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Topic : Step-Parenting

Number of Replies: 809
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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August 10, 2008, 9:34 am CDT

PLEASE HELP!

 My husband wants to move and he has more pros than cons. I on the other hand own a house and still have money on it. Do I reguard that and move with him and possibly hurt my credit? Or what can I do?/
 
August 11, 2008, 9:06 am CDT

Time For Fiancee To Move In But My Teenage Children Think This Is Just Weird

Reading other posts, I hope to gleam some insight from others whom have already blended their families together.

How have others successfully blended teenagers into a new marriage/relationship? 

In other words, blended families provide their own challenges over time but how have others started their blended families on the right foot?

How have others developed their teenagers to accept an excellent healthy adult relationship?

Some specifics for consideration.  My fiancee (44) and I (50), now almost a year, are at the point in our relationship to start moving in together.  We've both have left cheating spouses (mine left me and still lives with her lesbian lover).  We also both came up on the short end of the finances during those divorces and therefore, we are not in quick hurry to get remarried.  She has two adult children that live on their own and I have 3 teenage children that live with me every other week.

Her children like me and my children like her. 

My oldest daughter, now 18, started staying over at her mom's house full time several months ago and will not even talk to me anymore because she couldn't accept her dad was dating.  Now, my middle child, now 16, thinks it is just 'weird' that my fiancee will start start moving in (not her furniture to start).  It didn't make any difference with her if I suggested a more traditional marriage approach instead.  She just doesn't understand why I can't wait a couple of year until she moves onto college.

It should not be a choice between an excellent healthy adult dating relationship that could last a lifetime and a relationship with my children whom are almost grown and moved out on their own.

Ideas?
 
August 26, 2008, 4:15 pm CDT

POOR LITTLE STEPDAUGHTER

Quote From: cdringl

Poor little step daughter doesn't even get much contact with her Dad. She has sneaked calling him a couple of times. And I think she got caught and her Mom got on the phone and ragged my husband out. How she will never let Ashley around me again. And no Ashley don't know anything that I know of or my husband. My step daughter doesn't know anything about our lives right now. She don't know that we have moved or anything...We are not done with the court stuff. But as soon as we are were going to court for at least visitation. I really don't know it depends on how court goes. If I am found innocent than I am going to pray that the DA finds the truth and turns the tables on the people that did this to me. All this really is doing is causing psychological problems with Ashley me and her Dad. We are all so lost. His daughter obviously misses her Dad if she is sneaking on the phone to call him. But how would I know I don't know anything. I'm scared this woman did this to me in 2001 with her cousin and come to find out they dismissed the charges and the only thing else they have on her is welfare fruad but, that was dimissed also. Due to plea and abeyence...pay some restitution and she got out of it all.

 

What do I do about all of this? I just pray and pray and cry and scream and holler and pray and hope that I am going to be safe. All I want in life is to feel safe again. I don't want to look around my shoulders every time I turn around thinking I am going to get jumped. Or think I might run into Ashley and not know what to say or how to not show any emotion. I suppose it will all get better it has too. I can't deal with this any longer...

I HAVE READ YOUR STORY AND I AM VERY SAD AND SORRY THAT YOU WERE ATTACKED.

 

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU SAY POOR LITTLE STEPDAUGHTER IN THIS WAY(IT SOUNDS ANGRY OR JEALOUS)?   YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND YOUR CHILDREN.

MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN RAISED BY THEIR STEP-FATHER FROM THE AGES OF 1,3, AND 5.(AND THEY ARE 15, 17, AND 19 NOW)   THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS PERFECT.  WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF ROUGH YEARS, BUT WE ARE MAKING IT.  MY CHILDREN ARE MORE LIKELY TO GO TO  THEIR STEPFATHER ABOUT THINGS THAN ME.  I AM MORE OF A DISCIPLINARIAN, AND PRETTY MUCH SEE THINGS AS BLACK AND WHITE.

YOU NEED TO RELAX A LITTLE AND LET YOUR HUSBAND WORK THINGS OUT WITH HIS DAUGHTER,

REMEMBER HIS DAUGHTER CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLES ACTIONS.

 
August 26, 2008, 4:39 pm CDT

STEP-SON vs. FATHER

Quote From: keya30

First of all, I've been married for 1 and a half year. Me and my husband both have kids he has 6 and I have 2. Only one of his kids live with us and he is 6years old. My daugher is six and my son nine. It seems as if the kids are dividing us. He lets his son get away with lots of things, he don't discipline him at all. When you mention it to him he says that he go do things the way he do. But his son is doing the same thing over and over again. For example, he starts spats with the kids, he always hits my older son and his father never says anything. His son and my son always argue. It's like a divided home bc he feels that i defend my child, ( i do sometimes bc my husband isnt fair with my children) He cater to his son, damn anybody else's feeling around him ( including mines). Don't get me wrong I love my husband and stepson, but it seems as if my husband takes his son side even if he is wrong. I tell him constantly that his child isn't the only child in the house, but his decisions on punnishment for my kid is harsh especially my son. But stepson can be bad at school and still get rewards, that isn't fair. My son has all A's in school and he is treated like his behavior is bad and school while stepson is treated like he has all A's. Just yesterday, my stepson hit my son and he does this often, he gets away with it. But anyways, my  son finally got fed up and hit him in the eye . I feel that they shouldn't fight but if you hvae someone constantly hitting you just bc he knows that he is going to get away with it, sometimes you have to take matters in you own hands. My husband didn't like that so he put my son in a head lock and hit him. I don't think that was right bc his son constantly starts stuff and when my son tells him its like he put a brick wall up bc he does nothing. What should I do bc my son has had so many things happen to him by stepson and his dad will not listen to my son at all. It's not fair. My son said he wish that it could be just me, him and his sister again,  and I agreed in my mind. My stepson don't have way listen to him so you know that I feel disrespected. He acts like a baby alot ,he has his dad wrapped around his little finger. I always tell his dad that every bad thing deserve consequences, instead he rewards for bad things as it may seems. I want to walk away from this relationship for other reasons more serious than this. My stepson is a piece of work. Every where that i take him is is rotten, I don't want to take him anywhere recreational anymore bc of it. don't get me wrong my kids can be a pain too but I discipline for wrong doing, they respect me and take me serious., stepson dont?What should I do, I am ready to leave this divided home bc I am tired of my husband doing my son wrong.

IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF OF YOUR CHILD, AND LEARN TO DISCIPLINE HIS OWN CHILD WITHOUT BEING PHYSICAL.  NONE OF THE CHILDREN DESERVE  TO SEE ANY OF THIS.  INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT WHAT A BRAT YOUR STEPSON IS MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER PUTTING YOUR FOOT DOWN AND STOPPING THE ABUSE GOING ON AROUND YOU.

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS AND WE EACH HAD CHILDREN FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE.  HE HAD 1 AND I HAD 3, THINGS WERE ROUGH.  I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE WAYS TO DISCIPLINE, NOT DECIDE FOR EACH OTHER.  IF YOUR HUSBAND WONT DISCUSS IT, THEN THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU ALOT OF ANSWERS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.  OUR CHILDREN KNOW AND LEARN WHAT WE TEACH THEM.

 
August 27, 2008, 9:31 am CDT

So frustrated

I am a 30 something stepmom to 2 elementary school aged boys.  They are great kids, but sometimes I feel about ready to throw them out of a moving vehicle.  The younger of the two who is 4 years old, pushes buttons like no other.  Anytime he is not getting his way or if he is tired or doesn't want to do what we are doing, he'll make comments about his mom's house, obviously pushing the idea that his mom's house is better than ours.  He does it often in the mornings on car rides when my husband isn't there.  I feel so angry I want to scream but I keep it in check and manage "Oh. Cool." or some similar answer, but I feel like I'm about to explode.  Maybe it doesn't sound so bad, but to me, it's very personal.  I do everything possible to be a good stepmom, and their dad and I have a great loving relationship.  But no matter what, the younger boy always has something to say that makes me remember I'm "not as good" as his other mom or our house isn't as cool as his other house.  I am so so so tired of it.  I don't know how to address it or if I should address it with him.  He is only 4.  It boggles my mind how he can push buttons better than anyone I have ever known.
 
September 1, 2008, 11:26 am CDT

It's not a competition

Quote From: cora227

I am a 30 something stepmom to 2 elementary school aged boys.  They are great kids, but sometimes I feel about ready to throw them out of a moving vehicle.  The younger of the two who is 4 years old, pushes buttons like no other.  Anytime he is not getting his way or if he is tired or doesn't want to do what we are doing, he'll make comments about his mom's house, obviously pushing the idea that his mom's house is better than ours.  He does it often in the mornings on car rides when my husband isn't there.  I feel so angry I want to scream but I keep it in check and manage "Oh. Cool." or some similar answer, but I feel like I'm about to explode.  Maybe it doesn't sound so bad, but to me, it's very personal.  I do everything possible to be a good stepmom, and their dad and I have a great loving relationship.  But no matter what, the younger boy always has something to say that makes me remember I'm "not as good" as his other mom or our house isn't as cool as his other house.  I am so so so tired of it.  I don't know how to address it or if I should address it with him.  He is only 4.  It boggles my mind how he can push buttons better than anyone I have ever known.

Commenting on the differences between your household and his mother's is not automatically expressing a preference for his mother's way of doing things.  Think of it more as him trying to understand the differences between you in order to explain to himself why you do things one way and she does things another way.  "That's cool" is a very good response - no negativity expressed about his mother and no concessions given to the idea that you might change things in your household.

 
September 4, 2008, 11:00 pm CDT

My kids stepdad

We only get one shot at this parenting gig and I am very aware of this! I have always tried to look at any situation first and then act if necessary. I married my second husband and before doing so I slowly introduced him to my then preschool children. Eventually we would spend whole weekends togeather and have 'family time'. We decided to move in togeather and marry. Before doing so I explained to my partner that he was taking on a whole package and all though painful for him I had to explain to him that although I love him completely, my children rely on me as their security and because of this I would have to always have their well being (emotional and physical) as my top priority. As you can imagine this was hard for him to hear and did not go down well; it was difficult for him to understand as he had no children of his own and to him I was his number 1. Ever since we moved our life to be with him he has not put in the same effort as he had when we were a 'weekend family'. He is a good man and very loyal but he has not opened his heart to my kids and can be quit cold and harsh; he keeps an emotional distance that has caused my kids pain, I know this as they talk to me about it on many occasions. We now have our own child and he is a very devoted Dad. But there remains this huge distance between the older two and him. I feel stuck  and disapointed. Family counselling is not an option as he says we can figure it out ourselves, but how can we if he wont open up and talk to me, admit any part in this or even want my kids around? I ask him if he loves them or even likes them, he says yes; I just don't know? Part of the reason I left my first husband was because the relationship was volatile and abusive, I did not want my girls to think that is what they could expect. We are generally a 'good' family with one huge fault, we lack the closeness and bond of a STRONG family. Like I said we only get one shot at this important job and I feel like I am failing my kids because I can't figure out how to make this better.

 
September 4, 2008, 11:18 pm CDT

my kids stepdad

Also (as if I haven't said enough), I feel like I am betraying my kids when I don't defend them from my husbands unreasonable responses to them; well infront of them anyway. I worry they think I don't care any more because they don't see me working for them behind closed doors, infact they have both asked me this horrible question. It is still true that the parents must show a united front with kids, but at what cost? I know I am not a step parent myself but maybe someone can help me?

 
September 9, 2008, 1:04 pm CDT

tired and frustrated.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. We have been living together for the past year on and off due to the fact he does business out of the state and is sometimes gone for a month or more at a time. We still fly back and forth spending time together when he is away. Well he has been back home now for about 2 months. I am the mother of 2 teenage daughters and one of my daughters acts as if she is annoyed by him being around. Since he has been back she does not speak to him. It is like he is invisible. It bothers me and when I ask her why she does this, she tells me she will respond to him if he talks to her first. And he is upset about the situation so he complains to me every evening on a daily basis about it, but he does not want to speak to her because he is afraid to upset her. But I have to hear the complaining every night how it is rude and disrespectful and I never taught her how to respect adults and so on. I just want peace and quiet in the home. It's making me crazy. They are both acting the same, and I feel like now instead of having 2 hard headed teenagers, I have 3. He won't speak to her, but she says if he talks to her 1st she will speak to him, but they are both hard headed and annoying. I don't know how to get these two to talk again. I see our relationship is about to end over this. I am seeking counseling personally and family counseling, which my daughter and I are going to. I think he needs to come also. Has anyone gone through this experience and can shed any light on my problem.
 
September 11, 2008, 8:23 am CDT

Step-Parenting

Quote From: mdwiars

Reading other posts, I hope to gleam some insight from others whom have already blended their families together.

How have others successfully blended teenagers into a new marriage/relationship? 

In other words, blended families provide their own challenges over time but how have others started their blended families on the right foot?

How have others developed their teenagers to accept an excellent healthy adult relationship?

Some specifics for consideration.  My fiancee (44) and I (50), now almost a year, are at the point in our relationship to start moving in together.  We've both have left cheating spouses (mine left me and still lives with her lesbian lover).  We also both came up on the short end of the finances during those divorces and therefore, we are not in quick hurry to get remarried.  She has two adult children that live on their own and I have 3 teenage children that live with me every other week.

Her children like me and my children like her. 

My oldest daughter, now 18, started staying over at her mom's house full time several months ago and will not even talk to me anymore because she couldn't accept her dad was dating.  Now, my middle child, now 16, thinks it is just 'weird' that my fiancee will start start moving in (not her furniture to start).  It didn't make any difference with her if I suggested a more traditional marriage approach instead.  She just doesn't understand why I can't wait a couple of year until she moves onto college.

It should not be a choice between an excellent healthy adult dating relationship that could last a lifetime and a relationship with my children whom are almost grown and moved out on their own.

Ideas?
I am going through the same thing you are. The title to my story is "Tired and Frustrated" if you have a few minutes to read. I just wrote it a couple days ago. Everything your 16yo daughter is saying, mine is also saying. She asked me to just wait a couple years til she graduates and moves on to college also. I just don't know what to do now. We are starting counseling, and I guess we will see what happens from there. Right now she just ignores my boyfriend as if he is not even there. She is not rude or nasty to him just does not speak at all to him, it is like he is invisible to her. I try to explain the situation to her, but she just does not care. This has been going on for 2 months now. So, I just want to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

I wish I could be more helpful to you, but maybe knowing others are going through this same thing will be a little comforting. Sorry.

 
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