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Topic : Step-Parenting

Number of Replies: 809
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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June 20, 2008, 12:23 pm CDT

you are right

Quote From: jaimie1974

They are always going to be your children. You are always going to be their mother. Your boyfriend. . . . He is always going to be . . . . You fill in the blank.
What do you mean when you say I'm just getting tired of being their mom and his girlfriend I dont understand what that statement means. Your children need and deserve mom to be there for emotional support and to be involved in their lives; your children should be the priority in your life. If your boyfriend doesnt want to be involved in activities with you and the kids, then it is his loss. I think it is wrong of your boyfriend to call you a b simply because you are asking him to be involved with the kids! It isnt just wrong, it is mean. Youve been dating him for three years, and he has become LESS involved as the years have passed. That means if this pattern stays the same, he will be completely disconnected from them soon, and where will you be?
You are strong enough to demand the respect that you deserve from your boyfriend. Dont think that you dont deserve it, or make other excuses for the way that he is. Your children need and deserve a healthy, happy life - but the only way they are going to have that is if they have a happy, healthy mother. I urge you to learn how to make that happen for them and for you. I wish you the best! P.S. If he wants to disconnect from your children, it is his loss!

What I mean to that statement is, I feel torn between them and never a whole, it's where one weekend I'm his girlfriend the next I'm their mom. There is no time that we are a family. My daughter and my boyfriend were very close untill this year and now she feels like she lost another father ( my ex-husband has little to nothing to do with my kids because of his girlfriend doesn't like them around she believes it takes way from her kids). My boyfriends problem is from his friends not having kids and telling him that he has no relationship to my kids so for then he shouldn't do anything with them. I'm starting to think it might be time to say goodbye and give all of me back to being just a mom.

 
June 20, 2008, 12:32 pm CDT

torn

Quote From: aejones

Between my husband and I, we each have daughters from previous relationships. My daughter who is only six is of course with us. Our other daughter who is fourteen lives with her mother. But just recently, her mother wants to send her to stay with us permanently now that she cannot handle disciplining her. I have always been open to the idea of having her visit with us and stay for the summer but now her mother wants it to be permanent. Bottom line, we can't afford it. We just don't have the resources and the ability to nurture her for an extended time. Plus, everything will fall on me. My husband has not even considered that. He thinks that I'm not being supportive and that I don't like our 14yr old. But that's not the case. I love her as if she were my own but I know that we cannot financially support having her live with us nor can I do everything. I told him that he has to help with her and everything else. We both have full time jobs. My parents have always taken care of our six year old when I worked but I don't feel that they should be the ones to take care and babysit our 14yr old. I have wrestled with this for many nights until now and I need advice. Am I making more out of it then I need? Should I just chill on this? I don't think so. What about my feelings and the stress that it is causing me? I've already suffered two miscarriages in the past seven months. My doctor says that I need rest, but how can I get it? There is a lot of background history in this situation but this is just were we are now. My husband and the mother were never married nor was I with my daughters father. My husband expects me to step in as the mother and do everything. I mean everything. All he does is go to work, come home to play his playstation, and sleeps. I have a fulltime job, I take care of the house, pay the bills, and spend time with the kids. I told him how I felt and that I was against her staying with us and he thinks that I don't like her. But he doesn't have a clue. I do love her but I can't be her mother. Her mother is alive and well and is just trying to escape her parental responsibilities so that she can party. I could see it if she was dead and her daughter didn't have anywhere to go. She still has her mother and her grandmother plus other relatives. We live two hours away from her other family so there isn't anyone else close by. I don't mind her coming for the summer and visiting on the weekends but I can't be her full-time mother. Am I wrong? My husband certainly thinks so...   

 

Tell your husband this will be for a trial period and that ya'll need to go to court and get child support from the mother to help pay for the 14yr old. Also tell him he is the one that needs to look for who will care for his daughter before and after school just like you did for your own child. he needs to be the one lokking for and after his own child. Did u ever ask him to be the one to care full time for your child? Did he have to pay for everything your child needed? Then make atleast one of her( the 14yr olds) parents step up and be a parent!!!!!

 
June 23, 2008, 8:06 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: brykoda

Tell your husband this will be for a trial period and that ya'll need to go to court and get child support from the mother to help pay for the 14yr old. Also tell him he is the one that needs to look for who will care for his daughter before and after school just like you did for your own child. he needs to be the one lokking for and after his own child. Did u ever ask him to be the one to care full time for your child? Did he have to pay for everything your child needed? Then make atleast one of her( the 14yr olds) parents step up and be a parent!!!!!

Thank you for the advice. We have had another talk. It was more like a fight though. He finally agreed but it wasn't easy. I think he has some resentment towards me now. He did admit that he didn't think about this before he made the decision though. So, I guess that's progress huh?? He's already paying child support and we also do a little extra for her when we can. I told him that it's our fault that her mother isn't doing what she should with the money. Before, he had the nerves to tell me that I do a lot for my six year old. I told him that he was exactly right. I'm her mother and I'm supposed to take care of her. I was doing it before her was in the picture and I will continue. Especially since I can't get a dime from her natural father whose no were to be found. Some days I wonder... I really do... Thanks again for lending your eye's...
 
June 30, 2008, 4:21 am CDT

Sharing an outing with my ex for the sake of the child

Hi, i have a child with my ex and i am now married and he is not
My ex and i broke up 5yrs ago.
Would it be right to take our child together to the zoo so that we can give him the feeling of being with both his parents.
 
July 7, 2008, 11:31 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: velie1

Hi, i have a child with my ex and i am now married and he is not
My ex and i broke up 5yrs ago.
Would it be right to take our child together to the zoo so that we can give him the feeling of being with both his parents.
Hmm...do you mean just you and your ex with your child?  If that's the case, how does you husband feel about this?  I am in the shoes of your husband.  My hubby shares a child with his ex who is single, and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if he went on an outing with his ex and his child without bringing me alone.  Don't get me wrong...I think it's important that he and his ex can be together with the child so that the child can have the feeling of being with both his parents.  But the two of them spending time together without me in the picture just seems unncecessary and inappropriate to me.  If your husband has no problem with you and your ex taking the child on an outing, then I'd say it would be okay.  But you have to take your husband's feelings into account as well.  If he feels like it is inappropriate, why don't all four of you take the child on outings?  After all, your husband is the child's stepdad and is also an important role model for you child.  I think it would be very beneficial for all of you to be able spend time together as one family unit.
 
July 10, 2008, 6:04 am CDT

Still there

Quote From: doddlebug43

My problem is my 27 year old stepson is living outside in the backyard in a camper. He does nothing, doesn't work, has a 3 year old his mother is raising and basically expects everyone to give him everything he needs or asks for. His father and I pay for him to have electricity and cable "because he needs it". He constantly asks for money, which my husband doesn't refuse. He has a truck of his own but can't drive it now because the insurance has run out and his mother will not renew it (I can't blame her) and it has a flat tire that he won't fix. My husbands family has always "given" him everything. He's been in trouble with the law and guess who had to bale him out? We did the first time but his aunt has the rest of the times he's been in trouble because we can't afford it. I have talked until I'm blue in the face to his father about him and all I get is "You're right, I know" But he never talks to him about getting a job or moving. He's stayed with everybody else in the family but they have all thrown him out, even his mother and her boyfriend. I have two children from a previous marriage, one 23 yrs old whom works and contributes to the household, and a 17 year old whom still attends high school and works. If he worked a regular job I would have no problem with him staying. Our bank account is just about to hit rock bottom and I stay frustrated all the time because nobody seems to care. I have told him he had to get a job and keep it or he would be living without all the comforts of home and have even disconnected his cable and electricity. But of course, he wines and it gets hooked backup again. I'm beginning to think my only alternative is for me and my children to move, maybe then everybody will be happy. I've always told my children "if you need help, you have to help yourself first". However, I have lived with a different view from my husbands family for 14 years now, "Hold out your hand and I'll fill it up!" Does any other people have this problem? I'd like to know and please, I need some advice.
And the update..........He's still there. And everythings the same. My logic with this is: I ignore him and act like he's not there. Cause he's not going anywhere and my husband's blinders are still on. I've just learned to deal with it. It's either be ill all the time or just put it out of my mind. Maybe one day he'll grow up. I doubt it though!
 
July 10, 2008, 4:08 pm CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: christinamc

I have a 5 yr old step daughter, she has ADHD   Me and my husband have had physical custody of her for almost 6 months now.  I also have 2 children of my own, my daughter is 6 and my son is 2,  but what I need advice on is how to deal with someone else's child, especially when they have ADHD i mean, i have never had to deal with anything like this 

 

if u have any advice for me plz reply

 

Thanx,

Christina

Christina,

 

i am a mother of a 16 year old boy who was diagnosed with adhd at a very young age. it's very hard to get others to understand the disease and how to react. my advice would be to get as much information on adhd as you can. the internet is a great resource. also contact local counselors for information and advice. check your area for support groups; these are very helpful. talking with other parents with children with the same problems helps you not feel so alone. when i remarried 41/2 years ago, my husband had no idea how to handle my son. a child with adhd can have the same rules, however the way you discipline them may have to differ. this was especially difficult for my stepchildren to understand. children with adhd require more 1:1 attention for behavior and also for school work. my husband's parents have never come around. they still see my son as intrusive and have no desire to have him around. understand not everyone will share your love for this child. my husband and my son are not close and tend to keep their distance.

 

sincerely

Tammie

 
July 17, 2008, 6:11 am CDT

STEPSONS

My story. I am maried to a wonderful man for 5 yrs.  I have 2 sons 14 and 11. And He has 2 sons 16 and 15. My stepsons mother died (will be 2 yrs in OCT) They have been living with us ever since  Before she died we have been fighting custody for them. Did not get them. But now under the situation we do.

 His boys have such a hard time listening to me. The father says they are been just kids.  You can the difference . They stay up all night. Dont take baths. Cuss   My boys don't do that. How can get over his boys timadating me and how doI get them tocalm down. How I get them  from overtaking the house.  I was not raised to all this conflict / I can not handle it.

 
July 19, 2008, 6:56 am CDT

Step-children

My story, the short version.  I have been married to my new husband for 2 years. He has 2 boys, 8 and 16. I have 2 kids, son 14 and daughter 24.  Problem is his 2 boys. They are pushing me to the limit and I dont know how much longer I can take it.  In the beginning the boys were great, now they are my nightmares.  Neither of his boys have any ambition at all.  They will stay up on the computer until 3 or 4 in the morning then sleep all day.  Let me add that my husband lost his oldest boy 3 years ago to lukemia, he would be 18 now.  My husband does not make them do anything.  The 16 year old was held back in 8th grade because of failing grades. He has to take english and science again because of failing grades.  I tell my husband to take things away that he enjoys but my husband states: taking those away wont make him pass school".  There is no discipline with my husband.  The 8 year old is extremely rude, mean, annoying and just a brat.  The boys mother just left them after the oldest son passed.  She just walked out.  She tells the 8 year old that he doesnt have to do anything I tell him to do because I'm not his mom.  THe boys have absolutely no accountability whatsoever and my husband wont do anything either.  If I wasnt so far in debt, i would leave him.  Please anyone help

 
July 30, 2008, 4:23 pm CDT

The dreaded "EX"

Long story short, I met my husband and three children (2 girls and a boy) in 1999. The divorce between him and his ex wife went on for a year before I came into the picture. It was final for about a month when I met him.  The problem was, even though she walked out on 3 kids.. ages 8, 6 and 3, she felt that she should not be responsible for them at all.. no child support and "visitations" when it was convenient for her. Everything was fine while we were dating and still was ok when I moved in, but when I found out that I was pregnant, it hit the fan.  Then a few months later, we got married.  During the time we were dating and I moved in, she never picked up the kids for visitations, nor did she pay the court required child support of 200 dollars. She did, however, call and scream at my hubby about not paying her 50 dollars that they settled on for her part of the equity in the house. (It was 5,000 total). I couldnt' believe that the person with the kids was having to pay the other party money when he had the kids full time without any support from her. ?? It only got worse, years later, when the AG's office told her that her child support was going to be raised, we had a nightmare court hearing.. The woman has no ambition at all.. Her total income was 12,000 per year.. so her parents also had to support her... in the hearing, I was made out to be a monster of a step mother, which is totally untrue. She truly messed with the kids heads, saying that they didnt have to mind me, I was white trash, and that I was the reason that she and my hubby were no longer together.. to name a few. She constantly paraded men in and out of the apartment when they were there. We were concerned that one of those men would hurt the older two or at least the influence of her mom acting like that.. meeting a guy at a bar and taking them home wasn't a proper influence. Ok. well after the hell of a court hearing, she went nuts (or even further off the deep end). She moved out of her 2 bedroom apartment that she claimed we "made her get", and into a 1 room hotel room with a "convicted felon' named Charlie. She immediately refused to give us her number to contact the kids and stopped paying child support. The kids were involved in wrecks with injuires, and all sorts of problems, but she refused to acknowledge that she needed to at least contact their father to tell them, even though they lived with him full time. She promised them the moon, about Charlie getting his inheritance and them going to live with her. She truly did a number on them, so needless to say, they refused to behave at home with us. They acted out, did whatever they wanted and truly gave us a hard time, thinking if they misbehaved, they could go live with "mommy". Well, the cops caught up with Charlie, he was sent back to the pen, Annette moved out of the hotel and "found" an apartment thinking we would allow this crap to continue. We had already found another attorney and stopped her visitations until she got her crap together and went to counseling.  She was over 7,000 dollars behind in chlld support and medical support, so when we had a court date, she decided that she just wanted to sign over her rights to them. After the court hearing, we allowed her mother and the ex to come and pick up the kids for a few days. Our intention was to NEVER take the kids away from their mother, but felt that she needed supervised visitations and trusted her Mom. BIG mistake. It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We explained to her mom that now that my hubby has total custody, he controls the shots and did not want the kids to be left alone with their mother for the time being. She was caught not following our wishes.... we have given her many chances... and the real problem is that the only time their mother sees them is when their grandmother was down visiting from her home 9 hours away.. so it truly confused the kids. She would act like she just saw them yesterday and didnt ignore their birthdays or christmas... She would also go back to her old ways of doing things, talking crap about me and their daddy, trying to influence them to misbehave and give us a hard time, hoping she could get them back?? She also told the kids that her giving them up was a lie.. so here we have 3 kids that are COMPLETELY confused.  We gave her mom and her the option, either come see them here or not have their mom involved in the visitations. If they cannot understand what they were doing to the kids, then they would have to be separte until they wanted to think of the kids first and themselves last.  The kids grandmother makes the trip down here once or twice a year, sometimes more, but the kids have not seen nor heard from their mother in over 2 years. Now here's the problem,. Their mother has their stuff. She always refused to let them take their things back and forth as they wished and went as far as to search their backpacks and purses before they left. A large portion of the stuff is what they received from their grandparents and ourselves included.. and not her. She never had any money and often gave the IOU's for christmas presents. The kids have been talking about getting their stuff for the last 2 years. During the visitations with their grandmother, they were afraid to ask about getting their belongings until very recently. I told them that if they wanted their stuff, then to ask their grandma and she can get it for them. If it's gone, then they have to let go of it.. it's just materialistic stuff after all, but still important to them. For the first time, we allowed the kids to go back to the grandmothers home 9 hours away and so far so good. I'm leery of the fact that they have now planned to go "visit" mommy and get their stuff because she still has some of it. I do not want to keep these children from their mother, but from word of mouth, we have only heard that she is still talking crap about us not "letting" her see her kids...when she has not once in the last 2 years, made any attempt to call, write or contact them in anyway. The source is very reliable... my husband has known her since they went to school together in the 2nd grade and all through school. She saw her at an event in the town she lives in near Austin, and talked to her briefly, stating that she was once again with a loser guy who was at least 20 years older than her. (which is her issue, we never held that against her).. I do not want to go back to this drama ridden life we had before and my husband swears that he will not allow her to do that because she no longer has a "hold" over the kids because she gave them up... but I think she does.. She uses their love for her to mess with us and it's sickening. I do think she has a hold over them because she is their mother and even as twisted and psychotic that she is, that's something that can never be changed or "wiped away". Now these are no longer children, they are 17, almost 16, and almost 14. I dont want to deal with it, but I fear the fall out from all of her crap...She does this and then we have the fall out for years with the kids! Our oldest will be a senior this year and has asked me to walk with her on parent night, but wants to invite her mom to her graduation. I'm still very leery about it all. So is my hubby... but he thinks things will be different... Its really hard for me to trust when all of this has happened.. and it's not as if it's just anybody, these are the kids I have raised as my own for years.... I dont want them to be hurt...  Does anybody have any ideas???  HELP!??!!!!
 
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