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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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June 3, 2008, 9:21 am CDT

a father who has learned

I don't know why I post this. I can only say that I'm a single father who has learned a very valuable and important lesson. I hope any men who read this can take a moment and think. I am not preaching nor do I think I am now the greatest father. I can only hope it causes some men to sit back and think. So, here goes....

 

 There are many thoughts that I contemplate deep within the corridors of my mind. One of which I will attempt to talk about is LOVE. Has anybody truly sat down and thought about what love truly is? As I sit and think a thought comes to mind.

In growing up in a Latino home I saw that showing love as a man was to work and provide for the family. my father was a hard working man. He worked six days a week and in the 19 years I lived at home I never saw my father take a vacation, a day off, or a sick day. However, my father never said the words "I love you." My mother would always say, "Your father loves you. Look at what he does for us. Do you think it's easy to pay the bills?"

 

When my son was born I too started out like my father. For the first six months of my son's life I worked as many overtime hours as possible. Many times exceeding 70 hours per week. I would come home after work and spend no quality time with my son. I would not change a diaper, warm a bottle, give him a bath, or rock him to sleep. In my ignorance I thought it was my wife's job. Little did I know that my life was about to drastically change. I ended up separated and divorced.

 

This left me to take care of my son all alone when I had him. I had to bathe him, change him, feed him, rock him to sleep, and wake up at night when he cried. To say I had no idea what I was doing is an understatement! I have never experienced anything so physically, mentally, and emotionally tough and draining. In going through that life altering experience I have found a new respect and admiration for all single mothers. Words can't express the level of sacrifice a single mother gives. I was not a single father in the true sense of the word because I shared custody with my ex-wife. However, the days I had my son it was as if I worked 24 hours a day. To all the single mothers out there THANK YOU! I finally realize what the word love really means. I am so thankful for what I went through. I have developed a connection with my son that I would never have had. How many father out there know there son's favorite color, favorite cartoon, or even their favorite food? We as fathers take the little moments for granted. Simply giving your child a bath is a bonding event. I found myself getting emotional just watching my little boy play so happily in the bath. With all the crashing and shooting sounds he made with his toys my connection and love grew. I found myself laying next to him watching him sleep, listening to his little breaths, and sometimes taking in a deep smell from the top of his head. The weird thing is that to this day when I think of those moments I can still smell his baby scent. I can't imagine the connection a mother has carrying a life within her for 9 months. Then going through the long, arduous, and pain staking birth process. When I think of that bond I'm envious. It makes me look within myself and ask the question: Could I be strong enough to go through that? The truthful answer is I don't know. I have a new found respect for all women in this world. I have had a revelation. Society tends to think of men as strong, leaders of their families. Guess what??? Not true at all. We as men don't realize the true sense of the word strength. We think that going to work and making money is enough. Not even close guys! A woman's work is never done, and if I had not gone through what I did I would have never known. We as men think we are the leaders of our families..... What does a leader do? A leader guides people, a leader helps people, a leader teaches people, a leader motivates people, supports people and leads by example. Who truly does all those things for your children? If you're being honest with yourself you know it's their mother. What hypocrites we are as men to think we are leaders. Who spends almost every hour of their life teaching your children right from wrong? Who spends almost every hour of their life building the moral foundation upon which your children will lie their lives? That's right.... MOTHERS.

Men, I urge you to take a serious look at your lives. Ask yourself, "Do I really know my children?" If the answer is no I'm here to tell you it's not too late. Your children love you. They want you to know them. You'll be amazed at how your love will grow by getting involved in the little day to day things. Bathe your children, cook for them, feed them, change their diapers, put them to sleep, and when they have a nightmare wake up and let your wife stay in bed (even though she will still get up). I have to be honest it feels good that my son calls out, "DADDY!" when he has a nightmare. Who do your children call out for? Love your children the way they deserve. Give yourself the opportunity to experience motherly love. Some of you may read this and laugh while others may try it. For those that do you will see that it's a life altering experience. It will change you as a father and a man. You will look at the world with different eyes. We can learn a lot from our women. I ask you to be "man" enough to try.

 
June 21, 2008, 10:16 am CDT

I need some help with my daughter

I have a 14 yr old who has major problems, and before anyone says anything, I know its because of her father and me. We were married for 8 yrs and it was pretty much all abusive, not all but most of it was. I also have a 16 yr old who is from the same father. But she just holds it all in till her and I blow up and then we make up. I know that none of this is good. I came from a very abusive family who thought degrading me was fun.  Iv had a lot of counsling for what I went through, I am doing alot better. I just dont know how to help my girls, my youngest calls me every name in the book.  I  am  B, W, she tells me to "F" off on a daily basis, I dont even ask her to help to house work anymore its just easier to do it myself.  She wont talk to a counsler, she steals smokes from me and anyone who walks in my trailer.  I dont know what to do, I want to send her to boot camp or a milliarty camp, that would straighnt her out for sure.  if anyones got any advice please let me know.  shes going to be afreshmen in high school this fall. I know she will get her butt kicked and Iv told her I wont  pitty her when it happens.    my email is jodislittlefirends@hotmail.com
 
June 21, 2008, 10:28 am CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: rapp12

I don't know why I post this. I can only say that I'm a single father who has learned a very valuable and important lesson. I hope any men who read this can take a moment and think. I am not preaching nor do I think I am now the greatest father. I can only hope it causes some men to sit back and think. So, here goes....

 

 There are many thoughts that I contemplate deep within the corridors of my mind. One of which I will attempt to talk about is LOVE. Has anybody truly sat down and thought about what love truly is? As I sit and think a thought comes to mind.

In growing up in a Latino home I saw that showing love as a man was to work and provide for the family. my father was a hard working man. He worked six days a week and in the 19 years I lived at home I never saw my father take a vacation, a day off, or a sick day. However, my father never said the words "I love you." My mother would always say, "Your father loves you. Look at what he does for us. Do you think it's easy to pay the bills?"

 

When my son was born I too started out like my father. For the first six months of my son's life I worked as many overtime hours as possible. Many times exceeding 70 hours per week. I would come home after work and spend no quality time with my son. I would not change a diaper, warm a bottle, give him a bath, or rock him to sleep. In my ignorance I thought it was my wife's job. Little did I know that my life was about to drastically change. I ended up separated and divorced.

 

This left me to take care of my son all alone when I had him. I had to bathe him, change him, feed him, rock him to sleep, and wake up at night when he cried. To say I had no idea what I was doing is an understatement! I have never experienced anything so physically, mentally, and emotionally tough and draining. In going through that life altering experience I have found a new respect and admiration for all single mothers. Words can't express the level of sacrifice a single mother gives. I was not a single father in the true sense of the word because I shared custody with my ex-wife. However, the days I had my son it was as if I worked 24 hours a day. To all the single mothers out there THANK YOU! I finally realize what the word love really means. I am so thankful for what I went through. I have developed a connection with my son that I would never have had. How many father out there know there son's favorite color, favorite cartoon, or even their favorite food? We as fathers take the little moments for granted. Simply giving your child a bath is a bonding event. I found myself getting emotional just watching my little boy play so happily in the bath. With all the crashing and shooting sounds he made with his toys my connection and love grew. I found myself laying next to him watching him sleep, listening to his little breaths, and sometimes taking in a deep smell from the top of his head. The weird thing is that to this day when I think of those moments I can still smell his baby scent. I can't imagine the connection a mother has carrying a life within her for 9 months. Then going through the long, arduous, and pain staking birth process. When I think of that bond I'm envious. It makes me look within myself and ask the question: Could I be strong enough to go through that? The truthful answer is I don't know. I have a new found respect for all women in this world. I have had a revelation. Society tends to think of men as strong, leaders of their families. Guess what??? Not true at all. We as men don't realize the true sense of the word strength. We think that going to work and making money is enough. Not even close guys! A woman's work is never done, and if I had not gone through what I did I would have never known. We as men think we are the leaders of our families..... What does a leader do? A leader guides people, a leader helps people, a leader teaches people, a leader motivates people, supports people and leads by example. Who truly does all those things for your children? If you're being honest with yourself you know it's their mother. What hypocrites we are as men to think we are leaders. Who spends almost every hour of their life teaching your children right from wrong? Who spends almost every hour of their life building the moral foundation upon which your children will lie their lives? That's right.... MOTHERS.

Men, I urge you to take a serious look at your lives. Ask yourself, "Do I really know my children?" If the answer is no I'm here to tell you it's not too late. Your children love you. They want you to know them. You'll be amazed at how your love will grow by getting involved in the little day to day things. Bathe your children, cook for them, feed them, change their diapers, put them to sleep, and when they have a nightmare wake up and let your wife stay in bed (even though she will still get up). I have to be honest it feels good that my son calls out, "DADDY!" when he has a nightmare. Who do your children call out for? Love your children the way they deserve. Give yourself the opportunity to experience motherly love. Some of you may read this and laugh while others may try it. For those that do you will see that it's a life altering experience. It will change you as a father and a man. You will look at the world with different eyes. We can learn a lot from our women. I ask you to be "man" enough to try.

 I agree with you, when I had my girls I didnt feel that bond. But after getting up with them and taking care of them I am closer to my girls then I ever thought. Your right my dad never said he loved me or was proud of me never so much as a hug. But he died when I was 17, and know, I know my dad loves me for raising my girls, I have been doing it since they were born, I was married but he was just like you " I am working to support this family" know we have been divorced for almost 9 yrs in dec. and the girls rarely see their dad, cause they dont have to if they dont want.  they are close to me and tell me everything. Well at least one does. my oldest daughter  tells me things I dont want to know.  But in the long run I know why. I was never this close to my brith mom. But my daughter sure is close to me. Matter of fact all her firends  call me mom and they are in the process of finding me a really great guy to share my life with. I tell them as long as I have them i dont need a guy in my life, I am rich byone my means................   I am sorry to hear bout your divorce, I hope things get better for you. GOOD LUCK IN LIFE
 
June 21, 2008, 10:35 am CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: mitchkj

 i completely understand your situation. I have been a single parent since i was 6 months pregnant. My son is now 2 1/2 years old. It is very difficult to get ahead. No matter how hard you try, there is always something that comes up whether it be a sickness, an unexpected bill payment. And I understand what you mean when all your money is spent on your kids. I buy some mascara and i feel guilty that i have spent the money. Being a single parent is VERY stressful. Everything is dependant on you. You have to be the disciplinarian and the friend. I have no social life, and havent had one since my son was born. I'm lucky if i can find a sitter. I too have been single for almost 3 years because there is no money for me to go out and meet people. Can't join a club, because of a)finances, and b)lack of sitters. Can't  go out to a bar, or a movie or etc etc becuase of finances and babysitting. So i completely feel the stress you are in. However, i have also dealt with the anger issue as well. My anger was soooo bad that i went to my family physician for it. For me it was a combonation of a couple issues. I was dealing with post partum, some depression because of my situation and my hormone leves were completly out of wack. With some blood work and some meds, I no longer scream like a mad women. Perhaps something like my situation is going on with you. Dont fret though. I try to keep positive. I just tell myself that perhaps at this moment i am just meant to be at home and be a mom. I am 27 years old, im not bound to be single for the rest of my life.
I do the same thing from time to time, but  what i do is a leave everything dishes, dirty cothes, vacuming, I leave it all and just sit and cry, but my kids are teens, maybe  you could teach the 2 yr old to help  clean with you, thats a start.  I am the only one who does the laundry in my trailer,  and I live with my 2 daughters  my daughters boyfirend and another firend who will be 18 in 2 weeks. They 3 out of the 4 help with dishes and cleaning, like I say I do the laundry.   But they all  kow if you want to live here you will  help out. They have no idea I wouldnt kick them  out......... thats my little secret.
 
June 23, 2008, 7:20 pm CDT

something a little different

I'm a single of mom of two boys and have been divorced for 2 years. My ex and I get along pretty well considering everything. We live about two hours away from each other and he sees the boys just about every other weekend, we meet half way. My problem is this: my ex just had his girl friend move in with him. She seems great! My oldest (7) has seen them kissing on occasion and he is very upset! I have no idea what to say to him, my son not my ex. I've tried everything but to no avail. Any advice would be great!
 
June 24, 2008, 11:11 am CDT

The Question.. I want to go to DADA's!

I am 23 y/o and a single parent of a boy that is 3.5 years old!

His father and I havent been together since I was pregnant, my son doesnt see his father that much (dads choice) I do EVERYTHING by myself and I enjoy that.

 

The Question....

All of a sudden my son keeps talking about his dad and his gf. ( i didnt think this would happen til he was 7 y.o haha....) He wants to go over to his place and take movies. He wants his dad and I to goto the beach together. He wants to know when he can go over there. He wants to know if his dad's gf is sleeping (lol i dunno) I am so not bother by talking about his father or girlfriend but im not sure how to say " wellllll... ur dad calls when HE wants to SEE you" but of course i cant say that so i say, "they are busy, maybe working or sleeping" but i know i cant go on forever saying that. (hes smart)

My son sees his father usually once a week at most for 2 hours.  I know his father gets him hyped on lots of candy and sends him back to me.

 

 

I try to explain it to my son that his dad calls but im not sure WHEN he will call and i find my son frustrated.

But the selfish thing is.. I dont want to call his father and say.." ur son wants to see you, can u come?"

I dont want to give his dad that satisfaction of knowing his son wants to see him , when his dad doesn't even take the time to come see him (take in mind, he lives less then 2 minutes away...walking!)

 

How do I get my son not to be upset about this without saying hes working, hes sleeping..and should i talk to his father about this?

 

 

Thanks!

 

 

 
July 18, 2008, 11:40 am CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: jaimie1974

At 3.5, (actually any age!) children have a way of knowing what buttons to push. When your son says these things, to you feel yourself become tense or anxious? Those are the feelings that your son is tapping into. Knowing that by saying stuff about his dad will make mom quickly give him a bunch of attention is a powerful thing for a kid. My advice to you is to take the power out of his questions. When he brings up his dad or dads girlfriend, remind yourself that you simply dont have all the answers, and calmly tell your son that you dont know what his dad is doing, then distract him with something else. The key to this is to be quick. Dont go on and on about the things his dad might be doing or not doing, just say a few words and engage him in an activity.
As soon as you can, think of a handful of ways that you can distract your son. Does he enjoy drawing/coloring, reading books, playing with certain toys? Have those things on hand to get his mind on something else. When he says, what is dad doing? dont skip a beat (that might take practice!) calmly say, I dont know, lets color! take out the coloring book and get to it. He will take your lead. If you make a big deal out of his dad not being around, so will he. If you dont make a big deal out of it, he wont either.
In closing, you are NOT selfish for not calling his dad. Your son is only 3.5, hes little and he needs you to protect his little heart. Right now, only seeing his father when it is convenient for the father is best for your son. If the father had to force himself to be with his son when he didnt want to be with him, it would show, and your son would internalize that. He would wonder what is wrong with him, blaming himself for his fathers selfish actions. You are doing what is right to protect him from that. I know it isnt always easy to be a single mom, but you are doing it, and I wish you the best.
As a single parent your job is to promote a healthy relationship with your childs father.  Even if that means that you call his dad and discuss some of the emotions your child is having in regards to separation of his dad.  As your child grows he will see how much you love and care for his well being and will come to his own conclusions for his dad.  Your feelings of not wanting his dad to know that your child misses him is purely selfish.  It doesnt mean your child doesnt love you and want to be with you.  It simply means he needs some quality time with his dad.  Dont make your child pick and choose because it will come back to haunt you!
 
July 18, 2008, 11:51 am CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: jlmay2

I have a 14 yr old who has major problems, and before anyone says anything, I know its because of her father and me. We were married for 8 yrs and it was pretty much all abusive, not all but most of it was. I also have a 16 yr old who is from the same father. But she just holds it all in till her and I blow up and then we make up. I know that none of this is good. I came from a very abusive family who thought degrading me was fun.  Iv had a lot of counsling for what I went through, I am doing alot better. I just dont know how to help my girls, my youngest calls me every name in the book.  I  am  B, W, she tells me to "F" off on a daily basis, I dont even ask her to help to house work anymore its just easier to do it myself.  She wont talk to a counsler, she steals smokes from me and anyone who walks in my trailer.  I dont know what to do, I want to send her to boot camp or a milliarty camp, that would straighnt her out for sure.  if anyones got any advice please let me know.  shes going to be afreshmen in high school this fall. I know she will get her butt kicked and Iv told her I wont  pitty her when it happens.    my email is jodislittlefirends@hotmail.com
I find it shocking that you can tell your child that you wont pitty her if she gets her butt kicked.  Sounds like she has learned her behavior from you. You find it appropriate when you display the behavior but not ok for her?  I think you need to focus on you before you preach to her.  Family counseling, individual counseling.  I would love to see you on the Dr.Phil show so that he can set you straight.
 
July 18, 2008, 11:55 am CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: rapp12

I don't know why I post this. I can only say that I'm a single father who has learned a very valuable and important lesson. I hope any men who read this can take a moment and think. I am not preaching nor do I think I am now the greatest father. I can only hope it causes some men to sit back and think. So, here goes....

 

 There are many thoughts that I contemplate deep within the corridors of my mind. One of which I will attempt to talk about is LOVE. Has anybody truly sat down and thought about what love truly is? As I sit and think a thought comes to mind.

In growing up in a Latino home I saw that showing love as a man was to work and provide for the family. my father was a hard working man. He worked six days a week and in the 19 years I lived at home I never saw my father take a vacation, a day off, or a sick day. However, my father never said the words "I love you." My mother would always say, "Your father loves you. Look at what he does for us. Do you think it's easy to pay the bills?"

 

When my son was born I too started out like my father. For the first six months of my son's life I worked as many overtime hours as possible. Many times exceeding 70 hours per week. I would come home after work and spend no quality time with my son. I would not change a diaper, warm a bottle, give him a bath, or rock him to sleep. In my ignorance I thought it was my wife's job. Little did I know that my life was about to drastically change. I ended up separated and divorced.

 

This left me to take care of my son all alone when I had him. I had to bathe him, change him, feed him, rock him to sleep, and wake up at night when he cried. To say I had no idea what I was doing is an understatement! I have never experienced anything so physically, mentally, and emotionally tough and draining. In going through that life altering experience I have found a new respect and admiration for all single mothers. Words can't express the level of sacrifice a single mother gives. I was not a single father in the true sense of the word because I shared custody with my ex-wife. However, the days I had my son it was as if I worked 24 hours a day. To all the single mothers out there THANK YOU! I finally realize what the word love really means. I am so thankful for what I went through. I have developed a connection with my son that I would never have had. How many father out there know there son's favorite color, favorite cartoon, or even their favorite food? We as fathers take the little moments for granted. Simply giving your child a bath is a bonding event. I found myself getting emotional just watching my little boy play so happily in the bath. With all the crashing and shooting sounds he made with his toys my connection and love grew. I found myself laying next to him watching him sleep, listening to his little breaths, and sometimes taking in a deep smell from the top of his head. The weird thing is that to this day when I think of those moments I can still smell his baby scent. I can't imagine the connection a mother has carrying a life within her for 9 months. Then going through the long, arduous, and pain staking birth process. When I think of that bond I'm envious. It makes me look within myself and ask the question: Could I be strong enough to go through that? The truthful answer is I don't know. I have a new found respect for all women in this world. I have had a revelation. Society tends to think of men as strong, leaders of their families. Guess what??? Not true at all. We as men don't realize the true sense of the word strength. We think that going to work and making money is enough. Not even close guys! A woman's work is never done, and if I had not gone through what I did I would have never known. We as men think we are the leaders of our families..... What does a leader do? A leader guides people, a leader helps people, a leader teaches people, a leader motivates people, supports people and leads by example. Who truly does all those things for your children? If you're being honest with yourself you know it's their mother. What hypocrites we are as men to think we are leaders. Who spends almost every hour of their life teaching your children right from wrong? Who spends almost every hour of their life building the moral foundation upon which your children will lie their lives? That's right.... MOTHERS.

Men, I urge you to take a serious look at your lives. Ask yourself, "Do I really know my children?" If the answer is no I'm here to tell you it's not too late. Your children love you. They want you to know them. You'll be amazed at how your love will grow by getting involved in the little day to day things. Bathe your children, cook for them, feed them, change their diapers, put them to sleep, and when they have a nightmare wake up and let your wife stay in bed (even though she will still get up). I have to be honest it feels good that my son calls out, "DADDY!" when he has a nightmare. Who do your children call out for? Love your children the way they deserve. Give yourself the opportunity to experience motherly love. Some of you may read this and laugh while others may try it. For those that do you will see that it's a life altering experience. It will change you as a father and a man. You will look at the world with different eyes. We can learn a lot from our women. I ask you to be "man" enough to try.

I commend you for sharing what you have learned.  As a single mother I am glad to know that there is at least one male that "gets it".  After reading some of the message boards there are alot of women that dont get it either.  I hope you continue spreading your word.  Helping one other person have this realization is well worth it because it will directly affect a child.
 
August 18, 2008, 1:38 pm CDT

single dad with free loader son

I have been a single dad for over 8 years with no help.I have a soon to be 21 year old son living with me for free while he attends college.

He does nothing to help me around the house,or help pay for food or any other bill.He does not help clean the house,I have to get into an argument just for him to clean his room.

He ad a used car but he totaled it out by messing around.Then when I was in the hospital fighting to live he took my newer truck and smashed it,and says " oh well". He owes me over $4,000.00 and does not seem to care.He is taking advantage of me and I am tired of it.

I kicked him out 3 times but after a few days he shows up.He tells me he has no place to go,that he will kill himself if I do kick him out

He has been in trouble with the law with underage drinking.I was told by my local police and social services that I can not legaly kick him out unless he threatens me or does any damage to my property. I could kick him out by taking his name off my rental lease with section 8,bt then I too will be made to move due to I can no longer live in a 3 bedroom house myself.

Can someone please help me out? I am desprite.

 
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