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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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December 21, 2005, 8:06 am CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: mommof3

I have a 15 month old toddler that will NOT stop biting, He is teething a little but i believe it has become a habit with him. I have had tons of advise from friends and parents, One says Bite him back, another says Flick him on his mouth ,another says put him down and walk away, another says react, another says dont react. I am very confused as to what will work with him. I dont want to use phyisical means to end this problem however, i am at my wits end, he is about to start preschool in January and im worried that he will be rejected for biting his classmates. Please help me find something that will work.

I don't know who told you to bite your kid , but I seriously hope they don't have kids of their own.  I have a few questions:
(A) Does your son have any toys to bite, rather than you?
(B) If there a particular place your son bites you? 

(C) And has your son started speaking yet (or signing if you are teaching him to sign)? 

  

If there is a particular place or places he bites you, try putting something (nontoxic) with a very bad flavor on those places. e.i. if he bites your fingers most often, put something very sour on your fingers. Taste aversion (avoidance) is adaptive... we have to learn what we can and can't put in our mouths or we die really quick! Given that, we (as humans, and most animals) learn very fast that bad tasted shouldn't go in our mouth. After a few times (and by a few I mean MAYBE 3 or 4 times) he should stop. If he's not biting you in the same place then try to keep the gross flavor (say, a lemon) on hand and put some in this mouth as soon as he bites you. It needs to be right away though... that's every important. If a lemon doesn't seem to work (i.e. you don't get a dejected look from your son), try a different taste.  

  

Also, at that age, I would assume your son had just started to, or is about to start talking (on average, 18 month old children know up to 3-7 words). Whether he has or hasn't start pairing "NO" with the unwanted punishment (be it a yucky taste as I suggested, walking away... or god forbid bite him).  

  

A lot of people freak out when they hear someone suggest give alcohol to a child, but it works and there is really no risk IF DONE CORRECTLY (There is also a non-alcohol alternative if you really prefer not to). With a fussy baby who is teething it is often helpful to rub a SMALL AMOUNT of alcohol on their gums. But small amount I mean simply to dip one finger into a bottle of, for example rum. If you're really uncomfortable with doing this, you could always go to a pharmacy and pick up a topical cream which will do basically the same thing (make sure the cream is intended for oral use). 

  

Finally, I agree with you that you should use physical punishments (e.g. biting back, flicking, or spanking). The argument over spanking is a whole different issue, but basically using physical punishment for a physically agressive behavior (like biting) generally only promotes agressive behavior.  

  

Hope that helps.  

  

 
December 28, 2005, 7:02 am CST

it will get better

when my youngest starting visiting his dad..about 15 months. he would come home and just be awful. hit, bite, kick, etc. years later, i found out from his step mom, that his dad would tell him to be mean to her. without that knowledge, i figured it stemed from my own guilt to let him leave so young. i handled it by doing this. day one home...guilt...day two of abuse, get on to him lightly. day three, let him know, i would not take it ! basic instincts tells you there is something wrong, but no one is to be abused. i would not raise my voice, but would remain calm and stern..."you can not hurt mommy!" and it would end just that quick. remaining calm has always been the 100% in handling my children and honesty. you give to your children, how you want to be treated. they will give it back when you maintain the standerd.
 
January 7, 2006, 7:35 am CST

mother in jail

Does anyone have any advice for me.  My brother is a single father raising an 8 year old boy and a 5 year old girl.  Their mother has been in and out of jail for the past 5 years due to alcohol abuse.  They have not seen their mother in the past 2 years but she does write when she is sober.  The kids are always told she is away getting help.  I think the older son is smart enough to know there is something else going on.  Would it be better for him to know that his mother is in jail because she has a problem or should he continue to think that his mother is away getting help??
 
January 11, 2006, 4:13 am CST

My son never listens anymore...

I've got to sons. I'm thirty myself, and I have no support what so ever... 

My youngest son, doen't hear (or acts like it) me at all. 

When I get mad, because he did't made up his room (he's10 years old), and all his clothes are laying around, he did't do his homework, and did'nt eat between classes. 

He even isn't coming home, between class, but he stays on the streets, doing nothing. 

  

I don't understand... Because all those things aren't new. 

I've told him this over and over and over. 

Maybe I compare him to much with his brother? 

I'm just scared he'll turn out like his dad, an ex-cokedealer... 

  

I don't know what to do, I just finished therapy myself. 

Maybe he became like this because of me... 

I don't know anymore... 

Is there anybody who can relate to this? 

I live in Amsterdam-Holland by the way 

 
January 11, 2006, 10:46 pm CST

No Dad

  

My 5 yr has just started asking why "we" don't have a dad.  

I'm not sure how to handle this.  

Her father has never been in her life, and I really don't think it's appropriate at this age to tell her all of the details of why.   

I have tried explaining that not all families are the same, and that she was wanted soo much, but it breaks my heart when she asks this.  

I never want to speak badly of her father and why he never wanted to be a part of her life and I will tell her the whole story at a more appropriate age, but in the meantime, I would appreciate some input on this.  

Thank you for your time. 

 
January 13, 2006, 7:12 am CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: irish12701

  

My 5 yr has just started asking why "we" don't have a dad.  

I'm not sure how to handle this.  

Her father has never been in her life, and I really don't think it's appropriate at this age to tell her all of the details of why.   

I have tried explaining that not all families are the same, and that she was wanted soo much, but it breaks my heart when she asks this.  

I never want to speak badly of her father and why he never wanted to be a part of her life and I will tell her the whole story at a more appropriate age, but in the meantime, I would appreciate some input on this.  

Thank you for your time. 

Hi I know just what you are feeling and thinking.  

 I have a 5yr old daughter who has only seen her father maybe 6 times in her life and hasn't seen him since she was 2.  He was an abusive man who likes drugs more than us.  We really were never a couple and stopped dating after she was 5 months old.  

 She doesn't really remember him but now that she has started school she asks more when are we going to have a dad, when she is playing I hear her say my dad does this or that.  It really breaks my heart that she has to make him up.  When I hear her say these things or she asks me about him I remind her of all the good men in our lives, grandpa, papa, uncles.  I regret that she doesn't have a father in her life, but I don't regret that he isn't in her life.  I just tell her that some daddies aren't very nice people and that she has so many wonderful people in her life.  I explain that all families are different and that we all special because of that.  I really try to help her understand that it was him not her,   I just hope that she understands what I explain to her and doesn't  feel like it is her fault.  

 I am always telling her how loved she is by me and her family.  When we talk about our family we mean everyone not just a mom, dad and kids.  When you ask her who is her family she replies mom, grandma, papa, grandpa, great grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins,  friends, etc.   I have explained to her that family is so much more that a mom and dad.  That family is every one who loves you and is there for you.   

It's a tough situation that I wish she never had to go through but I think the reverse would be more damaging to her.   

I wish you the best. 

 

 
January 13, 2006, 8:52 am CST

working with what you have

I am a single mother of three, one is a young adult that is confused in his own right. I have an autistic son that is six ft tall and unmedicated( i'm 5'2"), and last I have a 15 year old daughter who is very much shaped as a woman. I have lost a son to crib death. I have lupus and fibromyalgia, i get guilt feelings because my illness does keep us from doing other normal things. I feel guilt over the whole lackof the "complete" family union aspect of it. HOWEVER, I have also come to realize it is what it is. The reality of who we are as a family is fact, I can't change it, but I can parent within it. Things I have learned: ( unfortunatly I gradually learned these things while my oldest was late teen) 

Don't take their lives for granted, always say you love them, always hug 

Pick your battles, may sound qliche but..really..they can keep their messy room..just pick up after you shower ,you dig?, 

when it comes to what they wear..their friends will tell them they look stupid..I don't have to. 

NEVER get into an argument with them..someone always has to win and after the fighting starts..it better be the parent that comes out on top 

It's easy to get into yelling matches..especially if your a young mother..but just don't do it 

You said no..keep sying it 

I also have explained to my kids that rules are to keep them safe, not to punish them 

I tell them not to do "things" for example as they are leaving to go out i will say" no drugs, no drinking, no kissing, no sex, and I always add"thats what college is for" 

I do read my daughters personal journal on occasion..the problem with this is...know that you might read somthing you don't want to...but..you can't react on a harsh level...she doesnt know i have checked on her, I'm pretty good at thinking of ways to start a conversation which will ultimatly end up in her confiding in me.  

Parenting is hard even when there are 2 ppl. In our case, I have made a decision to work with what we have...trust me it's not much..but we do it. 

one last thing ALWAYS EAT A MEAL TOGETHER!!!!! sit at a table, say your before meal prayer, turn off TV, and enjoy each other..or on some days..pretend! 

PS. When they really get to me, I am famous for turning on the exhuast fan over the stove and pretend I'm stirring something so I can bitch under my breath about them!!!!then turn around pleasently and say" what was that sweetie"? 

Take it easy and keep it real.
  

  

  

 
January 13, 2006, 12:54 pm CST

unable to cope

I was living with my boyfriend of 3 years up until a week ago.  After which he decide to tell me he did not want the kids any more.  My daughter is 19 months old and he is her father, and my son is 4 years old from a previous relationship.  I have been struggling with what to do for a week .  I feel sick to even consider the possiblity of throwing my kids away because he cannot handle it.  I have to decide what to do.  I love my kids and him.  How can I let go and get on with my life.  I call him constantly.  My mom wants to take the kids away from me.  I feel like no one cares what I am going thru.
 
January 13, 2006, 1:15 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: aries22

I was living with my boyfriend of 3 years up until a week ago.  After which he decide to tell me he did not want the kids any more.  My daughter is 19 months old and he is her father, and my son is 4 years old from a previous relationship.  I have been struggling with what to do for a week .  I feel sick to even consider the possiblity of throwing my kids away because he cannot handle it.  I have to decide what to do.  I love my kids and him.  How can I let go and get on with my life.  I call him constantly.  My mom wants to take the kids away from me.  I feel like no one cares what I am going thru.
NEVER give up your kids because of a man. You need to seek help from either church or professionals.  How could you ever go on knowing you gave up your kids, they have already lost a father, dont take away their mother. I promise you, even if you let your mom take your kids, he will still leave you in the end. Please don't do this.
 
January 13, 2006, 1:19 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: apfreema

NEVER give up your kids because of a man. You need to seek help from either church or professionals.  How could you ever go on knowing you gave up your kids, they have already lost a father, dont take away their mother. I promise you, even if you let your mom take your kids, he will still leave you in the end. Please don't do this.
I'm sorry I don't mean to sound so mean to you. I just wanted you to know I am a single mother of 3 from 2 previous marriages, now pregnant with my 4 child from a man I thought wanted to be me, and found out this week wants nothing more to do with me. No matter how tough and lonely I am (believe me I HATE to be alone, I have always had a man-see why I have 4 kids!) Anyway I keep praying and I know if nothing more I have my kids who love me no matter what. They will never walk away from me or leave me. I know you feel like no one understands, I promise I do. I have been tore up all week because he hasn't called me or anything and I'm used to being with him everyday. It's miserable but you can get through it, you got over your first husband, believe me it's hard but life gets better. please stay in touch.-April
 
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