When I saw the show on step-parenting, a lot of things rang true with my life & that of a couple of families on the show. I have a stepdaughter who I have consistently been around since she was 8 1/2 yrs. old. I also have 2 girls from my first marriage and 1 with my husband now (step-daughters father). We've been married almost 10 yrs and although I knew things would not be 100% perfect, I didnt think they would turn out the way they have. Although my 2 girls, one with learning disabilities/disorders & the other extremely introverted, they accepted their new stepdad immediately! I thought that it would be a problem since they only had me for 6 yrs. to themselves and would have difficulties adjusting to him. They were 7 & 4 when my husband was killed & had not called anyone else 'dad' in a long time. They, over the years, have had their separate challenges & at some point within the last 2 yrs or so, began to exhibit defiance or rather not feeling that it wasnt a 'big deal or important when my husband would ask or remind them to do things - they would agree but get distracted doing something else & it didnt get done. I wont say they never exhibited attitude with him on things but it was far less than what I received from them & his daughter. I learned later that most of the time they felt that his daughter didnt have to do things or get away with things so that agitation would come out in various ways. My stepdaughter was really sweet & helpful and lapped up any attention or affection I showed her and even called me Mommy, in the beginning and I always treated her as I would any other child of a friend or family member until she was verbally disrespectful (10 yrs old) 5 mths after her dad & I officially were dating ( I had known him for 2 yrs previously as a friend-plutonically) in front of her dad & it shocked me that he said he understood why she responded the way she did. I was very upset but contained myself until we were alone & I spoke with him & suggested he talk to her, but then thought that maybe a talk to all the kids about respect & what it means, would be a better idea & not single one person out. He didnt have a problem with it but once he talked to them & I backed him up supportively. From that moment on, that little girl changed into someone I didnt know. I saw the changes immediately in her demeanor but silently I know how kids are & assumed she was just a little upset but would get over it. Not so, the next day I went on as if normal but noticed that she would stay away from me when we were around & she stopped calling me mommy. I didnt worry about it, but kept observing and then began to notice that she would find ways to manipulate her father, she often sat on his lap or in between his legs while he sat, often asleep because of his work schedule, & when I would say nicely to her that it was time for bed, she would say she's not sleepy or some other excuse to stay up. Or she would wake him up deliberately to talk to him etc. If he fell asleep on the couch, thats where she wanted to stay, if he stayed up, she stayed up. He would not make her do much of anything the other kids were required to do & in the beginning I knew she was adjusting to her parents being apart (although her mother was really not a mother to her, her father did most things for her & spent the most time with her) etc, and I didnt want to add to that so I would ask him to talk to her about any problems, lack of schedule or structure etc. I learned years later that if he is not in agreement with me, it would show/or he would say 'I' wanted this or that, not we as their parents - so that didnt help. Then after we were married I would talk to him more about our initial discussions before marriage about discipline, respect, bounderies etc, that he told me then that we were on the same page with & me needing to have his cooperation were she was concerned because she was his daughter & therefore it was his responsibility to see that she obeyed/cooperated etc as I would do with mine if needed. 5 mths after we married, he began working eve/night shift which left me to care for all the girls doing that time with homework, chores, baths, curfews, time-frames for indoor activities, bedtime etc. As time went on, I began to get more and more frustrated because she knew that while her father was gone, I couldnt contact him & she would manipulate this to her advantage - stay up late, ignore me, roll her eyes, make inappropriate gestures when she didnt think I could see her, you name it! I would talk to her & maybe send her to the room but never really disciplined her myself but I had to at least send her for time out or something after a while because she would tell her dad all kind or stories about me treating her unfairly & being mean to her while he was gone even his family for a very long time had/some still have, the impression per her stories, that I was mistreating her too! THey compensated by taking her shopping or movies (not my girls), take her to the mall (not my girls), let her spend the nilght, (not my girls). I couldnt believe this child was so manipulative and cunning, she had everyone in her back pocket. And heaven forbid that if she was asked to go somewhere w/family (his) & one or both of my girls were asked too, she would say she didnt want to go anymore. With her friends, she would tell my girls that their mom didnt 'know them' and didnt feel comfortable letting them come. She told my middle daughter that her dads family wasnt my daughters family, just hers. When my daughter was 8 & she was 10, she would pull evil tricks on her, touch her inappropriately, tie her up (she said in 'play') and whenever I would relay these events to her dad, if he asked her & she said no she didnt, he believed her every time & when his back was turned, she would smirk because she 'won'. I felt that I was in competition with her & her mom, who was still trying to stay 'close' friends with my husband. I felt his daughter was his best friend & confidant - when I should be, his ex was 'just a friend' he would do things for when she asked him to - when that was supposed to me. Jealous? I would say that if I was or am, its only of how much he does for others when I should be first in his life but I feel like the 3rd wheel. His ex attended every event held at his siblings houses for 6 1/2 yrs, uninvited. She would deliberately pull him to the side and talk at length about nothing, she would make sarcastic remarks directed at me in front of everyone or say other harsh things that I really tried to ignore & kept from getting into it with her because my stepdaughters & my kids were usually present too and I didnt want to do anything negative that wouldnt set a good example. When I would say something to my husband, he would just say 'ignore her' & over the years I felt that he didnt have my 'back' as he claims, at home or with anyone else. Then he would wonder why I would get stressed when a holiday or something came up & I knew she would probably be there as if that is 'her' family. Some of the family members saw things but didnt want to get involved or felt it was my husbands place to do something. His ex would even say if she was asked why she showed up, that 'she can be where ever her daughter is'... As teenagers, all the girls have had their issues but my stepdaughter still has her father's head in the sand & he continues to be oblivious to her wrong doings: having boys in the house & using my daughters as lookouts, sleeping with older guys at 15, going to clubs when her dad thinks she's at 'a friends', some of the intimate things she did to guys or had done to her where done at these 'friends' houses when the parents werent there etc. Even though he's been told, he finds excuses or says that its just gossip etc. She's lived with us the last five years consistently & before that, 10 mths consistently & 2 yrs, every holiday, weekend, spring break etc. Her mother always has something better to do or getting evicted from one place or another. I have been there fore her daughter when she was sick with the flu, wiping her mouth when she vomited, sponged bathed her to get her temp down, taken off work so my husband didnt have to since he made less money than I, when she was sick or out of school, took her to work when she was 'off-track' at school, every holiday & birthday bought gifts for her (when my husband couldnt), helped pick out/purchase school supplies & clothes, bought her things 'just because' , taken her out to lunch or dinner, mall etc basically anything I do for my own kids & she basically hates me! She told her dad at 11, that she wished he hadnt gotten married & stayed by himself with her. Another time, that she thought I was only buying things for her to impress him. When she acts out, she tells people that 'she has issues with me' so they will feel sorry for me, even when things at that time were okay! Or that she hasnt adjusted to sharing a room w/2 other girls etc. Now that she is 18, she just recently moved in with her mother because I had given her & my 19 yr. old choices to either stay and be respectful, obey the house rules, help out around the house, go to school/or work or if they wanted to continue to cause problems, not cooperate, lay around and not do anything & not be responsible for their own actions then they needed to make arrangements to leave. She told me that the rules/respect stuff wouldnt matter because she was moving in w/her mom when her mom got a place that summer. It took 9-10 mths., but they are both living elsewhere, my stepdaughter only calls for her dad & occasionally says hello if he tells her I'm home, so he thinks she's being polite, when she comes by, its for money usually, she calls him to pick her up/take her places or goes to church with him from her moms place so she doesnt have to come over to see anyone else, she never asks about my eldest daughter who's out of state or try to call. I hope I made the right decision in this because for years I took the brunt of all the negativity & tried to problem solve as time went on even without my husbands help a lot of the time because he didnt agree. Incidently, both recently started working which is good I hope as a mother, that things go well in their lives and even though my stepdaughter my never accept, respect or love me, that maybe one day she will at least admit to herself that I loved her thats why I did the things for her, took care of her, taught her things etc, not because I was obligated to, and that even if she never admits it to me, she took some of the values & principles I tried to teach her as well as my own children, and apply them to her (their) life. Anyone have any comments on how I could have handled things differently? Have a similar problem? Was my husband right to back his daughter/help his ex even though I was uncomfortable or felt it was wrong? Please respond
