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Topic : Single Parenting

Number of Replies: 470
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:46:38 pm
Author : dataimport
A family doesn't always include a mom and a dad. If you are raising children alone, get support from people who understand here.

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April 11, 2008, 6:51 am CDT

Wayward Adolescent

I would actually like some advice on my current situation. 

I raised a wonderful daughter for seventeen years with support of my parents.  Her dad was never around.  She had wonderful grades, put forth the effort to get into the college of her choice and was accepted.  Then one day she tells me that all of this planning for college was a lie, that she has been talking to her dad behind my back, she is going to go live with him and there wasnt a darn thing I can do about it.  I was shocked and hurt.  Suddenly I didnt know who this girl was.  I suggested that if she didnt like where she was living that she could stay with her grandparents for a little while, have her dad go visit her there so she could get to know him, still pursue her college goals so that she can have what she has worked so hard for and get to know her dad at the same time.  So she went to the grandparents, in the same state, however my parents helped her board an airplane to her dad in another state.  Now I am constantly harassed by her dad because he wants money from me.  He has my daughter call me and tell me that she can no longer talk to me until I quit "crapping on him", and I can hear him telling her to say this.  She has now become disrespectful like the dad she has never known.  When I ask for her return I am told that they are calling the police because I am harassing my daughter. 

My question is, do I let her stay there and hopefully find her way to some maturity or do I take legal action to have her returned?  It appears as though she is not being physically abused, but is being verbally and emotionally abused.  Her dad has alienated her from her life long support system not to mention her little brother.  He does not appear to of changed much from how I remember him over the years.  Any advice or point of view would be really helpful.  My support system is zero right now because they overstepped their bounds and went against my decision when they put her on that plane.  My daughter is not 18 yet.

 

 
April 13, 2008, 9:20 pm CDT

just can't seem to stop!

I am always yelling at my 2 children and I would really like to stop, I just don't know how.I am very frustrated with so many different aspects of our lives and I am working on improving our situation but, in the meantime my yelling is pushing my 12 year old away from me and making my 2 year old very agressive and defiant.Unfortunately for me, I don't have a real support system so, everything is always on me.I'm 32 years old and I feel so worn out.There are days when I just want to cry but, I think that once I start crying I won't be able to stop.I hardly ever have time for myself and any extra money (after paying bills) is always spent on the children, so I don't get to do anything nice for myself.There is no such thing as a social life for me.I've been single now for 2 years.All of these things coupled with so many others have me totally stressed and frustrated.
 
April 13, 2008, 9:35 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: jaimie1974

The best thing you can do for your children is to leave this relationship. If he makes life hard then youve got to fight back with everything that you can. You dont have to stay in this relationship any longer, your happiness and your health is more valuable then this relationship. You KNOW that he is a negative influence on your children, not a positive one. It is understandable that even though he is a negative influence, the kids have gotten used to him; but they will get adjusted just fine to life without the chaos that Joe creates in your home. You cant predict what your kids will think in the future, the only thing you have any control over is your own actions right now; and right now, youve got to listen to your instincts. To be the best woman and mother you can be, you have to cut ties with this toxic man and move forward. Otherwise, your children are bound to grow up, seek out mates, and repeat this toxic pattern for themselves- you dont want that to happen. I know that you want them to have happy, healthy lives. For them to live happy, healthy lives, they must have a happy, healthy mother. That is the best gift you can ever give to them. I wish you the best.
I believe that staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children is a huge mistake. They are not getting anything good from his presence. Trust me, the separation issues will be easier to deal with than the long term damage that this relationship will cause them. You obviously love your children very much, so why subject them to a man that YOU don't love and who clearly does not love you. Do your family a favor and lose the boyfriend. Besides, the longer you hold on to this relationship, there's no way for the right man to come into your life. You have to get rid of the bad before the good can come in.
 
April 14, 2008, 9:11 am CDT

Support

Quote From: bklynmom

I am always yelling at my 2 children and I would really like to stop, I just don't know how.I am very frustrated with so many different aspects of our lives and I am working on improving our situation but, in the meantime my yelling is pushing my 12 year old away from me and making my 2 year old very agressive and defiant.Unfortunately for me, I don't have a real support system so, everything is always on me.I'm 32 years old and I feel so worn out.There are days when I just want to cry but, I think that once I start crying I won't be able to stop.I hardly ever have time for myself and any extra money (after paying bills) is always spent on the children, so I don't get to do anything nice for myself.There is no such thing as a social life for me.I've been single now for 2 years.All of these things coupled with so many others have me totally stressed and frustrated.
Being a single parent myself, of two, its normal to feel that everything falls on you because it does.  You are the foundation of your family and if you cant hold it together for your children then who will?  One thing I have learned to do is take time for myself.  At work during lunch I will take a nice walk because fresh air does wonders.  Take the kids to a park so they too can get out and exert some energy.  The more you yell the more frustration you bring into your home.  Learn to give yourself "time outs" if you are disciplining your kids out of anger.  Never discipline out of anger because you send your kids the wrong message.  I too am limited financially however there are many activities you can do as a family to relieve the stress.  You alone will have to make a conscience effort to make the change in yourself. 
 
April 16, 2008, 3:14 pm CDT

Sons and Single mothers

 Hi,

I raised my twins as a single mother.  A boy and a girl.  They are 22 now, and different as night and day.  My daughter has a good full time job, owns her car, and is buying and condo, oh and she is finishing up her AA degree at the local community college.  As proud I am of her is how sad I am about her twin brother.  He quit school within spitting distance of senior graduation despite my efforts, and he talks a lot about getting a GED but so far it is just talk.  He has lived hand to mouth by his own choice, and he is headed down a long hard road that I tried my best to have him avoid.  At present I cannot communicate with him because he is always angry and resentful of everyone and everything.  I blame his inability to function in this world on myself.  I did not have a man in my life that he could look up to and model himself after.  Instead he began to emmulate his "criminal" father.  Now he acts and talks like his father and I am terrified for him.  He deserves better than that and I cannot reach him.  Single moms need to have a good male role model in their sons' lives.  Being a good mom is not good enough for men in the making.  I truly believe that this is why we have so many young men going in and out of prison and making babies that they have no intention of supporting.  I hope other moms with little boys realize how vital it is to get your son with a good man, grandpa or big brothers, or maybe an uncle or pastor.  They are men in the making and they don't bake right when momma is the only one raising them.

 
April 21, 2008, 7:38 am CDT

excellent book

Quote From: hope4us

 Hi,

I raised my twins as a single mother.  A boy and a girl.  They are 22 now, and different as night and day.  My daughter has a good full time job, owns her car, and is buying and condo, oh and she is finishing up her AA degree at the local community college.  As proud I am of her is how sad I am about her twin brother.  He quit school within spitting distance of senior graduation despite my efforts, and he talks a lot about getting a GED but so far it is just talk.  He has lived hand to mouth by his own choice, and he is headed down a long hard road that I tried my best to have him avoid.  At present I cannot communicate with him because he is always angry and resentful of everyone and everything.  I blame his inability to function in this world on myself.  I did not have a man in my life that he could look up to and model himself after.  Instead he began to emmulate his "criminal" father.  Now he acts and talks like his father and I am terrified for him.  He deserves better than that and I cannot reach him.  Single moms need to have a good male role model in their sons' lives.  Being a good mom is not good enough for men in the making.  I truly believe that this is why we have so many young men going in and out of prison and making babies that they have no intention of supporting.  I hope other moms with little boys realize how vital it is to get your son with a good man, grandpa or big brothers, or maybe an uncle or pastor.  They are men in the making and they don't bake right when momma is the only one raising them.

There is an excellent book called raising boy's without men. It is a long term study done on single female parent homes, and lesbian parents that proves that men do not always need a male rolemodel to succeed in life. I am a single mother of a boy, and so far i am lucky enough to have positive male influences around him. But don't be discouraged. I encourage single mothers raising boys to read this book.
 
April 21, 2008, 7:49 am CDT

I understand

Quote From: bklynmom

I am always yelling at my 2 children and I would really like to stop, I just don't know how.I am very frustrated with so many different aspects of our lives and I am working on improving our situation but, in the meantime my yelling is pushing my 12 year old away from me and making my 2 year old very agressive and defiant.Unfortunately for me, I don't have a real support system so, everything is always on me.I'm 32 years old and I feel so worn out.There are days when I just want to cry but, I think that once I start crying I won't be able to stop.I hardly ever have time for myself and any extra money (after paying bills) is always spent on the children, so I don't get to do anything nice for myself.There is no such thing as a social life for me.I've been single now for 2 years.All of these things coupled with so many others have me totally stressed and frustrated.
 i completely understand your situation. I have been a single parent since i was 6 months pregnant. My son is now 2 1/2 years old. It is very difficult to get ahead. No matter how hard you try, there is always something that comes up whether it be a sickness, an unexpected bill payment. And I understand what you mean when all your money is spent on your kids. I buy some mascara and i feel guilty that i have spent the money. Being a single parent is VERY stressful. Everything is dependant on you. You have to be the disciplinarian and the friend. I have no social life, and havent had one since my son was born. I'm lucky if i can find a sitter. I too have been single for almost 3 years because there is no money for me to go out and meet people. Can't join a club, because of a)finances, and b)lack of sitters. Can't  go out to a bar, or a movie or etc etc becuase of finances and babysitting. So i completely feel the stress you are in. However, i have also dealt with the anger issue as well. My anger was soooo bad that i went to my family physician for it. For me it was a combonation of a couple issues. I was dealing with post partum, some depression because of my situation and my hormone leves were completly out of wack. With some blood work and some meds, I no longer scream like a mad women. Perhaps something like my situation is going on with you. Dont fret though. I try to keep positive. I just tell myself that perhaps at this moment i am just meant to be at home and be a mom. I am 27 years old, im not bound to be single for the rest of my life.
 
May 3, 2008, 5:41 pm CDT

What do you do????

 What do you do when your 14 year old tells/lets slip stuff about her friends.  For example: she has one friend who is depressed, thinks about suicide, has supposedly tried it once by trying to cut his neck.  And another friend whose stepfather gets drunk and hits her.  I don't know the last name on either kid, she hangs out with them during the school day only.  So what do you do????  sit back and hope that its typical teenage angst/bragging/lying etc.  Does anyone understand what I mean?????????  Everyone knows that teenagers turn everything into drama and everything is the end of the world but what if its all true and I sit back and say nothing???
 
May 20, 2008, 7:43 pm CDT

bi -polor teen

My issue with my 14 yr old son has been a constant battle  all his life it seems, no matter what aproach I take nothing works. I have called the police on him several times, once he was baker acted into the mental health hospital because I just didnt know how to control his rage. He is on Meds for ADHD and Bi-Polor, but lately it does not seem to be working. He has been off the chain . We had a big explosion when he got mad that I was talking about him to someone . He picked up the lamp and smashed to the floor. The next night he exploded because I refused to allow him to be left alone in our home with his gf. He is taking this relationship way to serious and he think I have no clue how he feels. and he feels I dont trust him... I have tried to explain , this is not just about trust. His father , who is a truck driver , happened to have been an hour away and pulled in to give him a lecture..Im not sure how much we have gotten through to him, But Im just running out of energy and options... I can never give up on him, even if he grows up to hate me, I cant stop trying to help him find peace inside his head..Our therapist says I am too involved in his personal life.... at what point should I not be ??? At times, I think he is just laughing at me even though my son has some serious issues .... he has been the best doctor so far in the 14 yrs of going to doctors.......im just trying to reach out to any help I can get......
 
May 21, 2008, 2:53 pm CDT

I tried Dr Phils advice and it worked

 

  I was always having trouble getting my seven year old daughter to help around the house.  I am a single parent and can't do it all by myself.  I felt she needed to start doing chores like empting the dishwasher, cleaning her bathroom and taking out the trash.  It was always a hassle.  So, one day I said  I wanted her to come empty the dishwasher, and she threw a big fit saying she just wanted to watch T.V.  So, at my wits end, I said 'that's fine I will do the dishes'.  So, I put up the dishes and afterwards I went into her room and removed everything including the posters on her walls and the clothes in her closet.  I said, "now, if you want anything back, you will earn it back".  I took all her stuff and put it right inside my bedroom so when she would walk to her room or to the bathroom it was right there.  Not in the garage, because out of sight is out of mind.  I wanted her to see everyday what she had lost.  Well, not only did she work to get it back, she seemed to enjoy working for it.  She would come and ask, "if I take out the trash may I earn one thing back".  The good thing about this disipline is, her stuff could leave again anytime she thinks   she doesn't need to help .   Now she knows I mean business.   Thank you Dr. Phil

 
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