Topic : Step-Parenting

The boys sound like they need someone to talk to and their mom needs a shrink!  Their behavior is screaming notice me!  Killing a hamster is a act that should have dire consquences.  I know it sounds cliche' but take them to the jail and have the cops talk to them and show them what their road looks like!  

  

My moms ex husband was the same way as their mom sounds.....he has been in and out of jail more time than I can count. 

  

OK, I'm no expert, not by any means.  As far as you go, your hands are tied.  In my experience, YOU can't really do anything.  Your husband/significant other is the one that is going to have to do something.  HE is the one that had the children with this woman.  HE is the one that is going to have to say, "Listen lady, we don't appreciate what is happening."  If it comes from YOU she is just going to get worse.  Your husband is going to have to say something to the effect of, " I won't allow you to badmouth me or my new wife/significant other to our children."  He needs to let her know that you both hear everything she says through the children.  If you say it, she is going to feel like you are stepping in where you don't belong.  He brought you into this situation, not her, and she will not welcome your input.  As far as the children go, it sounds like you are doing the best you can to raise them with her.  However, it is inappropriate for them to say the things they are saying to you and your husband. You didn't say how old they are, but depending on their ages, they should not be allowed to repeat the things she says about you.  But again, that is going to fall to your significant other to let the children know that it's not appropriate.  You can show support of your husband, you can follow through on his punishments, you can talk to him about it. But as far as you approaching the ex....I would suggest against it.  It is generally better if the words are said through the biological parent.   

     I am a step mom to 4 girls, only 2 live with us though. I have a 8 yr son also that lives with my husband and I.  The girls are 9 and 11.  My husband is a truck driver is gone most of the week.  I have nothing but trouble with the kids.  I could go on forever with the problems that I am having, but I will just give you the basics and hopefully someone can give me some advice.  They don't listen to me, back talk me, talk about me behind my back.  They are totally different when dad comes home.  My son and the oldest play together and leave the 9 yr old out most of the time and I have to listen to her whining and crying.  They say they are not doing anything wrong when u confront themabout leaving her out.  OH we asked her if she wanted to play, well they should ask they should just let her play.  Most of the time she has to do what they want to do when she does play with them.  The kids have really changed since we got married almost a yr ago.  But the funny thing is we lived together before we got married for a yr, so nothing really changed.  The girls act and treat me like they hate me.  My son treats my husband the same way.  It is taking a big toll on me because I am the only one here and my husband can't discipline them over the phone.  He told them this week before he left that if things didn't change this week when he got back all their toys and tv and gameboys were going to be taken away from them.  They didn't take him serious I guess because it hasn't changed.  The kids use to do chores but not since we moved.  Everything has changed so much and my husband and I don't know what to do anymore with the kids.  Give me give me give me is all it is anymore.  I can't get them to listen or mind me and I am at my wits end   I was a long time ago.  Any advice?

I know exactly what Dr. Phil would say- you and your husband, when he is home, must have a united front with the children. Meaning, you must have the same ideas about discipline, chores, and general expectations for the kids. It is understandable that you are at the end of your rope, but it is never too late to teach the kids discipline and respect. Respect for you, for their father, and for themselves, too. Its time to take control. Write down your expectations of the children, and then make a list with words that they will understand to print out and put on the fridge. (Example: put toys away when done playing.) When the kids fulfill a chore, let them know they will be rewarded with allowance, but no allowance if they don’t do the chores. You must be consistant, follow through, mean what you say and say what you mean. It will be difficult for the first week, but if you make a resolution with yourself to stay strong, you will notice that as time goes on, it will get easier.
Another method that Dr. Phil recommends is to clean out the child’s room, everything but the bed, pillow and blanket, and have them earn back their belongings. You can do this on a smaller scale, also- by just taking the things that they like the most, things that they would really work for.
Its not easy to blend families. Another suggestion is Dr. Phil’s book, “family first” it has so much valuable information, advice and ideas on how to build strong family ties. I wish you well!

     My husband and I don't agree on discipline.  He wants to spank and I don't   I yell too much and I hate it.  He can't stand how frustrated I am when he calls or when he gets home.  We know things need to change but don't know how.  Like just now I took the girls gameboys away for dirty looks and not listening and some other things they did yesterday.  They threw a fit, I got talking behind my back and dirty looks,  if looks could kill I would be dead.  They asked can we have them back  I just took them away and they think they are going to get them back just like that.  It is unreal.  I give in alot too that is my biggest fault.  It was so hot yesterday and I put a little pool up for the kids well my husband came home and saw it and threw a fit because I was rewarding them with it he said.  So I was wrong doing that.  We fight mostly all the time about discipline and the way I am with the kids.  I am not a great mom I have no patience and get frustrated very easy. and stressed so easy, I worry about everything.  SO I don't know what to do about any of this at all.

  Hi all ,  As  about  40% of society is blended families..  like myself. I  have done it 2x  now with 2 different women and  4 different children and have 2 children of my own.  My ex  is a true  witch that use to do everything possible to sabotage my life and relationships.  Alot  of step-parenting is of course different with different ages .  First thing people need to do is come up with a plan," where you want  to be " , with the kids and how to get there... .   If mom and dad  (step whoever) can't agree on "where they need to be" with the kids, aswell as rules and disipline,  then how do you move forward...?  I truly believe that positive communication and honesty is the key .. Remember not to get mad at someone for being honest, but respect each others opinions and views.  Now for the step-parents ,  we as step-parents need to put ourselves in the children shoes,,,,, but before that ,me must remove our own.... think about it...  You need to make sure the children know that  your not replacing the other parent and your not trying to be their parent.  Never sink to the level that some other people  (ex s)  do, you can not control what they do anyway.   I personally  have just ignored the ex and what she has said or done.. I never sink to her level and  I make sure the kids are aware of it .  Be the better person.  Now for the childrens part, depending on the age .  I suggest sitting down with everyone and get everything out on the table...  If things are not working (broken)  then you must find out  whats not working and why ? ,Y ou can"t fix the problem(s) unless you know what the problems are.  I  know it's hard to do in todays busy society , but  remember ,children that are shuffled around do need  more  individual  time with mom and dad ,together and  seperately (step or not) . It  will pay off in the long run, so please take the time.      Every home should have rules , chores, and activity time..   And remember your the PARENT...  Good luck  all .. R.J.M.   

   

Hello there.,, I've never understood why people can not be mature adults after break-ups...?  

I was once in your boyfriends shoes.  My ex was a true witch trying  to control me and what i did with our children . She use to always bad mouth me to the kids and use them against me. I would never react to her doings, I was always being the better person and felt better in doing so. Remember we can not control what others do, say ,and act, we can only control ourselves... I admit i was intimidated by her and her threats and  b.s. ,but how long and why should people live like that,...?  I believe you need to stand up and speak your peace (be mature) and say how you feel, and remember never let someone else determine how your going to feel and (re) act....Remember kids are very smart  and can often "play parents" . my advice is be open and honest,and your boyfriend needs to stop letting the ex pull the strings . He needs to realize that his ex is just that , the EX.. , he is with you now and needs to put his focus in you life together.. Good luck, and pray  ,it works ... RJM  

 Hello there, What a delema.. It sounds like your husband needs to get help......You know we lead by example, what is you husband thinking... ?!  Children have fears, I've had this problem with my son.  My suggestion to you would be , make a dentist app. for yourself and let your son sit in and watch , hopefully he'll see that your fine ,and he might even find it interesting..  Now your husband , my my , someone needs to learn patiance and empathy.. Children need  POSITIVE  re-inforcement  NOT NEGATIVE..  I' am  sorry  for your husband  thats a shame . You know we as people leave an imprint in life and on others  in everything we do  , now would your husband rather leave a good imprint or a bad  one....?  Good luck....

A little background first.  I was divorced with 3 girls and my husband was divorced with 2 boys.  We married 8 years ago and it has been one thing after another with his ex wife and the boys.  I am just at a point where I am not sure I can deal with it anymore.  When we first married the girls were 3, 8, 10 and the boys were 4 and 5.  My  husband adopted my girls and that was just the beginning of a long road of issues with the exwife.  We've been to court numerous times because his exwife seems to have a desire to create, control and manipulate not only my husband but anyone who will listen.  Luckily nothing has ever come out of her escapades legally other than her looking foolish.  But it still causes stress in mine and my husband relationship.  Here we are now being married 8 years and nothing has changed.  The boys are becoming just as manipulative as the exwife and I am not sure how this can be changed, handled or dealt with anymore.  My husband refuses to do or say anything that will upset the exwife or the boys in fear they will not visit.  They threaten and he just does whatever to keep the peace with them.  Regardless of how it is going to affect anyone else.  The boys are happy to come over as long as we are taking them somewhere, buying them something, etc...  They have no respect for anyone in our home.  If they don't like they way things or going or we aren't catering to their desires, they call their mom and tell her that they don't feel safe at our house or they are being mistreated or they just want to come home.  She shows up or demands we bring them home and this isn't a once in awhile thing.  This is almost every month.  Or at the last minute they call and say they have made other plans.........they are out of town when we show up to get them (no call, nothing)...they don't get their way and they say they hate my husband and that they aren't coming over and they never want to see him again.  Until the next time they want to come over or go somewhere with us.  I understand they are children and are going to do things that all kids will do to get their way......but I think this is out of control and just crazy.  I mean, we have the girls living with us and I would never allow them to act the way the boys do.  Which in turn creates a whole new set of issues.  Because when the boys come over, they can do or say whatever they want with no consequences for their actions, yet the girls still have rules to live by.  I am feeling like I am just ready to throw in the towel.  The stress alone is making me crazy.  On one hand I feel like telling my husband that the boys just can not come over anymore and on the other hand I want to demand that he make them come over on their scheduled visits and quit letting them and the exwife walk all over him (and our family at the same time).  However, this has been going on for 8 years and I don't see that it is ever going to change.  He has been saying over and over he'll try and do things differently, handle situations differently but it never works out that way.  My husband is now saying that we'll just get the boys whenever they want to comeover and not stick to a scheduled plan.  He says he is going to tell them they can just call us when they want to come over and we'll get them.  I guess that sounds okay, but how do we make any kind of plans?!?  Instead we are going to be required to drop everything we are doing and go get the boys when they say because now he is giving them all the control (at age 12/13).  And that wouldn't always be a problem because we do things that they can just do with us.. but there are times when we have other plans that we may not be able to include them in.  (For example) We just went to a graduation for our daughter's boyfriend that he could only get so many tickets for and because we did not know if they boys were going to be with us, we didn't have tickets for them .. and there were no extra tickets available...... So they decide that is the weekend they are going to be coming over.  Not to mention we had already made plans to go to a function that you must RSVP that same weekend.  Which the issue wasn't they couldn't come, because the girls weren't going either.. it ended up being that they weren't getting to spend enough time with their dad because he was gone while they were over.  Instead of them understanding they let us know at the last minute they were coming over and we had other plans.. they were upset that we didn't just change our whole schedule to please them.  My husband has felt guilty for the break up his marriage/family (eventhough he tried everything to make the marriage work)... and he can't seem to let go of the guilt and move past it.  And I am at a point where I can't take it anymore.   Sorry this seems a bit long and probably all jumbled up and confusing.... 

  

Does anyone have any advice...........suggestions.... comments................  

i have 2 sstep children and two of my own. out of the 7 years we have been married we have been in and out of court 3 times and about to go to the fourth! we got the kids 2 years ago b/c the mother gave the kids to her mother and wasnt taking care of them. the biggest problem was the verbal bashing that came from their mother and grandmother.  the kids told everything they said about us when they came over and recently when they would come back from the mothers house. it is sickening, frustrating that they do this. my husband and i agree with you guys about not saying anything about their family is  the right thing. and i have even gone further to always make sure they get their mom and birthday and mothers day present. and I pay for it!! they are 15 and 14 years old. and the oldest lies and manipulates just like her mother does. treats me like crap but when her father comes home is so sweet. i see right through it. then if thing sdont go the way she wants she complains to her mother that I (again, I )am being mean to her.not her dad. 

 i took her mother in our house when she lost a place to live. in my own house! got my friend to keep her. yet i have had to put up with this nonsense. my step daughter has lied and broken my trustn so many times im tired of trying. i want a good relationship but there comes a point when it becomes futile.  

  

in an ideal world having your husband say something would work. but it is not. people who do this dont care about you, your husband or their kids. all they care about is the pain and anger they feel about their situation. so they use their children as pawns to hurt your husband and you. thats the only way they can live their pathetic life. by hurting their kids in the meanwhile. it is sickening.  

  

i guess i say all this to 1-let you know your not alone, 2-there is only so much you can do. i have come to that realization, not with out hesitaiton and alot of thoughtl, but with other kids to take care of, myself and my husband to take care of ,that relationship is no longer a priority. it sounds harsh but after years of trying, reaching out, then getting stabbed in the back. there is only so much a person can take. NO one can expect anyone to put themselves through more of it.  

  

just be encouraged and know that you did what you could do. heres a trick i started to do when the kids came back from their moms house. i would purposely and still do leave before they came home and not return till after they were in bed. this way they can tell my husband everything that was said and i dont have to hear it or deal with . that is his job. let your husband have that burden. he should do it for you. and most of all, easier said then done, DONT LET THEM SEE YOU HURT. i havent yet got this down myself, but i have noticed that the oldest uses this to her advantage. it their way of hurting you for the pain in their lives. they have a sense of loyalty to their dad and mom. so they usually willnot do it to them but they dont have to have it for you. and they will abuse that often.  

  

 pretend you didnt hear it, brush it off like it is nothing. then when no one is around, put your head in a pillow and scream. lol it works!