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Topic : Step-Parenting

Number of Replies: 809
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:47:27 pm
Author : dataimport
If you are a step-parent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. Share your story with us.

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November 10, 2005, 8:01 am CST

Step-Parenting

Quote From: akamommyx4

She has been calling the shots with him acting like she was parent he was child. I have been dealing with that. With him and her. Its hard when you get your way all the time and then i come in the picture and all that is not acceptable. She use to hit him in anger when i first came on the scene. I understand what she learns now she will use in her adult life. Trying to get him to get past her manipulation is hard. She is using manipulation and trying to say i'll just move my stuff to my moms, as a bargaining chip. She needs to learn that isnt going to work and thats not how families function. She has never had a family and doesnt know what it looks like. I need ideas to get her excited about family. She wanted bros and sisters and now she has them. She wants things her way and unfortunately we cant add on, my 3 boys will have the other room and the girls need to share. My kids are here 2 days a week and every other weekend like her. They dont live here full time either. Do i move my daughter in the boys room and say in 1 month my daughter is moving in your room? Will that give her time to accept it? There is a win/win some where and i need to find what works for my family. Any ideas? 

THanks for your replies. 

Wow... 5 kids and 2 bedrooms.  You're right you dont have any other options... she needs to share a room just like the all the other kids.  Are they there on all the same days?  Maybe it could be arranged with the ex's that sometimes all the kids are there, sometimes just yours and sometimes just her.  As far as getting her excited about family.... I've not had much luck with that yet.  My daughter, 14,is less than thrilled that she has 2 new little step sisters to follow her around and make her crazy :)  I just try to balence the time together with time alone where she doesn't have to deal with them.  Check out the activities in your area, the YMCA is usually most affordable... maybe there's something that you can sign the two girls up for that they can do together but also try to give them equal time alone in the room that they share.  And maybe an occasional "date night" with just her dad, you can do the same with yours, will help too.  And you know there might not be a win/win as far as the kids are concerned.... after all, they didn't choose this blended family situation... I think blending families is harder than any of us expect and it took me a while to accept that mine may never be one big happy family... Hang in there :)
 
November 10, 2005, 3:37 pm CST

need advice

I am a new step mom to 4 girls only 2 live with my husband and I ages 11 and 9, the other girls live with their mom ages 7 and 3. They come everyother weekend or when we can get them.  I have a son of my own who is 8.  I am having a problem with the girls that live with us.  They don't listen to me.  They think they are the boss of the house.  Now granted I do have problems with my son but nothing like what I have with the girls.  Their dad knows they act this way.  We have tried grounding them, spanking, taking their things away from them, nothing has worked.  With the not listening and the back talking and the lying. I am at my wits end.  I am tired of yelling at them.  It doesn't work either, I know and it is not good.  I just started working, i had been staying at home.  But we need the extra money.  It is harder then ever now to get them to understand and listen.  I hope this is making sense.  I need ways to get them to listen to me and to understand that we are the boss and they aren't.  i suffer from depression and it is getting worse because of all of this and hurting our marriage alot.  I love my husband and kids but not sure how much more I can take  please help.
 
November 11, 2005, 7:20 am CST

Step-Parenting

Quote From: farmgirl28

I am a new step mom to 4 girls only 2 live with my husband and I ages 11 and 9, the other girls live with their mom ages 7 and 3. They come everyother weekend or when we can get them.  I have a son of my own who is 8.  I am having a problem with the girls that live with us.  They don't listen to me.  They think they are the boss of the house.  Now granted I do have problems with my son but nothing like what I have with the girls.  Their dad knows they act this way.  We have tried grounding them, spanking, taking their things away from them, nothing has worked.  With the not listening and the back talking and the lying. I am at my wits end.  I am tired of yelling at them.  It doesn't work either, I know and it is not good.  I just started working, i had been staying at home.  But we need the extra money.  It is harder then ever now to get them to understand and listen.  I hope this is making sense.  I need ways to get them to listen to me and to understand that we are the boss and they aren't.  i suffer from depression and it is getting worse because of all of this and hurting our marriage alot.  I love my husband and kids but not sure how much more I can take  please help.
Something I've done with my 8 yr. old son when nothing else worked..... We called it "Jail"...Strip their rooms of EVERYTHING!  Leave their bed, furniture, clothes... no toys, tv's, games, books... nothing.  You and your husband sit down (you have to both be commited) and explain to them how they are expected to behave and what will not be tolerated.... be very clear, even write the expectations down and post it in their rooms.  Tell them that until they can prove that they can behave appropriatly they will live in their rooms without thier stuff and will have to earn it back with good behavior, one item at a time, very slowly.  But they need to live without anything for a while, like at least a week, to get their attention. My son lived like this for more than a month.... At first it started with being sent to "jail" for the whole weekend, no exceptions... except for meals,  then it slowed down to days, where if he misbahaved he went to his room for the rest of the day.  And there were times when he would earn something back and then loose it again.  Basically... if you're good you get the privledges that being in this family offers you.... If you choose to not be good... you go to jail.... Kind of like real life.  I know it seems harsh ... but drastic times call for drastic measures.   Good luck!
 
November 11, 2005, 10:01 am CST

been there

Quote From: amarilla

I have been married for 1 year, but in a commited relationship with him for allmost 6 years.  It has gotten pretty bad at home.  MY son is going to be 14 yrs old and I worry that all the negativity will harm him as an adult man.  My husband yells and curses and trully says some hurtful things.  This last week we got into a very heated fight, where he made the statement that he did not want to be a father to my son.  There is 80% of me that wants out of this mess for my sons sake, bu of course the though of ending my marriage is frightening for many differnet reasons.  Is it at all posible to get this man to respect my child?????????????

I have a 8 year son and have been with my husband since 02 and married in 04 when we met we both have children the same age me the boy him the girl and we have custody of both. My step daughter and I hit it off really good and my son was 5 loved my new boyfriend so much because his dad was in and out of his life and very abusive towards me and mentally towards him. My son just wanted a daddy and my husband treated him bad favored his child all the time and treated my son bad. I left him and told him I may love you but I love my son more and was there to protect him I gave birth to him he didn't ask to be born and I had all ready allowed one man (his own father) to put him through enough I wasn't making the same mistake again. He decided after weeks that he would do what ever it takes and it took counseling. However I do still have the fear that one day as my son gets older things will change he calls him dad he doesn't see his biological one. We also have since had a son together which I wasn't sure how it would go but he treats all them equal. I hope that it works out for you. 

 
November 12, 2005, 2:14 pm CST

I have a question... Dr Phil says that the steop parent should not discipline

so how do we deal with our step kids when we are the ones with them most of the time?  What I mean is my hubby (their dad) is the disciplinarian and that is what their relationship is becoming mostly cause it is becoming "wait til your father gets home" and then after working all day he has to come home to deal with a problem or situation that happened hours ago or sometimes even a day before if he comes home too late...I have tried to ask their mom for help and though she says they should respect me and listen to me she also feels I shouldn't discipline them.  I am afraid that the kids don't respect me or are treating me badly cause they know I don't have power and also just because they can get away with it! I am at my wits end and now I don't make any decisions -- if they want to go to a friends house it has to be discussed with daddy beforehand or they can't go cause I don't think it is fair for them to walk all over me getting me to let them do the things they want to do but not correct them when they are wrong. 

  

Dr. Phil also says that "people treat you the way that you let them" so where did I go wrong with my step kids that they don't treat me right?  BTW, the kids are stepdaughter age 16 and stepson age 13 and I met them at ages 3 & 5 when they lived with their mom.  They came to live with us 5 years ago and we have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter as well. 

  

Thanks in advance.  Advice is appreciated. 

 
November 13, 2005, 12:34 pm CST

Adding a child to an only (step)child home

Hello- I am a step-mom of an almost three year old child. He has lived with his father since he was a year old. I joined the picture before he was two. We worked through all the resent he had toward me in the beginning although there is still a little bit of jealousy when his dad and I are doing things together. I have totally steeped in as mom. I spend the majority of time with the child and he completely accepts me as a discipline figure and as a nurturing figure. We recently found out I am pregnant with our first child. I am very worried that my stepson is going to hate the baby and the fact that it is taking away time with "his daddy". I am worried that my husband will choose to spend more time with his son and leave this baby for me to take care of. I don't want our family to be divided between him and his son and me and my child. What can we do to prevent this and make sure my stepson in accepting of another child?
 
November 13, 2005, 1:02 pm CST

the word "MOM"

  

  Hi- I left a question out of my first post. My three year old stepson has always refereed to me by my first name. I have never asked him to call me mom because he already has a mom. I don't want him to think I ever tried to replace his mother. Now that we have a baby on the way i am confused on what to do. I don't want my new baby to call me by my first name but I don't know how to explain this to an almost three year old. Is it wrong to let him call me mom if he begins to hear everyone referring to me as "mom" in regards to the new baby? How will I teach a baby to call me mom when its brother calls me something different? 

 
November 13, 2005, 2:28 pm CST

mjzion

Quote From: mjzion

  

  Hi- I left a question out of my first post. My three year old stepson has always refereed to me by my first name. I have never asked him to call me mom because he already has a mom. I don't want him to think I ever tried to replace his mother. Now that we have a baby on the way i am confused on what to do. I don't want my new baby to call me by my first name but I don't know how to explain this to an almost three year old. Is it wrong to let him call me mom if he begins to hear everyone referring to me as "mom" in regards to the new baby? How will I teach a baby to call me mom when its brother calls me something different? 

Your step-child will adjust to his/her new bro/sis. He/she will probably enjoy having another baby around. Just make sure that you and your husband treat BOTH kids equally. Make sure that the grandparents treat BOTH kids equally otherwise you will run into "resentment" from one of the children. AS far as "mom" goes, one thing that will work is when your hubby calls your name try and get him to say "mommy" instead of your real name, that way the baby will pick up that you are mommy. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and 2 kids with my new husband.  My daughter refers to my husband by his real name, and so do I, so it confused our 2 kids and they call him by his real name instead of daddy. Now I have to refer to him as daddy so they will know who daddy is. It is confusing to the kids, but in time, the baby will know who mommy is. Our kids call their dad daddy, and sometimes his real name. They know who is who. Also include your step child in alot of things you do with the new baby. Let him know that he plays important role too in the new baby's life. I think it will all be fine. Your step child is still young himself so it may even be more funner for him to be able to help to take care of a new baby.(with supervision of course). Good luck!  

  

P/S. The main key is to treat all kids (step kids too) equally. Dont let anyone, mainly grandparents choose a "favorite". 

 
November 15, 2005, 3:25 pm CST

step parent rights

My question is what does everyone think on what rights or say so a step parent should have in a childs life?  I have 2 soon to be step sons and they have lived with their father and i for the last year.  His ex wife and him do shared parenting so the boys are with us 50%of the week.  I have worked so hard this last year to make the boys feel comfortable and loved in our house as they are going through alot in just the last 2 months i have acheived this the come curl up with me to watch movies they give me hugs and kisses and say i love you at night.  They enjoy the time they are at our home esp playing with my 3 girls.  But just a week ago his youngest 4 years old was beating my 2 year old girl and dad wasnt home just the kids. Their dad has given me permission to discipline the boys when nessasary and normally i dont only under extreme circumstances.  In this case i tried everything from moving her to moving him to time out to raising my voice and none of it worked he was on a rampage to hurt her or me. So after ten mins of this i gave him one spank on his bottom and he went to his room came out 3 mins later and was fine. But the older son 7 three days later said something to his mom and she called very upset about it. She is now told the boys not to allow any discipline from me that no matter what their dad says i have no say to them.  He wants to stand his ground so that they understand that when they are in our home they have to follow our house rules. But since he isnt backing down on this his ex had threatened him by saying if he does not back down that she will take full custody of the boys and only allow him visitation if i am not around.  I have tried to be as understanding as i can because im a mother myself and i understand that she is feeling threatened by another mother figure and that can be scary but how do we handle this in the best intrest of everyone?
 
November 16, 2005, 4:05 am CST

Five lockable bedside cabinets

Quote From: akamommyx4

She has been calling the shots with him acting like she was parent he was child. I have been dealing with that. With him and her. Its hard when you get your way all the time and then i come in the picture and all that is not acceptable. She use to hit him in anger when i first came on the scene. I understand what she learns now she will use in her adult life. Trying to get him to get past her manipulation is hard. She is using manipulation and trying to say i'll just move my stuff to my moms, as a bargaining chip. She needs to learn that isnt going to work and thats not how families function. She has never had a family and doesnt know what it looks like. I need ideas to get her excited about family. She wanted bros and sisters and now she has them. She wants things her way and unfortunately we cant add on, my 3 boys will have the other room and the girls need to share. My kids are here 2 days a week and every other weekend like her. They dont live here full time either. Do i move my daughter in the boys room and say in 1 month my daughter is moving in your room? Will that give her time to accept it? There is a win/win some where and i need to find what works for my family. Any ideas? 

THanks for your replies. 

See if you can purchase 5 lockable bedside cabinets or reasonably large fire safes - duplicate keys to be kept with you and your fiance.  At your step daughter's age you have lots of small treasures you don't want anybody touching in your absence.   

  

As for moving stuff out - let her do it.  Then she can write a list of all the things she will need to bring each visit.  Things will creep back as she gets sick of packing and repacking.    

  

The only thing that will sort this out is time, particularly if your children are older than her.  In the meantime try to organise a family activity every weekend all the children are with you.   

 
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