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Topic : Step-Parenting

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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October 27, 2005, 11:34 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: oreohanson

Iam a stepmom of 2 plus years. When I first started my relationship w/ my husband his kids were 8 & 9.she the girl is a little handicapped wich both parents have spoiled her so rotten be cause of this. The boy who is now ten will poop in his pants even after I have him go sit on the toilet, but then he will walk around in his dirty underwear until you catch him. I asked my husband if this started when they got divorced. He said he did it before. He has been to many doctors to make sure nothing medical was wrong. I dont know what to do? I dont have kids of mine an I wanst able to even though I wanted one. About four months ago I told my husband I was ready for a divorce because his kids would disrespect me so bad. We are still working on this but it is improving every weekend. So if anybody has any advice for the problem with the boy that would be appreciated. Also ther is no sexuall abuse going on.????

My step daughter use to pee herself and the bed and when that stopped as the dr. said she begin to masterbate. Its been very hard and there is no sexual abuse and it worrys me that im the only person that seems to wonder what is causing all this. I feel sometimes that i want to leave but then my youngest son would still be around it all he is only 7 months and im scared to allow them alone.  

 
October 29, 2005, 8:52 am CDT

I feel For You

Quote From: katwoman20

Good Morning All, 

I am the step mom to a 17yr old son.  He has lived with his father and me for nearly 3 years now.  The first year and 1/2 -  we got along great.  I treated him like I do my other boys.  We have 5 kids in the house (4 boys - 17 soon to be 18, 17, 15, 12 and our little girl - 4yrs).  Things were great, the kids and I did things together as well as I did quite a bit for them - chauffering from ballgame to 4-H to band concerts, ect.. Then things changed for the worse around Christmas 2004.  The step son wanted to go to his bio mom's for Christmas (we live in Ohio).  The custody agreement is she pays for him to see her and we pay for the son that lives with her to see us.  She told the step son that she couldn't send him plane tickets because they wouldn't have any Christmas there.  My husband was away for nearly a month right after Thanksgiving to right before Christmas training for his new job and the step son turned into a Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde.  You couldn't talk to him, look at him, no contact period.  My boys got tired of his bad attitude and told me that they hoped he would go to his mom's and not come back.  He totally alienated everyone. His Dad didn't believe me when I told him all the crap we had to put up with while he was gone - he didn't even believe the other kids about how bad the SS behaved. Dad caved in and we ended up paying for him to go to his mom's and when he came back he had a lot of stuff she got him for Christmas and Christmas was slim for us since we sent him to Iowa.  (other kids were pretty resentful) Things did not get any better and they have deteroiated to the point that he totally ignores me.  If he wants something or to go somewhere he goes to his Dad and then it is up to me to get him from point A  to point B.  He will grumble at me "why didn't my dad come to get me or why isn't dad taking me to practice.  I really want to tell his Dad from now on - it is his responsibility to take the SS where he wants to go.  SS portrays me to be the Wicked Witch of the West because to use our vehicle or to go somewhere or get spending money I give him extra chores to pay for it.  (I do this for all the kids - I feel if they earn it they'll take better care of it or enjoy it more I know I did as a kid because I had a part-time job)  He refuses to get a part-time job, expects us to buy him a car (we have bought 2 which he blew the engines in both because he didn't take care of them) and provide him with the money to run and play all he wants.  He goes to Dad and whines about it until Dad tells him not to worry about it and lets him "off the hook" so to say.  This child turns 18 in about 2 months and will have some serious expenses coming up such as prom, spring formal, graduation, leaving for college and feels that it is our responsibility to take care of those expenses.  Yet the other 17 year old plays football, baseball and manages 3 part-time jobs during the summer to carry him thru the school year when he can only work 1 part-time job.  I have tried to talk to SS like I used to and he adopts the "you're an idiot" tone to his voice, or gives me the "I don't need this crap" attitude and goes to his room.  I am to the point I don't talk to him at all because it really hurts my feelings being the receiptient of such hostilities.  Even the rest of the kids notice his nasty attitude and grumble about it but nothing changes.  Dad has given him the you should treat others the way you want to be treated talk but nothing works.  This kid gets a 4.0 GPA at school has gotten awards for citizenship and whined about how the kids at school treat him really good but comes home and "everyone" is mean to him.  Somedays I wonder if he is doing drugs or what is going on his little world but whenever I approach him I am snarled at or he walks away mumbling.  ANY ADVICE...I am so miserable.  I try to be the adult but after a nearly a year and a half I am tired of trying.  Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a beat down step mom. 

I am the stepmom of an 18 year of Girl and 17 year old boy. The girl is great, never a problem. The boy, is a handful. He and his sister have always lived with the ex right down the street from us. Last fall he was skipping school and flunking out. The ex told him he would have to move in with his Dad and Me since she was tired of putting up with him. He did move in for about 3 months. It was 3 months of hell. We went into it with the understanding that he had some problems with direction, but really he had problems with lying. The kid has a sweet heart and is enjoyable to be around, but he lies all the time. Whatever he wants, he lies. My husband was in denial at first, but his son proved over and over that he could not be trusted. Now he is back with the ex (because I finally put my foot down and demanded some respect of the rules) and pretty much does whatever he pleases. He comes over for a visit when he is fishing around for something (money, car, drivers license) and acts like the perfect little angel. My husband seems to forget his habit of lying and takes whatever he says hook line and sinker. He has also given him money on numerous occassions, even though he owes us for destroying a brand new lawn mower trying to turn it into a motor cart.  

With all of this and more, my husband has never ever allowed his son to directly disrespect me. This is a deal breaker for sure. You need to explain to your husband that if he ever wants peace in his home, he will have to establish you as a respected adult and be relentless in protecting your authority.  

I always remind my husband that leaving is one thing to feel guilt over. But that is done. Don't wind up feeling guilty later because you allowed the child to grow up with a chip on his shoulder. Tell the kid he is basically an adult, and needs to start acting like one. 

Good luck! 

  

 
October 31, 2005, 1:57 pm CST

being consistant about discipline

I am a SAHM with 2 kids.  My son is 21/2 and my step daughter just turned 11.  My husband and I never seem to see eye to eye and are constantly arguing over his daughter.  She has lived with us for the past 5 years now and has been in trouble at school in the past for lying, fighting, forging my signature and getting citations.  We just moved to a different state and she seems to be getting along alot better so far this year.  YEAH!!!!  We have been having some homework issues and a few small lies happening the past couple weeks now and I would like to bite it in the butt (figure of speech) before it gets out of hand.  My husband travels quite a bit for work so im obviously dealing with the day to day issues.   I have been talking with other woman and they thought it was best if he takes care of the discipline so im not the bad guy being that im the stepmom.  Last week I decided to try a different approach and let my husband handle it (discipline).  Well of course he gave her a few options to choose and she chose not to go to a movie or the state fair.  There was something else he needed to take care of and as of yet its been put under the rug.  I told him last night I want to get to the fair this weekend but what to do with her and he said "he was just not going to let her go this past weekend", we weren't going anyway since it was her b-day party.  Im REALLY trying to work on not saying anything but I want to SOOOOOO bad cause I feel its important to stay consistant and I feel its a slap in my face if he just blows it off.    

Is there anyone who has advice that has dealt with this before?  How do you stay calm about this and not say anything?  HELP  "/ 

 
October 31, 2005, 2:26 pm CST

step-parenting

Quote From: jcushing

I am a SAHM with 2 kids.  My son is 21/2 and my step daughter just turned 11.  My husband and I never seem to see eye to eye and are constantly arguing over his daughter.  She has lived with us for the past 5 years now and has been in trouble at school in the past for lying, fighting, forging my signature and getting citations.  We just moved to a different state and she seems to be getting along alot better so far this year.  YEAH!!!!  We have been having some homework issues and a few small lies happening the past couple weeks now and I would like to bite it in the butt (figure of speech) before it gets out of hand.  My husband travels quite a bit for work so im obviously dealing with the day to day issues.   I have been talking with other woman and they thought it was best if he takes care of the discipline so im not the bad guy being that im the stepmom.  Last week I decided to try a different approach and let my husband handle it (discipline).  Well of course he gave her a few options to choose and she chose not to go to a movie or the state fair.  There was something else he needed to take care of and as of yet its been put under the rug.  I told him last night I want to get to the fair this weekend but what to do with her and he said "he was just not going to let her go this past weekend", we weren't going anyway since it was her b-day party.  Im REALLY trying to work on not saying anything but I want to SOOOOOO bad cause I feel its important to stay consistant and I feel its a slap in my face if he just blows it off.    

Is there anyone who has advice that has dealt with this before?  How do you stay calm about this and not say anything?  HELP  "/ 

Hi I am a mother of three.My husband to be is my 2 older childrens step-dad and need to know why he gets so uptight with everything they do. My oldest is 13 now and was 10 when we got together he's a very giving and loving child and my boyfriend is constantly getting after him for everything. for Ex: He didn't untied the dog so my boyfriend wanted to take the dog away from him now he was tied up and about 10pm the night before and untied at about 4:30pm the next day because my son forgot to untie him that morning before school. Now I felt that taking the dog away because he forgot was a litttle extreme he is just a kid and I know they need to learn responsiblity but we all forget right. They can't seem to anything right and I'm worried that my boyfriend feels that they don't have the greatest father fiqure in their life that he has to be tougher than need be. My two older children know right from wrong, they say please and thank you, they don't ask for everything and know they wont get it anyway even if they beg. How do I get my boyfriend to see what he is doing is not right and he might make them feel that His son is more important than they are and want to go live with their dad. I love my children and my husband to be. I just feel that he is ruining a good relationship with these wonderful children. Ecspecially my oldest son he is at an age that we have to be able to talk to him because of all the stuff out there for teenagers now a days. Please someone or dr.phil let me know what i can do to get through to my husband to be and my oldest son? 

  

 
November 1, 2005, 12:33 pm CST

Step-Parenting

Quote From: smashash1

Thank you so much for your reply.  I cant believe that I have gotten to the point where I question everything that I do, and whether or not I am crazy.  I was never the type of person that needed to be given a whole lot of direction, I always knew right from wrong and was very comfortable with my relationship with my son.   

  

The one time that I threatened to leave, he said that that was proof that I let me son run my life and that I cater to him.   I dont in any way let my son tell me what to do, but I do believe in letting kids have their input and their thoughts taken into consideration.  After all, its not his fault that his father and I seperated, that his dad and stepmom have a new baby, that he is now supposed to try and have a relationship with my boyfriend.  I just think that including their input into decisions allows them to feel that they have a little bit of control.  He is a very quiet kid, and yes has done a few things wrong, but he is a teenager, and I think that most teenagers test their limits at some point.  Even his own kids agree with me, but are timid to tell him to his face.  They sometimes joke to him about his "odd" ways, but will never seriously tell him how his negative criticism has affected them or how it is affecting me and my son.   

Thank you again, and I value what you have said.  I feel that I can make a decision now and not question my sanity.  I know that is crazy, but I always worry that my friends and family are only trying to make me feel better when they say it isnt right the way things are going.  An unbiased opinion or opinions always help.   

It is not a problem at all!! I love these boards because people come here for help and they can receive it! 

  

I would say that you are lucky to have such a well behaved teen, too many teens are out drinking and doing drugs.  They are out there wandering around just causing trouble.  Every teen will test their limits, its human nature.   

  

Never question your sanity, you feel a certain way for a reason.  Love shouldn't hurt and someone who loves you will respect who you are and not judge you.  They will want to do whatever it is they can to please you, not try to make you please them, you will please them automatically.  There are good people out there, you just have to find them!   

  

I hope and pray that things go your way! God bless! 

 
November 1, 2005, 1:02 pm CST

Step-Parenting

Quote From: jcushing

First of all I want to Thank You for responding to my message and it definately is something to think about.  But, I don't know that I explained this correctly.  My husband and I were arguing over my step daughter and on Friday decided to come home and tell me he was going to take her to Disneyland with his brother's family and I was not invited.  On a normal day if this was something planned I would have just dealt with it.  This was not the case, we agreed that if were arguing and not happy we will not bring the children into it by taking off with them.  My stepdaughter had a softball game and a BIG project that is due on Wed. and I don't feel he was looking for her best interest, instead he was being selfish and thought he would just get out of the house and they would have a good time in Disneyland.  We just moved to another state 3 months ago and have no family or friends here so obviously things have been different trying to adjust.  Not using this as an excuse but I think our patience level is not to high right now.  I always believe that you need to clear the air or take care of your argument before you just leave otherwise you just come back to it when you return home and in our case this could be the same argument weeks later if it wasn't resolved.  I sure don't want to be childish but rather support there relationship.  I would just like to be given a heads up before taking off for a weekend trip its only out of respect to the other.  This is what I do and expect it in return. 

Yes, I just misunderstood what you said.  No, I completely agree with what you are saying now!  I think that he should have thought more about it than to just run away like that.  Sorry, I thought that you all were going on a family vacation but you wanted to leave her out of it because you were arguing. 
 
November 1, 2005, 1:11 pm CST

Step-Parenting

Quote From: tracejohn2

Hi I am a mother of three.My husband to be is my 2 older childrens step-dad and need to know why he gets so uptight with everything they do. My oldest is 13 now and was 10 when we got together he's a very giving and loving child and my boyfriend is constantly getting after him for everything. for Ex: He didn't untied the dog so my boyfriend wanted to take the dog away from him now he was tied up and about 10pm the night before and untied at about 4:30pm the next day because my son forgot to untie him that morning before school. Now I felt that taking the dog away because he forgot was a litttle extreme he is just a kid and I know they need to learn responsiblity but we all forget right. They can't seem to anything right and I'm worried that my boyfriend feels that they don't have the greatest father fiqure in their life that he has to be tougher than need be. My two older children know right from wrong, they say please and thank you, they don't ask for everything and know they wont get it anyway even if they beg. How do I get my boyfriend to see what he is doing is not right and he might make them feel that His son is more important than they are and want to go live with their dad. I love my children and my husband to be. I just feel that he is ruining a good relationship with these wonderful children. Ecspecially my oldest son he is at an age that we have to be able to talk to him because of all the stuff out there for teenagers now a days. Please someone or dr.phil let me know what i can do to get through to my husband to be and my oldest son? 

  

Ouch this is a really hard issue.  I completely understand what you are saying though because I am a mother of three, two of my own and one step.  My step son is allowed to get away with EVERYTHING, he is rude, talks back, hurts my daughter, lies, if you can name it, he probably does it... and he is only FOUR!  My daughter who is two can not do ANYTHING!  She is two years old but is held more accountable than my step son.  It leads to fights fights fights.   

  

The children WILL notice the difference in the way they are being treated compared to another child, so it needs to stop now.  It is not fair to the children to be treated differently and it can damage them.  The only real advice that I have is that you are going to have to have a sit down heart to heart talk with your boyfriend.  You need to work out a plan and come up with specifics.  Make down a list of disciplines that go with what and agree to it and follow through.  If there is something that happens down the line, send the child to his room and then talk it over TOGETHER.  You, being their biological mother, need to have more of a say.  The step parent should NEVER be the main disciplinarian. (sp?) 

  

Everyone forgets, even adults.  Once or twice is normal, now when it becomes a habit to forget, thats when the discipline needs to come in.   

  

  

 
November 1, 2005, 2:11 pm CST

Step-Parenting

Alright, I am 22 and have three children.  One is my step-son who is 4 years old, two are my blood, my daughter is 2 and my other son is 4 months old.  We have my step-son quite a bit, his mother works and we are the babysitter, which is wonderful.  We have him 5 to 6 days a week... mainly from 3:30 to 9 pm.  

   

There are many many many many problems that I am having with him.  Somedays he seems to absolutely love me and we get along wonderfully, other days, he sprouts horns and does everything he can to make me lose my cool.  I know that I am the adult and can not act like a child.  I try so hard to be friends with him, more so than I can ever say I have with anyone else.  I swear, its almost like he is being coached into the things he does and says.  I don't really know for sure.  But here is my story.  

   

I started dating my husband when my daughter was 8 months old.  E (the four year old) was then 3 and he would hurt C (my daughter) any chance that he could.  He would hit her over the head with different objects, push her, trip her.  I mounted it all up to jealousy and tried to keep him clear from her but not too much. He would push her down hard, tried to slam her arm in the center of the car, that whatever it is that pulls out and shuts, would poke her hard in the eyes, pull her hair. And then lie and say he didn't do anything, even though I saw him do it. Then when she started to get older and can do more for herself, he now takes away her toys that she is playing with, still hits her, pushes her, makes her do things that he knows she'll get into trouble for (she doesn't get into trouble when we know he did it), and always always always lies about it.  He terrorises her and she still can not tell us what he is doing.  I have told my husband we have got to stop this but he says, they're brother and sister, they'll have to work it out on their own.  He is 4 and a half, born in April, and she is 2, born in September.  She only weighs 22 pounds! She is tiny tiny tiny for her age, tall, but skinny.  She can't tell us what he is doing or defend herself, but I am supposed to let them hash it out!?  He even tries to push her down our stairs at home!  

   

E hates C, he is always talking about how he is going to do this with everyone but not C. No, C has to stay by herself.  

   

The time that he tried to push her down the stairs was just a few days ago.  I was watching her coming down the stairs, (they are right in middle of everything), and E was going up.  He went under her arms as she was balancing them against the wall to walk down and then he lifted her arms up and shoved into her.  She didn't fall but she could have.  I looked at him and said, you're about to get into trouble.  He whirled around, his eyes got dark and he yelled at me and said, "I didn't do ANYTHING."  Which is his answer for everything.  He can do it right in front of you but he didn't do.  

   

Know what my hubby did? Nothing.  He just went on his way, too busy watching T.V.  

   

He is wonderful to his baby brother.  Right now.  I don't know if it'll changed because his dad doesn't have a whole lot to do with the baby, says he isn't comfortable.  

   

He will not eat anything except for chicken and junk food.  I told my husband that once we get married and I start cooking I will not cook two meals, one for us and one for E.  He agreed and understood.  When it came into play, I was being ridiculous (sp?) because we only have E very little... (refer to above)... and I can not starve the boy. Well, just this week I finally got my way.  I didn't cook (its been once) but one meal and E would not eat it.  He refused to take just one bite.  I told him that if he would eat what little I put on his plate I would cook him some clam strips.  (Trying to not just break him in all at once) But he wouldn't even take a bite of it.  I only put like two spoonfuls of food on him plate and he wouldn't eat it.  So he went back to his moms hungry.  I'm not doing it to be mean, but he isn't getting the nutrition he needs and he is always sick.  

   

He is rude and spiteful.  He talks back on EVERYTHING.  You ask him to do something and he will say, NO, I don't have to.  Or if you do something he'll be like, "Why did you do that?  EXCUSE ME ARE YOU CRAZY?! Turn the lights back on." Or if you tell him to do something or that he can't have something he'll question you rudely.  Like, "Why not??" And when you respond he'll just get worse.  He has no respect.  

   

He will say, "when are you cooking me chicken? I want chicken now.  Give me my chicken. How long does it take you to cook? 10 hours?" And he will not stop until it is done.  

   

Now, given this, I can not punish him.  His father will spank him but E doesn't even react, he'll get the spanking and walk away and do it again.  Then his father will just ignore it.  BUT if it was C doing ANY of this, my dear hubby will beat the crap out of her or yell or whatever.  I have pointed this out and my hubby says, "I can't control the way E is raised because he lives with his mother but I can control the way C is."  

   

Ohmy,s orry didn't mean to be so long winded.  It goes on and on like this.  There is so much that E does and I have no way of stopping it.  I have finally gotten E to at least ask and say please, well to me, but he'll overstep me and go to Daddy and tell Dad and then I get told to do it.  I won't, I make E ask me.  

   

But this is killing my marriage.  Not only just this,  because my hubby has the same disrespect and a million more words.  How can I possibly handle this and try and help my step-son.  He can be so sweet and my buddy on some days and then the next day, he is out to destroy me.  I really do care for him a lot, love the boy, but I get sick to my stomach and in a bad mood when he comes over in these moods.  I don't know but its affecting me and my family.  

 
November 4, 2005, 11:44 am CST

What would you do?


I'm struggling with a complicated issue.  I'm newly married to a man who shares custody of his 2 girls, 4&9.  We also have full custody of my daughter, 14.  My husband and his exwife are concidering splitting their girls up where the 4 yr. old would live with us full time and the 9 yr. old would stay with her mom.  The girls mom works and I have the opportunity to stay home.  Although the girls would live in seperate states, this arrangement would include the girls being together all school breaks and vacations.  I'm am concerned that #1,  the 4 yr. old is too young to be seperated from her mom and #2, I'm not sure I want to be a full time parent to such a young child again.  Besides the responcibility, I feel like I'm being asked to replace her mother.  Am I being selfish?   The outcome of this effects the 4 yr. old and me the most.  How much of a say do I get in this?  Can anyone help me with this?
 
November 6, 2005, 3:46 am CST

well well well!

To me it sounds strange to want to split up 2 girls. The 2 are sisters and how does it feel to the younger if mommy doesn't want her anymore!!! And the other girl might think daddy doesn't want her!! Maybe it is more common in the USA (I'm from the Netherlands) but to me that sounds strange.  

I can imaging you don't want to parent a young child anymore, so talk to your husband and say how you feel about it. Make sure both of you make a choice you can live with. Taking in a child that young means parenting a long time.... I'm step-mom to a 17 year old son who is living with us for 5 month now. But I don't parent him that much, it's his father task, haha. I raised my girls (20 and 23) so my job is done as a parent .... But we get along very good and he is a great help.  

greeting from The Netherlands.. Jikke 

 
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