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Topic : Step-Parenting

Number of Replies: 809
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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May 1, 2008, 6:24 am CDT

Again Thank-you

Quote From: a_n_other

Your stepson went into school expecting to be able to see his mother.  He didn't because your husband left you to make a 'phone call instead of sending in a SIGNED letter.  Then your stepson's version of whatever was said by the school employee who refused him permission to leave was dismissed out of hand.

 

You don't want the ex at your house, she doesn't want to go through you to get to organise things with your husband.  Your stepson at 12 doesn't see the need to report all details of his 'phone and computer conversations with his mother to you and your husband.  If your husband doesn't set things up and facilitate their meetings this will continue. 

I did in fact suggest that very same thing to my husband about  him setting up specific times for the child and his mother to come together but alas he said NO that she will lose interest in the child just as she did over the last several years and wanted nothing to do with him.   I myself don't believe this to be true as to my husband's idea she'll lose interest in wanting to see the child as she has in the past.

 

NO...you are mistaken the mother doesn't have to go through me to see her child all she has to do is phone my husband to make arrangements with him "not me" I don't want any contact with her.  I don't care how often the child and his mother want to see each other...I to am a mom of  grown children from my previous marriage and understand the need of parent and child bonding.   And if this is truly genuine on her part that her feelings and needs in building a relationship with the child  then Great; it's about damn time she decided to allow the child in her life after all these years after choosing her lover over her child.

 

She was young at the time and hopefully has finally grown up?!  But only time will tell actions... as they say speak louder then words!!

 

And about phone and PC conversations... I have never inquired on what is said between them just as I don't question the child of his conversations with his friends.   

 

I just don't want the woman coming to My home period.  She can see the child as often as the two of them want to spend time together ...that was never the issue I have.   What I don't want  is not  to go through the same drama or any new drama with this woman as we've had to deal with her in just over the one year of us being married.   Issues the two of them have with one another...is unreal and I for one don't  and never did want it in my life and was unaware the extent until after we were married.  No normal person would want this in their lives and I  for certain don't want it anymore... for this not to filter into my home life is by  avoiding contact occurring between us that  it is best the drop off and pick up occur elsewhere but  NOT AT MY HOME!

 

So ...for us to drop him off in town for the two of them to spend whatever length of time they want and the mother and my husband have agreed upon that's fine that's between them...I just don't want her at my home coming and going as she feels.

 

Thank-you.  You suggested one thing that I know would work and that is for times and days to be setup and I have suggested it already but otherwise you're off the mark as to what has been going on.  One could write a book on what has occurred in just the past year alone...trust me if you had to endure what I have of your marriage...you would feel exactly the same way I do!!!

 

Take Care ....Sunstone

 
May 2, 2008, 1:41 pm CDT

step-mom

My husband and I have been married for 2 months now, but been together for 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter. The problem is their biological mother has been causing alot of problems. When they first divorced, of course, she fought for custody of them (we later figured out was to prove herself, not because she really wanted them). She won primary custody, which most mothers do unless you can prove that they are an unfit parent. A year went by and my husband swore he would take her back to court. Around the time that he was beginning to look for anothing lawyer, she told him she would give him custody of the kids, because her other 4 children went to visit their father for the summer and he and his wife slapped her in the face with a restraining order because her brother had molested the 2 oldest daughters when they were younger. So, she could not afford to go back to court, and instead handed them over to us. About a month went by, and then, she and her 3rd husband moved to another state because she did not want to be around anyone here at all. She stayed there for 6 months, and then sent my husband a letter stating how she knew what she did was wrong and she was going to come back here and never leave the kids again. (She was coming back because her marriage was on the rocks and was going to leave her alcoholic husband.) My stepson was having a very hard time coping with her being gone. So, she came back and moved in with her friend so she could look for a job. She came here to visit with the kids a couple of times, introducing herself back into their lives. A few weeks ago, she informed my husband that she was going to go back to "end" things with her husband. She promised she would be back for the kids. A week went by, she said she was coming back she just needed money for gas. Supposedly, she was going to be getting money for it 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard anything since. It has been very hard on the kids. Surprisingly they don't ask about her much because they are used to her being absent from their lives. I just know this is going to be something they will have to cope with forever. My husband sent her an email (her phone is shut off) letting her know that he should have known that she did not come back here to be with them, only to get away from her husband. It has just been a very drama filled experience, and we are so angry with her for being so selfish. It is so hard for my stepson especially because he understands more what is going on. What is he supposed to think now when we tell him she has moved back up there? Before he would say, "If she says she loves me, why doesn't she come be with me?" I just don't understand how a mother can do this.
 
May 10, 2008, 1:59 pm CDT

Step Parenting and how much can one do

 I am curious about how much parenting my husband can do with my son?  I know dr. phil says let the bio parent do the parenting and the step parent step back and be more of a friend... however, I grew up in a house with 2 sets of step parents.  My dad step parented my mom's first kids and my mom step parented my dad's first child and then they had me and my brother  together.  Now both my parents acted as parents to each other's kids and things worked out fine.  Now i feel like i want my husband to step up and help me more with my son.  It's half his house so, he should also enforce the household rules...Does anyone else agree?  What wrong can come out of it if my son is complient and respects the idea of it?  It's funny because my son totally respects my hubby.  if my hubby says no, or do this, my son complys big time and won't do it again.  where if i tell him to do something or not to do something he seems to always forget and does it again.  so, whats wrong with getting things our way by having my hubby stepping in?  He thinks it's not his place, i think it is.  so, give me your thoughts, ALL your thoughts, on the matter...Thanks! 
P.S. if dr. phill or robin want to add to this, please do!  lol
 
May 20, 2008, 8:43 am CDT

So heartbroken

I am looking for any help at this time as I have know idea which way to turn. Over a year ago I met a wonderful man whom I love dearly. I was a single mom for years and have a 27 year old daughter who is a police detective and a 28 year son who owns his own company. My commonlaw has a ten year old daugher who has this last weekend put a huge strain on our relationship. She very regular throws tantrums which include screaming and kicking in malls, store at home or in a vechile. All you have to say is the words no, and you can be ready for the screaming and her saying her famious words. "I am telling my mom, or I want to go home to mom." She refused until recentantly, to even sleep by herself and we were kicked out of our apartment block because of her tantrums due to being put in her own bed. Now this last weekend after trying to take her camping for the weekend she actually went to the bathroom in her pants, twice in the middle of the night and then demanded that I cleaned the stole from her clothing.

Her words were, "They are worth money you know, so make sure they are clean." After crying for hours, she then went home to her mother and told her that I locked her in a basement and would not let her out. What had happened was after we brought her home from camping I gave her a bath, it was very cool outside and told her that she could watch a movie downstairs while I cleaned her cloth as her hair was still wet and I felt it was to cold to be outside with wet hair. I now give up, I have tried very much to for some kind of relationship with this child, it is not for lack of knowing how to care for children as I had 38 foster children aside from my own. But I have know idea what to do with this one. Please any help from anyone would be appreciated.

 
May 20, 2008, 1:36 pm CDT

Wow, I have nothing to complain about

Quote From: hollysfishing

I am looking for any help at this time as I have know idea which way to turn. Over a year ago I met a wonderful man whom I love dearly. I was a single mom for years and have a 27 year old daughter who is a police detective and a 28 year son who owns his own company. My commonlaw has a ten year old daugher who has this last weekend put a huge strain on our relationship. She very regular throws tantrums which include screaming and kicking in malls, store at home or in a vechile. All you have to say is the words no, and you can be ready for the screaming and her saying her famious words. "I am telling my mom, or I want to go home to mom." She refused until recentantly, to even sleep by herself and we were kicked out of our apartment block because of her tantrums due to being put in her own bed. Now this last weekend after trying to take her camping for the weekend she actually went to the bathroom in her pants, twice in the middle of the night and then demanded that I cleaned the stole from her clothing.

Her words were, "They are worth money you know, so make sure they are clean." After crying for hours, she then went home to her mother and told her that I locked her in a basement and would not let her out. What had happened was after we brought her home from camping I gave her a bath, it was very cool outside and told her that she could watch a movie downstairs while I cleaned her cloth as her hair was still wet and I felt it was to cold to be outside with wet hair. I now give up, I have tried very much to for some kind of relationship with this child, it is not for lack of knowing how to care for children as I had 38 foster children aside from my own. But I have know idea what to do with this one. Please any help from anyone would be appreciated.

 I came on here to day to seek advice for my situation which by all means pales in comparison.   I have been married for 10 yrs and his seventeen yr old daughter just graduated from High School and she is about to turn 18. 
    First my advice to you is have your commonlaw have a talk with the young lass.  It is his problem to straighten out and there is nothing you can do to solve the issue.   When my stepdaughter was seven,  she absolutely hated me and did everything she could to break us up.   She had dreams that her parents would get back together and they would be a happy family.  And obviously I was a big obstical in that area.  When my husband found out what the problem was he sat her down and told her that he would never get back together with her mother even if I was not here and that He was going to marry me and he expected her to at the very least to show me respect and courtesey.  Over the years I have found that Dr Phil is right when he says it is not the place of the Step to do the parenting.    I can only enforce,  those boundries that my husband set down.    He made the rules,  I just made sure they were followed when he wasn't around.  I cannot act like a mother to her,  as much as I want to,  especially when I think her mother does not do what she should.   I can never say anything negative about her mom,  even when I think her mom is being a dumb ***.   If she was my child her life would have been very different,   but I am not her mother she has a mother and father,  and they have to take responsiblity for her life and influence they have had on her and the consequences of that influence.  My job is first,  love and support my husband,  and then to love and support his daughter by making sure we do what we(my husband and I) promise,  and the rest of the time blending into the backround the best I can. 
    This little 10yr old girl is doing everything she can to be a problem for you and your commonlaw.   Make him deal with her,   he can clean the clothes and  he can make her stay in her bed.  He need to set the rules and enforce them, no wishy washy crap.   She will eventually get the hint that dad means business.  And if she is making false accusations against you,  do not be alone with her.   You are there for your husband and he is there for his daughter no need for you to be alone with her especially now.  You may be able to ease the anxiety for her sleeping in her own bed,  by making it just that.  Her room and Her Bed the way she likes it with stuff she picks out with the both of you.  ( I have a room in my house that had been redone three times and sleep in maybe 12 months out of 360)  and if that doesnt work,  when my son was two and wouldnt stay in his bed we would sit in the room until he feel asleep then shorten it every night until finally he would go to bed on his own. 
    What you do and say to a step child matters,   you can love them as your own but they will never be your own and you have to understand the seperation.   With her mom in the picture you are the competition,  so choose not to compete.   It is the fathers job to do the work and take care of the issues,   all you can do is love and support them both.     Never ever say anything less than glowing about her mother,   you diss her mom and you will never get along,  make sure that she and everyone else knows you are not there to take anyones place,   you love her father which means you love her too.   You are not her mom and dont want to be here mom because she loves the one she has and she does not want to betray her mom.   
    I was feeling unapprciated by my step daughter and concerned about a snotty comment  she made about the planning of the family birthday party for her.  But readiing this and other accounts today.  I am trully blessed with a wonderful step daughter and we have come a long way,  and as much as I love her she will always be my step daughter and will never just be just one of my kids.   I have to keep my opinions and parental bulletins to myself.   It is not the same with all step children some blend and have two sets of parents and sometimes you have to pull yourself back because you are not wanted as the second mother,  you are only your husbands wife.
 
May 20, 2008, 1:42 pm CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: hollysfishing

I am looking for any help at this time as I have know idea which way to turn. Over a year ago I met a wonderful man whom I love dearly. I was a single mom for years and have a 27 year old daughter who is a police detective and a 28 year son who owns his own company. My commonlaw has a ten year old daugher who has this last weekend put a huge strain on our relationship. She very regular throws tantrums which include screaming and kicking in malls, store at home or in a vechile. All you have to say is the words no, and you can be ready for the screaming and her saying her famious words. "I am telling my mom, or I want to go home to mom." She refused until recentantly, to even sleep by herself and we were kicked out of our apartment block because of her tantrums due to being put in her own bed. Now this last weekend after trying to take her camping for the weekend she actually went to the bathroom in her pants, twice in the middle of the night and then demanded that I cleaned the stole from her clothing.

Her words were, "They are worth money you know, so make sure they are clean." After crying for hours, she then went home to her mother and told her that I locked her in a basement and would not let her out. What had happened was after we brought her home from camping I gave her a bath, it was very cool outside and told her that she could watch a movie downstairs while I cleaned her cloth as her hair was still wet and I felt it was to cold to be outside with wet hair. I now give up, I have tried very much to for some kind of relationship with this child, it is not for lack of knowing how to care for children as I had 38 foster children aside from my own. But I have know idea what to do with this one. Please any help from anyone would be appreciated.

 He maybe shouldnt parent but he sure could back you up.   My Husband referred to me as the policeman but he is the warden.   I arrest and convict and he enforces.    Its a nice set up but you do have to be firm.  But there is no reason why your husband cannot demand that his wife be treated with respect and enforce the rules you set down. 
 
May 20, 2008, 1:57 pm CDT

More, wow I have nothing to complain about

Quote From: shell2428

My husband and I have been married for 2 months now, but been together for 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter. The problem is their biological mother has been causing alot of problems. When they first divorced, of course, she fought for custody of them (we later figured out was to prove herself, not because she really wanted them). She won primary custody, which most mothers do unless you can prove that they are an unfit parent. A year went by and my husband swore he would take her back to court. Around the time that he was beginning to look for anothing lawyer, she told him she would give him custody of the kids, because her other 4 children went to visit their father for the summer and he and his wife slapped her in the face with a restraining order because her brother had molested the 2 oldest daughters when they were younger. So, she could not afford to go back to court, and instead handed them over to us. About a month went by, and then, she and her 3rd husband moved to another state because she did not want to be around anyone here at all. She stayed there for 6 months, and then sent my husband a letter stating how she knew what she did was wrong and she was going to come back here and never leave the kids again. (She was coming back because her marriage was on the rocks and was going to leave her alcoholic husband.) My stepson was having a very hard time coping with her being gone. So, she came back and moved in with her friend so she could look for a job. She came here to visit with the kids a couple of times, introducing herself back into their lives. A few weeks ago, she informed my husband that she was going to go back to "end" things with her husband. She promised she would be back for the kids. A week went by, she said she was coming back she just needed money for gas. Supposedly, she was going to be getting money for it 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard anything since. It has been very hard on the kids. Surprisingly they don't ask about her much because they are used to her being absent from their lives. I just know this is going to be something they will have to cope with forever. My husband sent her an email (her phone is shut off) letting her know that he should have known that she did not come back here to be with them, only to get away from her husband. It has just been a very drama filled experience, and we are so angry with her for being so selfish. It is so hard for my stepson especially because he understands more what is going on. What is he supposed to think now when we tell him she has moved back up there? Before he would say, "If she says she loves me, why doesn't she come be with me?" I just don't understand how a mother can do this.
 I wrote another response to some one earlier about my 17 yr old step daughter, some of that may apply to you as well.   When it comes to things you cant explain,  like thier mother,  don't.   Not your job.   This so call mom will have to answer for her actions some day.    You cannot control the actions of another person, nor can you really explain them.   Love these kids,   they need it.    If you and your husband,  love and provide for these kids go and get custody,  make it legal,  NOW!!!!   Do everything you can to limit her time with them.   But do not ever, discuss it around them and leave them out of the process as much as possible.   You are not competeing for these kids.   You will have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life,  or as long as you are married.   (the reason why people should be picky about who the sleep with,  dont get me wrong,  I made the same stupid mistake and got lucky when the guy wanted nothing to do with my son and husband was able to adopt him at 5)   You have no choice there, to quote dr phil you only control yourself and how you react.   Always take the high road and do the right thing,  letting them see their mom.  But put an end to harmful back and forths by getting custody now.    The kids will eventually realize someday that you did your best with thier best interest at heart.   She will break thier hearts over and over and you can only love them and do your best to off set the damage by setting good examples and always do what you say you will do so the kids know they can depend on you and your husband.  Let your husband lead the way and you follow with all the love and support you can muster.
 
May 21, 2008, 7:42 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: dottieh

 I came on here to day to seek advice for my situation which by all means pales in comparison.   I have been married for 10 yrs and his seventeen yr old daughter just graduated from High School and she is about to turn 18. 
    First my advice to you is have your commonlaw have a talk with the young lass.  It is his problem to straighten out and there is nothing you can do to solve the issue.   When my stepdaughter was seven,  she absolutely hated me and did everything she could to break us up.   She had dreams that her parents would get back together and they would be a happy family.  And obviously I was a big obstical in that area.  When my husband found out what the problem was he sat her down and told her that he would never get back together with her mother even if I was not here and that He was going to marry me and he expected her to at the very least to show me respect and courtesey.  Over the years I have found that Dr Phil is right when he says it is not the place of the Step to do the parenting.    I can only enforce,  those boundries that my husband set down.    He made the rules,  I just made sure they were followed when he wasn't around.  I cannot act like a mother to her,  as much as I want to,  especially when I think her mother does not do what she should.   I can never say anything negative about her mom,  even when I think her mom is being a dumb ***.   If she was my child her life would have been very different,   but I am not her mother she has a mother and father,  and they have to take responsiblity for her life and influence they have had on her and the consequences of that influence.  My job is first,  love and support my husband,  and then to love and support his daughter by making sure we do what we(my husband and I) promise,  and the rest of the time blending into the backround the best I can. 
    This little 10yr old girl is doing everything she can to be a problem for you and your commonlaw.   Make him deal with her,   he can clean the clothes and  he can make her stay in her bed.  He need to set the rules and enforce them, no wishy washy crap.   She will eventually get the hint that dad means business.  And if she is making false accusations against you,  do not be alone with her.   You are there for your husband and he is there for his daughter no need for you to be alone with her especially now.  You may be able to ease the anxiety for her sleeping in her own bed,  by making it just that.  Her room and Her Bed the way she likes it with stuff she picks out with the both of you.  ( I have a room in my house that had been redone three times and sleep in maybe 12 months out of 360)  and if that doesnt work,  when my son was two and wouldnt stay in his bed we would sit in the room until he feel asleep then shorten it every night until finally he would go to bed on his own. 
    What you do and say to a step child matters,   you can love them as your own but they will never be your own and you have to understand the seperation.   With her mom in the picture you are the competition,  so choose not to compete.   It is the fathers job to do the work and take care of the issues,   all you can do is love and support them both.     Never ever say anything less than glowing about her mother,   you diss her mom and you will never get along,  make sure that she and everyone else knows you are not there to take anyones place,   you love her father which means you love her too.   You are not her mom and dont want to be here mom because she loves the one she has and she does not want to betray her mom.   
    I was feeling unapprciated by my step daughter and concerned about a snotty comment  she made about the planning of the family birthday party for her.  But readiing this and other accounts today.  I am trully blessed with a wonderful step daughter and we have come a long way,  and as much as I love her she will always be my step daughter and will never just be just one of my kids.   I have to keep my opinions and parental bulletins to myself.   It is not the same with all step children some blend and have two sets of parents and sometimes you have to pull yourself back because you are not wanted as the second mother,  you are only your husbands wife.
Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. Further to my story, yes indeed I did make a mistake. I thought that I should accept this child as my own and love her and teach her things about life that she is not learning. Unfortunately this probadly came from being a foster parent. I offer to take her for four weeks during the summer months so that she did not have to be in day care. I feel that being in a daycare with children under 5 for two months does not allow her to develope or mature. Now that she has told her mother that I have kept her in the basement that time will not happen, the dance lessons, swimming lessons and camping trips have been cancelled as mother does not want me around her. You are right I will not be alone with her as my 14 years of service with child can be crumbled with one phone call from her mother. Now while I admitting things that I am sure I have done wrong, this is a big one. I spent thousands of dollars on decoraing her room just the way she wanted it With Barbie accessories and bed. In order for her to sleep in it my commanlaw sleeps on the floor beside her bed. Her mother believes in a family bed! And feels that the child needs a parent in the bed with her to make her feel secure. I have seen this child throw such a tantrum that she pees her pants in public then looks at me and says. "Now look at what you have made me do!"  I have watched her gets so mad because she can not have a chocolate bar in the store that she crushes them and puts them back on the shelf. I never say anything bad about her mother in front of her, I actually try and give her mother praze when I can, but her mother feels that her child does no wrong and never doubts for one moment that what she is saying is not true. The guidance concellor in the school gave a talk about "being touched inappropriatley and bullying" and within 2 months she had a little boy who was seven kicked out of daycare and school as she accused him of touching her. She is much smarter than her parents give her credit for and I can see that by thirteen she will be out of control. I tried hard last night to talk to my commanlaw and try and come up with a resolution for this conflict. I started by making a cup of tea and taking it to our favorite spot outside so he felt comfortable and saying, " I guess we need to fix this flat tire so we can move on." He talked about how well the grass is growing and that there is nothing he can do if the mother is not willing to work together." When I said that the people at the lake were tired of her screaming, he hit the roof and said, "No one diss my daughter, and if I would have heard them I would have had something to say to them" He then stormed in the house and that was the end of my attemp.
 
May 21, 2008, 7:48 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: dottieh

 He maybe shouldnt parent but he sure could back you up.   My Husband referred to me as the policeman but he is the warden.   I arrest and convict and he enforces.    Its a nice set up but you do have to be firm.  But there is no reason why your husband cannot demand that his wife be treated with respect and enforce the rules you set down. 
This child has no rules, as the attitude is "I only have her every two weeks and on holidays and do not want to spend my time disaplining her, I would rather spend the time doing things with her." She actually makes him stay in the same room with her constantly, she stands outside the bathroom door when he is in the bathroom and screams "Dad get out here." I watched her the other night at bed time say to her father, "That is not the right pillow, I want the other one go get it, I want my stuffed animals and hurry up." He went and did it all.
 
May 21, 2008, 1:50 pm CDT

I feel for you

Quote From: hollysfishing

Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. Further to my story, yes indeed I did make a mistake. I thought that I should accept this child as my own and love her and teach her things about life that she is not learning. Unfortunately this probadly came from being a foster parent. I offer to take her for four weeks during the summer months so that she did not have to be in day care. I feel that being in a daycare with children under 5 for two months does not allow her to develope or mature. Now that she has told her mother that I have kept her in the basement that time will not happen, the dance lessons, swimming lessons and camping trips have been cancelled as mother does not want me around her. You are right I will not be alone with her as my 14 years of service with child can be crumbled with one phone call from her mother. Now while I admitting things that I am sure I have done wrong, this is a big one. I spent thousands of dollars on decoraing her room just the way she wanted it With Barbie accessories and bed. In order for her to sleep in it my commanlaw sleeps on the floor beside her bed. Her mother believes in a family bed! And feels that the child needs a parent in the bed with her to make her feel secure. I have seen this child throw such a tantrum that she pees her pants in public then looks at me and says. "Now look at what you have made me do!"  I have watched her gets so mad because she can not have a chocolate bar in the store that she crushes them and puts them back on the shelf. I never say anything bad about her mother in front of her, I actually try and give her mother praze when I can, but her mother feels that her child does no wrong and never doubts for one moment that what she is saying is not true. The guidance concellor in the school gave a talk about "being touched inappropriatley and bullying" and within 2 months she had a little boy who was seven kicked out of daycare and school as she accused him of touching her. She is much smarter than her parents give her credit for and I can see that by thirteen she will be out of control. I tried hard last night to talk to my commanlaw and try and come up with a resolution for this conflict. I started by making a cup of tea and taking it to our favorite spot outside so he felt comfortable and saying, " I guess we need to fix this flat tire so we can move on." He talked about how well the grass is growing and that there is nothing he can do if the mother is not willing to work together." When I said that the people at the lake were tired of her screaming, he hit the roof and said, "No one diss my daughter, and if I would have heard them I would have had something to say to them" He then stormed in the house and that was the end of my attemp.
 Wow,  this is what happens when kids are allowed to run the place.   Please be sure I know this is not your doing.    But some of the blame does have to go to your commonlaw.   If my husbands daughter was anything close to that bad it  would have been a deal breaker for me.   You need some professional intervention,  and not for you for them.   This girl has her parents wrapped around her little finger and is very afraid you are going to mess with her set up.  You are the enemy and she will do everything she can to take you out.   The parents have the idea that thier sweet little darling is not the problem,  how could she be she is only 10.   Well never underestimate the mind of a child.   Obviousously,  both mom and dad have the illusion that thier child is blameless and does not need to be disciplined,  or ever told no.   If I were you,  I would decided what I am willing to do or take from him or his daughter and draw the line.  What are you willing to live with?  If the line is crossed,  leave.   You sound like a wonderful woman and deserve better from him and his daughter.    And I say both of them because this is his problem to take care of and his decisions to allow her to be this way is as much a part of the problem as her flawed parenting ideas.   (Kids should sleep in thier own beds,  its better for everyone, especially the parents) but by not fighting back so to speak and allowing these things to continue in his presence,  makes him as responsible as the mother in this childs attitude.     The wonderful thing in this is you,   you want to make a difference but you really cant, God Bless you and your wonderful heart.  This is when being the step parent is at its toughest,  love the best you can when you can.   Just remember that you cant change it and its not reflection on you,  its all on them.   Thier choices, thier decisions and thier consequences.  not yours.
 
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