Topic : Step-Parenting

I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago.  There is a 15 year age difference between him and I.   I share custody of my 16 year old son with my ex, and I cant help but get the feeling that my b/f is jealous of the relationship I have with my son.   My son does his own laundry, cooks, and with a little pushing will clean up after himself as well.  I went from seeing him everyday while his father and I were together to now only seeing him half as much. (Two weeks with me, two with his dad) 

My son was always involved in basketball, and I really enjoyed the 3 nights a week of practices and weekend games etc... that it involved.  I was very active in fundraising etc... for their team and loved the interaction with the other parents as well.  Due to an injury, and surgery, my son was unable to continue with basketball and no longer plays.   (He hasnt played since I have been involved with my new hubby)  Any time that my son and I talk about his basketball days, my boyfriend generally has comments about how wrong it was for me to have spent so much time and money catering to my son.  He thinks that kids are to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it and that kids are not to be catered to at all.  He thinks that because we were so involved that he was a spoiled rotten "only child".  He has 3 older children from a previous marriage who have told me that living with him when they were younger was very difficult. 

Last year my son had gone through a stage where he was testing his limits , (missed curfews, smoking, a couple of missed classes) but never anything serious.  Even though my son has done really well in the last year, and hasnt gotten into any trouble, my b/f always brings up the mistakes that he made.  My son has never talked back to my boyfriend, or me in a disrespectful way.  My son and I have had a couple of arguments over what he can and cannot do, and we have both said some things that we have regretted, but all in all, my son and I are really close. 

We have two completely different ideas about discipline and communication.  I believe that by asking my son nicely to turn a light off that he forgot to turn off, he is more likely to do it without  us getting frustrated with each other.  My boyfriends idea is to allow my son to leave the room, wait until he is either busy doing something else, or sleeping and then tell him to get his ass up and turn the light off.  I know that my son is not the only teenager out there who leaves lights on, forgets to hang a towel up, forgets to rinse a dish out etc.... and I really dont think screaming and hollering about every small thing is the answer.   

The last straw came last week when my son forgot to turn the light off in his room, he had been sick for the previous two days, and this time instead of asking him to do it himself, which is what I usually do, I did it for him.  That is when my b/f started screaming that I was spoiling him rotten, (in front of my son and this wasnt the first time) that I might as well spoon feed him.  He then brought up the fact that I was too affectionate with my son, and that it wasnt healthy.  What he was referring to is a month before, my son had come home after playing football, and said that his back was really sore, he asked if I would rub it for a minute in hopes that it would make it feel better.  I did it, which I really dont think there is anything wrong with.... I'm lucky that I have a teenage son who will let me get within 10 feet of him.   At least once a month I make it a point to hug him, and I dont go a day without at least telling him once that I love him.  Sometimes, my b/f makes me think that I am crazy for trying to keep my relationship with my son a close one.   He has also made remarks in front of my son and his own 3 kids, about him (my son) being a sponge (when he was 15, and not yet allowed to get a job), spoiled, catered to, and just like his father.  I am really ready to throw in the towel as I dont want my son to start believing that he is a bad person.   

The other issue is with the way that his kids and grandkids act when they visit our home.   The basically do what they want, when they want.  When I ask why they can come into the house and do what they want but if my son leaves a light on a war breaks out, he says that when his kids were his age, they had to tow the line.  He says that he cant control how they act etc... now that they are grown and on their own.  He says that if I have a problem with how they act, I am to confront them when they are doing it.  I love each and every one of his kids, and I generally dont mind when they come around.  I just dont like when my son gets singled out as the only one to do things wrong.   

I have told him time and time again that I wouldnt be so touchy about him criticizing things that he does wrong if only he could once in a while also give him some positive feedback about something he may have done right.  He never has! 

I really love him, and he can be a very nice, funny romantic guy.  I just dont know if I can continue walking on eggshells when my son is around, scared that if he does something wrong, he will again be belittled.  I would love to hear feedback, good and bad from anyone....   

Am I crazy?  Am I being too overprotective?  Is he jealous?   

I have been with my husband for almost 8 years now (married 4).  My husband got custody of my stepdaughter (11) 5 years ago.  We get along well but things seem to change when daddy is around.  We have been through alot with her.  We have been to a couple counseling sessions in the past and my husband blames me for not allowing him to have a relationship with her by spending time alone together.  He has never asked until a year ago and since then has never fufilled it.  I take care of her and do more than he does as a parent.  We always argue about her as he thinks im on her 24/7 but he isn't around but part time due to work to see how we really are.  Im at the point now to get the camcorder out so maybe instead he could be THANKFUL for what I do.  We got into it this week and to make a long story short weren't talking and he came home last night to tell me he was going to meet his family and go to Disneyland for the weekend.  Again, taking her while were in a fight.  Is it just me or is this so disrespectful to me?  If he wants to spend time with her it needs to not be when were fighting cause I feel its a slap in my face.  HELP!! Anyone have advice what to think or say?  

I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago.  There is a 15 year age difference between him and I.   I share custody of my 16 year old son with my ex, and I cant help but get the feeling that my b/f is jealous of the relationship I have with my son.   My son does his own laundry, cooks, and with a little pushing will clean up after himself as well.  I went from seeing him everyday while his father and I were together to now only seeing him half as much. (Two weeks with me, two with his dad) 

My son was always involved in basketball, and I really enjoyed the 3 nights a week of practices and weekend games etc... that it involved.  I was very active in fundraising etc... for their team and loved the interaction with the other parents as well.  Due to an injury, and surgery, my son was unable to continue with basketball and no longer plays.   (He hasnt played since I have been involved with my new hubby)  Any time that my son and I talk about his basketball days, my boyfriend generally has comments about how wrong it was for me to have spent so much time and money catering to my son.  He thinks that kids are to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it and that kids are not to be catered to at all.  He thinks that because we were so involved that he was a spoiled rotten "only child".  He has 3 older children from a previous marriage who have told me that living with him when they were younger was very difficult. 

Last year my son had gone through a stage where he was testing his limits , (missed curfews, smoking, a couple of missed classes) but never anything serious.  Even though my son has done really well in the last year, and hasnt gotten into any trouble, my b/f always brings up the mistakes that he made.  My son has never talked back to my boyfriend, or me in a disrespectful way.  My son and I have had a couple of arguments over what he can and cannot do, and we have both said some things that we have regretted, but all in all, my son and I are really close. 

We have two completely different ideas about discipline and communication.  I believe that by asking my son nicely to turn a light off that he forgot to turn off, he is more likely to do it without  us getting frustrated with each other.  My boyfriends idea is to allow my son to leave the room, wait until he is either busy doing something else, or sleeping and then tell him to get his ass up and turn the light off.  I know that my son is not the only teenager out there who leaves lights on, forgets to hang a towel up, forgets to rinse a dish out etc.... and I really dont think screaming and hollering about every small thing is the answer.   

The last straw came last week when my son forgot to turn the light off in his room, he had been sick for the previous two days, and this time instead of asking him to do it himself, which is what I usually do, I did it for him.  That is when my b/f started screaming that I was spoiling him rotten, (in front of my son and this wasnt the first time) that I might as well spoon feed him.  He then brought up the fact that I was too affectionate with my son, and that it wasnt healthy.  What he was referring to is a month before, my son had come home after playing football, and said that his back was really sore, he asked if I would rub it for a minute in hopes that it would make it feel better.  I did it, which I really dont think there is anything wrong with.... I'm lucky that I have a teenage son who will let me get within 10 feet of him.   At least once a month I make it a point to hug him, and I dont go a day without at least telling him once that I love him.  Sometimes, my b/f makes me think that I am crazy for trying to keep my relationship with my son a close one.   He has also made remarks in front of my son and his own 3 kids, about him (my son) being a sponge (when he was 15, and not yet allowed to get a job), spoiled, catered to, and just like his father.  I am really ready to throw in the towel as I dont want my son to start believing that he is a bad person.   

The other issue is with the way that his kids and grandkids act when they visit our home.   The basically do what they want, when they want.  When I ask why they can come into the house and do what they want but if my son leaves a light on a war breaks out, he says that when his kids were his age, they had to tow the line.  He says that he cant control how they act etc... now that they are grown and on their own.  He says that if I have a problem with how they act, I am to confront them when they are doing it.  I love each and every one of his kids, and I generally dont mind when they come around.  I just dont like when my son gets singled out as the only one to do things wrong.   

I have told him time and time again that I wouldnt be so touchy about him criticizing things that he does wrong if only he could once in a while also give him some positive feedback about something he may have done right.  He never has! 

I really love him, and he can be a very nice, funny romantic guy.  I just dont know if I can continue walking on eggshells when my son is around, scared that if he does something wrong, he will again be belittled.  I would love to hear feedback, good and bad from anyone....   

Am I crazy?  Am I being too overprotective?  Is he jealous?   

Oh my sweetie.  Honestly, wow.  This type of thinking will never change!  You can see that he has done it with his older children and he is going to do it with your son.  Don't let him.  He will help to create a coldhearted person or someone that is going to despise him and/or you.  Luckily you are not married. I say run.  Run as fast as you can.  Right now you are just dating, it gets 10 times worse once you are married.  Do you really want to put your son through that? 

And once you get married, its not going to be just your son, it'll turn into him treating you horribly.  Screaming at you is already a big big BIG no no.  Its abuse.  I've seen it with my own mother.   

He may be really funny and romantic and you love him... but there are other guys out there that will love you more and love your son just as much as they love you. 

You are not being too overprotective, you need to be more protective, get your son out of that situation NOW.  I was raised in an abusive relationship.  My mother was abused by 3 different husbands and they all hated me.. .including my own father.  My brother was also raised in it.. you couldn't imagine the type of trouble that my brother is in because of the raising he had.   

I can't say it enough... RUN... don't just walk away, but run as fast as you can.  It'll hurt being away from someone you were with but once you find yourself again and find that guy that is going to love not only you but your son, you will know that it was worth it. 

First off, I completely understand that the hubby isn't always there or just doesn't notice everything that is going on.  That can be so frustrating. 

Secondly, if he didn't take her to Disneyland, which is a big deal to a lot of people, that would not only be a slap in HER face but could hurt her severly. 

You are the adult, not the child.  True, she needs to be taught to respect you and to mind what you say, but by not including her into something so big just because you are fighting is childish.  (Not trying to put you down, but being point blank like Dr. Phil, which is why I love watching his show.)  And I know that it would hurt things in your relationship instead of mending them.  Before you go I would recommend you sitting her down and talking to her.  Explain whatever it is that you are fighting over, and why you are upset over it.  Talk to her like a humanbeing and come to terms with it. Punish her in another way, but not by leaving her out. 

It is not disrespectful on his part by bringing her along, it would be disrespectful on your part by leaving her behind just because you are fighting. 

And he needs to spend as much time with her as possible, REGARDLESS of whether you are fighting or not. The world does not evolve on just your feelings, I know sometimes it feels like people are out to get you. But I promise they are not.  You have to realize that they are just children, regardless of age, up until they are 25 their brains are still not completely functioning like they should.  You are always going to disagree. 

How would you have felt if your parents were going to go somewhere and just left you because you had a disagreement?  Or how would you feel if it were your husband to leave you behind because you and his daughter were disagreeing? See what I am trying to say?   

First of all I want to Thank You for responding to my message and it definately is something to think about.  But, I don't know that I explained this correctly.  My husband and I were arguing over my step daughter and on Friday decided to come home and tell me he was going to take her to Disneyland with his brother's family and I was not invited.  On a normal day if this was something planned I would have just dealt with it.  This was not the case, we agreed that if were arguing and not happy we will not bring the children into it by taking off with them.  My stepdaughter had a softball game and a BIG project that is due on Wed. and I don't feel he was looking for her best interest, instead he was being selfish and thought he would just get out of the house and they would have a good time in Disneyland.  We just moved to another state 3 months ago and have no family or friends here so obviously things have been different trying to adjust.  Not using this as an excuse but I think our patience level is not to high right now.  I always believe that you need to clear the air or take care of your argument before you just leave otherwise you just come back to it when you return home and in our case this could be the same argument weeks later if it wasn't resolved.  I sure don't want to be childish but rather support there relationship.  I would just like to be given a heads up before taking off for a weekend trip its only out of respect to the other.  This is what I do and expect it in return.