Topic : Single Parenting

  I am a single mom of 3 children. Right now i live at home with my mother and step father. My oldest is a golden child stright a's never does wrong. My youngest has his days but for most of the time a great kid. 

           Now my middle child Hanna G od help! She cusses me she fights me kicking calling me names, I've tried everything her doctor has said ive tryed my own things can someone help!!!!!! 

                                                                                    Please, 

                                                                                   a stressed out mom  

Here's the story... 

I am 11 weeks pregnant and currently not in a relationship with the father.  He is aware of the baby and wants to be involved, however he is from the US and I'm from Canada.  He has agreed to pay child support as he feels that it's the least he can do as he won't be in the child's day to day life.   

I am very greatful for him wanting to be involved, however, I'm concerned that when this child is born he will change his thinking.  I'm scared that he will try to take this baby away from me once he can hold him/her and touch his/her fingers, etc.  He is very distant right now and I think it's because he wants to protect himself so that he won't get hurt from not seeing this baby very often. 

Therefor I would like things settled legally before the baby comes so that we can get everything organized and there will be less drama and disagreements later.  I want to know what things could come up that we could legally get on paper before problems occur.  I'm trying to be proactive and get as much settled as possible as there will be so many other unpredicable factors.  I want to be as prepared as possible.  

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. 

I am in need of some good advice. I am 20 years old and have a 1 year old son and am raising him without his father in his life. I live with my parents and am very greatful that they are helping me out by giving us a place to live and watching him while I am at work.  

The first 9 months of his life I was one of those mothers who did nothing but sit around with the baby on my chest. My mom was constantly telling me that I need to put him down and I never listened because we loved cuddling up together. I believe that the time I spent with him at that time in his life was a big part of the happy child that he is today. He always has a smile on his face and is constantly "on the go".  

My problem is this: at 9 months I stopped breastfeeding and started meeting new friends and going on dates. Now, he is 13 months and I have a couple friends and a boyfriend. I work during the week but not even that many hours and I am looking for a job with more hours. I am with him during the week when I am home and I go out usually one time on the weekends.  

I started dating a guy and I think that it will last for a long time, I do not see the problem with having my son around my boyfriend once in a while. Not like we have him with us every time we go out, just once in a while we like to go out all 3 of us.  

Now my mother writes me e-mails (note that we live together and she could just talk to me) to tell me things like "you are a horrible mother" and "I am so disappointed in you" and other things like that. I have also heard her tell my son that he has a "bad mommy". 

She also goes around to other family members and friends to tell them what I am doing in hopes that they side with her and will tell me that some people are mad at me when they are not.  

She does not just do it to me, she does the same thing to my older sister who has 3 kids and lives on her own.  

Does anyone else think that she is acting weird or am I the one who is wrong?  

Please give me some advice!!! Thanks! 

I would just like to point out that there is a lot of research that suggest we pick up our parenting style from our own parents. That doesn't mean we were all programed to be our parents. But what it does mean is that we parent relative to our own parents. Either we liked some aspect, or did not like some aspect and based on that we do what we feel is right. I've never agreed with having children out of wedlock, and whether anyone else agrees or not is beside the point. The point is that parents are primarily responcible for giving a child those morals. I don't know the details of your situation, or your sister's, but at face value your mother failed to do so! Furthermore, if you're going to complain about something you damn well better offer up a solution. If you mom is going to keep calling you a bad mother, dispite the fact she does not appear to be good one, then she needs to come up some reasons why you are a bad mother and what she feels could help. Otherwise she needs to shut up. So, ask her, to her face (and, yes, the emails are very passive agressive) to give you specific things she feels you are doing wrong. AND specific things she thinks you ought to be doing to correct the problem... if those things seem reasonable then follow her advice. But until she can come up with some kind of reasoning, she doesn't have much of an argument. 

I think you mom sounds a little deranged :p  Pardon my saying that, but she sounds like she's very overprotective and hates the idea of not having her children around.  So, she explodes on you and insults your parenting ability when you leave.  It sounds like her way of trying to get you to stick around.  I'd tell her that I don't appreciate the insults and if she doesn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  A good parent would encourage their children and point out the good things, not just berate them with negativity.  Whenever I feel like I'm not being a good enough mother, my father points out all of the good things I've done and tells me that I'm a wonderful mother I am. 

I once had a boyfriend who was too cowardly to confront me with problems, and wrote letters to me, even though we were living together.  I later confronted him face-to-face about it, but he just rejected the communication.  You can probably predict what happened to that relationship.  So it sounds like you mother has alot to say, but is too afraid to tell you face-to-face.  She's acting like a coward and a bully.  -And she needs to cut the cord because you are an adult now.  Plus, if you go out, try to find someone else to watch your son besides your parents if you don't already. 

 Hi I am the 47 year old mother of a 12 year old boy. His father left when he found out I was pregnant. My son has met his father only once when he was about 9. He has not asked about him sense. Over the years we have had ups and downs and fortunately we have had more ups than downs. 

However, over the last couple of years we are having more and more downs. He tells me that he doesn't care about anything. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. I think we both need cousnelling. However, I don't want to jump into something that may be more harmful. 

Let me describe my son to you.  He is 12 years old and gifted. He is currently in a program for the gifted and doing reasonable well. He is receiving A's and B's. He is quiet and very respectful to people outside of the house. Everyone loves him and tells me how wonderful he is. I get to see the otherside of him. Because no one else sees this side. I think it is me and I have done something wrong in raising him. I do try to compensate for him being in a single parent situation and this is probably where I have made my mistakes in raising him. He has not had to want for anything that I could provide without going into debt to get it.   

Last night he told me that he hated to me and always have and that I am too blind to see it. I can deal with this comment, because I know he is probably lashing out. What I can't deal with and what hurts the most is the anger that I saw in his eyes. Which leads me to believe that he may mean what he has said.  This morning I woke him to get ready for school. He has not spoken two words to me. I need help or guidance in how to proceed. I am very frustrated and concerned. I realize that it is only going to get worse unless I can fix it or get us both help. 

Frustrated in Chicago. 

A few things:  

1) While there no clear link between your situation as a single parent and any of his behavior, one this is sure. Given your situation, there is addes stress for both yourself and your son. The program for the gifted, while nice on paper is probably adding more unnecessary stress in his life. Your son is getting to the age where being "normal" and fitting are going to be just about the most important things. Why not just let him be a really smart 12 year old? Not only are there less expectations (stress) of him to do well, he will have be in class with the rest of the kids his age. 

2) I'm not a professional by any means, I am still an undergraduate. But what I do know is that childhood depression can be tricky because a lot of the signs of childhood depression are things that many kids do (and are not necessarily depressed). But the one thing that really should be a warning sign is something you wrote: "He tells me that he doesn't care about anything." But something else you write alarms me, "I think we both need cousnelling. However, I don't want to jump into something that may be more harmful." Getting proessional help is never a bad thing. Worst case senario, you go in and you fine out everything is fine and maybe you were over reacting and you're out some money. Best case, you find out something is wrong and they are able to help! I would certainly consult a professional. A few things though, make sure you get someone who specializes in Child Psychology, and ask what type of therapy they use. Generally, for depression you are looking for a Cognitive Behavorist (CBT or REBT).  

3) "I hate you," isn't that a right of passage? I thought every kid tells their parent(s) that they hate them. I'm sure I did at some point and I have a great relationship with my parents now... and really always have. If you're really concerned that he really does hate you, ask him why he "hates" you.  

This is probably a little off base for this topic.  The single parent I am writing about is my sister.  I have a great amount or respect and admiration for her.  She is raising a little alone, putting herself through college, and has been divorced twice.  I am not sure how she manages to get out of bed each morning.  My hat is off to her and all single parents for their devoted efforts!   

My sister and her 5 year old daughter have a very troubled relationship and I am unsure how to help.  Heather has had a lot of rough life experiences, from childhood abuse, to multiple failed marriages etc.  She is very short tempered, demanding and belittling toward her daughter.  They fight constantly, yelling at each other.  This is a 27 year old woman and a 5 year old !  Her daughter is VERY strong willed and stubborn, worse than most teenagers I know.  I love her dearly, but I can only handle her for short periods of time.  I feel guilty admiting that, but it is true.  What, if anything, can I do to help ease the situation?  They have both been in counseling for quite some time and I am not sure it is making any difference.  It has kept my sister from making some poor decisions in the meanwhile, but the parent child relationship is suffering!  Please give me some suggestions! 

I AM A SINGLE MOTHER WITH THREE GIRLS AGES 14, 9 AND 3.  THEY DONT FEEL THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE TO HELP OUT AROUND THE HOUSE. ALL I ASK OF THEM IS TO PICK UP ANYTHING THEY GET OUT IN THE EVENING AND SORT THEY'RE LAUNDRY TWICE A WEEK. FROM THE REACTION I GET YOU WOULD THINK THAT I ASKED THEM TO SCRUB THE FLOORS. SO OF COURSE TO AVOID A BATTLE I ALWAYS END UP DOING IT FOR THEM. MY PROBLEM IS I CANT STAND TO HAVE A CLUTTERED HOUSE. SO IT IS NOT SOMETHING I AM WILLING TO LET GO. WE ALSO HAVE ISSUES EVERYNIGHT AT DINNER. ONE DAUGHTER IS EXTREMELY PICKY AND REFUSES TO EAT ALMOST EVERYTHING I MAKE. I HAVE ASKED FOR DINNER SUGGESTIONS,HOWEVER SHE WOULD LIKE TO EAT CEREAL EVERYNIGHT.(NOT AN OPTION) I DONT FEEL THAT THAT IS A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE. ASKING THEM TO CLEAR THE TABLE IS RESPONSED BY ROLLING OF THE EYES, SIGHING ETC. 

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I TOOK AWAY HER ABILITY TO ACCESS THE INTERNET. I HAVE PARENTAL CONTROLS SET UP, BUT SHE WAS STILL FINDING WAYS TO VISIT CHAT ROOMS. WE DISCUSSED THE DANGERS OF PREDATORS ONLINE BUT SHE DOESNT FEEL THAT ANYTHING WOULD HAPPEN TO HER. EVEN AFTER I POSED AS HER TO ONE OF THE KIDS SHE WAS TALKING TO AND FOUND HIM TO BE VERY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT. AFTER A PHONE CALL WITH HIS MOTHER I FOUND OUT HE WAS EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY AND ATTEMPTED MURDER. 

SO NOW ALL I GET IS HATEFUL LOOKS AND ATTITUDE FROM HER BECAUSE I HAVE CUT HER OFF FROM THE INTERNET.  

AS FOR MY THREE YEAR OLD SHE IS OUT OF CONTROL. EVERY DAY FROM MORNING TIL BEDTIME IS CRYING AND TEMPER TANTRUMS. 

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHERE TO TURN. I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN HANDLE. ANY SUGGESTIONS. 

First let me start by saying that taking away the internet for a little while is a good solution, provided that you follow a few basic rules of punishment/reward. One, you set a specific time for how long you have taken away the internet. Second, that you really clearly explain why you took it away. Also, if you haven't already done so, place the computer in a shared, common place like the kitchen so that anyone can see what is going on.  

As far as getting them to pick up, you might just have to suck it up and have a messy house for a little bit. If you tell them to pick up their toys and sort their laundry and you end up doing it for them, all you are teaching them is that if they don't listen to you, you'll do it for them anyway. You need to stop reinforcing that idea that they can get you to do things for them by ignoring the problem long enough. Also, if you haven't already done so, show them specifically what you want them to do when you ask them to pick up their toys or sort their laundry 

The picky eater... let her starve. And I don't mean that in an abusive way... what I mean is that you should make food you know she has been willing to eat in the past, and if she doesn't eat it then don't give her anything else to eat. She'll get hungry, and when she does, she'll eat what ever you cooked her. I'm not saying to withhold food. But what I am saying is to make available ONLY the foods which you feel are appropriate... it's like letting a child go outside in the winter with out a jacket, they learn real fast that they need one! 

The little one... I have a few good tricks for her :-) A 3 year old is developmentally old enough to feel embarrassment/shame.  If these tantrums are happening in public go right ahead and have a tantrum with her! Get on the ground and go to town with the screaming and whining. You might feel silly, but imagine how stupid your kid will think you look and how embarrassing that will be. Another useful thing that many parents try, but seldom to correctly is Time Out. There are a couple key things that need to happen for time out to be effective.  

1) It needs to be issued immediately.  

2) The child should be sent somewhere 100% free of ANYTHING that might be rewarding. "Go to your room" is a horrible option. Unless the bedroom is a stark white room with nothing but a bed, there is bound to be something rewarding in here. Rather, send them to the corner of a room where there is nothing rewarding.  

3) Time out should be short. And by short I mean less than 30 seconds. Once I heard some guideline like 10 seconds, plus 2 more for each year. So in your 3 year old's case, about 16 seconds. Many learning theorist feel that in order to make an association, the reinforcement must happen with in 1-5 seconds. If you remove the possibility for any reinforcement for 20 than there will be no association made.  

4) After time out is over explain to them, very clearly, "______ is what you did. That is not acceptable, and because of that, you got a time out."  

Just a few more basics about punishment/reward. First, when possible use a reward rather than a punishment. "If you behave/do ________, then you will get _______."  IF you have to punish, keep in mind that taking away stuff is usually better than adding something (more tasks, or spanking). Also, not only with time out but all punishment, it needs to be immediate... that classic line "wait until your father gets home," is a really bad idea because by that point there won't be any connection between what they did that was wrong and the punishment. And finally, always explain why.