Topic : Single Parenting

I am a single mom for two years now and I am frustrated. I love my kids to death. My husband left two years ago and cheated on me, he is now with another woman (not the one he left me for) and he is doing well. He left me with the house which is in rough shape and the kids are here with me. I love my three children deeply. My life would be so empty without them. But i notice  a change in myself lately and them, My oldest is 11 and she is getting mouthy and not listening. The middle who is 7 now is starting to awnser back, i would say before the end of this school year. I am trying the best I know how. this week their cousing slept over and they are more hyper than usual.  I hit my oldest today and find myself yelling all the time now. I am not that kind of person. I never yelled and never hit. I'm not sure why they are acting the way they do and for me why I starting yelling more now....like everyday I'm screaming at them. I hate the when I do that because its not me. I want to be the old me kind, never swearing, and gentle. It's so frustrating to me. Does anyone have any advice for me so I don't swear or yell at them. I know it is wrong to hit also but my anger got the best of me. And now I don't want them telling their dad.

Everytime they go over they act all nice for him and for me it is the opposite. It is frustrating that I don't have a license and have to walk everywhere or that i have no money cuz everything is spent on groceries, mortgage, and bills. Even the child tax credit when it should be for them. PLease help and  yes I know it is wrong to hit and i don't want to do that because that's not how I want them to remember the childhood years.

i think they are acting out because they know you're getting worn out. besides that, maybe the low money situation is hard for them too, so that could be a reason too. i'm not gonna tell you how bad it is and etc. to hit, because i understand that you indeed not mean too, but you're tired and stressed. if you get angry, because they have done something they shouldn't. tell them to go to their room, and that you will come in five minutes or so, to tell them what their punishment is. or if going to their room is enough punishment just send them there. in those five minutes, you can get yourself back together and calmed down, and you can then tell them what their punishment is, no discussion don't let yourself get angry again. so tell them only what their punishment is, and that's it, and if they talk back, and you don't want them to, warn them that if they say another word, or have that kind of attitude, the punishment will be doubled. i'm usually very strict in back talking, because if you give them you're finger they'll take your whole hand. it's not like some other things, like you can let them talk back a little, because they will start doing it more and more, so it's either they can't, in which case you have to be very strict on it, or they can, and then you have a couple of back talking kids.

good luck with it.

annemiek

You need a plan....

Here you go......

First of all, find yourself a church, a good strong church where they have a children's ministry, sunday school and activities... such as Baptist, Methodist, Catholic.... what ever you demonination is....

Join and take your children every sunday to sunday school so that they can learn respect and what God expects of children.

While they are in thier children's sunday school class, you should be in an adult class.

Next.....

Exercise... run, or briskly walk to get out that agression while listening to some good insprirational music.

Next.....

Sell the house....

Take some of the money and place it in an  interest bearing account.

Take the remainder and either buy and smaller more affordable house or move in to an affordable rental... so that finances is not an issue.

Next...

Stop comparing yourself to your ex....

Have a sit down discussion time talk with your mouthy children separately and tell them the rules, what is acceptable and what is not in terms of talking back...

No yelling, as that indicates to them that you lost your power.... no crying in front of them... save that for the privacy of your bedroom.

Show happiness and strength... so they will feel secure... They feel insecure with you because they see you falling apart....

PULL IT TOGETHER SISTER.... you are almost there.

It's ok, that you don't have a car...... BUT.... when you sell the house and create money for yourself..... you can either hire a driver or make an arrangement witht he local taxi cab driver... You see, taxi cabs make little money, BUT if they know you are going to use them on such and such date every such and such hour or so... they will cut you a break....  It's nice acutally....

When your children get out of line, put them on time out, take away their favorite toys or tv time..., learn how to give them that LOOK.....

the LOOK is for example, when I was a kid, my mother was a yeller at home, but such a lady and well put together woman in public..... so when we were out and about, if I did something wrong, she would just LOOK at me a certain way and I would stop and behave. That LOOK told me that if I did not stop NOW there would be hell to pay.... although, there was never HELL to pay, because I did not push her to that point, once I saw that LOOK.

So when I grew up and had a kid and she was mishaving at home or in public, I gave her that LOOK and she stopped... never had to threaten her, just the LOOK did something.... that all the yelling could never do.....

Kids know how far they can push you, so you have to be the adult, shift gears on them and handle your business....

let me know how it goes...

Sincerely

You have an easy fix.....

Here's what you do.....

Take your daughter and go on a mother daughter retreat...... many churches have them.... they are usually on a camping ground and last a couple of weeks.

or

If you can't find one, then go to a local triple AAA office or a travel agency with your daughter and together you two pick out a vacation place and sit down and plan it together.  The occasion... Mother and daughter time... ....

Then go shopping for the trip or retreat..... Be GIRLS.....

Connect with her, learn about her, be still, be quiet and listen to her. You just may learn something....

Have a BLAST..... 

You only have a couple of years before she is out in the world on her own....

Hug her alot on the trip kiss her, comb her hair, do her nails, let her do your nails, play with make up.....

Play on the beach or climb a tree....  be GIRLS....

Then plan this get away at least once a quarter..... this is her time, her time.... where you are catering to her and connecting with her feelings and reconnecting as her mother. Then you will regain her trust and respect, then she will listen to you.

Do not let a man come between you and your daughter.... cherish her love, but at the same time, you can not allow your daughter to dictate your life, but how can you do this...

First you have to reconnect with your daughter, where you will regain her respect and acceptance. Talk to her after you have listened to what she has to say.... make sure she knows that he is not replacing her in your life but meant to enhance your lives...

Make sure that he knows that he is not the boss of your teen. That's your job, given her issues....

Let me know how it goes...

Sincerely

I have been struggling with some guilt lately re: my ex having visits w/ my son.  It all started out with a comment my lawyer made to me.  We were leaving the courthouse and he mentioned that he had an ex girlfriend who was a single mom and looked forward to visits so she could have a break.  Honestly, I have no one.  No one to babysit at all.  A handful of times my bff mom has taken Z and that's it.  Then this weekend I had to miss I party that I organised myself.  The party ended up falling apart anyhow, but it was still dissappointing.  Dont get me wrong btw, Im not complaining.  I know Im a mom, I cant always go out drinking whenever I want, I get it.  I have only been to 1 party since I got pregnant in Feb 2005.  I want out of this house, I want quiet, I want to talk about tv  shows, current events and RECENT case studies with actual adults and without having to say, "one sec, honey dont put your finger up your nose k?"  I am so guilty about this, but..it would kinda be great if J (my ex) were to shape up, (I have no expectations there).  I could get more school work done, my house could be clean for at least a few hours I could go out, I could wear jewelerry w/o it being yanked on/off.  I wish he could take visits, I wish he wasnt such a dead beat dad.  For Z and for me.

I am so sorry but I am so guilty-angry-burned-out.  I knew being a single mom would be hard.  I dont mind that.  I just getting so frustrated. 

I want to be able to:

• watch tv w/o having to squint to see judge judy through the sticky toddler fingerprints all over the screen.
• Clean one room and move on to a next w/o coming into the first and finding it exactly the same as before it was cleaned when Im done.
• Put Zack trucks on their shelf w/o hearing a full out tantrum.
• To eat an entire dinner w/o having to ever say the phrase "Please don't put that in your ear/hair/nose"
• Watch something on tv that doesnt involve; clowns, squeeky voices, creepy animals, our dancing dinosaurs.
• Safely walk through my livingroom at night, w/o fear of being permanantly crippled by any number of painful-to-step on toys.
• Sit for 10 minutes straight w/o hearing a screeched "mumma!" and being dragged off the sofa.
• Takea nap w/o having blocks bruise my ribs because I rolled off a poptart to painfully find a stash of them hidden under the blankets.
• Drink until I forget how stressed I am by all the above mentioned trivialties.

Am I alone in this?  Does this all make me a horrible mom/person.  This has been bothering me so much, I must be such a terrible and weak person to be whining about these things.  I just wish J was a good father.  I just want a break sometimes.  God...I miss my house not being sticky.  *sigh*

I'd love to have some advice on this. My daughter has been raising her 4 year old daughter alone. The father has been in and out of her life to the point that my granddaughter calls him by his first name most of the time. Recently he came over for a visit and critiqued my daughter's parenting skills saying that she was making "Emily" a wus by loving on her when she gets hurt. My daughter and granddaughter live in an apartment with tiled floors. She fell and hurt herself, is hugging her telling her she will be okay so wrong? He said that if you get too close to your kids they will be needy and never be able to do anything on their on. His idea of parenting is to keep kids distant, to make them fear you for respect, and to not show love when something happens to them because to show love means weakness and it makes them equal to the parent. He has a 10 month old daughter with another woman and last week at his visitation with his baby my daughter called to find out if he was coming over. Evidently the baby was touching something she shouldn't and he screamed at her, the cleaned up version..."Leave that alone or I'll bust your f-ing a@$. "  When my daughter said he shouldn't scream at her, he said that's what would make her tough. I raised my kids with disipline, always followed by love and understanding. His mother by his own admission never hugged him or loved him. How can you tell someone that comes into a childs life sporaticaly at best that a child being raised in a single parent home needs love and support? I know he's not right about any of this but how do you tell him? Should someone who rarely shows up and spends as little time as he can with his child have a say in how she's raised, especially since my daughter is an excellent Mother and is doing a wonderful job alone? I say he has NO right to say anything, he litterally has only been in her life maybe a year in the past 4. If you have any advice I would really appreciate it.

Im hoping to get a little advice. I am a single parent to my 5 year old daughter Mya. It has been just her and I since she was 4 months old and yes I have struggled with everything a sinlge parent goes through. My family has always been able to help me out with advice on everything except this one. My daughter has been asking why she doesn't have a dad? I would never tell her that her dad is a "dead beat" becaue I know that just isn't the right thing to do. I don't want to say too much or too little but with her starting school next week I feel it will come up more with her classmates. For example I took her swimming and a boy of the same age asked her where her dad was and she just stared at the water. I wanted to instantly break down and dunk this kid for being so nosey. She replied "I don't have a dad but I want one". It was like torture and I really don't know how in depth to go with her on this? Another occasion was last year she said to me" I don't have a dad I just have a mom"..I replied to her with you know mommy loves you more than all the stars in the sky and mommy is looking for the "perfect" daddy and sometimes that takes a awhile...She was ok with this answer for the time being. Do I keep eveything short and simple with her? Her dad has never spent anytime with her nor has he ever paid child support. I have photos but Im not sure that sharing them with her now is a good thing...HELP!