Topic : Step-Parenting

 Stick to your guns. They may make you feel like a stingy, horrible, person, but that's because they are spoiled. If you are the only one with good credit you need to protect it. Our kids actually thanked us later for not giving them downpayments and co-signing. When they were grown, living in their own house, driving their own cars and watching former friends still living with daddy and begging crumbs, they decided that making them stand on their own was more of a gift to them than the money was. It takes awhile but that's really what parenting is about. They know that if they are REALLY in need we will be there.

 What can I do ?? My now 20 yr old SD wants to move to the same city we live in after all these years and get her own apartment . The problem is we have spent thousands of $$$ on her to go to 2 differant schools that she dropped out of now we have her school loans to pay for .I feel if she moves here she will cause alot of DRAMA and not pay her bills.I cant take it anymore she needs to grow up get a real job and pay her own bills.For 11yrs it has been poor me, poor me ,money ,money ,money.When will it end !!! NEED HELP !!!!????

First you have to acknowledge the fact that you and your spouse taught her to be this way. You DO own a responsibility here. The first time she dropped out of school was a "shame on her" the second time was a "shame on YOU."  She has learned that she does not have to be responsible for her maintenance and upkeep, that you will take care of her.
As an adult she is free to move where ever she wants, and it looks like she wants to be near you. I would first have a heart to heart with your spouse. You do your SD no favors by arresting her adult developement this way. What would happen to her if you both died in a car wreck or something and she had to pay off the debts? After discussing your position with your spouse, and coming to a joint plan of action about how to handle future hand-outs, I would discuss things with the stepdaughter. As in my above response, she may think you're horrible and tight-fisted, but sick to your guns. In the long run you, and she, will be much happier knowing she is able to take care of herself.

but I don't think you can make her not move close to you but you can control giving her any financial help.  Sounds like she need to be cut off completely financially.  See my post below as to my feeling about dealing with adult step children.  But you and your husband should come to a clear agreement about the no more financial support issue.

I have two step chrildren who are all around good kids, I have two kids who are also good kids... The problem is the ex-wife, she is so intent on making our life a living hell and that she seems to thrive on it... We have decided to not listen to her, to turn her off.  So when she calls to yell at us for something we hang up. Then she leaves these horrible messages about me and my kids... I say that, this weekend was the first she brought my kids in this, normally it is just about me. 

  

For one thing she refueses to meet me, she won't do it... and for another she has never met my boys, and does not know one thing about any of us.  She has gone to the extint of going over to his mothers house ( She is 67) and yell at her in the front yard in front of her neighbors telling them that I am a horrible person and because of me, she can not watch them anymore...  

  

I do not feel I am a bad person. I have done nothing wrong to this women... I try to respect her, but I feel that when her kids are in my house they will obey my rules... And I am not strick I do not spank her kids I normally don't say anything to them I let him do that.. .But this weekend he had to work and so I watched them during the day, well the kids started fighting and her daughter hit my son with an object and it was all because he wanted to play with the toys... She does not want to share... I just talked to her quitly and sat her in time out.  I do not raise my voice to them,,, they are not my kids to do so... I just treat them like they would be treated at a daycare.... because I know that if I did go further then she would have had a fit...  

  

This women is getting to the point of harrement, she threatend that if he did not " Handle me" then she would, she said this many of times.... 

I have never been in this situation before what should I do... Not only to protect my self but my babies as well...  

Well my 21 yo SD just got a full time job she starts next monday she was waitressing about 20 hours a week and we told that she had to have a full time job or she needed to go live with her mother.  She was pretty excited about the job (daycare center she wants to work with kids) that is until she called her mother.  Her mother said "you are an adult and they can't make you get a full time job, you should just keep working part time at Friendly's and have fun"  My husband almost called her to say like what are you doing but he talked to the daughter and explained that she is an adult and is expected to be working full time to live with us and that maybe she needs to re-think things and live with her mother if she wants to work part time and party.  We have been together 10 years it amazes me that the ex still wants to play the kids against my husband.  I thought it would end when they became adults but I don't think it ever ends.

 You don't give any past details, but the ex-wife sounds insecure and jealous to me. Why, I don't know, but I would hazard a guess that she feels that if she doesn't make waves and try to reduce you to her level, her kids will choose you over her. This is ridiculous of course, but sometimes people don't stop to consider why they do the things they do. The only way to get to the bottom of this is to call a meeting between her, you and your husband. Insist that she meet you because you are tired of being treated this way and if it continues  you will report her to the police on harassment charges. Let her know that you are interested in an adult relationship with her, even if it can't ever be friends it might as well be civil for the sake of the kids. There has got to be some communication here, and your husband will probably have to be the one to convince her that she needs to comply.

I'm with you, the ex is definitely not thinking about her daughter, only ways of getting to you and your husband. Sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders though, probably thanks to responsible parenting on your part.

I would make a police report. Everytime she makes a threat like that. And try to get a recording. And don't ever go alone to her house to get the kids. She remember your boundaries it sounds like some jealousy maybe around. I don't know if you have read my story but, I have had a very hard wake up call or learning experience. Well I hope that things get better. Make sure you keep a journal of these things. And everytime you encounter any problem with her and or the kids. It will help you if needed. Please take my advice on the journal if you do anything at all...Carlinda

My Ex husband has not been a part of my daughters life for the last 6 years. He will say it's my fault because I found out he was on drugs I gave him a given time to take care of his issues and we would work on our marriage. He didn't want to do that so.. I moved on with my life. I tried staying in my home state with him having visitation with my daughter every other weekend. HOWEVER, I went to pick her up one day and found drugs close to the floor with her crawling around. She didn't ever go back. He was threating to do a lot of terrible things. I moved out of the state. I moved way out of the state, 1200 miles away actually. Well, That was 6 years ago, now he has married again, has two more kids, My daughter has not seen him but a couple times since the move. NOT because I kept her from him, but because he was court ordered to go to rehab and show the court proof that he did this. He never did this though. My daughter has went back at least 3 times to his parents house where he could of went and seen her if he wanted to supervised, But since he met his new wife she said she will NOT be supervised by anyone's parents to see "THEIR DAUGHTER" Me and her got off on a bad foot first off because the first time we ever spoke she said how She is going to change some things about my daughters life style. When I asked her what in the world she was speaking about she said, Well I am her mom now too, and I don't believe everything should be like they are for her. Of course I went off on her. This woman had NEVER Even met my daughter at that time. Well, because I would not play her game of letting her try to control my life she has never liked me. Now that I am remarried and have another child and another on the way..Things have got worse.  My daughter asked if she could call my new husband Daddy? I told her to call her what she is comfrontable with, but she doesn't have to call him daddy if she doesn't want to. She does out of her own free will. My husband now is so good with her, he loves her like she was his own, he has raised her since she was 3 and they are very close. When my ex had his child support reduced claiming that he is a stay at home dad now for his 2 new children with his new wife and they could not afford to pay, My new husband said, I don't want his damn money, she is my daughter anyway now.  Well, I get harrassing phone calls from my ex's new wife saying that they are going to try and take my daughter, She has called Child support recovery making accusations.. which.. Is so dumb, She is 1200 miles away so she knows NOTHING about my life or my daughters life with us. My daughter has not been allowed to call her bio dad because his new wife gets on the phone and tells my daughter what they will be talking about, and that she will call her mom. My daughter does not know this woman, she has met her twice and doesn't want to call her mom.. I told her to do what she wants. " I am not going to call her mom" she said. Here is my problem.. there is so much more that has happened and that this woman has done, I would love to have someone to talk about to all this that is a step mom and to maybe give me some direction. My husband said he would adopt my daughter but My thing is, this man has abandoned my daughter, He doesn't do anything for her mentally, physically or emotionally and For me to let him sign his rights away and get away with the finacial part of helping her in life just really doesn't sit well with me.  I don't know what it is that really makes me so mad about just the thought but... Something doesn't seem fair or right to me with doing that. My daughter hasn't asked him to adopt her which I know she would love it but I think it should come from her too on her own first. He isn't paying childsupport on a regular schedule anyway... so.. I just feel like I'm not letting him off this so easy. I try to get my daughter to talk about how she feels about her bio father and she blames the step mom. I don't blame the step mom really.. He is a grown man, He can stand up for himself and his daughter if he wanted to.  Any advice???  

   

Kayla