Topic : Single Parenting

I'm 24 and a single mother to a beautiful 3 yr old daughter.  I'm hoping to get some advise from a neutral source.  I thought that this may be a good place.   

I'm wondering what to do about the time my daughter gets to spend with her father and his new fiance.  My concern is that he is exposing our daughter to a lesser quality of life than I find acceptable.  He has always had trouble keeping a job, and periodically pays support.  Currently he is engaged to a 21 year old mother of three, who by the way, is still married.  Seperated but married.  This woman has a daughter who is 6, this girl lives with her grandmother.  She also has two sons who live with their father.  My daughter's father and his fiance live with his fiances father.  Keep in mind that they are both fully capable of working.  She is on welfare and claims all her children even though she has none of them. 

In Indiana there is a state guideline for child support and visitation.  He is allowed rite of first refusal.  Which means that while I'm at work, he gets the first opportunity to provide daycare.  If he isn't available, THEN I can take her to the sitter.  However, he is only doing this in an attempt to lower his childsupport.  He gets credit for taking care of her while I'm at work.  Our daughter is enrolled in a private school, which I pay 100% of the tuition.  He has her on the days she is suppost to go school and he has not been taking her.  We've argued over this in court, he felt that a private school was excessive and unnecessary.  The judge said that he didn't have to help pay for any tuition.   

Also, last week I found out that she got scabies from being over at their house.  I had to tell all my family and friends about this because it is contagious.  Talk about angry and embarassed!   

Yesterday, my sister was at the grocery and overheard my daughters father talking about his new baby due in four months!  He doesn't take care of our daughter, only spends time with her to get a break on support and is an overall bad influence.   

I feel sick to my stomach.  I feel like I'm faced with a decision that I don't want to make.  Do I attempt to limit the time she spends with her father.  Including taking him back to court to stop the Tuesday and Thursday daycare.  This would limit his time with her to every other weekend.  My father was never there and I really feel that the father,daugher relationship is very important.  At the same time I don't want her to think is life style.           

Looks like I cut off the last part of my post.   

Basically, I want the best for my daughter.  I do feel her education is important, I think that preschool at three is a must.  I feel that his focus is on arguing with me about everything, and not on what is best for our daughter.  I feel it is my duty to make sure my daughter grows up happy, healthy, independent  and successful.  I also feel it is my responsibility to make sure that she graduates college.  What to do?????? 

The good news is that morally, you're right. The bad news is, legally, the United State protects JACKASSES like your him. So, what can you do for your child, regardless of his actions? Social support should be high on your list, be it one of your parents or a girl friend of yours who sees your daughter on a regular basis, school activities (e.g. band, sports [and thus coaches], ect) , chruch/worship... point being that all children need soicial support. PARTCULARLY those of single parents. A child ough to have at least 3 supportive, consistant, adults in their life. 

The scabies thing, that might be legal grounds, I would read this: 

http://library.adoption.com/child-abuse-and-neglect/definitions-of-child-abuse-and-neglect-indiana/article/8493/1.html 

It's a link to the Indiana State Staute on Child Abuse and Neglect. 

If that seems to fit the case, then perhaps you should consult a lawer.  

In most cases, a child ought to have both parents in their life. But when one parent is CLEARLY a failure at life (and needs professional help... e.g. skills training like resume writting, interviewing, etc., and probably a number of other personality issues) then the next best thing is to replace that parent with other STABLE adults. In your case, you probably ought to do everything you can (legally) to take her away from him.  

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND.  I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR ADVICE.  YOU CONFIRMED MY THOUGHTS, AS WELL AS, THE THOUGHTS OF MY FAMILY.  IT IS JUST A DIFFICULT CALL TO MAKE AND I WANTED AN UNBIASED OPINION.  THANKS AGAIN! 

PS. DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS FOR  A LIVING?  YOU SEEM TO HAVE TRAINING IN THIS AREA.  JUST WONDERING 

Hi there, I am looking for some advice on how to deal with the situation of my sons father. 

We seperated when my son was 1 and a half and I moved back home, approx 3 hours away from his father.  Visitations were left wide open but sadly have not been taken advatange of.  My son sees his father on a very rare occasion.  His father seems to step in and out of his life whenever he sees fit.  I have tried to explain numerous times how damaging this is for our son, he cannot count on his father what so ever.  My son is active in sports and lucky if his father sees him play once a year.  He has let him down numerous times by telling him he will be at certain events and then just no show up, no phone calls no explanations then you don't hear from him for months.  This is effecting our sons life, he feels he is not good enough for his father to be around, his self esteem is low and is now starting to have trouble with school.  He has seen his father once in the past five months, and phone calls are very sparatic, he has not spoke with him in almost two months.  My son is longing for some stability from his father, some sort of schedule that he can depend on, and not matter how much I explain this to his father he just doesn't seem to get it, or if he does he doesn't seem to care.  What can I do for my son?  This in of your life out of your life for months at a time is tearing him apart, I have also told my son he needs to express these feelings to his father and he refuses to.  I don't know what to do for him, I want him to have a relationship with his father and yet the way it is and has been for years is tearing my son into a million pieces.........Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do for my son?  Thanks for your help. 

Not yet, some day though, yes(After another 6 to 8 years of school!). I'm currently an undergraduate psychology student at a small college in Minnesota.  

First things first, you need to be let your son know that it is not his fault and that he has done nothing wrong to to cause his father to act the way he does. Second, I don't think all the talking in the world cannot change change his behavior. It would take some monumental, life changing even (Although, shouldn't having a kid be monumental enough to make one grow up?) or professional help (which I highly doubt you will get him to commit to). So, good effort, but I fear it might be futile. Getting your son involved in sports is definitely a good thing. Things such as music and church are usually a good alternative as well (for others reading this). But most importantly what you can do for your son is get as many supportive, caring, RELIABLE, adults in his life on a regular basis (e.g. a coach).  

  I am a 34 yr. old single parent. I have two boys, 8 and 11 yrs. old. My youngest son is very obsessive with me. He can't stand it when I am out of his sight, if I have plans, he questions me and will accuse me of going out and having sex with men. I have been divorced and seperated from their dad for two years now. He doesnt play a big part in their lives.  My boys are suppose to visit their dad every other weekend. Which for the most part usually happens.  Even if he spends the time sleeping or just laying around. The hard thing is, its ok for their dad to date other people and for them to be around their dads girlfriends kids.  Which he doesnt stay with the same girl for very long. But they have a heart attack if I even talk to a man. I live in the south, and my family all lives in the north. I have no help here as far as other people keeping my boys so I can have free time. I am very frustrated! And at times don't even like my kids. I think that this is truly sad to say, especially coming from their own mother.  :(   I have taken my youngest son to a counselor and he was put on anti-depressants for anxiety issues. I feel so bad as his only stable parent. I just dont know when it is actually ok to have my boys around other men. Please give me some advice on this. No one is perfect, I understand. and  no one is going to have all of the answers. But maybe someone out there has gone through this sort of situation.  thanks.