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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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December 9, 2005, 11:07 pm CST

I got them, now what do i do for them to help them?

I was recently blessed with the return of my two older children, they have been living with their father since our divorce 7 years ago. Although they are good children, they have been emotionally scared by their father and step mothers drug use and eventual arrest in Oct. I have been trying to get them out for 2 years. The police and CPS put them in my custody. They are in counciling, however, i have a hard time getting them to listen, to even pick up garbage off the floor, i can tell them but the only time they actually listen is when i pick it up myself and stuff it in their beds for them to clean up before they go to bed. They had been left to their own devices and My oldest became the parent of her 7 year old brother. they only time they had normal was when i had my visitation on the weekends. they were well behaved on those weekends, i hardly ever had any problems, but now, its everyday and there is something new, the only thing  i cannot complain about is their school work, they are doing GREAT in school, im at my wits end with the atitudes and the disrespect though, what can i do to ease them out of this heart ache they must be having?
 
December 12, 2005, 10:17 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: lhauser63

I have three kids 13, 13 and 6.  They are constantly fighting, arguing, yelling, bickering... with each other.  I'm at my wits end!  I work full time and go to school full time which is stressful on everyone but how can I get the fighting to stop.  I have tried everything: taking away privledges, sending the little on to timeout, grounding.  NOTHING WORKS.  It's constant and over everything. 

  

Any suggestions? 

  

  

Well, there is some missing information. Lets start with the things you have already tried. In what ways have you done the things you said you have done? 

  

What did you take away?
For how long?
Did you stick to it?
Did you explain why you took what you took away?  

  

How long are time outs?
Where do you send the little one for time out?
How long after he/she does something wrong does the time out occur?  

  

There might be something about the way you are applying these punishments that makes them ineffective.  

  

Second of all, the things you mention are all punishments. Have you tried rewarding good behavior? Perhaps a "token economy" will work. Basically, you get together some meaningless object like a sticker, or poker chips and tell the child that when you have ____ of these you can get a reward. you then sit down with each child and tell them clearly:
      "____________ behaviors will get you one (hypothetically, lets say poker chips) poker chip. Once you get (hypothetically) 10 chips, you can have _________ (Something you and the child decide is acceptable)." *Note: You can't take them away once they have earned them (unless, obviously they trade them in for the prize).* 

  

Finally, as far as physical fighting, if there is any. There is a significant amount of data supporting the role of media violence in aggressive behaviors, aggressive ideas, and desensitization. If physical violence id a problem, perhaps examine what your children are watching on TV. (Furthermore, it's probably a good idea to limit how much TV they are watching anyway, violent or otherwise.) 

  

 
December 12, 2005, 10:23 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: mommof3

I was recently blessed with the return of my two older children, they have been living with their father since our divorce 7 years ago. Although they are good children, they have been emotionally scared by their father and step mothers drug use and eventual arrest in Oct. I have been trying to get them out for 2 years. The police and CPS put them in my custody. They are in counciling, however, i have a hard time getting them to listen, to even pick up garbage off the floor, i can tell them but the only time they actually listen is when i pick it up myself and stuff it in their beds for them to clean up before they go to bed. They had been left to their own devices and My oldest became the parent of her 7 year old brother. they only time they had normal was when i had my visitation on the weekends. they were well behaved on those weekends, i hardly ever had any problems, but now, its everyday and there is something new, the only thing  i cannot complain about is their school work, they are doing GREAT in school, im at my wits end with the atitudes and the disrespect though, what can i do to ease them out of this heart ache they must be having?
7 years is a lot of behavior to correct! It's going to take some times. But they need to understand that the way they were living is not the way they are going to live anymore. I love your idea of putting their trash in their beds. As long as you don't cave in and pick it up for them, and you explain to them that you put their trash there because they didn't pick it up, I think it is a good strategy. Also, as part of your explanation to them, I would give them a time limit... e.g. "Please pick up your trash by ______ or it will end up in your bed." But, be patient 7 years is a lot of time to have reinforced bad behavior.
 
December 15, 2005, 6:47 am CST

Quite the dilema I have here...............

Hello all, I have a little problem that I am looking for some advice for. Don't get me wrong, I have talked with a number of people about this issue, but not many single parents. Mainly single people and married people and people that are temporarily separated from thier family because of the job. Ok, WARNING, this may get long, here it goes.....I am 31. I have two beatiful children, age 8(daughter) and 2(son). I have been divorced for a year and seperated for over 2 years. Thier mother uses bad judgement and does not do much with the children. She is to pay for half of everything, but doesn't (i.e. swimming, horse lessons, etc.) Not that big of a deal. I was awarded two of her credit cards to the tune of 22,000 dollars. Lovely!!!. My daughter and ex do not get along very well, they have some nice blow outs where my ex has told her that she keeps it up, she will be not live there (her house) anymore. Reminder my daughter is 8! So, there is some history, now the problem.....I am in the Navy, been in the Navy for 11 1/2 years. That is 8 1/2 years until retirement. I have done very well in the military, been in war, have great evaluations (always on top), was just recommended for an officer program. I am an immediate supervisor of over 100 personnel. I have been a patrolman, medic, submariner, and many other things. Too many to list really. I like the Navy, the job security, the adventure, to respect, the responsiblity, the trust, the comraderee, the chance to travel and see so much. Well, anyway, my time is up and I am due to transfer in April to Lemoore, CA for duty with a F/A 18 fighter squadron...............by myself for three years. I was excited and have been trying to convince myself that this is a good move for me. The money is good, the job is great, I will be in an independent position, good for the career.
I am sure you have figured out what my problem is..........I am so close to retirement that I don't want to lose that, but I don't want to lose the Christmas programs, the first days of school, the girl scout meetings, the education of driving for the first time, the hugs and kisses................do you see where I am going here? I have been struggling with this for a LONG time. If I get out of the Navy, I am going to need a job that pays at least 40,000 dollars a year. I am going to start at the bottom with no back up plan. I have a bachelors degree in Criminal Justice Administration. Plus, I have been and am loyal to the Navy.

I have NO idea what to do here. I am so confused, scared, ashamed, lonely, nervous........etc. A little reassurance would be helpful. If you can help, please do. If someone has experience, that would be a PLUS. I love my kids, but I also love the Navy......

If you have questions, please ask!!!! Thanks for reading......

Jake
 

 
December 15, 2005, 10:27 am CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: jcjkruse

Hello all, I have a little problem that I am looking for some advice for. Don't get me wrong, I have talked with a number of people about this issue, but not many single parents. Mainly single people and married people and people that are temporarily separated from thier family because of the job. Ok, WARNING, this may get long, here it goes.....I am 31. I have two beatiful children, age 8(daughter) and 2(son). I have been divorced for a year and seperated for over 2 years. Thier mother uses bad judgement and does not do much with the children. She is to pay for half of everything, but doesn't (i.e. swimming, horse lessons, etc.) Not that big of a deal. I was awarded two of her credit cards to the tune of 22,000 dollars. Lovely!!!. My daughter and ex do not get along very well, they have some nice blow outs where my ex has told her that she keeps it up, she will be not live there (her house) anymore. Reminder my daughter is 8! So, there is some history, now the problem.....I am in the Navy, been in the Navy for 11 1/2 years. That is 8 1/2 years until retirement. I have done very well in the military, been in war, have great evaluations (always on top), was just recommended for an officer program. I am an immediate supervisor of over 100 personnel. I have been a patrolman, medic, submariner, and many other things. Too many to list really. I like the Navy, the job security, the adventure, to respect, the responsiblity, the trust, the comraderee, the chance to travel and see so much. Well, anyway, my time is up and I am due to transfer in April to Lemoore, CA for duty with a F/A 18 fighter squadron...............by myself for three years. I was excited and have been trying to convince myself that this is a good move for me. The money is good, the job is great, I will be in an independent position, good for the career.
I am sure you have figured out what my problem is..........I am so close to retirement that I don't want to lose that, but I don't want to lose the Christmas programs, the first days of school, the girl scout meetings, the education of driving for the first time, the hugs and kisses................do you see where I am going here? I have been struggling with this for a LONG time. If I get out of the Navy, I am going to need a job that pays at least 40,000 dollars a year. I am going to start at the bottom with no back up plan. I have a bachelors degree in Criminal Justice Administration. Plus, I have been and am loyal to the Navy.

I have NO idea what to do here. I am so confused, scared, ashamed, lonely, nervous........etc. A little reassurance would be helpful. If you can help, please do. If someone has experience, that would be a PLUS. I love my kids, but I also love the Navy......

If you have questions, please ask!!!! Thanks for reading......

Jake
 

It's an unfortunate situation... particularly with the ex wife... eesh! 

  

But here's the real deal. You're options are basically this:
(YOU) The military, the job you enjoy, the people you enjoy being with, the money you enjoy making.  

(YOUR KIDS) Two people whom when you decided to have them, you, consciously or not, agreed to DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO, NO MATTER WHAT.  

  

The key thing here is that you LIKE your work, and most of the things associated with it. Those children NEED you. They are the most important things in your life, ahead of you (well, they need you to stay alive, but aside from that...), ahead of your wife (hypothetically if you were still happily married). My fiancee and I agree that when it comes time to have kids... as much as we love each other and would do just about anything for each other, the kids come first, no questions asked. Taking care of the kids and being there for them is no optional, and as much as you may like the Navy, that is optional.  

  

As far as what should you do when you leave the Navy? For a guy with a B.A.(S) and all the experience you've listed above, you shouldn't have any problem finding a that pays 40,000. If nothing else you could always go back to school for your M.A. (Hell, the Navy might even pay for that... I'm not sure how the whole Veteran's Affairs thing works.) 

 
December 15, 2005, 1:48 pm CST

How Do I discipline?

I have a 13 yr old boy.  Background info.  He has always made great grades. Never below a B until this year.  He has always been in advanced classes.  Last six weeks he brought home a 79 (C) in Science Pre A/P.  I grounded him from television.  I started making him bring home his science book even when he didn't have homework so that we could work on it.  We get the next report card and now he has a 78 in Science and a 70 (D) in History.  I've talked to him and he said that things are just getting harder and history is just boring. We are still working after school on science and now on Social studies.  By grounding him from Television, I have already taken what he values most away from him. Really the only reason television bothers him is because he misses Football. ( I do let him watch the History Channel while he is grounded. ) He is over all a great person. He is plays football for the middle school (quater back and middle line backer) I do worry because he never wants to go out with friends or go stay with relatives.  What are some options.  Where am I going wrong?
 
December 15, 2005, 2:16 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: helpmom1

I have a 13 yr old boy.  Background info.  He has always made great grades. Never below a B until this year.  He has always been in advanced classes.  Last six weeks he brought home a 79 (C) in Science Pre A/P.  I grounded him from television.  I started making him bring home his science book even when he didn't have homework so that we could work on it.  We get the next report card and now he has a 78 in Science and a 70 (D) in History.  I've talked to him and he said that things are just getting harder and history is just boring. We are still working after school on science and now on Social studies.  By grounding him from Television, I have already taken what he values most away from him. Really the only reason television bothers him is because he misses Football. ( I do let him watch the History Channel while he is grounded. ) He is over all a great person. He is plays football for the middle school (quater back and middle line backer) I do worry because he never wants to go out with friends or go stay with relatives.  What are some options.  Where am I going wrong?
You're going wrong by expecting way too much out of him! Look at the classes he's taking, they aren't supposed to be easy. Sure, maybe he's smart, but that doesn't mean he's a genius. Why can't he just be a really smart kid in "normal" classes? He'd get good grades, and people will see him as smart... nothing wrong with that. Plain and simple, you're expecting too much out of him. Furthermore, rewarding good behavior is much more effective than punishing bad (psychological fact, there a numerous studies that show this). So tell him if he brings he's grades up he'll get ____?  (for me and my parents it was money). But punishing him (taking away TV) isn't going to be a effective for a low grade. A low grade is a combination of many things that happen through out a semester/quarter/trimester (whatever system you're on). He's not going to recognize the the consequences of all of those actions added, as the reason he's being punished. I'm not saying never punish children, but it needs to be immediately after the offence, poor grades are not the effect of an immediate decision.
 
December 15, 2005, 2:50 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: tkebobby

You're going wrong by expecting way too much out of him! Look at the classes he's taking, they aren't supposed to be easy. Sure, maybe he's smart, but that doesn't mean he's a genius. Why can't he just be a really smart kid in "normal" classes? He'd get good grades, and people will see him as smart... nothing wrong with that. Plain and simple, you're expecting too much out of him. Furthermore, rewarding good behavior is much more effective than punishing bad (psychological fact, there a numerous studies that show this). So tell him if he brings he's grades up he'll get ____?  (for me and my parents it was money). But punishing him (taking away TV) isn't going to be a effective for a low grade. A low grade is a combination of many things that happen through out a semester/quarter/trimester (whatever system you're on). He's not going to recognize the the consequences of all of those actions added, as the reason he's being punished. I'm not saying never punish children, but it needs to be immediately after the offence, poor grades are not the effect of an immediate decision.
I will certainly take that into consideration.  And maybe that is the case.  But he put himself in those classes when we registered for school.  I have never had to deal with poor grades before. He didn't mention getting out of the advanced classes because that is where he has always been, and I didn't consider it because I didn't want him to quit.  I do appreciate your time and your thoughts.
 
December 16, 2005, 3:04 am CST

I need help badly my kids have the upper hand on me

well helle there .I will get right into my problem .My 2 boys are 12 and 9 and they have the upper hand on me .And i have no control over them at all .My 9 years old is loud and he wont listen to me at all and he is really hyper but he is on adhd meds already and he still runs his mouth lol and is hyper at times at home .Well my oldest son james doesnt want any rules from his mom and wants to stay out as late as he wants and he wants to do what he wants when he wants and that is not possible there are rules in this world .I try to explain things to him and he either doesnt want to talk about it with me or he does nto care at this point .I am just at my wits end with my kids .They dont listen to me at all .And when i ground them it does nothing and when i yell at them it only makes me angry and they start yelling at me then too.I love my kids so much .I did not know that being a parent would be so hard on me and make me so sad being there parent .There are days where i dont want to be there parent and that is sad and like i said everything that i haev tried to discpline my kids does not work .I am running out of choices to have them mind me and respect me .Neither one of my kids respect me at all they tell me to shut up and they call me stupid and they yell at me too cause they here me yell at them most of the time .Well any advice owuld be greatly appreciated .And there dad is not around to help me at all he lives in Dallas and is not with them that much .Cause he cant afford to get them when he can come get them well thank you please help me in any way if u can God bless u from tamimom35.  
 
December 20, 2005, 9:55 pm CST

Ouch He bit me agian!

I have a 15 month old toddler that will NOT stop biting, He is teething a little but i believe it has become a habit with him. I have had tons of advise from friends and parents, One says Bite him back, another says Flick him on his mouth ,another says put him down and walk away, another says react, another says dont react. I am very confused as to what will work with him. I dont want to use phyisical means to end this problem however, i am at my wits end, he is about to start preschool in January and im worried that he will be rejected for biting his classmates. Please help me find something that will work.
 
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