Topic : Single Parenting

my daughter is 4 yrs old and Im 23. The grandma is in her late 50s.  I don't know why she lets my daughter do anything she wants.  My opinion is that she is taking the father's place. She did this with her son and I think that is why he is like he is today.  She has babied him all his life and never disiplined him.  He has never been taught responsibilities at all.  I have said something to her, but all I get is I just give in and can't let her cry like she does.   

  

I have asked why she doesn't like to sleep by herself and she tells me that she is scared.  She won't say of what though.  I have thought about seeking professional help with her.  B/c I don't want her to suffer later on in life b/c of the abuse that she has seen. 

The reason I ask your ages, is not because it's important how old you are. What is important is that you and the grandparent are oldER than your child, therefore YOU are in charge the child's life, not the child and not the grandmother. And it seems that you try to establish that in your relationship with your child... hence the problem from one setting to another. But if the grandmother isn't doing so, why do you allow that kind of parenting (or lack there of) to continue?  You're damn right that's why your child's father is like he is today. His own mother never held him responsible for his actions, why should he feel responsible for his child? So if the grandma's parenting style (again, or lack there of) caused her son to act the way he did, which ultimately put you where you in this situation... WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HER DO THE SAME THING TO YOUR CHILD? Frankly, you shouldn't allow her to see grandma. If she stops seeing grandma, it will stop reinforcing this "I can do whatever I want" mentality and the behavior problems will subside. Because that's what is happening here. She learns that she can do what she wants, and Grandma doesn't stop her (reinforcing the idea and behaviors). If you cut off the reinforcement, you cut off the behaviors. Everyone needs  allies/friends/social support in life, particularly children of single parents, but when that "support" really isn't supporting healthy growth and good behaviors... bye bye! It is much easier to cut that connection between her and Grandma than it is to change Grandma's parenting style (which she's been using her whole life!)  

  

Furthermore you need to explain to your daughter that people can't always do whatever they want or not want to do. "Man, this life thing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to work so much." We've all thought something like that before... but we don't do it, we don't just stop working because we want to. Your daughter needs to understand we can't do everything we want all the time. Ask her, "What would happen if Mommy wanted to have fun and not work? Would you get food? Would you get to go ______ (some activity she enjoys)?" 

  

One more thing, regarding the sleep. Again, it is more than likely that the sleep issues have some connection to the abuse. Someone (be it you, or a professional) need to find out what it is she is afraid of. At this point, for all we know it could be "a monster under the bed." (By the way, easy way to fix that, take the frame way and just lay the mattress on the ground.)" But if you are not able to find out what it is she is afraid of, then someone (a professional) needs to.  

thanks for the advice.  I just worry that if I don't allow the grandma to see my daughter that it will come back to bite me in the butt.  She only goes over one day a week and spends the night.  But it takes two days to get her back to her normal self.  I agree with you that is why I am in the situation today is bc she didn't do her job as a parent.   

thanks for the advice again. 

My email is downey6977@yahoo.com if you would like to write. 

My son is 5 years old and I am a single mother with a lot going on.  I go to school, am very involved in my son's education, and work.  With all of this I feel as if my relationship with my son suffers sometimes.  I can't afford to give up work or school because I need the paycheck and I want the education to have the better paycheck some day.  I don't want to give up being involved in my son's education because to me that is a priviledge that not enough parents take advantage of these days.  I stay up late at night because I won't do my homework until after my son goes to bed.  With all of this I have still somehow been able to maintain over a 3.5 out of 4.0 G.P.A.  I try to balance everything but sometimes don't feel it works very well.  I also worry about my son because the only male influence he has in his life is my father.  His father left the day he found out I was pregnant and I have no idea where he is.  I feel like my son is missong out on so much and I don't know what to do. 

Your daughter is 4!  She doesn't know how to talk about her feelings and emotions.  She may not grasp hateful tone with feelings of someone else.  

Her father not being in her life has nothing to do with your ability to raise her.  I am a single parent of an 8 yr old which I've raised alone from day 1.  Teach respect.  Explain to her about different "voices" or tones.  Kids don't know things unless they are taught.  If she wants to tell you something in a hateful tone, tell her you will not listen until she talks nicely.  If the grandmother wants to partake in her life, talk with her about her attitude when she returns.  You will not allow her to go if she can not behave afterwards.  When she respects you, then you will let her go.  Again, children will do what they are able to get by with (tempers, etc) and repeat what they are taught.     

Hi, 

  

I have been divorced from my daughter's father since she was 3 months old. My ex-mother-in-law caused a lot of problems in our marriage and contributed to our divorce very heavily. She moved back in with him within two weeks of my leaving him with our 3-week old daughter. And she has been there until about a months ago when my ex's third wife threatened to leave if my ex didn't make his mother move out. Now, my ex-mother-in-law is doing to the third wife what she did to me. 

  

The point is...when my daughter was around three, my ex started exercising his visitation, which he had not done until that time. My daughter would often come back home crying and clingy and insisted on sleeping with me. I continually asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. 

  

Finally, one weekend my daughter came home hysterical, crying, screaming "Mommy, please don't die and leave me!" When I finally got out of her what was going on in my ex-husband's house by his mother (his mother was telling my daughter she was going to kill me so my daughter could live with them), I filed an immediate injunction to get visitation stopped. And, it was stopped before the next visitation weekend.  

  

The court ordered my husband to go to therapy and, while there wasn't anything I could do to his mother,  I got my message across. When visitation resumed about 2 1/2 months later, I didn't have any more problems with them telling my four-year-old things like that. 

  

If your daughter's grandmother has no visitation rights, stop letting her go. If she does, call an attorney and see what you can do. If you are short on money, find the local legal services office in your area and go ask for advice or a free lawyer to help you out. It is better to err on the side of caution with your daughter than take the chance your ex-mother-in-law is telling her things she shouldn't be told. 

  

Put your foot down and let her know you mean business. If she wants to see your daughter, she has to play by your rules. Period. 

  

BTW, my ex has not seen my daughter in 4 years now. 

  

SD 

If the grandmother is telling the daughter bad things about her mother, grandmother needs to be stopped. A 4-year-old doesn't just come home angry with Mom after visiting Dad's mom for no reason. I would be willing to bet grandmother is saying things or telling the child things to turn her against her mother. 

  

If all else fails, take her to a child psychologist, because something isn't quite right with the visual I am getting. Grandmother is most likely up to something and the child shouldn't be put in the middle by mom, it will only make it worse and may actually reinforce anything negative grandmother may be saying about mom. 

I am a single mother of an 8 1/2 yr old son his father was always in trouble too.  Once I found out I was pregnant I left his father also realizing I didn't want to put my son thru what I went thru. ( he was abusive and an alcoholic and cheater)  His dad was in rehab most of my son's life.  Until I felt my son was ready I didn't tell him where his father was just that he had to work out of town..  After while it started to effect him at school.  So I sat down and talked to him.  Told him that his father was sick and loves him and that is why he is away trying to get the help he needs cause he was never taught the right way.  I have always been honest with my son.  At some point he started to blame himself for his dad leaving.  When his father got out of rehab the 2nd time he would come by maybe once a month to see his son  and when he did he would be drinking and/or smoking.( I don;t smoke and maybe drink once every 3 mo.)  My son started to realize his dad would never change.  I explained to my son that his dad does love him just is not ready to be a full time parent  and that I would always be there for him no matter what.  His dad's mother comes to town quite often and when there is school holidays he goes to her house, and he would rather be with his g'ma then his dad.  My son know that I do as much as possible to get his dad to write or just call and even he gets frustrated when he calls and his dad doesn't answer the phone.  I have even told my son that he has 4 other bro/sis all from different mothers (he only see one of them)  And he is upset that his dad could do that and not care about how the other kids feel.  My son doesn't lie to me I know cause he comes home and tells me things good and bad that he has done thru the day and know he will get in trouble but I tell him it would be worse if he wasn't honest, that I would eventually find out.  I am always honest with him And you would be surprised at how much your kids do understand what is going on.  They can tell when you are upset or bothered.  I wouldn;t come out and say her father is in Jail yet just that he has a problem and because he loves her is trying to get all better so he can be a better parent.    I also keep a journal of when, what or how the time spent with the father is whether it be good or bad.  So that when my son grows up he can see for himself.  He will even write in there sometimes about how much fun he had at his dads or that he tried calling and was upset his dad didn't answer or call back.  Just hold your ground and be glad that you are raising her and she will pick up your mannerisms and won't rebel.  I even talk to my son that when he gets older he might want to drink and that I know that and I just want him to be able to know that he can call me instead of getting behind the wheel.  Even though he  tells me over and over he will never drink.  I tell him well just know that I will ALWAYS be there.    That;s the best thing you can do   is to let your child know they can rely on you and your support.

I have been a single parent from the beginning.  I did not want my child raised in a particularly "at risk" environment.  I think you and I had the same thought in mind -the child does not need a negative influence.  Good for you for taking that leap.  My son does not know his father and never will since he relinquished his rights.  But, be honest with your child.  You know your child's maturity level.  Start with something small like the last lady mentioned about people make bad mistakes.  As he is ready to handle more information, then you can provide more eventually leading up to "your father made bad choices.  As his punishment, he had to go to jail".  Explain to your son what those were (if appropiate!)  Don't lie.  Your son is old enough to accept bits and pieces at a time.  The last thing you want is your son hoping that THIS is the weekend he's coming home.  You'd be setting your child up for a lifetime of disappointments or unfulfilled promises.  When your son is older, you want him to still confide in you, not resent you for not being honest -as you have been teaching him.  

He is indeed the father.  He has every right to see the child as you do.  You may be the custodial parent but because he doesn't come around, doesn't mean he's not entitled to that visitation.  I know you are probably enraged with what I am saying.  Child support and visitations are two seperate issues!!!  I understand that paying child support is a symbol of responsibility, interest  and maturity.  However, any court will tell you those are two seperate issues.  Visitations are a right.  Child support is an obligation.  You must fulfull your obligations but don't have to fulfill your rights.   Introduce the child and father in a casual environment.  Playground, zoo, park, etc... Someplace where the child is not forced to talk to the parent but interaction/playing and bonding can take place.  Increase the visitation time.  You say the father and you are getting along. On the side, express to him that he is making a big commitment to be involved and you expect him to continue.  Best of luck to you : )