Topic : Step-Parenting

Hi there...

 

I am totally and completely at a loss.

 

I am 37 years old, I was married to my ex-wife for almost 10 years, we have two beautiful girls 9 and 8 years old who come to visit me and my wife every other weekend and one evening a week.

 

I am now married to my second wife who I love dearly (3 months now) and we have been together for about 15 months.  We have two children from her previous marriage 14 year old son and 12 year old daughter.

 

My relationship with my step-children is VERY strained especially with my stepson.  I don't think I am a difficult guy to get along with nore do I ask or expect to much.  However, things between my stepson and I are extremely volotile and I don't know what to do anymore.

My wife is trapped of course and struggling with everything herself.  She and I have spokn numerous times about things and how we want to raise the kids but it seems we keep hitting brick walls.

 

I/WE NEED DESPERATE HELP!

 

 

 I am part of a blended family. I have one son who is 15 and a step son who is 16 who lives with myself and my fiance. We have been living together as a family for going four years now. My fiance is military and we have just recently relocated about a 1000 miles from home.

Although our boys seem to have adjusted well to the move, I am experiencing some new problems in trying to deal with my step son. Firstly, let me say I do love him dearly and try my best to be a good female role model for him. He has had an on again, off again relationship with his bio mother. Before we had moved she had only seen him twice in about 13months and one of those times was a few days before we moved where she visited with him for a few hours.

Before we relocated, my fiance had a support order issued against her. He has had sole custody for going on five years and she has never paid a dime. Now that she is in arrears she is attempting to rebuild her relationship with her son, for what I think is to lure him to live with her so she will not have to pay support.

She has remarried and had another child from a different man. Their family income is nearly double to what ours is yet she is refusing to pay. She has been offering my step son material things ( ie money, flat panel tv's, game systems) if he would come to live with her. She is undermining every rule we have set for him in our household. We do not allow him to have girls in his room with the door shut, he has a curfew and we have asked him to start looking for a part time job. She allows him to drink when he visits her now ( he was there over Christmas break) and she also allowed him to drive a vehicle and he has not received his drivers permit. I overheard him speaking with her on the phone and he is blatently lying to her about the things that are going on in our household to gain her sympathy. I figure that this is the only way he knows how to get her attention.

I am so frustrated that she is playing him against us, undoing all the work that we have done with him. He was diagnosed at an early age with a oppositional defiance disorder and has allways been in a modified education program for other learning disabilites. He desperately needs a structured environment in order to keep things running smoothly. It hurts me immensly when he speaks so negatively about us to her and then comes over to give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me. I don't konw what to do. I don't want to be uspet with him, I understand what he is doing and why he is doing it .. but I don't know how to deal with it, or his mother.  He wants to spend the summer with her, but I am terrified not only what she will allow him to do when there, but that with all the "freedom" that she will give to him that he wont come home... I should also mention that she was charged with and pled guilty to assaulting a minor when she slapped her step son (from her first relationship after she seperated from my fiance) and caused him to bleed. Ahh so frustrating and I don't know what to do. My fiance and I have a wonderful relationship but this is causing some strain between us... I realize this post is long, but it just felt good to type it all out... Thanks for reading.

Hello,

 

I need advice on how to handle a volatile situation.  I am 37, my daughter is 15 and son is 13.  Three months ago I married my boyfriend of 4 years.  My kids are having a hard time adjusting.  They say they don't want to live with us..although they are.  My immediate family sides with the kids,  they feel they should not have to live me and have offered to take them in.  I feel this has only perpetuated the situation.

 

My husband is a good man.  He treats us well,  provides for us there is no reason for them to have this reaction.

 

We moved to a new home but purpously stayed within the school district, however they refuse to ride the new bus.  Everyday I drive them to school,  this puts me late to work 30 -45 minutes every single day, putting my job in jeopardy. In the afternoons they take the bus to my mothers house, she lives near by.  I have allowed this to give them some adjustment time but everday I go to get  them there is a major hassle. They refuse to leave and come home with me.  Finally this week  I was forced to call police to help me escort them out of her house.  I cannot handle the stress of this for much longer. 

 

I understand it takes time to adjust to a new enviroment and I have tried to handle it so to ease them in.. but they have taken the stance that they did not want to move they did not want me to remarry and they will not live with me  or will make like very hard.

 

First  was I wrong to marry knowing they did not want this?  I knew beforehand they were not happy with it but figured they would adjust.  They are in a safe, healthy enviromment,  I now have more time to spend,  we live in a nicer area and I can provided for them more.  They are also able to see what a true healthy marriage should be like.  We were going to marry two years earlier but waited to allow them more adjustment time.

 

I feel in my heart it is a simple case of the fear of change.  I also feel that if I had my family backing me and encouraging them this transition would be going much smoother.  I do have some support oddly from my ex-inlaws.  We all are going to counseling as well but its slow moving.

 

I feel that my family is a negative force .  Making comments like "your happiness does not matter" and "you live in a gloried trailer park" in front of my kids is not  acceptable but I do not want to completely separate them either. They tell me I am wrong and selfish and am getting what I ask for.  Everyone I talk to says it souds like the kids are just being spoiled and I need to lay down the law even if it means separation from my family.

 

Is my family wrong for siding with them or am I wrong to move on with my life and should I have stayed single for another 4 years?

 

 This is a hard time in general with early teens much less an addition to the family and new home, I do understand, but regardless of what they are telling everyone life at home has not been that bad for them.  They hardly see my new husband between work and school. He has tried to allow them space and as much alone with me as possible. 

 

 I need your thoughts on how to get a handle on this before they get older and braver and maybe start to act out in other ways.  In general they are great kids,  they do good in school,  no complaints other than they feel strongly about this new situation.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Your family should be trying to help you, they should be working WITH you; instead, they are working against you. I agree that cutting off all contact would probably be more harmful then good at this time, but cutting the amount of time that they spend around your family would help you out a lot. Instead of having them go to your mother’s house after school, hire someone to pick them up at school, take them home and hang out with them until you get home. (Don’t think of it as a babysitter, think of it as a mentor.) I know that it might seem ‘extreme,’ but in your case, I think it is necessary. This would be giving your kids the message that you are not just going to lay down and allow them to walk all over you!
Think about this: what rewards do your kids get for acting this way? There is something beneficial to them, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing this.
When you go to counseling, what do you talk about? Do you all go together, or do you go separately? I urge you to do both, together as well as separate. Also, because it is going slowly, ask your therapist if you can have more appointments or make them closer together. This is to save your family; it is very important.
I feel bad for you, this is a very tough situation. From your post, you sound like a reasonable person. Keep the lines of communication open with your kids, let them know that you will always listen to what they have to say, even if you don’t always agree with them. Do your best to let them feel respected and that their opinions matter, but at the same time, you are the parent, and YOU have the final say. I wish you the best!

Thank you for the encouraging email.  We have a counseling appt on saturaday..my mother and ex mother in-law  inculded.  Wish us luck.

 Dear Friend,

 

I first want to apologize for taking months to get back on line.  I was surprised to see a reply and very very thankful for your time and kindness. 

 

Shortly after posting this message, I met with a family counselor and attended a meeting (I think al anon) where I received information about enabling.  While my stepson was still living here, I  posted this information on the fridg.  It was the one about being neither kind or unkind but basically doing/not doing things to enable the person's substance abuse.  The counselor I visited also provided me with information on "manipulators" which I think really opened my husbands eyes up with regard to his guilt and how my stepson was using this to manipulate.  Using these materials was ideal  because it was coming from "external resources" and "experts" and not from me. 

 

Unfortunately,  my stepson received a second DUI and is currently on house arrest .  Because I could not allow the house arrest to take place in my home, he had to get his own apartment.  His mom picks up the tab where he falls short on cash (I think she means well but I think her "helping" is going to be my stepsons ultimate demise).  My husband, who owns a construction business employs my step son part-time and to the best of my knowledge my husband does not provide my stepson with any financial support however I think he gets away with a lot more than he might on a job out in the community.  For now though, this has been okay because my stepson and my husband have their "work time" together.  When this is over, my husband is home with us (me and our daughter).  I have asked my husband to only provide him a job throughout his arrest and then get him out of town.

 

At this point I am taking things one day at a time.  If I think too far ahead I get anxious about the "what ifs".  For example, I do have a deep fear of my stepson because during one of his drunkin rages he threatened our lives.  When his house arrest is over, I'm sure this fear will get out of hand, especially if my stepson starts to drink again.

 

You must be an incredible person to work in addiction and rehabilitation!  I have a difficult time understanding addictions and therefore I become judgemental.  I worked for years as a vocational counselor for people with disabilities.  Self-induced disabilities and disabling conditions irked me so much I had to leave the profession.  I could not fathom why these dear souls would purposely harm themselves.  In my stepson's case, I really believe some of his problems are the result of fetal alcohol syndrome.  He is one of the unfortunate people that appear normal, test normal, and yet he can not make sound decisions or problem solve.  He just acts on impulse about 99% of the time.  Although he is 26, he acts like he is about 16. 

 

Anyway, thanks again for your time, thoughts, and wisdom.

 

 

Thank you for the reply. You are right, in time I will accept it more and more, and I am hoping, too, that once we have a baby, it wont matter anymore. My boyfriend has told me the same thing, that he wasn't ready before but now he is, so that helps me. As for the step brother- his mother isn't around and we don't even know who the father is. That's why my boyfriend wants to be there for him. It is comendable on his part; he is very caring. I am now accepting his daughter, but still have trouble dealing with my feelings about that. The boy will listen to my boyfriend, but not me so much. I try to get close to him, but he doesn't want me, he wants my boyfriend, and that only makes it worse. I now dread when we have both kids over- I also feel it is not fair to his daughter. He only gets to see her every other week, and when we have him over, he spends all his time with the boy. I tell my boyfriend how I feel, but it's important to him to stay in this boys life. I know I can't take that away from him. I would like to get him every 3rd or 4th time we get his daughter, but I'm afraid he wants him to visit more than that. I'm just not sure how to tell him I dont want that, without pushing my boyfriend away.

Teenagers have such a hard time the way it is when their parents remarry. I understand what you are going through. My advise for you since you are only in your third month of marriage, is try your hardest not to be a father figure to this boy… He is thinking right now that he already has a father he don’t need you. Let your wife set the rule for her children and stand by her on those. Try to be more of an uncle to your step children. Get to know what they like and don’t like. Do more fun stuff with them. You should only interfere when your wife’s safety or sanity is at stake.

 

I had this same problem with my son and my husband. He stepped into the picture and thought since the boys did not have much of a father growing up, that he should be responsible for that. At the time my oldest was 13 he is now 18. He respects my husband because that is what I expect of him, but he really does not like him much. There is no bond between the two. They never did anything healthy together. They both know what each other cant stand, but they do not have a clue as to what each other really likes or enjoys.

I am currently engaged to be married, we have been together for 3 years.  i have a 13 year old son from my prior marriage.  He does live with his father 80% of the time.  His father and I get along just fine.  My fiance has a 6 year old son and a 21 year old son.  He told me from the get go that his kids and me had to get along or it wasn't going to work, so i have loved and accepted his children.  My problem is that my fiance won't put forth any effort whatsoever to connect with my 13 year old son.  He says my son ignores him and just plays video games.  I told my fiance that he is the adult and he needs to understand that my son is at a very hard stage (emotional and hormonal) of his life and he needs to be able to feel comfortable with my fiance.  This is something that as a parent is eating me up inside.   The reality is that I am not sure if my son would even want to have a relationship with my fiance,  because i can't really get a straight answer from him, but I feel as the adult, my fiance should make some sort of effort.  Am I completely wrong for requesting this from him?????

 I am 24 and have 2 step kids  (12 and 14). I've never been married before so I find being a step mom difficult. Well, I am from a diff. state when I met their dad so I really didn't get a chance to see or get to know them in person. So when i first live with them everything was great, they're so accepting of me and since I don't have work yet I do all the chores that a lady who's unemployed is doing and it's fine by me like that. But after months of doing it I got tired because my step kids are just so messy and it's driving me nuts. It's like a tornado has touched down in our house.  I told my husband about it and he told his kids to pick up after themselves and until now they're still doing the same thing. I'm tired of it and it got to a point where I dont clean the house at all. Just dont know what to do...it's just getting old.....I like them but I'm starting to h**e them.