Topic : Step-Parenting
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February 4, 2008, 10:48 am PST
 Quote From: smiley_face I am 24 and have 2 step kids (12 and 14). I've never been married before so I find being a step mom difficult. Well, I am from a diff. state when I met their dad so I really didn't get a chance to see or get to know them in person. So when i first live with them everything was great, they're so accepting of me and since I don't have work yet I do all the chores that a lady who's unemployed is doing and it's fine by me like that. But after months of doing it I got tired because my step kids are just so messy and it's driving me nuts. It's like a tornado has touched down in our house. I told my husband about it and he told his kids to pick up after themselves and until now they're still doing the same thing. I'm tired of it and it got to a point where I dont clean the house at all. Just dont know what to do...it's just getting old.....I like them but I'm starting to h**e them. His kids are being disrespectful to you. By accepting their behavior, continuing to clean and/or not saying a word about it, your step kids get the message that it is fine with you to be treated this way. You’ve talked to your husband, but have you talked with your step kids about this? My advice to you would be to talk to them, one on one. Do this separately, don’t have both the kids together when you talk to them. Just say, “Hey ‘step child,’ I want to talk to you for a few minutes. Lets sit down. (Here, you begin with some compliments; this is so that your basic message gets processed before they can be defensive or rude.) I think you are a very intelligent young man, you have many good qualities and I feel lucky to get to know you better. Because I am not working right now, I don’t mind doing household chores, but I need for you to help out, too. This is out of respect for your home and for other people who live here. (The child might begin to get defensive, do your best to NOT defend yourself, focus on staying on the topic; if they bring up a different comment/concern, you can say something like, “we’ll talk about that after I’m done, let me finish this first.” Continue on with something like, “This isn’t just you, it is also your brother/sister, I’m going to ask the same thing of him/her. I know that there are times when you just don’t feel like cleaning up, and I understand that; we all feel lazy sometimes! I am just asking you to have some respect for me, for your home, and for the other people living here. Do you have any questions?” Perhaps there are specific rewards you can give the kids when they’ve done a good job, and if they don’t listen to you at all or if they are disrespectful, there should be consequences that their father implements. I urge you to speak to them yourself because this is building individual relationships with them. Also, they might be more inclined to listen to you as opposed to dad because when dad tells them to do something, its just different. You are going to them, trying to be kind and gentle, and stating your case. This is reasonable and rational. I wish you the best! |
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February 4, 2008, 12:42 pm PST
Quote From: jaimie1974 His kids are being disrespectful to you. By accepting their behavior, continuing to clean and/or not saying a word about it, your step kids get the message that it is fine with you to be treated this way. Youve talked to your husband, but have you talked with your step kids about this? My advice to you would be to talk to them, one on one. Do this separately, dont have both the kids together when you talk to them. Just say, Hey step child, I want to talk to you for a few minutes. Lets sit down. (Here, you begin with some compliments; this is so that your basic message gets processed before they can be defensive or rude.) I think you are a very intelligent young man, you have many good qualities and I feel lucky to get to know you better. Because I am not working right now, I dont mind doing household chores, but I need for you to help out, too. This is out of respect for your home and for other people who live here. (The child might begin to get defensive, do your best to NOT defend yourself, focus on staying on the topic; if they bring up a different comment/concern, you can say something like, well talk about that after Im done, let me finish this first. Continue on with something like, This isnt just you, it is also your brother/sister, Im going to ask the same thing of him/her. I know that there are times when you just dont feel like cleaning up, and I understand that; we all feel lazy sometimes! I am just asking you to have some respect for me, for your home, and for the other people living here. Do you have any questions? Perhaps there are specific rewards you can give the kids when theyve done a good job, and if they dont listen to you at all or if they are disrespectful, there should be consequences that their father implements. I urge you to speak to them yourself because this is building individual relationships with them. Also, they might be more inclined to listen to you as opposed to dad because when dad tells them to do something, its just different. You are going to them, trying to be kind and gentle, and stating your case. This is reasonable and rational. I wish you the best! Girl... I love your answer to this new step mom, are you a councelor of some kind? I would have told her to talk to her husband about having a family meeting. talk to her husband about what you want to accomplish in the meeting and have solutionsto the problems. there is only one major rule to this and youneed to make it clear to everyone involved, Things are not being said to hurt or blame and that if you feel hurt it needs to be said then. so you can find solutions and move forward. Any thing said in the meeting is not to be used to hurt others after the meeting is over. I have family meetings with my children all the time and it helps with communication with them. They know that I am opening to their input, They also can talk to each other, When they need to say something theyll say it in a polite but firm way without hurting the other person. My children were young when I started these meetings and they know now that if they have something to say that they can call a family meeting when they feel we need one. After a meeting the kids are so wonderful to each other and respects the other more for being honest and caring at the same time. NO ONE LEAVES THE MEETING MAD! everyone understands one another and harmony is restored in my household. With solutions to live by not faults. Well, hope this works, Oh I forgot have incentives for them and have them be apart of their incentives and consequences. That way they know thier responsibilities.
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February 11, 2008, 8:45 am PST
I am going to try and make this as short as possible, but I really need some input here. I met my husband and his daughter approx. 10 years ago. Things were great then. She was almost four and her mother and I got along well. My husband and I had some problems and we went our separate ways for a bit. (I was 19 then. That is kind of self explanatory). We worked things out and lived together for about 6 years before we finally got married. In the mean time he had to go to court (while we were apart) and get visitation because the mother was using him as a babysitter and he never had regular visits. She made accusations of alcohol abuse and he was automatically given very limited visitation and a vague court order that law enforcement officials could not enforce! Several things have happened over the past years and just to name a few, one week he would only be able to see his child if he did chores for her mother and he was only allowed to see her while he did the chores. Another week it was because we had clothes or gifts for her that were at our home and she was not allowed to come unless they were brought to their house. Her reasoning was that the child was not there often or long enough to get use out of the items that would be at our home. There was one weekend when the mother called me and told me that the child wanted to come to my house instead of her dads (we were separated for a month or so at the time) I told her fine and took the child for the weekend along with her younger sister (the mother is now married to another man). While I had the child she asked me why her daddy did not want to see her. Come to find out she had told my husband that his daughter did not want to come over and then told the child that he did not want her to come over that weekend. Moving on to the present, My husband has reenlisted in the army. We are now a few states away and we have seen her like 5 times in two years. (the two years prior to his commitment to the army). Now they are trying to make him feel guilty for his decision to do this and they are treating me as if I am a villain. The truth of the matter is that he was not even going to tell them what his plans were. It was me that convinced him that at least her mother needed to know what was going on. We saw her several times over the two weeks before he shipped out for training and things were actually great. Now that we are here they have found every reason in the world to criticize me and make me this vicious person. They are telling him that he cannot see her unless I am not with him during the visit. I think that this is wrong in so many ways. What should we do? I know that she is old enough to make some of the visitation choices herself as she is about to be 14 but she has been put in a tough spot not knowing her father and only hearing about him what her mother has to say. Can anyone give me some advice?
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February 12, 2008, 7:23 pm PST
Well I will try to keep this short. I am 39 with no kids and last may 2007 my 3 step kids came to live with us. This is how it all came about. We came back from South Korea in Oct 06, then recruiter school ( in South Carolina) from Nov-Dec, then off to Dallas in late Dec 06. By May of 07 his ex-had all three of the kids on the plane. I don't know how many of ya'll know how much recruiting takes of a soldiers time, all I can tell you is that you never know when they will come home, and are up and gone before everyone wakes up. Needless to say I am raising his kids, with NO help ( I have never had a child of my own). To make it even harder we moved to our home town so we could get the kids out of the Dallas school district, but he still works in the Dallas area, so there are nights that he can't even come home now. I am seeing that I am loosing it with the kids, and I have looked on the Internet to find some sort of resource for step-moms(who have no kids) and I can not find anything out there. Please if there is any info out there please let me know,, I am sinking,,,,I need help!!!! |
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February 17, 2008, 11:56 am PST
Dear: Dr. Phil, Im desperate for advise, my mom and step-dad got married in 2005, my mom including myself has 6 kids from a previous marriage, all ranging from ages 18 to 29, my step-dad has two sons from a previous marriage, the youngest son is currently living with his mother and the oldest who is 25 lives with us and has been since New Years day, my brothers are currently living with my biological dad, my one sister is married, has a baby and lives out of town, my other sister the youngest of the six of us bounces back and forth from one parent to the other. The reason why my step-brother had to move in with us is because his aggressive behavior got the better of him and on New Years Eve he beat up his brother and trashed his brothers car, and then got put in jail, well instead of doing the right thing and leaving him in there for a day or two to make him learn his lesson his dad bailed him out right away and didn't tell my mom he was staying with us until the day after he moved in. Knowing of my step-brothers aggressive past and fearing that he would use his aggression on this family my mom told my step-dad at the begginning of their marriage that my step-brother was not to move in with us, and my step-dad lied straight to her face and said that would never happen, but two years here he is living with us. He does nothing but sleep most of the day away, and when he's awake he's either smoking pot , tying up the phone line for three hours everyday and in the afternoon and evening he watches hockey or whatever movie he can find and when his dad comes home from work he picks verbal fights with him. The summer before my mom and step-dad got married my step-dad was living with my step-brother during that time my step-brother beat my step-dad up, stole his car and trashed it. immediatley after that happened my step-brother moved in with his mom, and my step-dad put his apartment moved in with family members until the marriage to my mom. What frustrates me is since my step-brother has moved in with us there has been nothing but negative tension throughout the family and especially in my mom's relationship with my step-dad. They used to enjoy spending time together but now that he's in the mix the negative energy in the house has put their married on Jagged edged rocks. My step-brother does not work and when he does can't keep a job, his parents have bailed him out of every mess, and he has a violent disposition about him. My mom has constant nightmares about him beating us up in the middle of the night and has asked my step-dad to kick him out but my step-dad makes up all these lame-brained excuses why he can't kick him out, too many to even explain them all. I know that in a marriage the children always come first but Im afraid that if my step-dad doesn't put the feelings of my mom before his son that their once happy marriage will very soon be over. And my mom will have to try to find a house to rent that allows us to keep 2 dogs and two cats and where we live it is impossible to find such a place and we don't have any family near by that are willing to look after them until we can find our own place to live. I personally don't want to move again because we've allready moved about 25 times and to move again would be torture in my opinion but if we have to move away again for my mom to be happy I will try to live with that decision as long as we could live somewhere where we could still keep our pets thats fine with me. Im confused, about the whole situation but if my step-dad wont listen to my mom, should it be upto my siblings and I to step in and tell my step-dad about the stress he is putting my mom through by letting my step-brother live here. I need help. Either there needs to be a family intervention or my mom's marriage will come to an abrupt end Im not making a threat and not insinuating that there be violence (no way)Im not like that, Im just thinking that something needs to be done to help this family through the negative tension so we can finally be able to get back to living a positive life together. Im not really good at writing letters or stories when Im stressed out but I hope you can take important pieces of this letter and try your best to help this family with our current situation. Thankyou. Take Care. Jan from Canada |
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February 21, 2008, 8:03 pm PST
My husband and I started dating when his ex-girlfriend was still pregnant. When he first started asking me out I kept saying no because he was having a child with another woman. He was very persistent and I finally gave in which I am very happy for now because he is the love of my life and we are very happy together. So over 2 years have passed and my step-daughter will be 2 years old in April. I've had an EXTREMELY hard time dealing with this whole situation. It's very hard for me still to accept the fact that he has a child with someone else. I think my biggest problem is that I feel like I will be losing out on our first time together having a child because well, he's already done it all. I know he never got to experience the whole pregnancy or anything but he was in the delivery room with her and all that which is still hard for me to get over. It's also hard for me to look at his daughter and see him and her all in one because I feel it should be me and him all in one. We don't see her very often because we moved from the Province (Canada) we were in because we couldn't afford to buy a house there. He sees her more often, not a lot, but more often because he still works out that way and trys to pick her up as often as he can. And this of course poses another problem for me because it bothers me still that he has to see his ex when he goes to pick her up. Through the beginning of this all I hated every minute of it, I'll admit it. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this child and hated when it was his turn to have her and you can even say that I almost hated his daughter. I know it's terrible, I can't believe I think this way. I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I've gotten better but I still have a far way to go. Maybe it's just that I am very jealous of his ex for having his baby and for lighting up his parents lives with something that I never gave them. And of course the ex has given us enough problems of our own. She stayed friends with some of his friends wives and she's been at their weddings with us too which is very irritating. And she also knew before me that my husband was going to propose because when he went to pick his daughter up she saw the engagement ring. She asked him whose it was and he said his so she went blabbing to everybody about it and they all knew before I did. And also, half the time we try to get his daughter, we're told "no" even though we pay a good amount of child support every month and have never missed once. I don't know, am I being totally silly here? Sometimes I think that maybe I was too young getting into this although I don't think I'm that young. I'm 24 and my husband is 27. It's just that so many people are older, getting into families where the kids are already teenagers and I think that makes a big difference. Also, like I said we started dating when she was still pregnant which may have been a mistake of mine because I had to go through all of that with him plus having a new born baby in our hands right from the get-go. My husband is great and tries to support me the best way he can but we constantly fight over this and I am constantly crying over it all. And, he doesn't totally "get" how I'm feeling and how different things are on my side. I've gone to counselling already and it's helped a bit but not enough cause I still find myself thinking about the past constantly and eventually get so upset that I just snap. I still get annoyed or mad when I know she is coming to stay with us for a few days and it takes me quite awhile to warm up to her. I know I'm being awful and selfish but I do not know how to stop! I know that I can love this little girl, I just don't know how to get there. Somebody please help me do this. Thank-you! |
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February 21, 2008, 8:32 pm PST
Quote From: fragilebeauty Thank you for the reply. You are right, in time I will accept it more and more, and I am hoping, too, that once we have a baby, it wont matter anymore. My boyfriend has told me the same thing, that he wasn't ready before but now he is, so that helps me. As for the step brother- his mother isn't around and we don't even know who the father is. That's why my boyfriend wants to be there for him. It is comendable on his part; he is very caring. I am now accepting his daughter, but still have trouble dealing with my feelings about that. The boy will listen to my boyfriend, but not me so much. I try to get close to him, but he doesn't want me, he wants my boyfriend, and that only makes it worse. I now dread when we have both kids over- I also feel it is not fair to his daughter. He only gets to see her every other week, and when we have him over, he spends all his time with the boy. I tell my boyfriend how I feel, but it's important to him to stay in this boys life. I know I can't take that away from him. I would like to get him every 3rd or 4th time we get his daughter, but I'm afraid he wants him to visit more than that. I'm just not sure how to tell him I dont want that, without pushing my boyfriend away. I just posted my problems with my husbands daughter, I feel the exact same way as you do. Wish I could help you out but I'm in the same boat and don't know what to do. But I must say, I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this! |
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February 26, 2008, 7:46 am PST
Quote From: dillin I just posted my problems with my husbands daughter, I feel the exact same way as you do. Wish I could help you out but I'm in the same boat and don't know what to do. But I must say, I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this! Thank you so much for posting your story. It sounds like you and I share alot of the same feeling, and it is really good to know I am not the only women who feels this way. I can relate to everything you said. I love my boyfriend so much. We are talking about marriage and starting a family of our own- I am 23 and he is 29. Our relationship would be perfect, if only he didn't have a daughter. I am a good person, but I have such horrible thought and resentment. I know it's horrible to say but I dread when she comes over. Part of me wishes she wouldn't want to come visit and that we could just move on and start our own family. My boyfreind was in the delivery room when she was born, and I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does! I feel robbed and feel like he has already expereinced what I feel is a specail moment. I keep telling myself that over time, I will accept it, but even after a year, I feel the same way and feel that it is just a hassle to get her every other weekend. I thought that once I have a baby, it will make things better, but I don't know. Even when he mentions her name, I feel this anxiety. She has alot of my boyfreinds features and when I look at her, its just a reminder that its HIS daughter and NOT MINE or OURS. I also wonder when he looks at her, if he sees her mother in her. How can we accept the things we can't change??!! |
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February 26, 2008, 10:14 am PST
Quote From: fragilebeauty Thank you so much for posting your story. It sounds like you and I share alot of the same feeling, and it is really good to know I am not the only women who feels this way. I can relate to everything you said. I love my boyfriend so much. We are talking about marriage and starting a family of our own- I am 23 and he is 29. Our relationship would be perfect, if only he didn't have a daughter. I am a good person, but I have such horrible thought and resentment. I know it's horrible to say but I dread when she comes over. Part of me wishes she wouldn't want to come visit and that we could just move on and start our own family. My boyfreind was in the delivery room when she was born, and I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does! I feel robbed and feel like he has already expereinced what I feel is a specail moment. I keep telling myself that over time, I will accept it, but even after a year, I feel the same way and feel that it is just a hassle to get her every other weekend. I thought that once I have a baby, it will make things better, but I don't know. Even when he mentions her name, I feel this anxiety. She has alot of my boyfreinds features and when I look at her, its just a reminder that its HIS daughter and NOT MINE or OURS. I also wonder when he looks at her, if he sees her mother in her. How can we accept the things we can't change??!! Your story is really helping me in the sense that I don't feel like the only crazy person here! I feel like getting my husband and showing him what you wrote so he would realize I'm not the only one. He thinks I should be over everything already. He understood when it bothered me in the beginning but he figured it would all be over within a few months or something! But as far a I'm concerned, it will always bother me, and it might always bother you. These kids are never going to go away and we have no choice but to accept them, some how. Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor? When I went to mine she taught me how to look towards the future and not the past and how to look at this child, not as if she is my husband's ex but as if the ex does not exist and that she is just a part of my husband. But as you can see, I still have all the problems creeping up again. I was actually pretty good for awhile after that but I'm not so much anymore so I'm going to talk to someone again. When you said that your relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for his daughter-Amen to that! I think what a wonderful world it would be. Do you ever feel like you are or have given up a lot to be with your boyfriend? Do you ever think that sometimes it's not worth it or that you could be with somebody who doesn't have all this baggage? I'll be honest when I say all this. I wasn't ready to get married when we did. A month before we got married I had a nervous breakdown, I could barely hold myself together because of all of this. That is when I went to a counsellor. I thought after seeing her that I would be good to go but I was totally fooling myself. The sad part is, I wonder if I made a big mistake getting married because now I feel worse than ever about this and I even think that I would have left by now (maybe) if we hadn't gotten married. So my advise to you would be...be sure you are prepared for perhaps feeling like this for the rest of your life. Be really smart and be sure that this is something you are willing to deal with for a very long time. I love my husband to death, I do, but I always wonder if I've given up to much of myself and who I used to be to be with him. I was a very happy and cheerful person and now I feel more down in the dumps and depressed over this. There are many more tears and anxiety and stress and hatred in my life now and I just hope to God that at this point, I can get some serious help. I was thinking too that maybe if we had a baby of our own it would make things better but what if it doesn't? What if we never work things out? Then I'll be stuck in the same boat as him and his ex are in! I haven't seen my husband for almost a month and when he comes home he will be picking his daughter up on the way and bringing her to our house for a few days. I'm already thinking of reasons not to even go home for those few days! Like maybe I will just go to my parents house for awhile! It must be hard for you to have his daughter every other weekend without a doubt. Us having his daughter is very spontaneous. I can't imagine how you also deal with the fact that he brings his exes other child over too! That would drive me crazy! Anyway, hope to hear from you soon! |
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February 27, 2008, 7:06 am PST
Quote From: dillin Your story is really helping me in the sense that I don't feel like the only crazy person here! I feel like getting my husband and showing him what you wrote so he would realize I'm not the only one. He thinks I should be over everything already. He understood when it bothered me in the beginning but he figured it would all be over within a few months or something! But as far a I'm concerned, it will always bother me, and it might always bother you. These kids are never going to go away and we have no choice but to accept them, some how. Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor? When I went to mine she taught me how to look towards the future and not the past and how to look at this child, not as if she is my husband's ex but as if the ex does not exist and that she is just a part of my husband. But as you can see, I still have all the problems creeping up again. I was actually pretty good for awhile after that but I'm not so much anymore so I'm going to talk to someone again. When you said that your relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for his daughter-Amen to that! I think what a wonderful world it would be. Do you ever feel like you are or have given up a lot to be with your boyfriend? Do you ever think that sometimes it's not worth it or that you could be with somebody who doesn't have all this baggage? I'll be honest when I say all this. I wasn't ready to get married when we did. A month before we got married I had a nervous breakdown, I could barely hold myself together because of all of this. That is when I went to a counsellor. I thought after seeing her that I would be good to go but I was totally fooling myself. The sad part is, I wonder if I made a big mistake getting married because now I feel worse than ever about this and I even think that I would have left by now (maybe) if we hadn't gotten married. So my advise to you would be...be sure you are prepared for perhaps feeling like this for the rest of your life. Be really smart and be sure that this is something you are willing to deal with for a very long time. I love my husband to death, I do, but I always wonder if I've given up to much of myself and who I used to be to be with him. I was a very happy and cheerful person and now I feel more down in the dumps and depressed over this. There are many more tears and anxiety and stress and hatred in my life now and I just hope to God that at this point, I can get some serious help. I was thinking too that maybe if we had a baby of our own it would make things better but what if it doesn't? What if we never work things out? Then I'll be stuck in the same boat as him and his ex are in! I haven't seen my husband for almost a month and when he comes home he will be picking his daughter up on the way and bringing her to our house for a few days. I'm already thinking of reasons not to even go home for those few days! Like maybe I will just go to my parents house for awhile! It must be hard for you to have his daughter every other weekend without a doubt. Us having his daughter is very spontaneous. I can't imagine how you also deal with the fact that he brings his exes other child over too! That would drive me crazy! Anyway, hope to hear from you soon! I know what you mean…I, too, have thought about showing my boyfriend posts like your so he can see that I’m not crazy, but I never have for the fear that he would really think I’m crazy for joining message boards to talk about this stuff! He knows it still bothers me, but he doesn’t know how much. The only time we fight is when his daughter, or her little brother, are over. Sometimes I almost feel jealous, which seems weird. I wish there was a switch I could turn off, but it’s not that easy. I try to tell myself to accept the thing I cannot change, and not to dwell in the past. It is easier said than done. I just have problems letting things go I guess. I am glad that my boyfriend and his ex don’t talk or anything. You see, his ex has a daughter that’s 10, which she had to another man, then 6 years ago or so, she and my boyfriend had their daughter. After that, the relationship fell apart. The mother messed her life up and became a junkie…they split for a while, then tried to get back together for the sake of their child. While they were apart, she became pregnant again with another guy and had the baby. To make a long story short, the mother is living on the streets doing drugs and doesn’t see her children. All 3 kids live with the grandparents (her mother). So that’s that. So, my boyfriend got attached to the little boy (his daughters little brother) and he loves him almost as his own because he knows he doesn’t have a father, and doesn’t really have a mother. My boyfriend has a big heart…I’ll give him that. I understand he has feeling for him, but it’s overwhelming for me because it is almost as if he has 2 kids (by the way, even though he says there were test done and the little boy isn’t his, to me, he looks like him, which drives me crazy too.) So, that’s my situation. We were getting both kids at the same time, but now we will only get 1 or the other, for the most part. Sometimes I do think it would be easier to just give up….but it just sucks because besides all that mess, I have a really good man and I love him. He’s a hard worker, he’s caring, I know he would never cheat on me, he’s attractive, and he’s a good person. That’s what keeps me, because I know I would be throwing away a good man. I want to be a mother and I hope that once I do, I’ll realize that these kids need a mother figure in their life….it’s hard for me to think that way now…I’m only 23! I have thought about going to a counselor, but I don’t know how to you about doing so. Sometime I think it would help me on how to think about everything, but I would feel silly going. Would you say it was worth it when you went? |
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