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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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November 15, 2005, 9:57 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: jenmichele

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND.  I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR ADVICE.  YOU CONFIRMED MY THOUGHTS, AS WELL AS, THE THOUGHTS OF MY FAMILY.  IT IS JUST A DIFFICULT CALL TO MAKE AND I WANTED AN UNBIASED OPINION.  THANKS AGAIN! 

  

PS. DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS FOR  A LIVING?  YOU SEEM TO HAVE TRAINING IN THIS AREA.  JUST WONDERING 

Not yet, some day though, yes(After another 6 to 8 years of school!). I'm currently an undergraduate psychology student at a small college in Minnesota.  

 
November 15, 2005, 10:10 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: singlemom4

Hi there, I am looking for some advice on how to deal with the situation of my sons father. 

We seperated when my son was 1 and a half and I moved back home, approx 3 hours away from his father.  Visitations were left wide open but sadly have not been taken advatange of.  My son sees his father on a very rare occasion.  His father seems to step in and out of his life whenever he sees fit.  I have tried to explain numerous times how damaging this is for our son, he cannot count on his father what so ever.  My son is active in sports and lucky if his father sees him play once a year.  He has let him down numerous times by telling him he will be at certain events and then just no show up, no phone calls no explanations then you don't hear from him for months.  This is effecting our sons life, he feels he is not good enough for his father to be around, his self esteem is low and is now starting to have trouble with school.  He has seen his father once in the past five months, and phone calls are very sparatic, he has not spoke with him in almost two months.  My son is longing for some stability from his father, some sort of schedule that he can depend on, and not matter how much I explain this to his father he just doesn't seem to get it, or if he does he doesn't seem to care.  What can I do for my son?  This in of your life out of your life for months at a time is tearing him apart, I have also told my son he needs to express these feelings to his father and he refuses to.  I don't know what to do for him, I want him to have a relationship with his father and yet the way it is and has been for years is tearing my son into a million pieces.........Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do for my son?  Thanks for your help. 

First things first, you need to be let your son know that it is not his fault and that he has done nothing wrong to to cause his father to act the way he does. Second, I don't think all the talking in the world cannot change change his behavior. It would take some monumental, life changing even (Although, shouldn't having a kid be monumental enough to make one grow up?) or professional help (which I highly doubt you will get him to commit to). So, good effort, but I fear it might be futile. Getting your son involved in sports is definitely a good thing. Things such as music and church are usually a good alternative as well (for others reading this). But most importantly what you can do for your son is get as many supportive, caring, RELIABLE, adults in his life on a regular basis (e.g. a coach).  

 
November 16, 2005, 9:22 am CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: tkebobby

First things first, you need to be let your son know that it is not his fault and that he has done nothing wrong to to cause his father to act the way he does. Second, I don't think all the talking in the world cannot change change his behavior. It would take some monumental, life changing even (Although, shouldn't having a kid be monumental enough to make one grow up?) or professional help (which I highly doubt you will get him to commit to). So, good effort, but I fear it might be futile. Getting your son involved in sports is definitely a good thing. Things such as music and church are usually a good alternative as well (for others reading this). But most importantly what you can do for your son is get as many supportive, caring, RELIABLE, adults in his life on a regular basis (e.g. a coach).  

Thank you for responding.  I hear what you say, and I do try to surround him with as many responsible adults for him to look up to, but there is still this need to almost have his fathers approval, I am not sure how else I can explain this.  I know that I cannot change his father and I have made it clear that my son can't either, it just seems there is the constant upset and let down from his father, and every time it happens my son feels worthless.  Thanks for your response I would appreciate many.
 
November 17, 2005, 9:55 am CST

Single Parenting

I need some advice about what to do with my son.  He is 12 years old and has no conscience ( or so his counselor said).  He is a very smart boy but is failing the sixth grade because he does not respect any authority figures, including myself.  His anger started when he was three as he watched his father abuse me and then started to mimick him.  I am now divorced from his father because of the abuse.  He has never tried to hit me, but he does not listen when I try to disipline him.  He will run away to "get away" from the punishment, which is no more than doing chores or things being taken away from him. I will not punish him physically, that only makes him more upset, and me for that matter.  He refuses to go to detention if he gets in trouble at school, he rarely will do his homework, even with my persistence that he brings it home daily.  I've talked to the teachers, my superiors at work, counselors, and am coming to no good answers.  Help, what should I do?  I am at a wits end with this whole situation.
 
November 18, 2005, 5:02 pm CST

Single Parenting

  I am a 34 yr. old single parent. I have two boys, 8 and 11 yrs. old. My youngest son is very obsessive with me. He can't stand it when I am out of his sight, if I have plans, he questions me and will accuse me of going out and having sex with men. I have been divorced and seperated from their dad for two years now. He doesnt play a big part in their lives.  My boys are suppose to visit their dad every other weekend. Which for the most part usually happens.  Even if he spends the time sleeping or just laying around. The hard thing is, its ok for their dad to date other people and for them to be around their dads girlfriends kids.  Which he doesnt stay with the same girl for very long. But they have a heart attack if I even talk to a man. I live in the south, and my family all lives in the north. I have no help here as far as other people keeping my boys so I can have free time. I am very frustrated! And at times don't even like my kids. I think that this is truly sad to say, especially coming from their own mother.  :(   I have taken my youngest son to a counselor and he was put on anti-depressants for anxiety issues. I feel so bad as his only stable parent. I just dont know when it is actually ok to have my boys around other men. Please give me some advice on this. No one is perfect, I understand. and  no one is going to have all of the answers. But maybe someone out there has gone through this sort of situation.  thanks. 

 
November 18, 2005, 9:53 pm CST

In the same situation

Quote From: singlemom4

Thank you for responding.  I hear what you say, and I do try to surround him with as many responsible adults for him to look up to, but there is still this need to almost have his fathers approval, I am not sure how else I can explain this.  I know that I cannot change his father and I have made it clear that my son can't either, it just seems there is the constant upset and let down from his father, and every time it happens my son feels worthless.  Thanks for your response I would appreciate many.
My son and I are in a very similar situation. But he is still young enough that when Daddy is out of sight mainly he is out of mind. I am wondering if seeing his father once every blue moon will produce the same results of low self esteem and basically trouble. I am beginning to think it might be best to limit all contact from his father. One week he just doesn't have the gas money to drive 15 miles or he has a big game... it goes on one excuse after another. He puts his own selfish inmature needs ahead of his son. When my son is older who will he hate more, me for limiting contact with his father or his father for always letting him down. I don't want to be the evil ex-girlfriend who says no to visits but at the same time I want to protect my son from future heartbreak. Although I don't have any advice here on this matter, I do want you to know that you are not alone. There is a plague of dead-beat-dads out there. It is not our fault and we do the best we can for our children...which can be the best for us too.
 
November 20, 2005, 11:37 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: jasajboo

I need some advice about what to do with my son.  He is 12 years old and has no conscience ( or so his counselor said).  He is a very smart boy but is failing the sixth grade because he does not respect any authority figures, including myself.  His anger started when he was three as he watched his father abuse me and then started to mimick him.  I am now divorced from his father because of the abuse.  He has never tried to hit me, but he does not listen when I try to disipline him.  He will run away to "get away" from the punishment, which is no more than doing chores or things being taken away from him. I will not punish him physically, that only makes him more upset, and me for that matter.  He refuses to go to detention if he gets in trouble at school, he rarely will do his homework, even with my persistence that he brings it home daily.  I've talked to the teachers, my superiors at work, counselors, and am coming to no good answers.  Help, what should I do?  I am at a wits end with this whole situation.

Let me start by saying, good for you, for getting away from an abusive relationship. It is something that many people in abusive relationships can't seem to bring themselves to do. 

  

Now, to your son. You say you've won't physically punished him, good. 1) Sometimes that can promote violence, particularly to those to have already been exposed to it like your son has. 2) He's a bit old now anyway. In order for physical punishments for to be effective, they really need to hurt. A firm smack on a 2 year old butt, hurts. But in order to really hurt a 12 year old, you would have to hit him much harder than would be acceptable. Sure other things might hurt 12 year old, but I would never recommend anything more than a smack on the bottom to be used as punishment (as there are many better alternatives). Your son needs to be taught discipline. And there is a GREAT way to use his agression to accomplish something else. Matial Arts. An agressive child, given the opportunity to "learn how to beat people up," isn't likely to turn that down. Sounds stupid to teach and agressive child how to fight, right? But the other major aspet of many forms of matial arts is discipline. Discipline that will teach him when it is ok to use his fists and when it is not, discipline that will teach him to respect athority, discipline that will teach him what to do with anger, and discipline to accept failure (as long as you keep trying). Furthermore, it will give your son something that he can be proud of. I would seriously look into this, call around and explain your situation and ask if can teach your son discipline. I was once and agressive child myself, but my life was changed by just that.  

 
November 20, 2005, 11:56 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: ntjstmom

My son and I are in a very similar situation. But he is still young enough that when Daddy is out of sight mainly he is out of mind. I am wondering if seeing his father once every blue moon will produce the same results of low self esteem and basically trouble. I am beginning to think it might be best to limit all contact from his father. One week he just doesn't have the gas money to drive 15 miles or he has a big game... it goes on one excuse after another. He puts his own selfish inmature needs ahead of his son. When my son is older who will he hate more, me for limiting contact with his father or his father for always letting him down. I don't want to be the evil ex-girlfriend who says no to visits but at the same time I want to protect my son from future heartbreak. Although I don't have any advice here on this matter, I do want you to know that you are not alone. There is a plague of dead-beat-dads out there. It is not our fault and we do the best we can for our children...which can be the best for us too.

Woh Woh Woh, "... not our fault...?" Is it your fault that the dead-beat-dads has a poor family life? No. Are you doing what you can? Maybe. But there are VERY few (and by very few, I mean hardly any) situations where one party is totally responsible for leaving a child in a single parent situation. Two people have to decide to have sex (premarital or otherwise), two people decide whether or not to use contraception (and yes, I understand that is not always effect), two people decide to, or not to, give a child up for adoption (and yes, there are some situation where this is also not always true, but again more often than not). I'm not saying you aren't doing what you can't. But for anyone to claim that being a single parent isn't at least a little bit their own doing, is totally irrational. 

 
November 22, 2005, 4:40 am CST

I need some advice...

 Hi Everyone! 

  

 I'm a single mom from Finland and I live alone with my 3 years old son.My own mother is helping me, taking care of my son when I get too tired,and I really respect her for that, because I can only take my son to the day care for 3 days in a week, because I'm working only part time. 

  

 My problem is that my mother don't want to put any rules to my son when he's wisiting her! I  have rules in my home and my son is still acting like a happy,active child, even thou I need to put him sitting in the corner sometimes for bad behavor. My mother can't understand me and my rules, because she says that I'm teasing my child on purpose! Now my son has started to slap my mother if he don't get what he wants and now my mother thinks that it's my fault, I have raised him wrong!! 

  

 I don't have anyone else who could help me if I get too tired.. Be kind and give me some advice, how I can make this thing easier to all of uss... 

  

 A big hug to you all from Finland! 

  

 Chanet72  

 
November 22, 2005, 8:38 am CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: chanet72

 Hi Everyone! 

  

 I'm a single mom from Finland and I live alone with my 3 years old son.My own mother is helping me, taking care of my son when I get too tired,and I really respect her for that, because I can only take my son to the day care for 3 days in a week, because I'm working only part time. 

  

 My problem is that my mother don't want to put any rules to my son when he's wisiting her! I  have rules in my home and my son is still acting like a happy,active child, even thou I need to put him sitting in the corner sometimes for bad behavor. My mother can't understand me and my rules, because she says that I'm teasing my child on purpose! Now my son has started to slap my mother if he don't get what he wants and now my mother thinks that it's my fault, I have raised him wrong!! 

  

 I don't have anyone else who could help me if I get too tired.. Be kind and give me some advice, how I can make this thing easier to all of uss... 

  

 A big hug to you all from Finland! 

  

 Chanet72  

Well, the question I would rather address is why are you so tired all the time? Don't get my wrong, having a kid takes up a lot of energy, but that comes with the job of a parent. There are many reasons for chronic fatigue, if it seems to bad that you are not able to take care of your child, then you ought to have that looked at. I would consult both a physician, and a psychologist if this problem is that bad.  

  

Second, you mother. Yes, she is doing you a favor by watching your child. But by being inconsistent (between your rules, and her rules or lack there of) she does your child a great disservice! Plain and simple both of you need to agree (just as any two parents need to) on a plan of action which BOTH of you will stick to. 

 
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