  She had the baby and lived with us, she recently had her 2nd daughter and is getting married May 5th to a very nice young man.  To say the least our lives have been tested.

in 2000 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C that I got when my son was born in 1980.  My health has not been good and I had to quit work in 2003.  We ended up losing just about everything but our house and had to take bankruptcy.  But our marriage is strong and I hope we have 65 years  together like my parents.