Topic : Step-Parenting

Actually when his Dad and i got married we had a great relationship but the past two years have been rough. She told him it makes her sad if he talks about me and he is very worried when it comes to her being happy or upset about anything. He loves his stepdad and has a great realtionship with him , because my husband has always made sure he showed his stepdad respect and etc. I came into the picture almost 5 years after their divorce.

I have a 11 year old step daughter who lives with my husband and I half of the time.  She told her dad last night that she thinks that I don't want her around.  The last couple of days she has just been hiding in her room.  I really don't know what to do.  We used to have a really close relationship before my husband and I had Children together.  We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.  My step-daughter is a great big sister and loves her little sisters and is a really big help.  I have been struggling with some post-partum depression issues and have been a little on edge, but I didn't realize that I was making her feel that way.  Since I have had children of my own I really don't know how to relate to my step daughter anymore.  I try to treat her like she is my own child, but I think instead of coming across firm I come across as mean sometimes.  Her dad really rarely disciplines her and I get really frustrated sometimes.  She is entering that pre-teen stage and can be very disrespectful sometimes.  I want to go up and talk to her, but I really don't know what to say to her.  Her mom used to not be very involved in her life (this was when we had a close relationship), but now they are very close and I really don't know where my place is.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Hi,  

  

My husband and I have been married 7.5 years and it has been a good marriage. We moved out of state in January of this year and my 14 year old stepson suddenly decided he wanted to live with us. The problem is, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in on 3.30.06 and I started Interferon drugs (which are very power injections, taken every other day for life) and they are making me sick. I also suffer from migraines and extreme fatigue.  

  

The problem is, I honestly do not feel I can care for my stepson. My husband works in another town, will be flying out of town, and he LOVES it here because from his POV he has no supervision (Dad says, he doesn't need it) and I say he does. My stepson does not do squat around the house although "plans were put into place" to have him to do. They just don't get done, and no "consequences" are applied. Daddy says I'm "hung up" on consequences but uhhhh, why have the rules in the first place if you are not going to follow thru them? 

  

But the bottom line is this:  He really needs to live with his mother and stepfather in the other state because they are not sick. He hated his stepfather because he stepfather DID apply consequences. But he also had him in boy scouts, church, took him to band practice, etc. and was very involved.  

  

Me?  Not involved. Too sick. I am battling depression, anger issues, cognitive difficulties, etc. and yes it is all part of the MS battle I am having. 

  

Dad says NO to him returning. "How do I tell him?"  Uhhh, you tell him that I am sicker than you expected, it came on the heels of his move and this is the wrong time for him to live with us.  

  

Perhaps at a later date I could deal with it? 

  

My husband is NOT flexible on this issue. But oh great, he's leaving me with him Mon - Fri while he works....and my stepson runs around doing God knows what. (which does not bother my husband for some reason....) 

  

Suggestions?   

  

  

  

  

 Hi  Just need to vent a little alot is going on   I will give a run down of my life: been married a yr, I have a son and husband has 4 girls, 2 live with us.  Well the kids were gone for 2 weeks, son to dad's and girls to mothers.  Well the girls came back with head lice again.  I can't stand that at all.  I never had to deal with headlice until I became a part of this family.  She doesn't take care of the girls.  My son came home from his dad's, all Sunday.  Well my husband went through the girls heads and it wasn't bad this time but still it was there.  Then he leaves to be gone for 2days, he is a truck driver.  The girls hate me big time now that they are back from their mothers.  They told me they don't want to live here because there are rules to follow. Their mother lets them do whatever they want, including roaming the streets. And they don't live in a good neighborhood at all.  They give me a hard time a refuse to listen to me and follow rules.  I am thankful my son came home in a good mood because usually I have my hands full with him after being to his dads.  My husband even called and talked to the girls and it made no difference.  He is ready to either send them to their mothers to live or his parents.  If she gets the girls, she will move farther away from us, want child support of course, and get more money from the state and that is the only reason she wants the girls, she told my husband that  to his face.  She tries to make him believe too that the girls want to live there, well only after she brainwashes them.  I am so stressed out, I have turned to taking my nerve pills, that I hate taking but I have to to make it.  And that is horrible.  The whole thing is tearing my husband and I apart.  The onyl thing we fight about are the kids and sometimes money.  I don't know what to do      thanks for letting me vent   

 Hi  Just need to vent a little alot is going on   I will give a run down of my life: been married a yr, I have a son and husband has 4 girls, 2 live with us.  Well the kids were gone for 2 weeks, son to dad's and girls to mothers.  Well the girls came back with head lice again.  I can't stand that at all.  I never had to deal with headlice until I became a part of this family.  She doesn't take care of the girls.  My son came home from his dad's, all Sunday.  Well my husband went through the girls heads and it wasn't bad this time but still it was there.  Then he leaves to be gone for 2days, he is a truck driver.  The girls hate me big time now that they are back from their mothers.  They told me they don't want to live here because there are rules to follow. Their mother lets them do whatever they want, including roaming the streets. And they don't live in a good neighborhood at all.  They give me a hard time a refuse to listen to me and follow rules.  I am thankful my son came home in a good mood because usually I have my hands full with him after being to his dads.  My husband even called and talked to the girls and it made no difference.  He is ready to either send them to their mothers to live or his parents.  If she gets the girls, she will move farther away from us, want child support of course, and get more money from the state and that is the only reason she wants the girls, she told my husband that  to his face.  She tries to make him believe too that the girls want to live there, well only after she brainwashes them.  I am so stressed out, I have turned to taking my nerve pills, that I hate taking but I have to to make it.  And that is horrible.  The whole thing is tearing my husband and I apart.  The onyl thing we fight about are the kids and sometimes money.  I don't know what to do      thanks for letting me vent   

Dear I feel for you I really do. I feel you all need to go an talk to some one. if your husband says no to talking to someone you  go and take your son to. I feel if the whole family doesn't get help you don't stand a chance .As far as the lice the mothers house must have Lice.Tell she gets it out of her home they will come back with it every time. Call me a B but if they came back again with it i would shave there heads.I never had Lice and there is no way I would put up with that. Maybe SRS should take a look at there mothers home....

I will tell you this about being a stepmother they never want to listen they say hurtful things like you not my mother I don't have to do what you say. The bad part with your family is that your husband is gone and not there to put his foot down.I know Dr.Phil says the stepmother or father should tell the step kids what to do but has never said what do you do when the  mother or father is  out of town or at work. Sending the kids away to his mother and father or back to there Mother what is that telling them? it's telling them no one cares that there not worth having around and that he loves you and your son more.I know you may not believe this but those kids are hurting and they need help.They want the rules they just don't know it yet. but what they want more then that is someone that loves them and it sounds like they have never had a loving home .Lady put you foot down treat those kids like there your kids make then mind. The one thing you have to do is when they do what there told weather there mad when they do it or not is to say  thank you ,you did a good job or you have been real good today thank you for being good or nice. ONE THING YOU NEVER DO IS HIT THEM  hitting isn't right.you didn't say how old they were. you and your husband need to have rules in your home.Sounds like the kids have never had a home where they had rules yes my step son doesn't work and yes his mother is bad. but when that kid came into our home he was apart of our family and he  was made to obeyed by the house rule.Pills are not the way to go dear if you need to be drugged to put up with his kids get out of there before it hurts you and your son.Being a stepmother is the hardest job you will ever have I have been one for 25 yrs.Please Please get some help.come back to the site and talk vent were all in this together.I don't have one friend thats a stepmother and they don't understand what it takes to be one. All I know is our 3 kids were all treated the same they did things around the house if they didn't do them they got in trouble just like they were my kids.Stay Strong Dear were all here for you.

Your post reminds me of my neice whom I vented about in a previous post. She has kids who are ages 8,7 and 5. Her kids have had lice for YEARS! They have got sent home from school nemerous times due to head lice. My neice would treat their hair and then let her kids wash thier own hair out, but she would never use the comb to comb out the nits and bugs. WHY? (read my above post), because she is too dang LAZY! and all she cares about is herself. She has it too and has had it for years as well. It is one thing to catch it and get rid of it , but to continually KEEP it, is nasty! Her kids get picked on at school because of their mothers laziness in not getting it out. I would get your attorney to write the mother of the girls a letter concerning this. It is considered child neglect for them to keep it. I would also check their heads at the mothers home, before they come to your home, and if they still have it, leave them at their mothers home. Document each time they have it and why you couldnt get them for your weekend visitation. The lice is interferring with your weekend visits. Give your attorney your documents and let him handle it, even if you have to take her to court for this. There is no excuse for a child to have to keep lice for a long period of time due to the mothers neglect. Treating lice can become very expensive if they are not doing everything that needs to be done at their home. You have to pick their hair, and comb it, and repeat it again and again, wash everything, dry everything, spray carpets, cars, pillows, furniture, and if you a have an indoor pet, you have to treat the pet. Make a list at to how much this lice they have is costing you each time and sue her in court for the expenses. (this is only if they have it continuously each time they see you). I know kids can get it at school or else where, and you can get rid of it, but everything needs to be done in order to get rid of it. If the mother isnt treating her home , they are going to keep comming back with it.

 

My situation was in reverse with this. My x-husband would get my daughter for weekend visits and she kept comming home from his house with head lice. He had other kids at his home who had it. I had enough of having to keep buying the treatments and doing my own home, so I had my attorney write him a letter concerning this, I refused him visitation until he got it completely out of his home, and he was ordred to pay me back for the expenses I forked out because of this. That was years ago, when she was 6 y/o, now she is fixing to be 17.

 

I wont let my younger children ages 5 and 6 be around my neices children due to the fact, they still have lice and have had it for years. It is a shame they cant play with their own relatives, but who wants lice? It is one thing to go to school or be around other people that you dont know if they have it,  but to go around someone who you KNOW has it, you are only setting yourself up to get it for sure.

 

As far as the children not minding you, I would not get them unless your husband is going to be at home with them too, so he can make them mind you. I, too have a step son and I will not be around him unless my husband is at home as well. My step sons mother is VERY VINDICTIVE and I will not set my self up for his mom to make false accusations against me. ( she has done this before, in saying I was mistreating her son, which I wasnt). His son did not like our rules either so I made him sit in time out, (1 minute per age) and he went back and told his mom I was mean to him. His son has the same rules as our kids. Stay strong and take control of the situation. Dont let the situation control you. (but I would really do something about that lice). My neice is hiding from social services now, because they are fixing to take her kids for neglect. The school has called them over and over concerning this. It is just a matter of time. Every school her children have been to, they have called them. Imagine how the kids feel having this in their hair. It is the mothers fault, not the kids fault. Its called pure laziness on the mothers part.

The fact that the kids come home with head lice over and over is just discusting. I agree with the other poster who recommended that you have a lawyer send a letter to the mother saying the kids will NOT go there until she and her home are free of lice. PERIOD. It is worth the expense to pay a lawyer as opposed to dealing with this lice over and over- it gets very expensive. Not to mention the emotional turmoil that it puts the kids through to go there and not be taken care of. It sounds like there are many issues that you need to report to a lawyer, and I urge you and your husband to do that ASAP. Those kids don't treat you with the respect you deserve right now, but they deserve to be taken care of and they need you to guide them and nurture them even when they say they 'hate' you. I know it gets you down, of course it does- but you have to be strong. You signed up for this, remember? You can do this. Stop allowing the mother to do this to her kids, someone has to step up and be the hero that Dr. Phil talks about. I wish you the best!