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Topic : Step-Parenting
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February 21, 2006, 10:19 am PST
 I am sick of both my step children! I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and married for almost 8. My step kids were 11(Janelle) and 7(Mike) my kids were very little, 4(Dan), 3(Jess)& 2(Laura). At first there were little bumps that I thought weren't too bad. SD had an imaginary friend when she was about 4 or 5 same name as mine. SD's grandma told her that she had real friend now since I came along, not imaginary. I think that's were alot of the problems with her started. She didn't see me as a parent, but a friend. She felt that since she was so much older than the other kids that she should be included in everything that my husband and I did. She and I have butted heads when I speak up and not let her walk all over everyone. She has the attitude that she is the only one that matters. She is the only granddaughter and was supposed to be an only child and she was raised that way for her first 4 years of life. Her Grand parents still baby her at age 20. Her brother has been babied by them also but was never quite as special. He was just the baby. I am tired of them and their better than everyone attitudes. If my husband and I tell those two no they go to their grandparents and get it. I have tried talking to the GP but to no avail. They figure that since their daughter isn't around that they have to make up for it. SS has always had a problem with lying. It affected his grades he failed last year and GP wanted to pay for summer school. I put my foot done and told them straight out he was told like ALL of the kids were told "If you fail because you're not doing your work then you will repeat the grade". I was not going to do extra running for him when he didn't put in the effort in the first place. Secondly he didn't want to go to summer school. His lying and disobedience escalated to where he started getting into drugs. I was taking him for counseling and making sure he didn't have access to cash so he couldn't buy drugs. GP's gave him money didn't think a 15YO boy should be without cash on hand. I think that the counseling has worked I don't think he is using at this time. SD barley graduated from HS. She is 20 and does work. She lives at home and does NOTHING at all to help around the house. She can't be bothered to help bring in groceries from the car, help clean up around the house, help with cooking dinner, help by doing dishes, or anything else. My husband and I have gotten into arguments about it several times, to no avail. Shae claims she is too busy, or doesn't know what needs done around the house. He said he was going to make up lists for her to help out around here. I am just grumpy and b@#chy all the time because nothing gets done. I'm not supposed to say anything because she might get depressed and upset with herself about it. I am about ready to explode from keeping my mouth shut!!! I want her to move out! We are putting our house up for sale in May and I told my husband that she is not moving with us and to have a talk with her so she can start looking for an apartment. Hubby says he will tell her but not just yet. She doesn't want to live with GP's because they are too nosy. But yet she will put up with it when she wants something from them. I don't know what more to do. I have really thought long and hard about leaving my husband because of his kids. I love my husband but can't stand to be around these brats much longer. What more can I do? |
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February 21, 2006, 11:19 pm PST
Quote From: mairi4 thankyou so much for showing me there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad i am not alone with this issue, I was starting to think i was just a horrible person. i used to feel guilty about that maybe i was being too strict but now when i look back im really glad that i was strict and stuck with it, they will do everything they can to make you feel guilty so that you let them do what they want but eventually they will change. if you ever get stressed out or just need to talk to some one who understands email me at jessicadrabble@slingshot.co.nz |
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February 22, 2006, 5:25 pm PST
Quote From: sirlowie I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her. I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope. I have been in this child's life since she was two. When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them. In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend. Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother. This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex. Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter. We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us. She and I have had problems for the past two years. The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I. He does not difuse this situation very well. She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons. I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them. Please give any advice you can.
hey girl..i am a 21 year old college student and i am not married to my man yet, but we do live together and he has a 6 year old daughter who visits us every two weeks...so i am technically beginning my life as a step mommy to this little girl. I have been reading a few books to help make this transition a bit easier..which is not easy by any means..and i am actually into the chapter that i think might help you. The book is called: "The single girl's guide to marrying a man, his kids, and his ex-wife"..i am not sure how old your step kids are..but if they are in their pre teens the books suggests that that behavior against you is intolerable and should be reprimended by the father. the book also stresses that you need to stand your ground and demand respect. let the kids know that you won't tolerate their behavior. i really do recommend this book because it helps becoming a stepmother with humor and grace. i know i am just a new "step mommy" so i dont have any experience with this problem..but i thought i would share what i have read from this book. hope your situation gets a bit better. yurani |
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February 22, 2006, 5:31 pm PST
Quote From: kkaren1966 I am a step mother to 3 grown girls 21, 19 and 16. 21 lives with me, my husband and our 7yo doughter together. the other live with their mother. We have been together since the 16yo was 8 and to be honest I am glad they are grown now as it has not been a pleasant expeience at all. Just last night the 19yo had her father take her to look at cars and I warned him that she would want him to co-sign a loan and of course I was right. Anyway his credit is not so good and neither is the bio mom's so I was approached to co-sign and I refused and now I am the bad guy. This child is in college working part time and I am not willing to risk my credit standing on her. Am I the bad guy? like the above have said..stick to your guns..while im sure you love your man and care for his children, you are the only person who is there to watch out for yourself. |
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February 23, 2006, 11:56 am PST
My husband & I married last fall, between the two of us we have 6 children. My 17yr. old daughter lives with her father and step-mother; my 19yr. old son is away serving in the USAF; and I have a 6yr. old daughter who lives with my husband, my 14yr. old step-son, and me--she has never had any contact whatsoever with her father, who left me while I was pregnant with her. My husband has 3 children, a 7yr. old daughter & 12yr. old son who live with their mother and step-father. The mother claims the 14yr. old son who lives with us is a problem child and does not want him disrupting their family.
My step son is a good kid however he has a lot of problems that have been dumped on him by his parents and other adults whose emotions and anger have created a very sad and frustrating environment for him. We just recently moved 2000 miles from our home town, 2000 miles from my husband's ex-wife and children/my step-son's mother and siblings. He has shown incredible improvements in school, from failing to straight A's; and for the first time it seems as though he has made some friends. However the problem is at home, between him and my 6yr. old daughter.
My step-son is very big for his age--6ft. 2in. & weighs more than 225lbs; and my daughter is extremely small for her age--45in. tall and weighs 42lbs. Of course my daughter is going to get on his, and everyone else's, nerves at times simply because she is 6yrs. old. The problem is that my step-son physically takes out his frustrations on her, kicking her (even lightly, with boots on, it leaves bruises due to his size vs. her small body) and pushing her.
He also screams at her, things such as "shut up" and he calls her a brat and a bitch; and we have the constant issue with him giving her the finger at the same time he is screaming at her. My husband and I have told him these things are not acceptable however he continues to do these and other things without consequences--my husband does not agree with me that a child should not be talked to, nor should a child be allowed to talk to anyone, in such a manner therefore no punishment is ever carried out.
Here is the latest, and to me the HUGEST, of all issues--because my husband has from day 1 hated the fact that my daughter "tattles" rather than taking up for herself (don't get me wrong, she is not always innocent and she receives punishment from both myself and my husband), she was instructed to basically be a smart ass whenever the problems with her step-brother are verbal. Yesterday my step son struck a pose similar to that of a prissy woman and my daughter called him a woman...they argued back and forth a couple of times and then, according to my daughter, he decided to PROVE his "manhood" by dropping his pants and coupling his balls and penis. She came tearing downstairs telling me what had happened.
Of course his story--storieSSS--were not quite the same as the one she has told exactly the same each and every time; and his stories did not add up.
My husband and I ended up fighting about the whole thing, because he does not see how/why we should pursue this issue since we did not witness the ordeal and therefore we have no way of knowing the truth. I refuse to allow this one to be put off because to me this is very serious. I suggested we take both children in for counseling this afternoon after school, in an effort to get the truth and the reason behind this latest incident. He disagreed and called me during his lunch break to inform me that we would take it up with each child separately this evening and then make a ruling as to whom we believe is telling the truth.
I am certain this incident was reported accurately by my daughter, as I was home and heard enough of what went on to know it was more than possible. In addition, I asked my daughter what color underwear he was wearing and without hesitation she said Gray; and my stepson confirmed to me that he was in fact wearing Gray underwear.
My husband and I fight regularly about the kids--he believes I baby my daughter; and I pick on his son. Actually quite the opposite is true. I do not place expectations nor do I deliver punishment to his son (whom I love as though he is my son--essentially he is MY child as I am his legal guardian and his father is my husband, a man I love very much and I LOVE my step-son) like I do with my daughter simply because I am the parent who is home with the children 90% of the time and after all I am his step-mother. Also, to be very honest, I think I have been a little afraid my step-son would further hurt my daughter in order to get back at me.
Please help! Am I overreacting to this latest incident? And, is there any way to get my husband to realize that I am not against his son but rather we are all on the same team? |
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February 24, 2006, 4:29 am PST
Quote From: re_pro My husband & I married last fall, between the two of us we have 6 children. My 17yr. old daughter lives with her father and step-mother; my 19yr. old son is away serving in the USAF; and I have a 6yr. old daughter who lives with my husband, my 14yr. old step-son, and me--she has never had any contact whatsoever with her father, who left me while I was pregnant with her. My husband has 3 children, a 7yr. old daughter & 12yr. old son who live with their mother and step-father. The mother claims the 14yr. old son who lives with us is a problem child and does not want him disrupting their family.
My step son is a good kid however he has a lot of problems that have been dumped on him by his parents and other adults whose emotions and anger have created a very sad and frustrating environment for him. We just recently moved 2000 miles from our home town, 2000 miles from my husband's ex-wife and children/my step-son's mother and siblings. He has shown incredible improvements in school, from failing to straight A's; and for the first time it seems as though he has made some friends. However the problem is at home, between him and my 6yr. old daughter.
My step-son is very big for his age--6ft. 2in. & weighs more than 225lbs; and my daughter is extremely small for her age--45in. tall and weighs 42lbs. Of course my daughter is going to get on his, and everyone else's, nerves at times simply because she is 6yrs. old. The problem is that my step-son physically takes out his frustrations on her, kicking her (even lightly, with boots on, it leaves bruises due to his size vs. her small body) and pushing her.
He also screams at her, things such as "shut up" and he calls her a brat and a bitch; and we have the constant issue with him giving her the finger at the same time he is screaming at her. My husband and I have told him these things are not acceptable however he continues to do these and other things without consequences--my husband does not agree with me that a child should not be talked to, nor should a child be allowed to talk to anyone, in such a manner therefore no punishment is ever carried out.
Here is the latest, and to me the HUGEST, of all issues--because my husband has from day 1 hated the fact that my daughter "tattles" rather than taking up for herself (don't get me wrong, she is not always innocent and she receives punishment from both myself and my husband), she was instructed to basically be a smart ass whenever the problems with her step-brother are verbal. Yesterday my step son struck a pose similar to that of a prissy woman and my daughter called him a woman...they argued back and forth a couple of times and then, according to my daughter, he decided to PROVE his "manhood" by dropping his pants and coupling his balls and penis. She came tearing downstairs telling me what had happened.
Of course his story--storieSSS--were not quite the same as the one she has told exactly the same each and every time; and his stories did not add up.
My husband and I ended up fighting about the whole thing, because he does not see how/why we should pursue this issue since we did not witness the ordeal and therefore we have no way of knowing the truth. I refuse to allow this one to be put off because to me this is very serious. I suggested we take both children in for counseling this afternoon after school, in an effort to get the truth and the reason behind this latest incident. He disagreed and called me during his lunch break to inform me that we would take it up with each child separately this evening and then make a ruling as to whom we believe is telling the truth.
I am certain this incident was reported accurately by my daughter, as I was home and heard enough of what went on to know it was more than possible. In addition, I asked my daughter what color underwear he was wearing and without hesitation she said Gray; and my stepson confirmed to me that he was in fact wearing Gray underwear.
My husband and I fight regularly about the kids--he believes I baby my daughter; and I pick on his son. Actually quite the opposite is true. I do not place expectations nor do I deliver punishment to his son (whom I love as though he is my son--essentially he is MY child as I am his legal guardian and his father is my husband, a man I love very much and I LOVE my step-son) like I do with my daughter simply because I am the parent who is home with the children 90% of the time and after all I am his step-mother. Also, to be very honest, I think I have been a little afraid my step-son would further hurt my daughter in order to get back at me.
Please help! Am I overreacting to this latest incident? And, is there any way to get my husband to realize that I am not against his son but rather we are all on the same team? I think this is escalating and you are not getting the support you want from your husband because you expect too much from your stepson in the way of tolerance of your daughter. He's effectively been disowned by his mother, shifted 2000 miles from anything familiar and turned his school career around in a very short space of time. Speaking as an ex-teacher, albeit one who taught in England, that is a fourteen year old boy who comes home from school very stressed. He needs time to himself at home to wind down. If he doesn't get it there is no hope of him dealing tolerantly with a 6 year old smartass - because he's been biting his tongue all day instead of mouthing off at teachers and fighting classmates as he used to do.
The truth is probably that your hormonal adolescent stepson temporarily lost any judgement of appropriate behaviour in the face of your six year old little madam repeatedly calling him a woman, and the knowledge that if he complained to you he'd get a lecture on tolerance.
He needs a lecture from his father on the subject of girls and age, self control and the dangers of indulging in behaviour that can be misinterpreted. She needs a lecture from you on the dangers of antagonising people beyond their endurance and looking out for the signs that things are getting to this stage. |
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February 24, 2006, 8:33 am PST
Quote From: re_pro My husband & I married last fall, between the two of us we have 6 children. My 17yr. old daughter lives with her father and step-mother; my 19yr. old son is away serving in the USAF; and I have a 6yr. old daughter who lives with my husband, my 14yr. old step-son, and me--she has never had any contact whatsoever with her father, who left me while I was pregnant with her. My husband has 3 children, a 7yr. old daughter & 12yr. old son who live with their mother and step-father. The mother claims the 14yr. old son who lives with us is a problem child and does not want him disrupting their family.
My step son is a good kid however he has a lot of problems that have been dumped on him by his parents and other adults whose emotions and anger have created a very sad and frustrating environment for him. We just recently moved 2000 miles from our home town, 2000 miles from my husband's ex-wife and children/my step-son's mother and siblings. He has shown incredible improvements in school, from failing to straight A's; and for the first time it seems as though he has made some friends. However the problem is at home, between him and my 6yr. old daughter.
My step-son is very big for his age--6ft. 2in. & weighs more than 225lbs; and my daughter is extremely small for her age--45in. tall and weighs 42lbs. Of course my daughter is going to get on his, and everyone else's, nerves at times simply because she is 6yrs. old. The problem is that my step-son physically takes out his frustrations on her, kicking her (even lightly, with boots on, it leaves bruises due to his size vs. her small body) and pushing her.
He also screams at her, things such as "shut up" and he calls her a brat and a bitch; and we have the constant issue with him giving her the finger at the same time he is screaming at her. My husband and I have told him these things are not acceptable however he continues to do these and other things without consequences--my husband does not agree with me that a child should not be talked to, nor should a child be allowed to talk to anyone, in such a manner therefore no punishment is ever carried out.
Here is the latest, and to me the HUGEST, of all issues--because my husband has from day 1 hated the fact that my daughter "tattles" rather than taking up for herself (don't get me wrong, she is not always innocent and she receives punishment from both myself and my husband), she was instructed to basically be a smart ass whenever the problems with her step-brother are verbal. Yesterday my step son struck a pose similar to that of a prissy woman and my daughter called him a woman...they argued back and forth a couple of times and then, according to my daughter, he decided to PROVE his "manhood" by dropping his pants and coupling his balls and penis. She came tearing downstairs telling me what had happened.
Of course his story--storieSSS--were not quite the same as the one she has told exactly the same each and every time; and his stories did not add up.
My husband and I ended up fighting about the whole thing, because he does not see how/why we should pursue this issue since we did not witness the ordeal and therefore we have no way of knowing the truth. I refuse to allow this one to be put off because to me this is very serious. I suggested we take both children in for counseling this afternoon after school, in an effort to get the truth and the reason behind this latest incident. He disagreed and called me during his lunch break to inform me that we would take it up with each child separately this evening and then make a ruling as to whom we believe is telling the truth.
I am certain this incident was reported accurately by my daughter, as I was home and heard enough of what went on to know it was more than possible. In addition, I asked my daughter what color underwear he was wearing and without hesitation she said Gray; and my stepson confirmed to me that he was in fact wearing Gray underwear.
My husband and I fight regularly about the kids--he believes I baby my daughter; and I pick on his son. Actually quite the opposite is true. I do not place expectations nor do I deliver punishment to his son (whom I love as though he is my son--essentially he is MY child as I am his legal guardian and his father is my husband, a man I love very much and I LOVE my step-son) like I do with my daughter simply because I am the parent who is home with the children 90% of the time and after all I am his step-mother. Also, to be very honest, I think I have been a little afraid my step-son would further hurt my daughter in order to get back at me.
Please help! Am I overreacting to this latest incident? And, is there any way to get my husband to realize that I am not against his son but rather we are all on the same team? This is one problem I can totally relate too. I have a 15 yr old step daughter and a 11 yr old son and for the last seven yrs have fought like real siblings. These kids are fighting because that is what kids do. Especially ones that are so distant in ages. I spent about 1 yr trying to referee fights on the weekends my step daughter was here, about that time I realized they need to figure out how to get a long with each other, I only step in with something totally inappropriate is said or done, and generally they both get in trouble when I have to step in. Any 15 yr old boy would be frustrated and annoyed with a 6 yr old sibling. Albeit, he is handling it quite inappropriatly. As far as the latest incedent goes, look at the signs he is lying about what happened. When kids lie they can never get thier story straight and have to tell two or three versions so they are sure to get one where they should not get into trouble. I don't think he meant to harm her, he is a 14 yr old boy who probably was not thinking before acting. Boys that age can not see the consequences of thier actions until after they act. Dad really needs to sit down and have a talk about inappropriate behavior, and what is not acceptable when it comes to the way he treats his sister. I am not saying the little one should get off scott free. My two boys 11 and 4, fight a lot, many of the fights have to do with age difference things and the little one is constantly tattling. I have taken this stance, not my problem boys. I do not interfere unless I thing bodily harm has come to one or the other or if I hear something inapproiate. When I decided to to do this I was always watching and listening so no one got hurt and so I could stop things I did not want going on. But I also have encourge them to do things together like some video games and having the older one read to the younger one. This has done two things for my boys , they have learned how to get along and reading together and playing some things together has really bonded them. I took the same approach with the older boy and my step daugter. It took them longer but they are getting along pretty good. My son even checks on boys for his sister and has become a very good ally for her because he knows many of the boys she likes through sports and school. I think you and your husband are both right and both wrong about the way you are treating the kids. You and your husband have to discuss the situation openly and be willing to admit what you each have done to contribute to the problem. Come up with a plan to fix it together and implement it together. I told you what worked for me and believe me my husband faught admitted and discussed before we came up with our plan. Just know you are not alone and times will get better it justs takes a plan and some time. |
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February 24, 2006, 1:47 pm PST
Quote From: dottieh This is one problem I can totally relate too. I have a 15 yr old step daughter and a 11 yr old son and for the last seven yrs have fought like real siblings. These kids are fighting because that is what kids do. Especially ones that are so distant in ages. I spent about 1 yr trying to referee fights on the weekends my step daughter was here, about that time I realized they need to figure out how to get a long with each other, I only step in with something totally inappropriate is said or done, and generally they both get in trouble when I have to step in. Any 15 yr old boy would be frustrated and annoyed with a 6 yr old sibling. Albeit, he is handling it quite inappropriatly. As far as the latest incedent goes, look at the signs he is lying about what happened. When kids lie they can never get thier story straight and have to tell two or three versions so they are sure to get one where they should not get into trouble. I don't think he meant to harm her, he is a 14 yr old boy who probably was not thinking before acting. Boys that age can not see the consequences of thier actions until after they act. Dad really needs to sit down and have a talk about inappropriate behavior, and what is not acceptable when it comes to the way he treats his sister. I am not saying the little one should get off scott free. My two boys 11 and 4, fight a lot, many of the fights have to do with age difference things and the little one is constantly tattling. I have taken this stance, not my problem boys. I do not interfere unless I thing bodily harm has come to one or the other or if I hear something inapproiate. When I decided to to do this I was always watching and listening so no one got hurt and so I could stop things I did not want going on. But I also have encourge them to do things together like some video games and having the older one read to the younger one. This has done two things for my boys , they have learned how to get along and reading together and playing some things together has really bonded them. I took the same approach with the older boy and my step daugter. It took them longer but they are getting along pretty good. My son even checks on boys for his sister and has become a very good ally for her because he knows many of the boys she likes through sports and school. I think you and your husband are both right and both wrong about the way you are treating the kids. You and your husband have to discuss the situation openly and be willing to admit what you each have done to contribute to the problem. Come up with a plan to fix it together and implement it together. I told you what worked for me and believe me my husband faught admitted and discussed before we came up with our plan. Just know you are not alone and times will get better it justs takes a plan and some time. Thank you for your advice. Last night we sat each of the children down and discussed with them the reasons each of them is acting as they have. Although there are reasons they should not be used as excuses.
We explained to the 14yr. old that, although he is still considered to be a child, it is not appropriate for him to "play" with the 6yr. old; and, although he refuses to admit any or all of the truth of the incident which occurred the day before, we cannot have any sort of incidents such as that at any time--past, present or future.
He admitted that he is the one who approaches the 6yr. old, going into her room, going downstairs to the family room, etc., and picking on her. He says it is because he is bored. He has been told that, should he hurt her or act inappropriately with her ever again, he will be severely punished. We also explained that, due to the black eye she wore to school for several days last week, he is of an age where the authorities will not believe being grounded, etc., is suitable punishment and they may decide to issue legal punishment for what is considered by us and also the authorities to be nothing short of abuse--due to the age difference; and the fact he is physically hurting her.
The best approach my husband and I have come up with in order to be certain of everything that goes on in our home, since it is impossible to be with both children every minute of every day, is to put baby monitors in the home so we can monitor the neutral territory which is where 90% of all the problems occur. We discussed the violation of privacy but both of us agree this is in no way violating their privacy since the monitors will be stationed in the family room and the den, both of which are open to everyone and not their private spaces.
We also agree that we both have made mistakes and it is NOT worth our marriage to argue and continue allowing the children to "run" the home; but we must immediately step up and take control and allow the kids to be kids, and as we all know kids need rules and consequences whenever they break the rules.
I love the idea of forming things for them to do together...in fact, last night the four of us sat down and watched an hour of the Olympics and it went very well. The main issues stem from our being absent from their presence and therefore we hope the monitors will at least allow us to know, during "big" situations and incidents, what really occurred.
Again thanks...sure wish I got my copy of the parents' manual whenever I gave birth, at least one of the three times. It would definitely make life easier if I knew how to work all the features, proper maintenance, and some operating instructions. |
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March 1, 2006, 12:39 pm PST
Quote From: captiva74 My husbands son came to live with us a few years ago at the age of 16. He was a trouble youth, lacked educational motivation, was frequently delinquent in school, had problems with the law and has problems with drugs and drinks. He is now 18, a high school dropout, smokes pot and has sex in our home, comes home high, sleeps till 2 - pm and has no job. He attends a "credit-recover" program at a local community college. However, I do not think he has been there in over two weeks.
My husband "talks" to him about his choices but never offers consequences. He thinks his son will learn just by having the talks. Recently, my husband gave him our debit card to fill his car up with gas. I was opposed to this because that is enabling his behavior. My other concern is for the other two children we have in our home, (13 y-old boy, 8 y-old girl). The SS has come home so stoned he could barely finish a sentence and giggled all the way through it. Once he came home before the 13 y-old had gone to bed. When my husband speaks to him about his use of pot, the SS says that he is "trying" to quit. This shot a red flag for me saying that he is addicted. Because my husband and I are previous recreational users, my husband feels he is being hypocritical in telling him he shouldn't use.
He stays out until 1am - 3, 4, 5 or even 6:30 am.
When I attempt to suggest and/or disciple the SS, it usually blows up and my husband ends up turning it around to what I did wrong, rather than dealing with the issues of disrespect. Dr. Phil, HELP! Help me help my husband and my step-son before the behavior trickles down and we have to go through this twice more.
I have a 21 year old stepson. Went through everything you did plus so much more. The pot smoking, traffic tickets, not having a job, staying out all night, sleeping all day. Not to mention - since I've been in the family - he is now on his 3rd truck we have bought him. Daddy always bailing him out of everything...I also have a 13 yr old that lives w/ us and we now have a 2 yr old together. I have tried talking to the stepson. He agrees w/ everything you are saying to him and tells you everything you want to hear. But will not put forth an effort to help himself. Well - this past year - he moved in w/ us again for the 2nd time. After about 6 months of putting up w/ everything - I had enough. Told my husband - either he goes or I do. Not only was I tired of it - but what examples were we setting for the other 2. So we helped him get set up in an apartment. And told him HE was on his own. Today - just received an email - saying the engine blew in the truck. Called my husband - he said well - he gets paid every other Friday just like I do...I about fell out of my chair. It took us about 4 years to get to this point. My parents were divorced when I was in the 4th grade. The way I was brought up was - you play you pay!!! To sink or swim....My husband parents - were always together and always loaned money when it was needed. I can understand a loan - but not to just keep giving it. My husband always handled everything by saying something but not wanting to hurt the stepson's feelings. To me - it's called tough love. Our job as parents is to prepare the child for the real world. For starters I would demand the 18 yr old get a job, and I would not care if it was sweeping the floor at McDonald's. And start saving to move out on his own. The bit about having sex in your home - should not be allowed. What is that telling the other 2 children? And plus - what is going to happen if he gets someone pregnant? |
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March 2, 2006, 12:21 am PST
Quote From: cajunmama2 I have a 21 year old stepson. Went through everything you did plus so much more. The pot smoking, traffic tickets, not having a job, staying out all night, sleeping all day. Not to mention - since I've been in the family - he is now on his 3rd truck we have bought him. Daddy always bailing him out of everything...I also have a 13 yr old that lives w/ us and we now have a 2 yr old together. I have tried talking to the stepson. He agrees w/ everything you are saying to him and tells you everything you want to hear. But will not put forth an effort to help himself. Well - this past year - he moved in w/ us again for the 2nd time. After about 6 months of putting up w/ everything - I had enough. Told my husband - either he goes or I do. Not only was I tired of it - but what examples were we setting for the other 2. So we helped him get set up in an apartment. And told him HE was on his own. Today - just received an email - saying the engine blew in the truck. Called my husband - he said well - he gets paid every other Friday just like I do...I about fell out of my chair. It took us about 4 years to get to this point. My parents were divorced when I was in the 4th grade. The way I was brought up was - you play you pay!!! To sink or swim....My husband parents - were always together and always loaned money when it was needed. I can understand a loan - but not to just keep giving it. My husband always handled everything by saying something but not wanting to hurt the stepson's feelings. To me - it's called tough love. Our job as parents is to prepare the child for the real world. For starters I would demand the 18 yr old get a job, and I would not care if it was sweeping the floor at McDonald's. And start saving to move out on his own. The bit about having sex in your home - should not be allowed. What is that telling the other 2 children? And plus - what is going to happen if he gets someone pregnant? I have a daughter that is on her way to serious trouble. I have told her that if she continues she will be out at age 18 years. She told me "even if I am homless?" I said "absolutely". She is living in dream world most of the time. She actually said to me last Friday "You are not going to let me drive your car next year when I have a license?" I told her that if she continues on her path (drinking at school, hanging out with druggies, lying continuously) that she is not going to be driving at all until she is 18. My car is a deadly weapon to a kid who is out of control. She was totally confused. She is out to lunch most of the time about her behavior. I asked her if she felt if she was out of control at all. She said "no". That is the kind of attitude that will keep her hoofing it around town. I think that the husband of the 18 year old son needs to politely tell his son that he had better start contributing to the family household or he has 6 months to move out. If he smoke pot and comes home stoned I will shave 1 week off of his time to move for every infraction. This will give hime the message really quickly to get with the program at home. Talking is doing nothing. I talk to my 14 year old and she agrees and tells me what I want to hear and then goes out and does what she wants. So talk is cheap. Parents I feel for you but with other younger children I would not tolerate illicit drug use, and would be outraged if my daughter was having sex in our home with young children there. |
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