Topic : Step-Parenting

Hi everyone.  My husband's ex-wife just moved back to our area last Friday and is already started causing problems as of yesterday. 

 

She had moved away just over three years ago to Ontario (3400 miles away)with her first child she had with a different man, to live with the man she left her then  husband (now mine) for. 

 

In the years my husband and her were apart she chose NOT to have any contact with their child in fact just after one week of giving her husband the boot she informed him that their child(who at the time was six years of age) was causing problems in her new relationship with her lover and gave the child to her husband to raise.  In the years which were six at the time she chose no contact other then perhaps on Christmas and the child's birthday to call him and that was even rare (they lived in the same small town) even though my husband tried to keep her involved in the child's life she chose not too.

 

Now...that I came into the picture just over one year ago she has now been phoning and chatting on-line with the child (which is fine) in one way.  My husband and I became aware of her inappropriate conversations and under-minding our parenting...(such as) it is better to ask forgiveness then to ask for permission (is just one example) there are many more we learned of via instant message the child was keeping along with several others in a shared folder on his PC she even told the child she can't wait to come to our home (and excuse the expression) Piss on my leg!!

 

On her own accord she gave up Custody and Guardianship to my husband in their divorce...she has No legal stand.  I should also mention we have NO Problem of the two of them having visits and staying in communication...but she has to go through my husband to make arrangements for access...she just can't up and go about making plans without speaking with him first as it should be.

 

We had learned she and the child made plans for this Monday past for her to come to his school and pull him out of class to visit with each other...my husband objected to this and told the child she is not to pull you out of class but she may take you out to lunch instead and said also she is to contact me to make arrangements to see you.

 

Well...yesterday my husband asked me to phone the school and to inform them that the child's mother was going to come by and pick the child up for lunch for that day only and she has his permission for this day only to remove the child from the school.  Of course they asked what the custody order is so I formed them that my husband has Full Custody and all Guardianship over the child that the mother gave up all her legal rights in their divorce...(I will be dropping off a copy of the divorce decree for the school to have on file).

 

When the child came home from school the child waited just before supper to inform his father that he didn't have lunch that day because...his dear mother told him that I informed her (which I haven't spoken to her in sometime)nor has this conversation ever taken place between her and I.  That she said she

could 't take him out for lunch that she told him that I said there was a problem with the custody papers.

 

I was stunned I couldn't believe my ears on what I was hearing from him...I told both my husband and the child I said NO SUCH THING and my husband was home when I made the call to the school it was his day off from work... My husband was calm and I tried not to pop my cork(he told his child there is No problem with the papers) of course the child defended his mother which aerated me.  I reminded my husband that I would Not put with her antics and that she is NOT welcome to come to our home she and the child can see each other but if she shows up here I will call the police to have her removed ...and I mean it!!!  (My husband works weekends and I am here with the child)...of course the child didn't like this and again defended her by saying she hasn't done anything wrong...but I calmly said she is unwelcome and if she comes here I will phone and have the police remove her!!

 

I have told my husband since early last year that the woman would move back here but he wouldn't listen to me(of course we have NO say where she lives that is her choice).  But even 3400 miles away she was doing her darnedest in trying to cause tension in our home and planting miss trust in the child's mind.  All from a woman who made it very clear that the child was a mistake and should have never of been born and has admitted it!!

 

I have a strong sense she is just getting started and there is a lot more to come our way.  She was happy I feel during those years to know there wasn't anyone else in her ex's life and their child's but now it seems she resents knowing someone else has a say over raising the child she gave up and is trying to reestablish herself in other words and using her expression Pissing ...by marking her territory and I for one won't tolerate it.  I am reaching my boiling point with this drama that has come into my life via husband and his ex...and with her so close actually just minutes away from our home is a bit much.

 

Has anyone of us Step-Parents out there had similar problems and HOW did you find a positive way of  keeping your sanity and to keep this drama and insane woman out of your HOME?!

 

Take Care...Sunstone

 

 

 

 

You and your husband need to set up an arrangement whereby your stepson is collected and returned to a third party's house or he needs to WRITE to the school stating that he gives permission for his son to have lunch with his mother on Mondays or whatever.

 

You can't expect a school to take notice of a 'phone call from a step parent under the custody circumstances described and it's too much to expect a 12 year old to arrange visits to see his mother when he can't drive and you won't let her pick up and collect him unless there is a reliable bus service to a suitable meeting point. 

 

At the moment you are playing right into her hands presuming she has a disruptive agenda because your husband hasn't accepted the necessity to react to her presence nearby and PROVIDE his son with the time and opportunity to see his mother.  The child sneaks around with her because he knows whenever his mother's name is mentioned you and your husband will not see his point of view and are likely to over react.

You seem to of missed the point.  Yes there is no doubt she has an agenda.  As to the child sneaking off to meet with her he knows this is not an issue of him seeing his mother with us.  He knows he can see her when they want to spend time together and arrangements can easily be made to get him to their visits...but because of past experience with her she is not welcome in our home period!

 

She is setting up meeting with the child without first speaking with the custodial parent period  and wanting to remove the child from his classroom during classes is unacceptable that is why my husband suggested that she take him out for lunch instead.  The parent who has custody of their child'/children will agree is not acceptably.   Neither my husband nor I are in anyway trying to come between the child and his mother... 

 

As I said in my first letter there is more to this situation with the child's mother which one could write a book on what I will say has taken place within the last year.   She is the one who chose to throw the child away like yesterdays newspaper and now wants back in his life "obviously she has realized her mistake after all of these years and wants a relationship with the child.  Fine and good."  But she has tried on different times to under-mind our parenting of the child and this is quoting her "you don't have to listen to your dad or her...it is better to ask forgiveness then ask for permission."  This is just one of many things that have arisen with her in the past year.

 

Thank-you again...but it wasn't helpful...Take Care Sunstone

Your stepson went into school expecting to be able to see his mother.  He didn't because your husband left you to make a 'phone call instead of sending in a SIGNED letter.  Then your stepson's version of whatever was said by the school employee who refused him permission to leave was dismissed out of hand.

 

You don't want the ex at your house, she doesn't want to go through you to get to organise things with your husband.  Your stepson at 12 doesn't see the need to report all details of his 'phone and computer conversations with his mother to you and your husband.  If your husband doesn't set things up and facilitate their meetings this will continue. 

I did in fact suggest that very same thing to my husband about  him setting up specific times for the child and his mother to come together but alas he said NO that she will lose interest in the child just as she did over the last several years and wanted nothing to do with him.   I myself don't believe this to be true as to my husband's idea she'll lose interest in wanting to see the child as she has in the past.

 

NO...you are mistaken the mother doesn't have to go through me to see her child all she has to do is phone my husband to make arrangements with him "not me" I don't want any contact with her.  I don't care how often the child and his mother want to see each other...I to am a mom of  grown children from my previous marriage and understand the need of parent and child bonding.   And if this is truly genuine on her part that her feelings and needs in building a relationship with the child  then Great; it's about damn time she decided to allow the child in her life after all these years after choosing her lover over her child.

 

She was young at the time and hopefully has finally grown up?!  But only time will tell actions... as they say speak louder then words!!

 

And about phone and PC conversations... I have never inquired on what is said between them just as I don't question the child of his conversations with his friends.   

 

I just don't want the woman coming to My home period.  She can see the child as often as the two of them want to spend time together ...that was never the issue I have.   What I don't want  is not  to go through the same drama or any new drama with this woman as we've had to deal with her in just over the one year of us being married.   Issues the two of them have with one another...is unreal and I for one don't  and never did want it in my life and was unaware the extent until after we were married.  No normal person would want this in their lives and I  for certain don't want it anymore... for this not to filter into my home life is by  avoiding contact occurring between us that  it is best the drop off and pick up occur elsewhere but  NOT AT MY HOME!

 

So ...for us to drop him off in town for the two of them to spend whatever length of time they want and the mother and my husband have agreed upon that's fine that's between them...I just don't want her at my home coming and going as she feels.

 

Thank-you.  You suggested one thing that I know would work and that is for times and days to be setup and I have suggested it already but otherwise you're off the mark as to what has been going on.  One could write a book on what has occurred in just the past year alone...trust me if you had to endure what I have of your marriage...you would feel exactly the same way I do!!!

 

Take Care ....Sunstone

My husband and I have been married for 2 months now, but been together for 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter. The problem is their biological mother has been causing alot of problems. When they first divorced, of course, she fought for custody of them (we later figured out was to prove herself, not because she really wanted them). She won primary custody, which most mothers do unless you can prove that they are an unfit parent. A year went by and my husband swore he would take her back to court. Around the time that he was beginning to look for anothing lawyer, she told him she would give him custody of the kids, because her other 4 children went to visit their father for the summer and he and his wife slapped her in the face with a restraining order because her brother had molested the 2 oldest daughters when they were younger. So, she could not afford to go back to court, and instead handed them over to us. About a month went by, and then, she and her 3rd husband moved to another state because she did not want to be around anyone here at all. She stayed there for 6 months, and then sent my husband a letter stating how she knew what she did was wrong and she was going to come back here and never leave the kids again. (She was coming back because her marriage was on the rocks and was going to leave her alcoholic husband.) My stepson was having a very hard time coping with her being gone. So, she came back and moved in with her friend so she could look for a job. She came here to visit with the kids a couple of times, introducing herself back into their lives. A few weeks ago, she informed my husband that she was going to go back to "end" things with her husband. She promised she would be back for the kids. A week went by, she said she was coming back she just needed money for gas. Supposedly, she was going to be getting money for it 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard anything since. It has been very hard on the kids. Surprisingly they don't ask about her much because they are used to her being absent from their lives. I just know this is going to be something they will have to cope with forever. My husband sent her an email (her phone is shut off) letting her know that he should have known that she did not come back here to be with them, only to get away from her husband. It has just been a very drama filled experience, and we are so angry with her for being so selfish. It is so hard for my stepson especially because he understands more what is going on. What is he supposed to think now when we tell him she has moved back up there? Before he would say, "If she says she loves me, why doesn't she come be with me?" I just don't understand how a mother can do this.

 I am curious about how much parenting my husband can do with my son?  I know dr. phil says let the bio parent do the parenting and the step parent step back and be more of a friend... however, I grew up in a house with 2 sets of step parents.  My dad step parented my mom's first kids and my mom step parented my dad's first child and then they had me and my brother  together.  Now both my parents acted as parents to each other's kids and things worked out fine.  Now i feel like i want my husband to step up and help me more with my son.  It's half his house so, he should also enforce the household rules...Does anyone else agree?  What wrong can come out of it if my son is complient and respects the idea of it?  It's funny because my son totally respects my hubby.  if my hubby says no, or do this, my son complys big time and won't do it again.  where if i tell him to do something or not to do something he seems to always forget and does it again.  so, whats wrong with getting things our way by having my hubby stepping in?  He thinks it's not his place, i think it is.  so, give me your thoughts, ALL your thoughts, on the matter...Thanks! 
P.S. if dr. phill or robin want to add to this, please do!  lol

I am looking for any help at this time as I have know idea which way to turn. Over a year ago I met a wonderful man whom I love dearly. I was a single mom for years and have a 27 year old daughter who is a police detective and a 28 year son who owns his own company. My commonlaw has a ten year old daugher who has this last weekend put a huge strain on our relationship. She very regular throws tantrums which include screaming and kicking in malls, store at home or in a vechile. All you have to say is the words no, and you can be ready for the screaming and her saying her famious words. "I am telling my mom, or I want to go home to mom." She refused until recentantly, to even sleep by herself and we were kicked out of our apartment block because of her tantrums due to being put in her own bed. Now this last weekend after trying to take her camping for the weekend she actually went to the bathroom in her pants, twice in the middle of the night and then demanded that I cleaned the stole from her clothing.

Her words were, "They are worth money you know, so make sure they are clean." After crying for hours, she then went home to her mother and told her that I locked her in a basement and would not let her out. What had happened was after we brought her home from camping I gave her a bath, it was very cool outside and told her that she could watch a movie downstairs while I cleaned her cloth as her hair was still wet and I felt it was to cold to be outside with wet hair. I now give up, I have tried very much to for some kind of relationship with this child, it is not for lack of knowing how to care for children as I had 38 foster children aside from my own. But I have know idea what to do with this one. Please any help from anyone would be appreciated.

 I came on here to day to seek advice for my situation which by all means pales in comparison.   I have been married for 10 yrs and his seventeen yr old daughter just graduated from High School and she is about to turn 18. 
    First my advice to you is have your commonlaw have a talk with the young lass.  It is his problem to straighten out and there is nothing you can do to solve the issue.   When my stepdaughter was seven,  she absolutely hated me and did everything she could to break us up.   She had dreams that her parents would get back together and they would be a happy family.  And obviously I was a big obstical in that area.  When my husband found out what the problem was he sat her down and told her that he would never get back together with her mother even if I was not here and that He was going to marry me and he expected her to at the very least to show me respect and courtesey.  Over the years I have found that Dr Phil is right when he says it is not the place of the Step to do the parenting.    I can only enforce,  those boundries that my husband set down.    He made the rules,  I just made sure they were followed when he wasn't around.  I cannot act like a mother to her,  as much as I want to,  especially when I think her mother does not do what she should.   I can never say anything negative about her mom,  even when I think her mom is being a dumb ***.   If she was my child her life would have been very different,   but I am not her mother she has a mother and father,  and they have to take responsiblity for her life and influence they have had on her and the consequences of that influence.  My job is first,  love and support my husband,  and then to love and support his daughter by making sure we do what we(my husband and I) promise,  and the rest of the time blending into the backround the best I can. 
    This little 10yr old girl is doing everything she can to be a problem for you and your commonlaw.   Make him deal with her,   he can clean the clothes and  he can make her stay in her bed.  He need to set the rules and enforce them, no wishy washy crap.   She will eventually get the hint that dad means business.  And if she is making false accusations against you,  do not be alone with her.   You are there for your husband and he is there for his daughter no need for you to be alone with her especially now.  You may be able to ease the anxiety for her sleeping in her own bed,  by making it just that.  Her room and Her Bed the way she likes it with stuff she picks out with the both of you.  ( I have a room in my house that had been redone three times and sleep in maybe 12 months out of 360)  and if that doesnt work,  when my son was two and wouldnt stay in his bed we would sit in the room until he feel asleep then shorten it every night until finally he would go to bed on his own. 
    What you do and say to a step child matters,   you can love them as your own but they will never be your own and you have to understand the seperation.   With her mom in the picture you are the competition,  so choose not to compete.   It is the fathers job to do the work and take care of the issues,   all you can do is love and support them both.     Never ever say anything less than glowing about her mother,   you diss her mom and you will never get along,  make sure that she and everyone else knows you are not there to take anyones place,   you love her father which means you love her too.   You are not her mom and dont want to be here mom because she loves the one she has and she does not want to betray her mom.   
    I was feeling unapprciated by my step daughter and concerned about a snotty comment  she made about the planning of the family birthday party for her.  But readiing this and other accounts today.  I am trully blessed with a wonderful step daughter and we have come a long way,  and as much as I love her she will always be my step daughter and will never just be just one of my kids.   I have to keep my opinions and parental bulletins to myself.   It is not the same with all step children some blend and have two sets of parents and sometimes you have to pull yourself back because you are not wanted as the second mother,  you are only your husbands wife.

 He maybe shouldnt parent but he sure could back you up.   My Husband referred to me as the policeman but he is the warden.   I arrest and convict and he enforces.    Its a nice set up but you do have to be firm.  But there is no reason why your husband cannot demand that his wife be treated with respect and enforce the rules you set down.