Topic : Single Parenting

I need some advise here, I have been a relationship with someone for the past 3 years. We live toghether and have since we met. I have 2 beautiful, strong children. Their father and I divorced about 5 years ago, he took off, started a new family and we rarely hear from him. My current boyfriend has taken over the role of dad. But he is like having another child. Very self centered. Before he came along I was doing fine. I was adjusting to being a single parent, and trying to keep our heads above water. But I had been promoted with in my company, so I was able to provide for my family without the help of my ex-husband. He (the boyfriend, we will call him "Joe") came along when I thought I was ready to start another relationship. He was a salesman, made good money, attractive, and was nice. Joe is a little younger than me, never been married and doesnt have any children of his own. On our second or third date I asked him to come over for dinner and a movie, I explained to him that prior to 9pm my children were awake. I had made it a rule in my house that men were not allowed to be seen, I called them my "pm boyfriends". and if I offered for them to come over when the kids were awake, it was something special. Well, I thought that Joe would decline, come over after bedtime, he didnt. He said that he would be there about 7 and would bring dinner. I was so happy at the time. I never thought that someone like him would want to be apart of my family. Well, he showed up on time with dinner, and never left.

We have been thru our ups and downs over the past couple of years, and even though we have tried to make it work, it never does. Before him, I had never-ever fought with someone in front of my children. It was a standing rule in our home. Alot of things have changed. Things that prior to Joe, my children and I enjoyed, he no longer allowed a family bed, and my children would get into trouble with him if they tried to come cuddle with me. He began locking my bedroom door if he was in there, to keep the kids out. I tried to tell him that it made me very uncomfortable, I saw the door as a barrier from them. He didnt seem to care, it was what he wanted to do. He even posted rules on the locked door for the children to abide by. And set times when they were allowed to knock, or ask a question.

This is how he was brought up. I on the other hand was not. We had an open door policy when I was growing up. I am also a child of a single mom, she is and always be my "soft place to land". His family was large, he is one of five, and his parents have been married for almost 30 years. They fought in front of their kids.

Well, to make a long, long story short. We split last year for a while, due to his emotional abusiveness. I had to move away from where we live and go back to my home town, he obsessed about being with me. He finally gave up, and got healthy. His whole personality changed back to the person I met. Things went well for a while, and when the winter hit, it went back to the way it was when it was really bad. We had agreed not to live together when I came back, but right when I got my house, he made up some excuse to his room mates and moved out. And in with me! We fight all the time, and he fights with me infront of the kids, he doesnt care when I tell him that I'm done fighting infront of them, and if he wants to continue the conversation we need to go away from them. This has taken a tole on them, I have noticed that since Joe has been here, that my children fight with eachother, and they sound just like us. Joe cuts me down, calls me names and attacks my person when we fight. My kids are starting to do the same thing. My son who is 5, has started showing his anger by tightening up, he wont drop an issue, even if its not worth fighting about. Joe does this. My daughter, who is 8, makes excuses for her actions instead of owning them. She yells at her brother, and most of the time provokes the fights. They both make mountains out of mole hills. Joe does all of this.

Now let me say that the only reason he is still around is because when my ex husband left, my daughter had huge seperation issues. It was hard on all of us to deal with that. But after months of play theropy we got the issues undercontrol. Now, my son is attached to Joe, and I worry that we will have the same issues with him.

I dont want to be with this man anymore, I dont want my children to deal with this. But I know that if I call it quites he will make it very hard on us. He has said that he cant be in their lives if he's not with me. I have had issues with that in the past. But, I dont anymore. I dont love him, I never have. But I dont want to hurt my children by kicking him out. What do I do??? Is it worth it for them to have a "father" around even if he is toxic to all of us? When they look back on my decision will they say, "I hate her for leaving him" or " I hate her for staying, and subjecting us to him"??????

SOMEONE WITH SOME INSIGHT, PLEASE HELP!!

Hi::::

I'm a grandma who has a daughter that is a single parent raising 3 children on her own and her oldest one who is now 6 is having alot of serious behaviour issues, and I'm hoping someone out there can help with some advice... He will do whatevr it takes to break things, ruin things or rip or paint on or scribble with colors or whatever he can find to color with. He will also take an object and try to destroy the walls with making holes and things..... She has been separated now for over 3 years and it just seems like the more you try and talk to him about his behaviour the worse he gets. He is definately demanding her attention, but in a bad way. I'm not saying my grandson is bad, because he isn't...he is just making bad choices. Also, he will do whatever he can to get the other 2 children in trouble and they take the blame for things he's doing instead. Please if there is anyone out there that can help with some advice or something I sure would appreciate it alot... Thank you in advance...

Nana in Canada

 Hi,

I raised my twins as a single mother.  A boy and a girl.  They are 22 now, and different as night and day.  My daughter has a good full time job, owns her car, and is buying and condo, oh and she is finishing up her AA degree at the local community college.  As proud I am of her is how sad I am about her twin brother.  He quit school within spitting distance of senior graduation despite my efforts, and he talks a lot about getting a GED but so far it is just talk.  He has lived hand to mouth by his own choice, and he is headed down a long hard road that I tried my best to have him avoid.  At present I cannot communicate with him because he is always angry and resentful of everyone and everything.  I blame his inability to function in this world on myself.  I did not have a man in my life that he could look up to and model himself after.  Instead he began to emmulate his "criminal" father.  Now he acts and talks like his father and I am terrified for him.  He deserves better than that and I cannot reach him.  Single moms need to have a good male role model in their sons' lives.  Being a good mom is not good enough for men in the making.  I truly believe that this is why we have so many young men going in and out of prison and making babies that they have no intention of supporting.  I hope other moms with little boys realize how vital it is to get your son with a good man, grandpa or big brothers, or maybe an uncle or pastor.  They are men in the making and they don't bake right when momma is the only one raising them.