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Topic : Single Parenting
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September 11, 2006, 11:42 pm PDT
 Quote From: hltibbs Hey all, I just wanted to share a bit of what is happening with me. I don't post here much I thought I might get some useful input. In 1993, my wife and I divorced. As a result of the ccircumstances, Iwas awarded custody of our son. He was 16 months old at the time of ourseparation. I was an over the road truck driver at the time. Needlessto say, good child care sometimes came at a price. I wound up giving mytruck up that I had bought the fall prior to stay home with him.Needless to say, without an income, the time at home only lasted a fewmonths. I was able, in time, to find someone to drive for and later on,found somone to drive for who was willing to take care of my son. Itwas a very lucrative arrangement. Childcare was payroll deducted andthey took care of him as their own. To this day, I still consider themgood friends. Back to the custody thing. My ex-wife's terms of visitation were thatshe was on 24 hour notice for random drug and alcohol testing. Thefirst time she was called for the test, she refused. Therefore she losther visitation rights, giving me sole custody. More about this later on. When it came time for school to start for him, I decided it was onceagain time to come in off of the road. I took a local job driving adump truck. The pay was ok but not like what I was used to making.Nevertheless, I dealt with it the best I could. Keep in mind that child support was another can of worms. Every timethe court would locate her to collect, she moved on to a different job.It was quite some time before I started getting child support checks ona regular basis. When they did come in, they were very much welcomed. OK, now keep in mind that there was a period of years between the timeshe lost her visitation rights and the time that I, on my own, decidedto allow them time together. I had decided that he needed to see herand start learning the truth. I told him long before hand that I couldnot choose how he felt about his mother, only he could. I also (as muchas it pained me) abstained from adverse remarks about her in hispresence. Time continued to go on and as he got older, he decided to want to see her more. Well, it came to a point to where I had to go back to long haultrucking so I made her a deal. If she would take care of him (in myhome) so that I could work and support him, I would ask the court tosuspend her child support obligation. In this deal, I provided the roofover their heads, food and what they needed there. As my mother livednext door, I could always send more money home for groceries orneccessities. This deal was short lived. She reneged on the deal anddecided that she wanted paid for taking care of her own kid! Well, the Child Support Enforcement Agency has not been cooperativeabout re-instating her child support obligation, even if it was thestate minimum of $ 86.67/mo. More years passed and he started becoming rebellious. This summer, itgot to thepoint to where he thought he was mean enough to take dad onlike an adult. Keep in mind that we are talking about a 5'7" and 135pound boy trying to go after his 260 pound dad. Had I tried this withmy father, they would have still been peeling me off of the asphalt tothis day. I knew long ago that this day was coming so I asked a localsheriff's deputy on what my limitations were and how to handle it inthe most effective manner. He was very happy to explain my limits to meon how to handle such a situation. When it happened back in July, I didexactly as he had told me and everything went exactly as he had toldme. My son was politely escorted out in handcuffs and spent the nightin the juvenile center where the next day he plead guilty to domesticviolence and assault. This was all over me asserting my authority and telling him that he wasnot to associate with a certain person as my son's behavior had gonedownhill since the kid had moved onto the street. The one thing that I didn't count on was my son telling the court thathe wanted to go live with his mother because he and dad argued toomuch. My points in this matter were made clear. First, a person isknown by the company that he keeps. Second, until he turns 18 and movesout, he lives by my rules, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Well, he got his wish and now lives with his mother. She now is gettinga taste of what I have dealt with for the last 14 years (he is 15 now).It appears that everyone on that end is trying to play everyone against one another and I seem to be in the middle of it. The custody hearing is next week and I have decided to have an attorney present as there may be an issue with child support (as I haven't seen a check in years). She claims that her tax refund checks were taken to cover his medical card but that still didn't put checks in my mailbox to buy his clothing and other necessary items. I informed him that if this is his ultimate choice and the change of custody is complete, there is no turning back. I have also accepted a job running 48 states and Canada again. I figure that if he doesn't want to live with me, I ought to be able to go back to making the money that I once did while at the same time, have decent benefits and even carry insurance on him. I have been driving a dump truck locally in road construction for the last 5 years with no benefits (except for a state medical card - and I barely qualified for that- a few more dollars a month and I would have had NO INSURANCE on either of us). I COULD SURE USE SOME INPUT IF NOT ENCOURAGEMENT IN THIS MATTER. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and pray for him. Dr. Phil, if you see this, I would sure like to hear from you because there is a lot more and I am not sure if this text field will handle all of it. Thanks all for reading this long winded post. I don't know if the best thing is to tell your son that the door swings one way and that is out. My parents did this to me and I was very angry with them for some years. Needless to say, I lost both of my parents too young. I lost my dad in 86 at the age of 50 and my mom in 92 at the age of 51. Unfortunately, you do not realize how much you need them when you are young. You don't think that you will loose them so young, but when they are gone they are gone. I forgot to let you know that I was only 22 when both had passed.
Have you taken the time to sit with your son and find out if this is really what he wants to do? It sounds like you are so angry with your ex wife that you are going to make your son pay the price of your anger. I am not saying that your son should be able to walk all over you either. Unfortunately, your son has been in the middle of a nasty custody battle for some time and I am sure this is very hard on him. I am sure that if your ex had or has a problem with drugs that she is not making sure that he is being given the attention nor the guidance that you were giving him. You obviously took custody of your son for a reason and I can only assume that was so he could have a better life. If I am correct in stating this then why are you giving up on him? Do you think your wife can give him a better life or are you just tired of the arguing between the two of you? I have not met a child that likes to be disciplined, but you need to make sure that this is what you want for him and that this is what he wants for him.
Now that I am older I can appreciate that my parents brought me up in a strict environment. But when I was younger I would have done anything to go live with the neighbors because I thought my parents were so mean and theirs were so easy going. Today, the neighbor’s kids are all in jail or dead. They got caught up with the wrong people and the parents just let them go wild. I am sure the parents wish that they had been stricter, and would do anything to have their children back today.
You have obviously done a good job with your son and you need to realize he is at that age that is both hard for you and hard for him. I just do not want to see you give up on him and a few years down the road find out that he got caught up with the wrong people and he is either in prison or doing things you wish he wasn’t. Like I said you did not give up on him when he was an infant, don’t give up on him now when he needs his DAD.
Good luck with whatever your decision may be and my prayers are with you. God Bless
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September 12, 2006, 12:04 am PDT
Quote From: erinann146 Help! I am frustrated, depressed and disappointed. I am a single mom of two (17 and 19) and have raised them for 10 yrs now without any help from their dead beat dad. The problem is my 19 yr old son's disrespectful attitude. He and his girlfriend of 6 months have been having sex in his room when I am not home. The only reason that I know is that they leave the evidence behind (used condom) in his trash can. I've told him once before that this behavior was disrespectful towards me and my home and that he better never do it again. He assured me that it was a one time thing, appologized and said it wouldn't happen again. Well today I go to his room to pick up a little and notice that there are atleast 5 or 6 visible condoms on top of his trash. I can't tell how angry, disappointed and hurt I felt. I waited a few hours before I spoke with him (to calm down) about it. I very sternly told him (like the first time) that his behavior was unacceptable and completely disrespectful. I told him that while he is living in my house that he should respect my rules. I pointed out that this is the second time that I've had to speak with him about this and that there just wouldn't be a thired conversation. If it happens again, I told him that I will make him leave this house. His response to me this time was quite different from the first. He told me: "whats the big deal" "why are you making such a big thing out of this" "what do you want us to do.........have sex at parties" "this is my house too.....I live here too" Well, after hearing his response and the tone of it I lost it. I told him that he has one month to move out. I said that if he feels that he is such a man then he should be living on his own and not with his mother. It ended with me going to my room crying and him storming out of the house. I am now so anxious over what happened that I am sick to my stomach. I can't and shouldn't live with such disrespect. However, I am worried to death that if I do follow through and make him leave that he will move in with some people that he recently started to hang out with (fair weather friends). These people aren't going anywhere in life. They drink and do drugs on a regular basis. I am afraid that my son will choose this path if I make him leave. His father chose this path and it has always (understandably) hurt my son. There is also another aspect of this that I feel I need to mention. My son came to be several months ago asking for help with depression. I got his set up with a counselor, he went several times then stopped. I set him up with a physiciatrist (sp?) and he put him on welbutrin. My took the medicine for about one month and stopped. Now that he turned 19 (this month) he has no health insurance and can't afford to go back. Also, he has an uncle that commited suicide last year that he was fairly close too. I am afraid that I will push him over the edge. But should I let him walk all over me. To be blatent enough to just toss used condoms on the top of his trash (no effort to hide) tells me that he just doesn' care. Help!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do. How old is your son’s girlfriend? Is she just as disrespectful as your son is being right now? The problem I think you have is that if you renege on your threat that he will never believe that you will throw him out for this type of disrespect. Also like you said you don’t want to push him over the edge.
May be you could set up a time to sit down with him (and only him, no girl friend or anyone else). You might even want to do it in a public place so that he does not feel that he can loose his temper like he does at home. Go out to a restaurant. Before you go, make a list of questions that are bothering you, things that have changed in him. Writing down the questions will help you remember what you want to ask him and help you get to the root of the problem. Ask him what is bothering him. Ask him why he feels that it is OK to treat you with disrespect. Let him know that you love him, but you cannot put up with him talking to you like this. Let him know that you do not disrespect him and he should have the same respect for you. If this disrespect just started you want to nip it in the butt before it goes on for too long.
Is your other child acting out? If so make time for this child also and do the same thing. May be things have changed in their lives and you did not even know it.
Good Luck and my prayers will be with you. God Bless |
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September 12, 2006, 7:39 am PDT
Quote From: tigger62 I don't know if the best thing is to tell your son that the door swings one way and that is out. My parents did this to me and I was very angry with them for some years. Needless to say, I lost both of my parents too young. I lost my dad in 86 at the age of 50 and my mom in 92 at the age of 51. Unfortunately, you do not realize how much you need them when you are young. You don't think that you will loose them so young, but when they are gone they are gone. I forgot to let you know that I was only 22 when both had passed.
Have you taken the time to sit with your son and find out if this is really what he wants to do? It sounds like you are so angry with your ex wife that you are going to make your son pay the price of your anger. I am not saying that your son should be able to walk all over you either. Unfortunately, your son has been in the middle of a nasty custody battle for some time and I am sure this is very hard on him. I am sure that if your ex had or has a problem with drugs that she is not making sure that he is being given the attention nor the guidance that you were giving him. You obviously took custody of your son for a reason and I can only assume that was so he could have a better life. If I am correct in stating this then why are you giving up on him? Do you think your wife can give him a better life or are you just tired of the arguing between the two of you? I have not met a child that likes to be disciplined, but you need to make sure that this is what you want for him and that this is what he wants for him.
Now that I am older I can appreciate that my parents brought me up in a strict environment. But when I was younger I would have done anything to go live with the neighbors because I thought my parents were so mean and theirs were so easy going. Today, the neighbors kids are all in jail or dead. They got caught up with the wrong people and the parents just let them go wild. I am sure the parents wish that they had been stricter, and would do anything to have their children back today.
You have obviously done a good job with your son and you need to realize he is at that age that is both hard for you and hard for him. I just do not want to see you give up on him and a few years down the road find out that he got caught up with the wrong people and he is either in prison or doing things you wish he wasnt. Like I said you did not give up on him when he was an infant, dont give up on him now when he needs his DAD.
Good luck with whatever your decision may be and my prayers are with you. God Bless
Well, I think he knows that the door swings both ways but we
didhave a discussion on what he wants. He has decided that living with
his mother is what he wants to do. He is finding out that she, as well,
has rules, not all that dissimilar to mine. He has made many comments
and asked many times "why can't you be like mom?" I have not given up on him in any way, shape or form. In the past, ithas been about what he wants. So, am letting him have what he wants. I think in the short time that he has been there, he is finding out that there are rules no matter where you are. The point is to show him that what he wants may not always be the best. Sometimes, we have to practice "tough love" in order to get kids to learn valuable lessons in life. Maybe he will find out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, not to down his mother or her current partner. She has been with the same boyfriend for a number of years and I must say, out of all of the ones she has been with since our divorce, thisis the only one I have any kind of respect for. He successfully raised his kids and they are out on their own now. As far as her ability to take care of him now, people grow up a bit over the years and I am confident that she has too. This whole "ruckus" was about him hanging out with the wrong crowd andgetting into trouble. That is what put things beyond the breaking point. This all happened under my mother's roof. I started taking care of her needs a few years ago when she had to have hip replacement surgery and then cancer surgery. When those issues arose, I decided that I needed to step forward and take care of her. So, my son and I moved in with her. She, as well, has tried to guide him in the right direction. As I said, sometimes, one has to let the kids see that what they want isn't always what they want. In the meantime, I owe it to myselfto make a decent living and provide for him, no matter where he is. |
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September 12, 2006, 8:39 am PDT
I have a 12 Year old daughter and it's just my luck that when things start looking good in our lives , we ( I) am pulled back down the ladder. When it rains it storms too. Jobs are ok and surviving then wham I'm not working for one reason or another. My daughter is very interested in Taekwondo as well as myself, But because of no finances I can't take her to class anymore.Could someone tell me is there hope REALLY and TRULY a BETTER LIFE out there??? It breaks my heart that I can't take her to class and Disney World and childhood events that I didn't get to do in my childhood. It breaks my heart that she offers her own money to help me or when I have to tell her we can't afford it etc.... Being single Mom is along struggle especially when you live with another single Mom that makes her 14 year old daughter the center of attention and spoils her and my daughter is affected by it more ways than one. sincerely frustrated & heartbroken |
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September 12, 2006, 1:06 pm PDT
Quote From: mona_robin I have a 12 Year old daughter and it's just my luck that when things start looking good in our lives , we ( I) am pulled back down the ladder. When it rains it storms too. Jobs are ok and surviving then wham I'm not working for one reason or another. My daughter is very interested in Taekwondo as well as myself, But because of no finances I can't take her to class anymore.Could someone tell me is there hope REALLY and TRULY a BETTER LIFE out there??? It breaks my heart that I can't take her to class and Disney World and childhood events that I didn't get to do in my childhood. It breaks my heart that she offers her own money to help me or when I have to tell her we can't afford it etc.... Being single Mom is along struggle especially when you live with another single Mom that makes her 14 year old daughter the center of attention and spoils her and my daughter is affected by it more ways than one. sincerely frustrated & heartbroken You need to get out. Get your own place. Your feelings will only get worse living with someone who buys their child everything. Then once your on your own it will take a long time to have a better life. I am a single mom of 2 beautiful daughters (16 and 4). I have been having a VERY hard time. If it was not for my parents I would have gone crazy. You need to find someone to talk too. A girlfriend who will be there when you may need her in the middle of the night. Just remember when you are at your lowest you need to hold tight to your daughter. And THANK GOD for the blessings in your life. Your daughter WILL BE a GOD send to you until you get on the right track. |
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September 12, 2006, 2:55 pm PDT
I AM LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE I AM 30 AND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS..WE HAVE A SOON TO BE 11 YR OF DAUGHTER..MY PROBLEM IS I HAD A AFFAIR AND ALTHOUGH MY HUSBAND AND I STAYED TOGETHER ARE MARRIAGE IS HELL..AT LEAST ON MY PART..HE HAS BECOME VERY CONTROLLING I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS OR GO OUT HE SNOOPS THROUGH ALL MY STUFF CHECKS MY PHONE HE QUESTIONS ME ABOUT EVERYTHING..I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GET A JOB BUT SOMEHOW HAVE TO PAY MY PART OF THE BILLS I SELL STUFF ON THE NET WHICH BRINGS IN SOME MONEY BUT NOT WITH OUT A STRUGGLE..MY PROBLEM IS I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER AND AM VERY UNHAPPY THAT THIS WILL BE THE REST OF MY LIFE I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE BUT AM SCARED TO TELL HIM..I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON MY OWN AND AM NOT SURE I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN..MY HUSNAD HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING...I DONT HAVE ANY FAMILY THAT IS CLOSE BY SO I WOULD REALLY BE ON MY OWN..I DID LEAVE HIM AFTER THE AFFAIR FOR 3 MONTHS I MOVED IN WITH MY DAD WHO IS 2 HRS FROM US..THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE MY HUSBAND KEPT ME ON THE PHONE ALL DAY AND HAD ME DRIVING BACK AND FORTH EVERY OTHER DAY TO SEE HIM..HE NEVER LET ME HAVE A MIN TO THINK ABOUT THINGS IN THE END HE TALKED ME INTO MOVING BACK AND SINCE THEN I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE MUCH OF A LIFE..I KNOW I HURT HIM AND LOST HIS TRUST WITH THE AFFAIR AND FEEL TERRIBLE EVERYDAY ABOUT IT..THAT IS WHERE MY PROBLEM COMES IN...SHOULD I STAY AND TAKE WHAT I AM DEALT BECAUSE I DESERVE IT?? OR SHOULD I GET OUT AND MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR MYSELF AND OUR DAUGHTER?? |
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September 12, 2006, 4:55 pm PDT
Quote From: marzig I AM LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE I AM 30 AND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS..WE HAVE A SOON TO BE 11 YR OF DAUGHTER..MY PROBLEM IS I HAD A AFFAIR AND ALTHOUGH MY HUSBAND AND I STAYED TOGETHER ARE MARRIAGE IS HELL..AT LEAST ON MY PART..HE HAS BECOME VERY CONTROLLING I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS OR GO OUT HE SNOOPS THROUGH ALL MY STUFF CHECKS MY PHONE HE QUESTIONS ME ABOUT EVERYTHING..I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GET A JOB BUT SOMEHOW HAVE TO PAY MY PART OF THE BILLS I SELL STUFF ON THE NET WHICH BRINGS IN SOME MONEY BUT NOT WITH OUT A STRUGGLE..MY PROBLEM IS I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER AND AM VERY UNHAPPY THAT THIS WILL BE THE REST OF MY LIFE I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE BUT AM SCARED TO TELL HIM..I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON MY OWN AND AM NOT SURE I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN..MY HUSNAD HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING...I DONT HAVE ANY FAMILY THAT IS CLOSE BY SO I WOULD REALLY BE ON MY OWN..I DID LEAVE HIM AFTER THE AFFAIR FOR 3 MONTHS I MOVED IN WITH MY DAD WHO IS 2 HRS FROM US..THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE MY HUSBAND KEPT ME ON THE PHONE ALL DAY AND HAD ME DRIVING BACK AND FORTH EVERY OTHER DAY TO SEE HIM..HE NEVER LET ME HAVE A MIN TO THINK ABOUT THINGS IN THE END HE TALKED ME INTO MOVING BACK AND SINCE THEN I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE MUCH OF A LIFE..I KNOW I HURT HIM AND LOST HIS TRUST WITH THE AFFAIR AND FEEL TERRIBLE EVERYDAY ABOUT IT..THAT IS WHERE MY PROBLEM COMES IN...SHOULD I STAY AND TAKE WHAT I AM DEALT BECAUSE I DESERVE IT?? OR SHOULD I GET OUT AND MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR MYSELF AND OUR DAUGHTER?? I have been in your husband's shoes not once but multiple times. I too check phone bills and emails and thing of that nature. I never went to the extremes your husband has and to be honest I was miserable doing all that. I finally came to the realization that whatever happens happens. From your post, I sense that you were not happy in the marriage prior to the affair. I realize people have affairs for a multitude of reasons but there are times when a marriage can actually grow from one spouce or the other having an affair. I don't know the circumstances but I don't agree with you staying just so you can "recieve your punishment". I believe there are two sides to every story and I think that is definately the case here. My concern also lies with your daughter. She is at a very vulnerable age and I wonder how she is interpreting not only your actions for the tentions in the home. Is she viewing you as recieving your punishment, so to speak or is she viewing from you that it is alright to allow another person to dominate her life to the point of no longer being an individual. Your daughter is old enough to have some input and to talk to her about this because as bad an impact as the situation is having on you I can guarantee you the impact is multiplied with her. Keep in mind, this is merely me on the outside looking in with a very limited view. Whatever your decision, I wish you will. |
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September 12, 2006, 10:24 pm PDT
Am single mum of 4, eldest son lives with father. Was abusive relationship, more emotional than physical and now he uses kids to get to me... have court orders for kids but practically usless..can't make me do what it says.. to expensive and emotionally draining. i am basically ignoring him as he is always having a "go" at me but is reflecting in kids behaviour at home and towards each other and me. 8 year old is always saying, you don't care ., i'm going to go live with dad, no one loves me..when it couldn't be further from the truth.. 12 year can be explosive at times..verbally abusive to sisters.. 17 year old hurts younger ones at times and basically tells them to shut up all the time.. Eldest son comes over occasionally, says it because no one supports his dad here. I do not bag their father but they hear and see it all when with him and at drop offs...what to do?? |
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September 13, 2006, 3:33 am PDT
Quote From: bearcourage I have been in your husband's shoes not once but multiple times. I too check phone bills and emails and thing of that nature. I never went to the extremes your husband has and to be honest I was miserable doing all that. I finally came to the realization that whatever happens happens. From your post, I sense that you were not happy in the marriage prior to the affair. I realize people have affairs for a multitude of reasons but there are times when a marriage can actually grow from one spouce or the other having an affair. I don't know the circumstances but I don't agree with you staying just so you can "recieve your punishment". I believe there are two sides to every story and I think that is definately the case here. My concern also lies with your daughter. She is at a very vulnerable age and I wonder how she is interpreting not only your actions for the tentions in the home. Is she viewing you as recieving your punishment, so to speak or is she viewing from you that it is alright to allow another person to dominate her life to the point of no longer being an individual. Your daughter is old enough to have some input and to talk to her about this because as bad an impact as the situation is having on you I can guarantee you the impact is multiplied with her. Keep in mind, this is merely me on the outside looking in with a very limited view. Whatever your decision, I wish you will. i have talk with my daughhter about the situation..she aslo tells me that i should not put up with what he is doing she says that i am a adult and should not have to call him every time i need to go somewhere and should be allowed to have friends..she always tells me when he is looking though my purse or my truck..she is on to him..there relationship is good untill his son who is 14 comes over then she doesnt really get along with him..my husband acts one way and then when he son comes over he is all laughs and jokes and mister comedy..anyway his son his none of my concern he has caused me way too much stress and if i never saw him again it would be too soon..i have talked with my daughter about leaving she is actually pretty happy about it..i explained to her that nothing will be the same anymore that things may not be easy she is ok with that..but i dont know if i want her to be pk with that..i mean staying with my husband we dont have to struggle i juist cant have a life and sometimes i wonder if i really need to have friends i mean is it really worth it? my husband is in now way abusive or anything he just lost all trust in my and is trying to protect himself from getting hurt..which i understand but sometimes i think he goes over board with the interegation.. |
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September 13, 2006, 8:20 am PDT
Quote From: marzig I AM LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE I AM 30 AND HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS..WE HAVE A SOON TO BE 11 YR OF DAUGHTER..MY PROBLEM IS I HAD A AFFAIR AND ALTHOUGH MY HUSBAND AND I STAYED TOGETHER ARE MARRIAGE IS HELL..AT LEAST ON MY PART..HE HAS BECOME VERY CONTROLLING I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS OR GO OUT HE SNOOPS THROUGH ALL MY STUFF CHECKS MY PHONE HE QUESTIONS ME ABOUT EVERYTHING..I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GET A JOB BUT SOMEHOW HAVE TO PAY MY PART OF THE BILLS I SELL STUFF ON THE NET WHICH BRINGS IN SOME MONEY BUT NOT WITH OUT A STRUGGLE..MY PROBLEM IS I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER AND AM VERY UNHAPPY THAT THIS WILL BE THE REST OF MY LIFE I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE BUT AM SCARED TO TELL HIM..I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON MY OWN AND AM NOT SURE I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN..MY HUSNAD HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING...I DONT HAVE ANY FAMILY THAT IS CLOSE BY SO I WOULD REALLY BE ON MY OWN..I DID LEAVE HIM AFTER THE AFFAIR FOR 3 MONTHS I MOVED IN WITH MY DAD WHO IS 2 HRS FROM US..THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE MY HUSBAND KEPT ME ON THE PHONE ALL DAY AND HAD ME DRIVING BACK AND FORTH EVERY OTHER DAY TO SEE HIM..HE NEVER LET ME HAVE A MIN TO THINK ABOUT THINGS IN THE END HE TALKED ME INTO MOVING BACK AND SINCE THEN I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO HAVE MUCH OF A LIFE..I KNOW I HURT HIM AND LOST HIS TRUST WITH THE AFFAIR AND FEEL TERRIBLE EVERYDAY ABOUT IT..THAT IS WHERE MY PROBLEM COMES IN...SHOULD I STAY AND TAKE WHAT I AM DEALT BECAUSE I DESERVE IT?? OR SHOULD I GET OUT AND MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR MYSELF AND OUR DAUGHTER?? One thing is certain, your husband’s behavior isn’t going to make you happy or keep you around. Have you tried to rationally approach him about this topic? When he is checking your phone bills or email, speak up and say, ‘listen, you haven’t found anything because there isn’t anything going on; when will you forgive me?’ Him withholding forgiveness is making your life miserable and his life miserable, too. Perhaps he doesn’t know how to forgive. It doesn’t mean he forgets, it just means that he make the decision to live in your marriage NOW, not in the past, and to give you the change to rebuild trust. The way he is going about it, it seems like he isn’t interested in rebuilding trust, he just wants you to be as miserable as he is. If that is the case, you all suffer, your daughter included. No, you should not stay and take this punishment; you don’t deserve it- you have tried to redeem yourself; you’ve apologized, he wanted you back right away- he didn’t give himself time to learn how to forgive and now you shouldn’t have to ‘pay’ for that. The best thing you could do for your family is to go to marriage counseling. If your husband won’t go, I urge you to go for yourself, because you need to learn why you had the affair and how you can keep your self respect, or how to build your self respect. You deserve that. Your husband deserves happiness, too- but he isn’t allowing himself to accept it right now. |
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