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Topic : Step-Parenting

Number of Replies: 809
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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May 21, 2008, 1:53 pm CDT

OOPS

Quote From: dottieh

 He maybe shouldnt parent but he sure could back you up.   My Husband referred to me as the policeman but he is the warden.   I arrest and convict and he enforces.    Its a nice set up but you do have to be firm.  But there is no reason why your husband cannot demand that his wife be treated with respect and enforce the rules you set down. 
Sorry this one was in response to they lady with the son and the husband who is the step parent,  thats the dippy in me not paying attention.  Sorry
 
May 21, 2008, 2:04 pm CDT

please refer to hollyfishing

Quote From: itry2bhapy

 I am curious about how much parenting my husband can do with my son?  I know dr. phil says let the bio parent do the parenting and the step parent step back and be more of a friend... however, I grew up in a house with 2 sets of step parents.  My dad step parented my mom's first kids and my mom step parented my dad's first child and then they had me and my brother  together.  Now both my parents acted as parents to each other's kids and things worked out fine.  Now i feel like i want my husband to step up and help me more with my son.  It's half his house so, he should also enforce the household rules...Does anyone else agree?  What wrong can come out of it if my son is complient and respects the idea of it?  It's funny because my son totally respects my hubby.  if my hubby says no, or do this, my son complys big time and won't do it again.  where if i tell him to do something or not to do something he seems to always forget and does it again.  so, whats wrong with getting things our way by having my hubby stepping in?  He thinks it's not his place, i think it is.  so, give me your thoughts, ALL your thoughts, on the matter...Thanks! 
P.S. if dr. phill or robin want to add to this, please do!  lol
I sent a response to a msg posted by  hollyfishing that I meant for you.   I think your husband certainly could back you up.   I never make the rules with my step daughter but I will enforce them when my husband is or is not around.   I dont have to parent so to speak but I also am not a silent observer.  I am his greatest ally and supporter.   and he is mine.  we each had one a piece when we married and then had one together.   So we try to be as consistent as possible.   His daughter gets away with things I will never allow but that is because I am not her mom.    We parent as a team(most of the time)  and that when things are the best.   Children will test parents always,   so its great to have back up when things heat up on the front lines.
 
May 21, 2008, 7:06 pm CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: dottieh

 Wow,  this is what happens when kids are allowed to run the place.   Please be sure I know this is not your doing.    But some of the blame does have to go to your commonlaw.   If my husbands daughter was anything close to that bad it  would have been a deal breaker for me.   You need some professional intervention,  and not for you for them.   This girl has her parents wrapped around her little finger and is very afraid you are going to mess with her set up.  You are the enemy and she will do everything she can to take you out.   The parents have the idea that thier sweet little darling is not the problem,  how could she be she is only 10.   Well never underestimate the mind of a child.   Obviousously,  both mom and dad have the illusion that thier child is blameless and does not need to be disciplined,  or ever told no.   If I were you,  I would decided what I am willing to do or take from him or his daughter and draw the line.  What are you willing to live with?  If the line is crossed,  leave.   You sound like a wonderful woman and deserve better from him and his daughter.    And I say both of them because this is his problem to take care of and his decisions to allow her to be this way is as much a part of the problem as her flawed parenting ideas.   (Kids should sleep in thier own beds,  its better for everyone, especially the parents) but by not fighting back so to speak and allowing these things to continue in his presence,  makes him as responsible as the mother in this childs attitude.     The wonderful thing in this is you,   you want to make a difference but you really cant, God Bless you and your wonderful heart.  This is when being the step parent is at its toughest,  love the best you can when you can.   Just remember that you cant change it and its not reflection on you,  its all on them.   Thier choices, thier decisions and thier consequences.  not yours.
Thank you once again, I actually sat and shed more tears once I read your reply. During her visit tonight I asked them both to sit down and asked her very calmly, " Why did I ask you to stay and watch a movie downstairs the other day." She very chipperly said, "Oh because my hair was to wet to go outside and you waned it to dry some." I looked at her father and said, " Can you tell me how it was that your mother thinks I locked you in the basement?" "Oh I do not know all she said to me was I should not have to aplogize for going to the washroom in my pants as it was not my fault."
They then decided that it was enough talk and time to go bike riding. I have also talked to my daughter whom is a police office and her fear is that I am blamed for something fare worse than what I was. But she was smart enough to document this incident for me. He is a wonderful man but has know idea what parenting really is and how damaging this has been. Tonight after they are home I will see what the results are, but feel that he will once again side with her.
 
May 23, 2008, 9:59 am CDT

Unsure of kids

I am a twenty three year old stepmom to a 7 year old boy and 8 year old girl. We don't see them very often because they live 3 hours away. I get along great with my stepdaughter, but my stepson is another story. He throws tantrums, screams, yells, and embarrasses me to no end in public! I love them both to death, and I do not spank them, so how do I deal with this behavior while my husband is at work? (By the way, he is almost ten years older than me.) I am a full time college student so I don't really have time to read parenting books, I need some help straight up, you know?
 
May 31, 2008, 3:44 am CDT

re: unsure with kids

Quote From: jessicas23

I am a twenty three year old stepmom to a 7 year old boy and 8 year old girl. We don't see them very often because they live 3 hours away. I get along great with my stepdaughter, but my stepson is another story. He throws tantrums, screams, yells, and embarrasses me to no end in public! I love them both to death, and I do not spank them, so how do I deal with this behavior while my husband is at work? (By the way, he is almost ten years older than me.) I am a full time college student so I don't really have time to read parenting books, I need some help straight up, you know?
I think your problem is in your subject line. Kids are very perceptive and know when you don't know. And the only way to solve this is to figure out these kids are a priority and read the books you need to read. As Dr. Phil says, these kids did not ask for you to be in their lives. You and their Dad made that choice and they are stuck with the consequences.

I doubt if there is a one size fits all answer to the tantrums. It depends. Is he upset because he wants to be with his Dad but can't? Is he upset because he wants his Mom? Is he upset because he can't get what he wants? Is he upset because his Mom lets him get everything he wants because she feels guilty (could be the same with Dad) and now you don't cave in?

Put yourself in his shoes and try to figure out why he gets upset, that would help. Then I would not give into his tantrums. I would remain calm, not take it personally and figure out his currency when not in a public place. I would also love on him when he is doing something good. Encourage the good, discourage the bad (without anger).

Pam
 
June 3, 2008, 4:15 pm CDT

single mom of two trying to get him to see

 I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and as the years go on he is getting more and more distance from the kids. I try to get him to do anything with the kids but everytime I say anything I'm pushing and being a "B". I'm just getting tired of being their mom and his girlfriend. Is there anyone out there that can help me PLEASE???? The kids and my boyfriend love to do all the samethings, so is there any hope????
 
June 3, 2008, 9:40 pm CDT

need advice

I have a 5 yr old step daughter, she has ADHD   Me and my husband have had physical custody of her for almost 6 months now.  I also have 2 children of my own, my daughter is 6 and my son is 2,  but what I need advice on is how to deal with someone else's child, especially when they have ADHD i mean, i have never had to deal with anything like this 

 

if u have any advice for me plz reply

 

Thanx,

Christina

 
June 6, 2008, 8:23 pm CDT

take time to see her needs too

Quote From: christinamc

I have a 5 yr old step daughter, she has ADHD   Me and my husband have had physical custody of her for almost 6 months now.  I also have 2 children of my own, my daughter is 6 and my son is 2,  but what I need advice on is how to deal with someone else's child, especially when they have ADHD i mean, i have never had to deal with anything like this 

 

if u have any advice for me plz reply

 

Thanx,

Christina

 Your step daughter might need a way to get some of her feelings out without you getting on to her. Give her a coloring pad and let her draw, write a storie, or just go crazy with making air planes; but one thing you need to remember is not to look at it unless she lets you. If you give her a little space to go crazy and show her that she has a free time (like and hour or alittle longer) she will calm down in the area you need her to. Let her run outside and time her tell her it's a game to see if she can get faster. Or if you have the tim put her in a sport or two; your other kids may ejoy being in one too. 
 
June 17, 2008, 4:46 pm CDT

mom and dad

 so i   need your help my mom and dad are fiteing bad and i want to help them so you can hlep me or put them on your show that could be gate so text back PLAESE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
June 19, 2008, 9:22 am CDT

What to do when the natural parent wants to escape parenting.

Between my husband and I, we each have daughters from previous relationships. My daughter who is only six is of course with us. Our other daughter who is fourteen lives with her mother. But just recently, her mother wants to send her to stay with us permanently now that she cannot handle disciplining her. I have always been open to the idea of having her visit with us and stay for the summer but now her mother wants it to be permanent. Bottom line, we can't afford it. We just don't have the resources and the ability to nurture her for an extended time. Plus, everything will fall on me. My husband has not even considered that. He thinks that I'm not being supportive and that I don't like our 14yr old. But that's not the case. I love her as if she were my own but I know that we cannot financially support having her live with us nor can I do everything. I told him that he has to help with her and everything else. We both have full time jobs. My parents have always taken care of our six year old when I worked but I don't feel that they should be the ones to take care and babysit our 14yr old. I have wrestled with this for many nights until now and I need advice. Am I making more out of it then I need? Should I just chill on this? I don't think so. What about my feelings and the stress that it is causing me? I've already suffered two miscarriages in the past seven months. My doctor says that I need rest, but how can I get it? There is a lot of background history in this situation but this is just were we are now. My husband and the mother were never married nor was I with my daughter’s father. My husband expects me to step in as the mother and do everything. I mean everything. All he does is go to work, come home to play his playstation, and sleeps. I have a fulltime job, I take care of the house, pay the bills, and spend time with the kids. I told him how I felt and that I was against her staying with us and he thinks that I don't like her. But he doesn't have a clue. I do love her but I can't be her mother. Her mother is alive and well and is just trying to escape her parental responsibilities so that she can party. I could see it if she was dead and her daughter didn't have anywhere to go. She still has her mother and her grandmother plus other relatives. We live two hours away from her other family so there isn't anyone else close by. I don't mind her coming for the summer and visiting on the weekends but I can't be her full-time mother. Am I wrong? My husband certainly thinks so...   

 
 
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