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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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October 20, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

Look at your state laws

Quote From: downey6977

 I am a single mom to a 4yr old daughter.  She will not talk to me and she is very hateful towards me.  Her father is not in her life.  He could care less about her.  She visits his mother every week and when she comes back from their house, she acts like a totally different person.  Like she is mad at me for some reason.  What can i do to get her to talk? 

  

Hi, 

  

I have been divorced from my daughter's father since she was 3 months old. My ex-mother-in-law caused a lot of problems in our marriage and contributed to our divorce very heavily. She moved back in with him within two weeks of my leaving him with our 3-week old daughter. And she has been there until about a months ago when my ex's third wife threatened to leave if my ex didn't make his mother move out. Now, my ex-mother-in-law is doing to the third wife what she did to me. 

  

The point is...when my daughter was around three, my ex started exercising his visitation, which he had not done until that time. My daughter would often come back home crying and clingy and insisted on sleeping with me. I continually asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. 

  

Finally, one weekend my daughter came home hysterical, crying, screaming "Mommy, please don't die and leave me!" When I finally got out of her what was going on in my ex-husband's house by his mother (his mother was telling my daughter she was going to kill me so my daughter could live with them), I filed an immediate injunction to get visitation stopped. And, it was stopped before the next visitation weekend.  

  

The court ordered my husband to go to therapy and, while there wasn't anything I could do to his mother,  I got my message across. When visitation resumed about 2 1/2 months later, I didn't have any more problems with them telling my four-year-old things like that. 

  

If your daughter's grandmother has no visitation rights, stop letting her go. If she does, call an attorney and see what you can do. If you are short on money, find the local legal services office in your area and go ask for advice or a free lawyer to help you out. It is better to err on the side of caution with your daughter than take the chance your ex-mother-in-law is telling her things she shouldn't be told. 

  

Put your foot down and let her know you mean business. If she wants to see your daughter, she has to play by your rules. Period. 

  

BTW, my ex has not seen my daughter in 4 years now. 

  

SD 

 
October 20, 2005, 12:35 pm CDT

Hang on...

Quote From: dchmtx

Your daughter is 4!  She doesn't know how to talk about her feelings and emotions.  She may not grasp hateful tone with feelings of someone else.  

Her father not being in her life has nothing to do with your ability to raise her.  I am a single parent of an 8 yr old which I've raised alone from day 1.  Teach respect.  Explain to her about different "voices" or tones.  Kids don't know things unless they are taught.  If she wants to tell you something in a hateful tone, tell her you will not listen until she talks nicely.  If the grandmother wants to partake in her life, talk with her about her attitude when she returns.  You will not allow her to go if she can not behave afterwards.  When she respects you, then you will let her go.  Again, children will do what they are able to get by with (tempers, etc) and repeat what they are taught.     

If the grandmother is telling the daughter bad things about her mother, grandmother needs to be stopped. A 4-year-old doesn't just come home angry with Mom after visiting Dad's mom for no reason. I would be willing to bet grandmother is saying things or telling the child things to turn her against her mother. 

  

If all else fails, take her to a child psychologist, because something isn't quite right with the visual I am getting. Grandmother is most likely up to something and the child shouldn't be put in the middle by mom, it will only make it worse and may actually reinforce anything negative grandmother may be saying about mom. 

 
October 20, 2005, 2:53 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: cscutie79

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...
I am a single mother of an 8 1/2 yr old son his father was always in trouble too.  Once I found out I was pregnant I left his father also realizing I didn't want to put my son thru what I went thru. ( he was abusive and an alcoholic and cheater)  His dad was in rehab most of my son's life.  Until I felt my son was ready I didn't tell him where his father was just that he had to work out of town..  After while it started to effect him at school.  So I sat down and talked to him.  Told him that his father was sick and loves him and that is why he is away trying to get the help he needs cause he was never taught the right way.  I have always been honest with my son.  At some point he started to blame himself for his dad leaving.  When his father got out of rehab the 2nd time he would come by maybe once a month to see his son  and when he did he would be drinking and/or smoking.( I don;t smoke and maybe drink once every 3 mo.)  My son started to realize his dad would never change.  I explained to my son that his dad does love him just is not ready to be a full time parent  and that I would always be there for him no matter what.  His dad's mother comes to town quite often and when there is school holidays he goes to her house, and he would rather be with his g'ma then his dad.  My son know that I do as much as possible to get his dad to write or just call and even he gets frustrated when he calls and his dad doesn't answer the phone.  I have even told my son that he has 4 other bro/sis all from different mothers (he only see one of them)  And he is upset that his dad could do that and not care about how the other kids feel.  My son doesn't lie to me I know cause he comes home and tells me things good and bad that he has done thru the day and know he will get in trouble but I tell him it would be worse if he wasn't honest, that I would eventually find out.  I am always honest with him And you would be surprised at how much your kids do understand what is going on.  They can tell when you are upset or bothered.  I wouldn;t come out and say her father is in Jail yet just that he has a problem and because he loves her is trying to get all better so he can be a better parent.    I also keep a journal of when, what or how the time spent with the father is whether it be good or bad.  So that when my son grows up he can see for himself.  He will even write in there sometimes about how much fun he had at his dads or that he tried calling and was upset his dad didn't answer or call back.  Just hold your ground and be glad that you are raising her and she will pick up your mannerisms and won't rebel.  I even talk to my son that when he gets older he might want to drink and that I know that and I just want him to be able to know that he can call me instead of getting behind the wheel.  Even though he  tells me over and over he will never drink.  I tell him well just know that I will ALWAYS be there.    That;s the best thing you can do   is to let your child know they can rely on you and your support.
 
October 20, 2005, 3:23 pm CDT

bad parent-not bad child

Quote From: carlosrene

I am a single mother of an 8 1/2 yr old son his father was always in trouble too.  Once I found out I was pregnant I left his father also realizing I didn't want to put my son thru what I went thru. ( he was abusive and an alcoholic and cheater)  His dad was in rehab most of my son's life.  Until I felt my son was ready I didn't tell him where his father was just that he had to work out of town..  After while it started to effect him at school.  So I sat down and talked to him.  Told him that his father was sick and loves him and that is why he is away trying to get the help he needs cause he was never taught the right way.  I have always been honest with my son.  At some point he started to blame himself for his dad leaving.  When his father got out of rehab the 2nd time he would come by maybe once a month to see his son  and when he did he would be drinking and/or smoking.( I don;t smoke and maybe drink once every 3 mo.)  My son started to realize his dad would never change.  I explained to my son that his dad does love him just is not ready to be a full time parent  and that I would always be there for him no matter what.  His dad's mother comes to town quite often and when there is school holidays he goes to her house, and he would rather be with his g'ma then his dad.  My son know that I do as much as possible to get his dad to write or just call and even he gets frustrated when he calls and his dad doesn't answer the phone.  I have even told my son that he has 4 other bro/sis all from different mothers (he only see one of them)  And he is upset that his dad could do that and not care about how the other kids feel.  My son doesn't lie to me I know cause he comes home and tells me things good and bad that he has done thru the day and know he will get in trouble but I tell him it would be worse if he wasn't honest, that I would eventually find out.  I am always honest with him And you would be surprised at how much your kids do understand what is going on.  They can tell when you are upset or bothered.  I wouldn;t come out and say her father is in Jail yet just that he has a problem and because he loves her is trying to get all better so he can be a better parent.    I also keep a journal of when, what or how the time spent with the father is whether it be good or bad.  So that when my son grows up he can see for himself.  He will even write in there sometimes about how much fun he had at his dads or that he tried calling and was upset his dad didn't answer or call back.  Just hold your ground and be glad that you are raising her and she will pick up your mannerisms and won't rebel.  I even talk to my son that when he gets older he might want to drink and that I know that and I just want him to be able to know that he can call me instead of getting behind the wheel.  Even though he  tells me over and over he will never drink.  I tell him well just know that I will ALWAYS be there.    That;s the best thing you can do   is to let your child know they can rely on you and your support.
I have been a single parent from the beginning.  I did not want my child raised in a particularly "at risk" environment.  I think you and I had the same thought in mind -the child does not need a negative influence.  Good for you for taking that leap.  My son does not know his father and never will since he relinquished his rights.  But, be honest with your child.  You know your child's maturity level.  Start with something small like the last lady mentioned about people make bad mistakes.  As he is ready to handle more information, then you can provide more eventually leading up to "your father made bad choices.  As his punishment, he had to go to jail".  Explain to your son what those were (if appropiate!)  Don't lie.  Your son is old enough to accept bits and pieces at a time.  The last thing you want is your son hoping that THIS is the weekend he's coming home.  You'd be setting your child up for a lifetime of disappointments or unfulfilled promises.  When your son is older, you want him to still confide in you, not resent you for not being honest -as you have been teaching him.  
 
October 20, 2005, 3:34 pm CDT

2 parents

Quote From: tkebobby

Well, first off I am a firm believer that a child should have two parents. However, both parents need to be responsible adults. As far as allowing him to see his son, it is a good thing IF and ONLY IF he is ready to be this child's father, and that means for the rest of his natural life. Things that might suggest this, for starters, paying child support. No money, no kid. That is not to say that money and material possesions are everything, but lets face it, kids are expencive! Furthermore, I'm even saying that he needs to pay to see his child. What I am suggesting is that the money be a sign that he is being responsible, he has a good job and is willing to provide for his child. You need to have a clearly defined number of things which he must do to prove to you he is willing to be a good father this time around. And he needs to be clearly told, until he has done those things (and continues to do them afterward) he will not have gained your trust.   
He is indeed the father.  He has every right to see the child as you do.  You may be the custodial parent but because he doesn't come around, doesn't mean he's not entitled to that visitation.  I know you are probably enraged with what I am saying.  Child support and visitations are two seperate issues!!!  I understand that paying child support is a symbol of responsibility, interest  and maturity.  However, any court will tell you those are two seperate issues.  Visitations are a right.  Child support is an obligation.  You must fulfull your obligations but don't have to fulfill your rights.   Introduce the child and father in a casual environment.  Playground, zoo, park, etc... Someplace where the child is not forced to talk to the parent but interaction/playing and bonding can take place.  Increase the visitation time.  You say the father and you are getting along. On the side, express to him that he is making a big commitment to be involved and you expect him to continue.  Best of luck to you : )
 
October 20, 2005, 7:51 pm CDT

scared single mom

  I am a single mom of 3 children. Right now i live at home with my mother and step father. My oldest is a golden child stright a's never does wrong. My youngest has his days but for most of the time a great kid. 

           Now my middle child Hanna G od help! She cusses me she fights me kicking calling me names, I've tried everything her doctor has said ive tryed my own things can someone help!!!!!! 

  

  

  

                                                                                    Please, 

                                                                                   a stressed out mom  

 
October 20, 2005, 7:57 pm CDT

Looking for advice on potential custody issues

Here's the story... 

I am 11 weeks pregnant and currently not in a relationship with the father.  He is aware of the baby and wants to be involved, however he is from the US and I'm from Canada.  He has agreed to pay child support as he feels that it's the least he can do as he won't be in the child's day to day life.   

  

I am very greatful for him wanting to be involved, however, I'm concerned that when this child is born he will change his thinking.  I'm scared that he will try to take this baby away from me once he can hold him/her and touch his/her fingers, etc.  He is very distant right now and I think it's because he wants to protect himself so that he won't get hurt from not seeing this baby very often. 

  

Therefor I would like things settled legally before the baby comes so that we can get everything organized and there will be less drama and disagreements later.  I want to know what things could come up that we could legally get on paper before problems occur.  I'm trying to be proactive and get as much settled as possible as there will be so many other unpredicable factors.  I want to be as prepared as possible.  

  

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 
November 1, 2005, 9:11 am CST

In need of good advice

I am in need of some good advice. I am 20 years old and have a 1 year old son and am raising him without his father in his life. I live with my parents and am very greatful that they are helping me out by giving us a place to live and watching him while I am at work.  

The first 9 months of his life I was one of those mothers who did nothing but sit around with the baby on my chest. My mom was constantly telling me that I need to put him down and I never listened because we loved cuddling up together. I believe that the time I spent with him at that time in his life was a big part of the happy child that he is today. He always has a smile on his face and is constantly "on the go".  

My problem is this: at 9 months I stopped breastfeeding and started meeting new friends and going on dates. Now, he is 13 months and I have a couple friends and a boyfriend. I work during the week but not even that many hours and I am looking for a job with more hours. I am with him during the week when I am home and I go out usually one time on the weekends.  

I started dating a guy and I think that it will last for a long time, I do not see the problem with having my son around my boyfriend once in a while. Not like we have him with us every time we go out, just once in a while we like to go out all 3 of us.  

Now my mother writes me e-mails (note that we live together and she could just talk to me) to tell me things like "you are a horrible mother" and "I am so disappointed in you" and other things like that. I have also heard her tell my son that he has a "bad mommy". 

She also goes around to other family members and friends to tell them what I am doing in hopes that they side with her and will tell me that some people are mad at me when they are not.  

  

She does not just do it to me, she does the same thing to my older sister who has 3 kids and lives on her own.  

Does anyone else think that she is acting weird or am I the one who is wrong?  

Please give me some advice!!! Thanks! 

 
November 1, 2005, 5:41 pm CST

Single Parenting

Quote From: babybear20

I am in need of some good advice. I am 20 years old and have a 1 year old son and am raising him without his father in his life. I live with my parents and am very greatful that they are helping me out by giving us a place to live and watching him while I am at work.  

The first 9 months of his life I was one of those mothers who did nothing but sit around with the baby on my chest. My mom was constantly telling me that I need to put him down and I never listened because we loved cuddling up together. I believe that the time I spent with him at that time in his life was a big part of the happy child that he is today. He always has a smile on his face and is constantly "on the go".  

My problem is this: at 9 months I stopped breastfeeding and started meeting new friends and going on dates. Now, he is 13 months and I have a couple friends and a boyfriend. I work during the week but not even that many hours and I am looking for a job with more hours. I am with him during the week when I am home and I go out usually one time on the weekends.  

I started dating a guy and I think that it will last for a long time, I do not see the problem with having my son around my boyfriend once in a while. Not like we have him with us every time we go out, just once in a while we like to go out all 3 of us.  

Now my mother writes me e-mails (note that we live together and she could just talk to me) to tell me things like "you are a horrible mother" and "I am so disappointed in you" and other things like that. I have also heard her tell my son that he has a "bad mommy". 

She also goes around to other family members and friends to tell them what I am doing in hopes that they side with her and will tell me that some people are mad at me when they are not.  

  

She does not just do it to me, she does the same thing to my older sister who has 3 kids and lives on her own.  

Does anyone else think that she is acting weird or am I the one who is wrong?  

Please give me some advice!!! Thanks! 

I would just like to point out that there is a lot of research that suggest we pick up our parenting style from our own parents. That doesn't mean we were all programed to be our parents. But what it does mean is that we parent relative to our own parents. Either we liked some aspect, or did not like some aspect and based on that we do what we feel is right. I've never agreed with having children out of wedlock, and whether anyone else agrees or not is beside the point. The point is that parents are primarily responcible for giving a child those morals. I don't know the details of your situation, or your sister's, but at face value your mother failed to do so! Furthermore, if you're going to complain about something you damn well better offer up a solution. If you mom is going to keep calling you a bad mother, dispite the fact she does not appear to be good one, then she needs to come up some reasons why you are a bad mother and what she feels could help. Otherwise she needs to shut up. So, ask her, to her face (and, yes, the emails are very passive agressive) to give you specific things she feels you are doing wrong. AND specific things she thinks you ought to be doing to correct the problem... if those things seem reasonable then follow her advice. But until she can come up with some kind of reasoning, she doesn't have much of an argument. 

 
November 3, 2005, 7:52 am CST

Crazy mom syndrome :p

Quote From: babybear20

I am in need of some good advice. I am 20 years old and have a 1 year old son and am raising him without his father in his life. I live with my parents and am very greatful that they are helping me out by giving us a place to live and watching him while I am at work.  

The first 9 months of his life I was one of those mothers who did nothing but sit around with the baby on my chest. My mom was constantly telling me that I need to put him down and I never listened because we loved cuddling up together. I believe that the time I spent with him at that time in his life was a big part of the happy child that he is today. He always has a smile on his face and is constantly "on the go".  

My problem is this: at 9 months I stopped breastfeeding and started meeting new friends and going on dates. Now, he is 13 months and I have a couple friends and a boyfriend. I work during the week but not even that many hours and I am looking for a job with more hours. I am with him during the week when I am home and I go out usually one time on the weekends.  

I started dating a guy and I think that it will last for a long time, I do not see the problem with having my son around my boyfriend once in a while. Not like we have him with us every time we go out, just once in a while we like to go out all 3 of us.  

Now my mother writes me e-mails (note that we live together and she could just talk to me) to tell me things like "you are a horrible mother" and "I am so disappointed in you" and other things like that. I have also heard her tell my son that he has a "bad mommy". 

She also goes around to other family members and friends to tell them what I am doing in hopes that they side with her and will tell me that some people are mad at me when they are not.  

  

She does not just do it to me, she does the same thing to my older sister who has 3 kids and lives on her own.  

Does anyone else think that she is acting weird or am I the one who is wrong?  

Please give me some advice!!! Thanks! 

I think you mom sounds a little deranged :p  Pardon my saying that, but she sounds like she's very overprotective and hates the idea of not having her children around.  So, she explodes on you and insults your parenting ability when you leave.  It sounds like her way of trying to get you to stick around.  I'd tell her that I don't appreciate the insults and if she doesn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  A good parent would encourage their children and point out the good things, not just berate them with negativity.  Whenever I feel like I'm not being a good enough mother, my father points out all of the good things I've done and tells me that I'm a wonderful mother I am. 

I once had a boyfriend who was too cowardly to confront me with problems, and wrote letters to me, even though we were living together.  I later confronted him face-to-face about it, but he just rejected the communication.  You can probably predict what happened to that relationship.  So it sounds like you mother has alot to say, but is too afraid to tell you face-to-face.  She's acting like a coward and a bully.  -And she needs to cut the cord because you are an adult now.  Plus, if you go out, try to find someone else to watch your son besides your parents if you don't already. 

 
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